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Here’s what’s happened in the past year — two girlfriends have gotten engaged, and one has her condo on the market and is looking with her boyfriend to buy a new place and move in together.

They are all 50-something, empty-nesters and divorced. Who says middle-aged women can’t find love again?

I call BS. And I’m not the only one.

“We’re perpetually fed a line that we’re looking for love in a market that doesn’t value us,” says Marina Adshade, an economics professor in Canada and author of Dollars and Sex: How Economics Influences Sex and Love.

“We” meaning older women. Like my friends. Like — gulp! — me.  Dating market for older women

In a talk before boomers (you can watch it below), Adshade says older women really aren’t disadvantaged on the dating market. “If that were true, they would be lowering their standards. But that has not been the case,” she says. In fact, she notes that older women are a lot more selective than older men and younger women are when it comes to picking a partner

If anything, it’s more of a level playing field when it comes to midlife dating.

That said, the dating market for older singles isn’t all that easy. Older women feel invisible. There just aren’t that many available singles our age and the ones who are available are an interesting lot (read Anne Lamott’s funny take of her year on Match.com to understand). However, with the gray divorce boom, there are a lot more older people available than ever before. So, because of that and the fact that we live longer, she says, it’s worth putting the time and energy into looking for love regardless of your age.

The difference between men and women at this age, however, is that we don’t necessarily want the same things. The persistent belief is that women are looking for long-term committed relationship and men are looking for short-term sexual relationships. That may be true for younger people, but that isn’t always the case at this age, she says. Because men have shorter lifespans, many older men are interested in having a potential caregiver or a “nurse with a purse.” They tend to marry quicker than older women, but it isn’t because older women can’t find a hubby; it’s because women are more likely to be looking for a short-term relationship or a companion, not a husband.

That isn’t true for my three girlfriends, but it’s true for me.

She believes — and I agree — that more people need to talk openly about this because all older women hear (and thus believe) is that older men are only looking for much younger women. OK, many of them are. But are they getting them? Not really, unless they’re wealthy and powerful. (And I have always believed that it’s good to identify those men and remove them from the 50-something dating pool ASAP; I’m not interested in men like that so move along, men, and good luck!).

As a newly single woman after an eight-plus year relationship, I am curious about what to expect this time, now that I’m 50-something instead of 40-something. I, too, am not looking for a husband (although I’m not necessarily against marrying), but I most definitely would like a partner — uhh, with conditions.

A recent study looked into why older women — in this case, women in their 60s and 70s — date. A few things became clear to the researchers early on — the women treasured their independence and craved companionship. They wanted both. I do, too.

Some had lost satisfying relationships because the men wanted to get married but the women didn’t, sometimes because it would hurt them financially and sometimes because they didn’t want to have to care for anyone else anymore. In fact, many said they were not interesting in caretaking ever again — they’d been there and done that.

They desired companionship and a social life — and sex. But they were not willing to compromise on losing their sense of freedom, to the point that  they were “willing to be lonely before sacrificing independence.”

I don’t want to be alone or lose my freedom — is it possible to have both without having to become a wife again? I sure hope so.

  • What’s been your experience dating at midlife?
  • Would you marry again? Why/why not?
  • Do you believe it’s a level dating playing field for older men and older women?
  • Would you prefer to be alone versus give up your freedom?

Photo © gary kaPLOW!/Fotolia.com

196 Responses to “Dating at middle age – why bother?”

  1. Onely says:

    I definitely would have trouble giving up my freedoms. Well, more accurately, I would have trouble compromising. That is a learned skill and I don’t think I have learned it very well, having lived alone for around ten years. Yes, I know how to compromise with my two cats (I clean the box; they don’t poop on the carpet), but men are much more complicated than cats. (Obviously.)

    i always thought that middle-aged women didn’t date because older men want younger women. This article says (Yay!) that this is not necessarily the case. However, look at (grr) Hollywood and how actresses struggle for roles once they reach a certain age. I imagine the Hollywood bureacracy is still a good-old-boys’ network and, like the stereotype, they prefer younger women–as actresses, if not dates. I hate Hollywood. Helen Mirren is pretty amazing, though.
    CC

    • OMGchronicles
      Twitter: OMGchronicles
      says:

      Hi Onely! Please don’t look at Hollywood or the media for that fact for any “truth” about people (well, you can believe this blog!) So, in “The New I Do,” the book I’m co-writing (it went to the publisher yesterday — yay!), we say that, yes, you can create freedom in your marriage. Not 100%, but enough so you don’t feel that you’ve lost who you are, and can still have your stuff your way. Do you really think you can’t do that? Or, do you just not want to do it?

    • John says:

      I am a divorced man. Been single for about 8 months. I’very wanted to date again but dating at 52 years old is abysmal 🙁
      I am only interested in women my age or older, but what I am finding is very disappointing; women my age or older prefer to be alone with a friggin cat and have zero interest in any sort of committed relationship. I hear this from many men my age. This is very discouraging. I guess i’m just going to have to date younger women, i’d rather not, but gee wiz when all these older women want to hole themselves up in their homes with a cat or cats, have no real interest in a relationship. What’s a guy to do?

      • Anat says:

        John,

        I don’t agree with you (at least in regards to me and some of my single women friends). I would love to meet someone and not hesitate on being the first to send the “Hello” message but in most cases men do not respond and just ignore me completely. So easy to hide behind the screen and ignore someone who tried to be nice. I stopped doing it. Most men are not a risk taker in the name of love. So disappointing!!! I am not interested in a younger man. Like you, I am interested in someone in his 50’s. Know anyone??? (:(:(:
        Have a great evening.
        A+

      • Becky says:

        Like me, I have a handful of friends who are single again, in their 50s. Maybe it depends on location, but many of us know “if you meet them in the bar-leave them in the bar!”. With such busy schedules with work, family, volunteer work and some returned to school, believe me, they aren’t holed up!

        All of us are choosing wisely, as we do have, at least some interest in remarrying, but this time we are hoping to find a keeper (and be one), and it may take a while, in these parts!

      • AmericanAndLonely says:

        Aww what’s wrong with cats? Did Svetlana in Ukraine take all your money on that Romance Tour? LOL

      • David Fisher says:

        I agree John!
        Not just cats they want to be holed up with but grown children and care of their parents . I wonder why they are on line, or trying to date at all? They are rarely available . Seems maybe once a week if your lucky . I feel like I am fifth or sixth on the priority list just behind the cats ! Why do they bother dating ? Guess they just don’t care! Maybe a good romance novel is all they need ! I like to do many activities , dancing ,hiking, hiking ,Kayaking fine dining , and skiing . Rarely find a woman interested ! Been divorced for only 18 months and dating is true my abysmal!

      • Sherrie says:

        I don’t like cats. I know many women who don’t. Lol

        • erica norton says:

          I don’t have any pets.Not even a fish. too much expense and responsibility. At this age , I want to travel without animals or small children. The kids are grown and my job is done.lol

    • erica norton says:

      I worked with nothing but men for the past decade. I adore men and have two grown sons. What I have witnessed around the break shack table during lunch breaks and while traveling for work. Is that men want and mostly talk about dating young women. I have asked them why. They are pretty blunt about it actually. The majority tell me that it is because young women are more attractive,thin,active,and are not as set in their ways. The irony to this , is that the majority of these men are over weight themselves,bald,and I see them inviting women into their hotel/motel rooms in every town they travel to. I also see a lot of the ones who are married or supposed to be in serious relationships back home. Cheating with every bar fly they meet ,escort,or stripper. So with this said, yeah I personally have trust issues with what I have observed. It is easier to just enjoy my social life with my friends who share the same interests that I do. It is easier to go about life without having to get to know someone all over again.Only to invest the wasted time and be disappointed.

  2. sonface says:

    What’s been your experience dating at midlife?
    Avoidance. After the horrible experiences I had when young, I’m not about to put myself in harm’s way again.

    Would you marry again? Why/why not?
    No! I have a boss at work. I don’t get paid to have one at home also.

    Do you believe it’s a level dating playing field for older men and older women?
    Drop the older, and stop pretending that the playing field is level. Women have the advantage in that they only have to accept or reject any proposals they receive.

    Would you prefer to be alone versus give up your freedom?
    Absolutely! There are billions of people in the world when I want that interaction. Wives don’t understand when you tell them you need your time alone. They feel rejected and tend to believe that you are having an affair.

    • OMGchronicles
      Twitter: OMGchronicles
      says:

      Hi sonface,
      Thanks for commenting. Sorry that you equate wives with bosses. Not all are like that, however — were you just attracted to type-A women?

    • Becky says:

      About your alone time, Im glad for that, because I need mine too. No, not with the opposite sex, but alone, to recharge, read, take a walk or garden. Not all believe you are ip to an affair, unless you give reason to be suspicious;)

  3. Jacob says:

    “If anything, it’s more of a level playing field when it comes to midlife dating.”

    Are you for real? If you’re entering your 50s now, when was the playing field anything but absurdly tipped in favor of the women in your generation?

    “And I have always believed that it’s good to identify those men and remove them from the 50-something dating pool ASAP; I’m not interested in men like that so move along, men, and good luck!”

    Remember the 90s? Remember the large number of women your age who, when they were the younger women, were out dating the woodstock generation men while blowing off the men their own age? Now that you’re one of the older women, you want to get self-righteous about the idea of one of the men your own age dating somebody younger?

    Your arrogance is breathtaking.

    • OMGchronicles
      Twitter: OMGchronicles
      says:

      Jacob,
      I couldn’t care less if men my age want to skew younger (or women my age for that matter). I wish them all the luck in the world. I’m happy they identify themselves as such, however, so they can be filtered out right away.
      There’s nothing arrogant about saying I’m not interested in the middle-aged men who aren’t interested in dating in their age group, just like it’s not arrogant to say I’m not interested dating meth addicts or cigarette smokers. It’s called a preference, and there’s no right or wrong about what each of us prefers.
      I’m glad you find me breathtaking, though …

    • blurkel says:

      I endorse your sentiments. As a male of the age demographic in question (not that I am dating or trying to date), I hear more from women that they have no use for a man in their lives than I do one seeking a partner.

      By the time men are in their 50s, the workplace has taken their lives away from them as a condition of employment. Thou Shalt Have NO Boss Before The Job Boss!

      By the time women are in their 50s, the kids are gone, the house is made in their image, and they have established all the rules. Noting causes more divorces than the Empty Nest.

    • LLQ says:

      While the bitterness is palpable, the point is valid. A lot of men who are 40 to 60 today were screwed by the angle Jacob describes. And in the 2010s, people ask why certain folks act a certain way, as if it’s a crime to be guarded. Jacob was right . . . and some people cannot handle it.

      • SJ says:

        Women in their 50’s have no practical use for a man, unless they are desperate/destitute. They can’t reproduce anymore, so there’s no biological “hunt” to find the best male producer/provider. The primary motivation to find or be with a man is gone. All that’s O.K. It just leaves them floundering for the next 30 years of their lives.

        • Debbi0609 says:

          What bullshit+generalization. There are over 50 women who lose their sex drive+others who increase it due to decreasing demands from children. I’m not floundering-successful in every area of my life. Multi orgasmic. Very few 20 year Olds are in this place of enjoyment, financial stability+happiness with family/life-don’t assume you know anything regarding me. You’re wrong. Enjoy the 20 year old drama-matches your emotional intwlligence(even when they are out of shape+way less everything) feeds your pathetic ego

          • JaneDoe2269 says:

            Please stop talking, or typing as the case is, you are making we women look crazy.

            I am 50 and single. My husband did run off with another woman two decades ago; didn’t want to be a father anymore, he said. And, has not seen his kids since.

            I can see that I am an attractive woman; I believe most men would agree. I am 5’4″ and wear a size 6, not that such things qualify me as an expert in being attractive. However, it should rule out the “Fat and ugly” comments that many women’s posts on such topics seem to bring.

            Now that my children are grown and married, I too am looking for someone to share my life with. I realized after all those years being a mother, and before that a wife and mother, the house is very empty and cold now that everyone is gone. I have even decided to downsize so the house does not seem so big and empty.

            I would like to find a sane man to share my life and home with. I have decided to forget all the “Wish list” BS, and look for a normal guy that likes women and want a mutually respectful, loving relationship.

            While I do have a short list of “Deal breakers”, it consists more of the non-smoking, no drugs, and no criminal past order than the tall, dark, and handsome requirements juveniles usually list. Hopefully, he is out there looking for me as well.

            Anyways, there are some of us women that truly like men, like sex, and want to find a good fit for our lives.

          • Joe says:

            Dyke, huh?

    • Heather says:

      Your loneliness and bitterness are stark, but we won’t talk about that, nor will we talk about how men like you swarm to any article that states the truth we women simply don’t want you anymore. Gosh, how strange. I thought men were busy not wanting us and being too good for us. If they’re so good on their own, why don’t they stick to the PUA articles that celebrate their bachelorhood and leave the ones about us inferior, worthless females alone? Now it isn’t that a good question?

      • Steve ,57 las vegas says:

        I don’t think anyone can comment on what any women wants . No man could ever understand what a woman has gone through or how she feels emotionally . Some have been abused emotionally and physically . Each one handles the situation differently . There is no book . So if your 50 something man looking for woman , have a little patience . Treat them with respect treat them like a lady . Be friends with them , treat with some kindness . If something more friendship comes from it ,that would be great . If not , it’s not the end of the world unless you’re an insecure bastard ! Remember ladies you are the most important person in your life ! Be good to yourself !

  4. Lisa says:

    “But they were not willing to compromise on losing their sense of freedom, to the point that they were “willing to be lonely before sacrificing independence.””

    Thank goodness it isn’t just me!! I’m 42, I’d LOVE to have partner(s) in my life, but while I’m not necessarily opposed to living together, neither that nor legal marriage is something I’m shooting for. I want intimacy, sex, fun, interactions, and I get tired of going places alone ALL the time…but lots of times I WANT to be alone, talking to whomever (whom- or who-?) I please.

    It is difficult for me to get noticed, that I know of. At least, no one is really approaching me and my subtle approaches don’t seem to spark interest. I’d prefer longer lasting relationships, but honestly I’m fine with more sexual relationships as long as I’m treated well. That is something that has changed and that you mention in this article: being more selective. On the days I get REALLY lonely I almost wish I was as easily amused as I was in my 20’s, although logically I know better! After so many of this-that-the-others, you’re BS-detector gets REALLY sharp and at the first sign of it I say “Well, it was lovely meeting you, but…”

    Thanks for the smart article!

    • Jordan says:

      Lisa, I’m 49 and I feel somewhat like you. I always approach men indicating that I am not looking for marriage, I am not looking to be taken care of nor do I expect to be their caretaker (for lack of a better word). What I do want is someone that is committed to a monogamous sexual relationship and who cares and respects me as a person. I do miss the intimacy of talking to a partner and sharing the details of my day, discussing topics in the news, politics and what have you. However, what I am finding are contented homebodies, who are not always willing to invest emotionally in a relationship. Home is great, but there is a world out there that I’d like to explore preferably with a partner.

      I completely agree with you on the BS meter. There are just some things I don’t want or need to deal with…

      • Lisa says:

        I just now saw your response! Thanks for letting me know I’m not alone in this. I have found myself meeting really cool fun people as of late, so at least I’m having a much better time as of late. It’s when I get too bored I’m in danger of feeling too discouraged.

      • Heather says:

        Same here on the BS meter… bottom line all men stayed nine years old forever and will tell nine year old boy level lies to you. They seem to forget, Mommy can always tell. Who needs it or them? I own a 9 inch realistic you know what. Two weeks of THAT, ha ha… and I never looked back at men again! It’s better than the best thing they offer, and brings none of the BS!

  5. OMGchronicles
    Twitter: OMGchronicles
    says:

    Thanks for reading and commenting, Lisa.
    I’ve kind of realized that there’s no perfect answer. In some ways it seems much more complicated at this age because we can experience a relationship in so many other ways than the traditional fall-in-love-move-in-get-married-have-kids paradigm.
    42 is so young (!) I thought my 40s were a juicy decade. Maybe have a few flings with younger men and have fun with your gal pals until you click with someone?
    Wishing you the best!

  6. Jane says:

    So… you are suggesting that single middle aged men exist. Hmm. Well, some say there’s a sasquatch too. Shrug.

    What’s been your experience dating at midlife? A big fat goose egg!

    Would you marry again? Why/why not? There’s no ‘again’. I would marry.

    Do you believe it’s a level dating playing field for older men and older women? There are WAY more single women than men, if that’s what you are asking. (See sarcastic sasquatch remark).

    Would you prefer to be alone versus give up your freedom? I love my freedom, but would “give it up” if I found someone. If I found someone to love, it wouldn’t be giving anything up. It would be mutually beneficial.

  7. Frank says:

    I’m a fun active healthy 51 year old man who ended an 11 year relationship 18 months ago. I have spent time with women from their 40s through mid 50s. I can tell you that women have as much interest in sex, intimacy and having fun as men do and are often looking for a man who is comfortable with himself and is willing to accept a woman the way she is when he meets her.

    But I’m finding that women in their 50s who say they want independence make it more of an issue and pull away from potential male lovers, friends, etc. in some sort of self convincing mantra that really comes off as passive aggressive. If I’m interested in you, then I’m interested in all of you, not just the juicy fun parts. Women, please give intelligent, self respecting men a chance and take down the walls.

    • OMGchronicles
      Twitter: OMGchronicles
      says:

      Frank, thank you for acknowledging that we middle-aged gals love sex, intimacy and fun! So many people want to write us off because of menopause, etc., but that is hardly the truth. As for the independence, that’s a complicated thing. As I note in the blog, if a woman has spent a good part of her life caretaking others — a husband (or husbands), kids, aging parents — we do get to a point where we feel it’s “my time.” Many of us don’t want to re-create the dynamic we had: live together, cook and clean for another, etc., etc. I think many of us want freedom and connection. Finding the right balance for that is hard. I’m hopeful you find someone who is willing to meet you halfway. I’m sure you will.

      • Judy says:

        I’m 60 female and after many years of marriage my husband died. Much as I loved him I had no desire at all to remarry for the reasons of being totally independent, not having to answer to anyone but myself for anything.
        Funny thing is I meet a lovely man who I now love very much….but I am not prepared to commit to living with him. I love my independent life and I love the times we share together at least twice a week for a date and then a sleepover taking turns at each other’s house. I can’t ever see this changing. We share costs of date, holidays etc. he is so loving and supportive but I have an acute awareness potentially I could loose myself by committing long term. Not to mention all the family dynamics just to scary I think. I believe many woman in my age group will relate to this.

        • OMGchronicles
          Twitter: OMGchronicles
          says:

          Thanks for commenting, Judy. I am sorry for your loss, and am happy you have found a new love and a new way of being. Yes, many women your (and my age) feel similarly. Here’s to many more independent and fulfilling years ahead!

  8. Josie says:

    What’s been your experience dating at midlife?
    I have not started dating yet. So have no idea.

    Would you marry again? Why/why not?
    It depends. I’m 50 plus and have to admit that my independence is important to me. If the man is willing to allow me to continue that independence and not box me into a fixed role then I would definitely consider it.

    Do you believe it’s a level dating playing field for older men and older women?
    Would you prefer to be alone versus give up your freedom?

    Numerically it is probably level. I attract quite a few 39 to 60 year olds. In my age range many of these men are very set in their ways, have ‘parked the bus’ or have let themselves go usually health-wise (which gives me fear of the caretaking factor). According to my doctor my health/fitness level is in the top 5% for my age range. She has suggested dating men between 45 and 50 to offset the health/aging factor as couples age.
    But based upon what some of my female peers tell me who have been out there dating for years is that if you factor in the desire to have a reasonably healthy and energetic male in this age bracket the pickings do get slimmer. Coupled with the factor that many 45 to 50 year old men may not be interested in dating a woman older than them (even though it is only a few years).

    Freedom? Well, I don’t mind compromising but not to the level I did in my previous marriage. But I would be a fool to think that I could do whatever I want whenever I want within a marriage. The guy would have to be worth it for me to go back there again. So I guess I am not against getting married again.

    • OMGchronicles
      Twitter: OMGchronicles
      says:

      Thanks for your honesty, Josie. I, like you, at 50-something, truly value my independence. Balancing that with having an intimate and sexual connection with a man hasn’t been too hard, at least so far. There are some men who want the same, too.
      Finding reasonably healthy and energetic men our age also has been tricky, but, again, not too hard where I live (SF Bay Area), where many men and women are active and fit and have healthy lifestyles. And, there (thankfully) are enough men close to my age who actually do want to date women their age or even a bit older.
      I wish you lots of luck as you venture out into the strange world of dating at midlife. The beauty of dating at our age, at least for me, is that without the pressure to couple up and have kids, we can spend time getting to know someone. We also are somewhat smarter. I have no doubt you will have wonderful romantic adventures ahead. Let me know!

  9. Tim says:

    Just divorced at 44. Its not the age that scares men away. Its teh bodies and attitudes. Most people get fat and ugly. Then blame it on age. No … its years of bad habits. THis is very unattractive and when years of bad habits are on the outside we know years of mental problems are are the inside. Denial being the big one. No one can love someone who has excuses for everything.

    • Susan Nunes says:

      And I suppose you are God’s gift to women in the looks department. I hate to tell you this, but more men look like s*** in middle to old age than do women. Women go through menopause, which alters the body in many ways. Men don’t have that excuse.

      • Shaun Hensley says:

        And there is the contempt for men which women harbor which is always just below the surface.

      • Joe says:

        Monkey can’t reach the berry so she calls it sour!

      • Eliza says:

        I agree with Susan. Tim must have beer goggles, when he looks at himself in the mirror. Mr. God’s gift. I have observed men in their 40’s with huge beer guts, and damaged skin, love handles. Women give birth! You can imagine what the human body goes through for that. What is a man’s excuse for being obese and out of shape?

      • Mark says:

        Men do in fact go through the equivalent of menopause. Have you ever heard a commercial for Androgel or Low-T? It is called andropause. A man’s testosterone level takes a huge nose dive at around 50. That is why men start to have sexual dysfunction and lack of energy around 50 +/- a few years. A multi-billion dollar industry has been built around andropause. A man suffering from low-T experiences the same hormone-level triggered hot flashes that a woman experiences during menopause.

        http://www.webmd.com/men/guide/male-menopause

    • LJ says:

      Well not completely “years of bad habits.” Years of childbirth, caretaking, menopause, and putting everyone else first do factor in (although putting everyone else first could well be lumped under “bad habits” I suppose). Those things can take a toll. All but the menopause are often valued by men who love the mother of their children. Unfortunately, that’s not who you are dating.

  10. rachel says:

    I made a decison 3 years ago that I was through with domestic relationships. I don’t lack love and the sexual side of life doesnt interst me any more as I’m exhausted. I’m just happy with men as friends who I have known for years,
    A relationship for me now would be like riding a bike with stabilisers on after freewheeling on two wheels.
    I simply do not want to get to know anyone as quite frankly what I want to learn in my life cannot be found in a claustraphobic twosome where my entire energy is taken up maintaining or fighting for balance or to keep harmony,
    Why fight for basics in a couple that I dont have to as a single person? its a major backward step and a recpie for resentment,
    My interests and passion would be secerely compromised by being in a couple as I don’t want to become another mans mother or main care provider.
    In my experience , Men can tick along normally until they meet me and say those immortal words ” I feel I can talk to you” ….a big red flag. This is subtext for ” No matter how normal I appear on the surface, you are about to become the catalyst and custodian of some inner demon or dark secret that i’ve managed to contain for years” .
    I simply am not signing up for this again…..life is too short,

    • OMGchronicles
      Twitter: OMGchronicles
      says:

      Thanks for commenting, Rachel. Coupledom is not for everyone — Bella DePaulo writes about this a lot. There are many ways to build a fulfilling life that does not involve a romantic partner. I wish you the best.

    • sadie says:

      I am a woman almost 50 living alone. In the past 12 years I have dated two old friends for a few months time each. I did not experience an overbearing husband nor abusive relationships. Yet I feel no strong desire to intemately connect romantically.
      My two attempts did began with good times but quickly reviled a level of deception I would never tolerate. I regard myself as content with a life full of work, adult children and a new grand daughter.
      I’m attractive and young looking. Too many times the word Cougar is mentioned to which I am highly insulted. That said, I feel men are guided by the laws of sexual attraction. A relationship where you meet for dates and a romp sounds perfect for both older men and women. It’s just not for me. In the words of The Grinch, “I’m all dead inside” I still find some men wonderful and sexy. But I will never cohabitate or evolve myself again.
      Good luck to all those hopeful singles. Happy hunting.

    • SJ says:

      Women do such too.

    • Joe says:

      Your neurotic irrational mindreading is showing.

    • mary e. says:

      Thanks for your perspective. Until I read it I hadn’t realized I felt exactly the same way.
      Having just left a 20 year marriage which turned very brutal and ugly after male menopause set in, I was puzzled as to what I wanted. My initial thoughts were of another relationship, but I found myself getting tired just thinking about it and couldn’t figure out why. I still look good and get male attention but was confused as to exactly what it was that I wanted from a male. A relationship is catastrophic when both are “retired” because now the woman has 5x the work while my mate thought being retired was doing nothing. A younger man still wants sex while I want love and affection (which I get from my kids and family) and never from a mate. I have been a full time provider to my children and then during early retirement, a full time maid to my ex and constant fights and “conversations” about what I needed from our relationship, but with no results. Why should I fight for basic rights that I have as a single person? My former marriage was a claustrophobic twosome where whatever energy I had left (after all the household responsibilities) was taken up maintaining or fighting for balance (which never happened).
      You helped me realize a single life is the right choice for me and now I realize and understand why other older women have taken this choice as .well, THANK YOU

      • dee says:

        Here Here!

        I’m attractive, successful, energetic (yoga teacher, personal trainer, etc.) and in my early 40s. I was married in my 20s and in another long-term relationship that was on its way to becoming a marriage in my 30s. I had always been a woman who based my worth on who loved me, but once I bought my own house and started taking care of ME and learned that I can be independent, my desire to be in a relationship VANISHED! It’s just another person who has needs for me to fulfill and personally, I just do not find it worth it. Like Mary, I receive all the love and affection and joy I need from my kids and wonderful friendships, and love men as friends but have no desire to be in a committed relationship. The very thought of give and take and ‘we need to talk’ and ‘you’re not spending enough time with me’ type of conversations all feels so claustrophobic. Meanwhile, well-meaning friends and family feel sorry for me and keep telling me I’ll meet someone ‘someday.’ Why doesn’t anyone believe me when I say I’m really not looking, no one needs to feel sorry for me, I’m not lacking in any area. There other joys in life to be had!

  11. William says:

    I’m mid forties, divorced almost 2 years now. I have not had a single date nor wanted one since separation. I just don’t think I am relationship material in this age. I:
    (a) abhor materialism and consumerism – pretty expensive things don’t fulfill me.
    (b) have no interest in this social media / facebook / twitter / look-at-me thing.
    (c) don’t like travel or endless home renovations (top two female past-times).
    (d) like living within my means in a job that offers work/life balance
    (e) have low debt tolerance – think vacations and renos on credit is for fools.

    That’s me. Very frugal and not into material crap and modern “social technology”.

    Most people think I am a misfit but that’s okay. Feeling is mutual.

    Marriage for me was a terrible experience. The entire time I was trying to make a wife happy who seemed determined to spend the family into oblivion, and the more stuff she did and the more stuff she bought the more it took to make her happy. When we looked at the cause of the divorce, her belief what that it was pretty much all my fault for being a bad husband (and person), yet friends and coworkers told me they thought I was trying very hard and making all of the requisite sacrifices. Yes, some might say I simply chose poorly, but I also see far too many men in the exact same spot as well, and I know ZERO couples where I would be okay taking the man’s place. In the vast majority of cases I would *never* be able to tolerate the BS, especially having tried to do it once already.

    The idea of a romantic partner is faintly alluring even still, but the knowledge of what modern relationships are about, and what modern people seem to want out of life makes me just shrug and say:

    “Naw. I’m good!”

    • OMGchronicles
      Twitter: OMGchronicles
      says:

      I’m sorry that was your experience, William, and it’s great if you are happy “as is.” Many people are. That said, not every woman is materialistic, into social media (so many of my gal friends aren’t), etc. It’s dicey to paint all of us in one swath. What makes for a happy relationship, married or not, is matched expectations. One can have a very full life without romantic partners (read Bella DePaulo) by choice, rather than letting one bad marital experience determine it. I wish you the best. Thanks for commenting.

    • Shaun Hensley says:

      I have found women aren’t particularly attracted to men who aren’t materialistic at our age. I am attractive enough to date and play around, but relationships lack the depth I crave. I find the attitudes expressed in the article and comments incredibly off-putting and have experienced them in my dating life. My reaction to that is to be the first to want to pull away.

      It’s war.

      • Rachel Nichols says:

        Shawn, maybe you need to be choosier in the women you date. Perhaps you should be more specific if and when you post dating profiles; put up a line like “No gold diggers need apply! Be adamant from the beginning that there are many things you value more than money. Only contact women who seem to be of like mindset. If one contacts you and you immediately know your personalities won’t mesh, say “No thank you.” Or don’t reply–that’s okay. Even if she’s gorgeous; there’s lots of gorgeous single girls out there. We’ve got you outnumbered 10:1! (Not gorgeous or young always, but lots more single women than men.)
        “Playing” generally doesn’t lead to deep relationships btw. Good luck!

    • SJ says:

      William, I like the “Naw. I’m good!” Once was enough for me too.

    • Joe says:

      Better to be alone than to wish you were.

    • Loy says:

      William,

      The reason that you can’t find a good woman is that you are a lazy old dinosaur!

      When you say stuff like “I’m frugal” and “spend the family into oblivion” it just shows that you are a little child-man who is pouting and wants to hoard his money.

      You complain that women spend money remodeling the house–of course they do–the home is where your wife entertains and is a social signifier of who she is. If your wife does not work outside the home, then that home is her world and she deserves to make that world comfortable for her.

      My closest friend recently left her husband because her husband was selfish and resisted yearly updates and remodels suggested by their interior decorator. It was also a yearly fight about how much to spend for their annual Christmas parties–her husband would nickel and dime the caterers menu/ the band/ the florist and the valet until it made my friends Christmas party a miserable experience every year.

      You complain of travel. I have another good friend whose husband refuses to travel much anymore because of “how expensive everything is.” He reminds me a lot of you–with all of your complaining.

      It amazes me how when a woman first startes dating a man, the men have no problem renting a house boat for a few weeks off the Amalfi coast, or riding Vespas through the south of France while staying at vineyards. Then before the kids come–it is off to Paris for the weekend–flying first-class and staying at the George V hotel. After you are married with kids, men seem to think that flying Southwest to Akron Ohio and staying at the airport Hilton, while they are going to a work-related conference is a good vacation. Once the kids have gone off to college–most men seem to think that driving to a different Costco, on the other side of town is a vacation. Of course they would never have strayed so far from home except the other Costco has a new golf bag that “all the boys at the club” are talking about.

      I just don’t understand men of a certain age. When my Harry passed away three years ago, he was still the same vibrant and wonderful man that I met many years ago in law school. Harry always gave me a new car every other year for my birthday, diamonds on Valentine’s, and after the kids moved away–we traded going to Aspen for Christmas–to visiting our Children. Harry sold his share of the firm about 10 years before he died and devoted himself to civic and community philanthropy. I miss him dearly, but would like to find someone active and older to go see the world with before it is too late.

      So many men that I have met are like old dogs who don’t want to get off of the porch. Last year I was visiting friends in Boca and met a gentleman with a nice 40 foot cruiser–the man had not taken the boat out of harbor in three years. In many ways this reminds me of most men I meet my age–they have the means to go on incredible adventures–but they chose to stay mored to a dock and let barnacles grow on them.

      I want to know where to find active men who want to do something.

      • G Carr says:

        “My closest friend recently left her husband because her husband was selfish and resisted yearly updates and remodels suggested by their interior decorator.”

        Yearly updates and remodels?

        “It amazes me how when a woman first starts dating a man, the men have no problem renting a house boat for a few weeks off the Amalfi coast, or riding Vespas through the south of France while staying at vineyards. Then before the kids come–it is off to Paris for the weekend–flying first-class and staying at the George V hotel.”

        “When my Harry passed away three years ago, he was still the same vibrant and wonderful man that I met many years ago in law school.”

        Well most people men and women combined do not have the income level to support YEARLY updates and remodels of homes, around the world vacations and other things.

        You married someone who had money or made a lot of money. A vast majority of people (men and women) cannot even break even in this society so they cannot hoard what they do not have.

        Do everyone a favor and stay out of the dating pool.

  12. Rocky says:

    Am finding the opposite is true for me. As a fifty something single man the women seem interested in tying the knot – not me. At this stage in life and the way gender relations have evolved during my lifetime marriage isn’t worth it for men anymore. No one bats an eye on folks shacking up anymore so social pressures are all but non-existent. No one mentions it but the grey elephant in the room is menopause. The last woman I met was fanning herself during the date due to a hot flash. I am sympathetic but as this can be an emotional rollercoaster etc. for women – but it means the men are along for the ride too. I think this is why men my age look southward in the dating age. Plus the biology of attraction is based on reproduction/fertility – female beauty is (as is male) tied up in youth – the reproductive years. While I may feel sorry in a way that women become invisible in later years – my experience in younger days was they were chased by guys like me. There is a mid-life power shift at work to balance this out. Just nature finding equilibrium.

    • Christine says:

      And this is why I don’t date anymore. I’ve accepted I may be alone for the rest of my days, and I’m ok with it now. I can’t feel bad because my body is going through menopause and a man won’t be attracted to me for that reason. It sucks at times to feel lonely and wish you had a man at your side, but life is too short to be anything but happy with yourself and your life. I’m beautiful and amazing! A man is missing out on a great woman!!

      • OMGchronicles
        Twitter: OMGchronicles
        says:

        Hi Christine. Thanks for commenting. I’ll bet you’re an amazing woman, except this belief is not amazing:”my body is going through menopause and a man won’t be attracted to me for that reason.” Every woman goes through menopause yet that doesn’t mean all of us have gone without a partner. You don’t want any man — you want a man who will love, cherish and embrace you through menopause. They exist, and if that is what you want then please be open to the possibilities. Beautiful and amazing women know that a good partner will see that in them, regardless of their menopausal state or not. Good luck, and please let me know how things go, OK?

    • SJ says:

      Not long ago, men and women expired/died in their 40’s/50’s, many sooner. We are not biologically wired to live longer than that. That’s why there’s such confusion.

    • JK says:

      Hi Rocky, thanks for calling out the elephant in the room, menopause. I had my ovaries removed at 31 and technically went through menopause. Obviously, since then I’ve chosen men who don’t want to have babies. But I’ve had no trouble being seen as attractive. Not sure what you mean about reproduction/fertility being the thing. Also, I get a good laugh out of hearing a man in his 50s say he’s dating down to avoid menopause. She (the lady in her 40s) is only a few years away. You are in line for the rollercoaster dude. Happy ride!

    • Rachel Nichols says:

      Hmm. How many children do you want to bring up in your 50’s and 60’s Joe?

  13. wow if the Mars rover could handle millions of people we really could have separate planets. Im a guy of 63 and probably an outlier in that I just never did like the dynamics of dating so didn’t. Had my business, a daughter who was grown, but part of my life, and don’t really need someone to unload my “day” on. I’m not sure what the point of it all is, but I had recently thought, maybe I should give it a second look.. these dialogues lead me to think it’s all pretty hopeless and if you can’t handle cancer alone you’re a pussy.

    • OMGchronicles
      Twitter: OMGchronicles
      says:

      Steve, thanks for commenting. Dating is how people get to meet each other and decide if they like each other enough to take it to another level — a committed relationship. There aren’t too many options beyond that except an arranged marriage, which happens in certain culture here and elsewhere, or a matchmaking service. Don’t know about the former but the later is available — but it will cost you. It isn’t hopeless, even if you’ve gone through cancer alone (I hope you had a support group and are doing well). There are all sorts of resources available. Please don’t give up hope and please let me know how you’re doing.

      • SteveToo says:

        I can see SteveL’s point. You develop into that single state. Being single in my mid 50’s, great income, lots of fun to be around, non-abusive, and very social causes many friends young and old to point out my singleness. If I hear the phrase “You’d be a great catch for someone” one more time I’m gonna be sick. I am not a catch. I am a human being that after years of games, travel, attitude, laughter, freedom loss, great sex, what have you, just decided I am at my happiest just hanging out with friends. I do have short sessions of loneliness from a desire for intimacy, but they are few and far between and slowly vacating the cranial mass. One or two more viewings of “Fatal Attraction” should finish that off! I’ve been to the 50’s singles get togethers, pushed by friends, but after seeing the dynamics these days couldn’t find the door fast enough! While I’m sure the type of confident and relaxed women you discussed exist, they really are a rarity. An extreme one. Most I’ve seen either want to relive their “highly desirable in demand” college days, want a caregiver themselves, or have soooo many issues, I feel I need a psychology degree to talk to them. And when we don’t want to date, we’re what’s wrong with the world. To me it really comes down to this. We need the world to accept that we are single. Period. We’ve done our bit for king, country, and the fairer sex. Many of us just want friends to chat with, travel with, hang out with, and enjoy the beautiful days ahead with no complications. Is that too much to ask? My single lifestyle is a choice, and if you cannot respect my right to make that choice please don’t talk to me. I have everything I need in my group of fun married and single friends that just accept me as I am. And as I’m discovering, men like me are more plentiful than you might think. Maybe we need a t-shirt or a hat identifying us. Maybe that’s the issue. Anyone got a great hat idea?
        I can appreciate that others here want something different, and I accept that. Hell, I’d BETTER get a wedding invite! But as I accept you, please accept me and those like me. We’re happy, and isn’t that the point?
        😉

        • Tracey says:

          I completely understand how you feel and as a 48 year old female feel exhausted by dating, just need my own space and keeping busy with friends family and work is enough.

        • dee says:

          “My single lifestyle is a choice, and if you cannot respect my right to make that choice please don’t talk to me. I have everything I need in my group of fun married and single friends that just accept me as I am.”

          Nailed it! I feel exactly the same way!

  14. Johnny says:

    I never understood men’s desperation to find a mate past 40. Their sex drives are typically waning, they’ve USUALLY made a career for themselves and so have money to do whatever they want to do, and the women their age are on average not fun people to be around.
    As a divorced (my choice) single father over 40 I wouldn’t marry again to resurrect a child. I don’t need a care-giver. I’m in fantastic shape, still have a strong sex drive and therefore ambition and drive—and will continue to be so until the day that I have to walk off into a bear cave somewhere in the woods. I’m very selective where I stick my baby-builder because let’s be honest, it’s not really as important as the freedom I have. And also, the only women interested in me right now seem to be 22-28-year-olds for some reason. Probably because I’m not 5′ 10’+ and Christ women over 35 are selective. Hilarious that older women blame the men when clearly it’s the young girls who are the hunters.
    There is a HUGE hole in available attractive women between 25 and 35 (married, gay or finding themselves (read: career-driven)). Post straight 38-year old women only come in 3 flavors: Jaded, desperate, and masculine—Sometimes we get a little Neapolitan mix. You know how when you were 22 and the men your age would try to impress you with all the crap they’ve done and things they own? Yeah, well over-40 women do that and men care just as little as you did back then.
    The long way around to my point (with a little venting) is, yes, why bother? Relationships-romantic ones-have no value over 40. You’re unlikely to reproduce, both of your bodies look like discarded paper bags, and no one has any patience to be around someone 24/7. Just be friends. We only have a few years left to enjoy ourself before REAL old age kicks our asses and relegates us into generic blue-hairs, dismissed by every other living person on Earth as waiting to die.
    I understand that this stings women reading this, but as you can imagine the Internet favors women’s advice and therefore men are pigeonholed exactly the same way, so get over it.
    Sure this sounds cynical, but at your age don’t you think it’s time to take off the optimism glasses and throw on the realism pants? Stop thinking love, start thinking live. You don’t have much of it left.

    • Melanie says:

      Wow, Johnny. Bitter much? Having a realistic view of life is not the same as having a pessimistic view, which you seem to have embraced. Sucks to be you. Love is not that elusive over 40/50/60. Our needs and energy levels may have changed, but we are not dead…yet. What I’ve noticed, and you’ve proved, is that men don’t want to accept growing old. Aging gracefully is a something everyone should pursue.

      • diana says:

        wow, I,m speechless, seriously if you look after yourself you can keep a very fit, glossy skinned body-eat in a certain way, you can look decades younger- I know the info isn,t readily available. Its really having a joy for life period, a bucket list- some glow with passion from life- at any age you get negative types etc -if you glow you are like a magnet, at any age you light up a room

        • tonysam says:

          Oh, THAT again. Women don’t need to contort themselves physically in order to be f***able to men. It is just stupid and shallow. The reality is there comes a time when you age out of the whole stupid game, that to continue is an exercise in futility. I gave that garbage up some thirty years ago, when I was in my thirties. I focused on myself instead and have chosen to live life in my terms.

    • SteveToo says:

      While some are gonna read the bitterness here, in between the lines you see the real point. Sometimes you get bombarded by attitude and fantasyland talk and it gets to the point that single men have to detonate the message like a nuke to get everyone to listen, understand, and accept.

      Yea, Johnny’s words are harsh, but sometimes, that’s all anyone will listen and react properly to. Been there, Done that, got a nice collection of detonators myself. Wake up and smell the reality ladies. Pull your head out, smell what the man is cooking, and look out the window. The sunrises are as beautiful as always. Put the value of the day in proper perspective, and LIVE.

      And enough with the Prom Queen, Head Cheerleader, had to fight them off with a stick stories! That news is as old as Iran Contra and we’ve had our fill of “disinformation”. Now move forward. Yer blocking the view.

    • Tilly says:

      To me, being in your 40’s is not the same as being in your 50’s. Yes women go through menopause later but men also go through something and age all around too. So trying to compare how you feel and act in your 40’s to actual mid life (as it stands now) is ridiculous. I was in fantastic shape in my 40’s and am still in great shape now too but time has inevitably reared its head despite how well I’ve lived my life. It will for you too. Come back to us when you are 56.

  15. Corrine Ortega says:

    This is in response to the guy who thinks women are a drag who are going thru menopause. You are kidding yourself if you dont think men dont go thru change. Ive been dating same guy for 10 yrs. And boy oh boy is he going thru the change. He may not have ovaries that stop working but he and men of his age (56) go thru physical changes too, and that change is no more testosterone. The low production of testerone makes men just as moody, irritable, unpleasant to be around as some women having a bad menopause time. Men go thru depression, insomnia, low sex drive etc when they get to middle age and their bodies also stop producing certain hormones. So that whole notion that women are the only ones whose bodies and emotions change in middle age is bull****. Why do you thi k mdn have to rely on biBra so mou h now in their midlife. All men will eventually notice their bodies going thru a “change” too. It’s inevitable. My boyfriend is honest with me and has told me he definitely is starting to feel changes; we both do, but he doesnt go around acting like I’m the only one getting older and going thru hormonal changes, he’s very aware hes going thru it too. Dating in midlife to me is about companionship. I am not looking to get married again. I bought my own home after I got divprced, and it was not from alimony, I got nothing when I got divorced. I bought my own home thru hard work and saving after I got divorced, and I’m not selling my home to move in with anyone. I have a stressful job and I prefer to come home to my own house after a long day. So you men out there who think women just want to get married……..think again.

    • PJay says:

      The low quality of basic biology education is right here. Men don’t go through menopause.

      Men don’t experience vaginal atrophy, permanent loss of libido, mood swings and stress incontinence the way women do at menopause.

      Men don’t go through menopause.

      • Jo says:

        They just need Viagra …

      • Mark says:

        Yes, men do go through a male equivalent of menopause. It is called andropause. Not all men experience andropause symptoms starting in their late forties, but most experience a decline in vitality due to major decline in testosterone production. Have you ever heard a commercial for Androgel or Low-T? That, my friend, is cause in most men by age-related andropause. Viagra is often misprescribed for men who are suffering from Low-T.

  16. Bill says:

    Wow, I am glad I stumbled upon this forum!!

    After reading many of the submissions … maybe I am with the wrong woman.

    She is 47, I’m 56. Both married for 22 years before divorced. We both have 2 kids the same ages (19, 16). Dating for 2+ years….great chemistry together, have fun, enjoy traveling, her family connects well with me, etc..etc.

    I have told her that I love her…see her as part of my future….want to take care of her and be there for her…have a long lasting relationship with her. BUT she says that is not enough … and NOT for the reasons one would think.

    My girlfriend wants a man who can “support” her in case ever loses her job. I have been told that we do not share similar “consumer behavior”. While she is very frugal, she does love her luxury items (she drives a BMW, I drive a Ford Edge). She also has this phobia about the future….she sees the glass as half empty while I am the glass half full type.

    Her divorce was simple and amicable. She and her ex did it themselves…no alimony, no child support. Mine was completely the opposite….long, dragged out with large payments.

    Girlfriend fears for the future …. how can I take care of her (in the event that she may need me). She has clearly stated that she cannot take such a risk. She lives with the memory of her Dad who lost everything in bankruptcy about 15 years ago…and died early from alcoholism. She had to quit college because no money.

  17. Stuart says:

    Between 37 to 42 ish there is a real knowledge it is children now or never, a lot of women do struggle with this if they are single; the late 40’s early 50’s divorced guy is the second option over the single younger guys, but he is in demand. I am 52 and my wife and I had problems a while back.

    I can tell you honestly, three single educated women in the 37 to 39 age bracket who could see I was unhappy suddenly, made it very clear if I was available they had desperate ovaries!! My wife and I came very close to divorce, and I came close to having a second family. All three women openly said they wanted kids and although I was 50 then they would like a family if I was interested. All three worked at the University I worked at as a casual lecturer/ tutor. All three were permanent staff who had careers better than mine, but were single, two had Ph.d’s.

    This is why some guys divorced at 40/50 end up with 30 something wives, they are often career women who desperately want children. One of the women who was interested in me went as far as to say, ïf she had the family she so much wanted, she would be happy for the guy to stay home (her home was a $1 million place and belonged to her grandparents originally) and look after them until they could go to child care while she worked. She was a Senior Lecturer and is now a single Associate Professor. That is she realised she earned double my salary! When she was 30 not 39 she would not have looked twice at me, that is a simple fact. 1 in 4 women don’t have children, I think over 50% by choice, but the rest by circumstance and at 50 do you take on a 30 something and have kids and feel younger or go for an empty nester who only wants you for the weekend? That is often the man’s choice, in hindsight I would say to guys the empty nester, but when I was nearly in that position I thought younger woman and start again.

    • Cassie says:

      Thanks Stuart, I’ve always assumed 30 year old women choose 50 year old men as a way of securing a place on the overpriced property ladder, but actually your personal insight makes sense. When I was in my 20s/30s I wouldn’t have looked twice at a middle aged man and have up until now been quite baffled by their apparent allure to young women. Because I found a husband my age, bought my own home and had kids, I guess I never needed to look elsewhere. As a 50 year old single, empty nester, there have been times when I wondered if I’d ever make a connection with another man again. But what do you know, eventually the penny drops and slowly 50+ men discover that contrary to reports in the media, not all younger women, in reality, find them irresistible. Moreover the thought of raising and providing for a second family is not really that appealing after all!

  18. rob says:

    I am 55, am a tenured professor with a happy life, good relationship with my two kids, am a romantic and considerate person, and have been a life-long fitness enthusiast, training for a triathlon. I write poetry. I want a relationship with someone close to my age and have run into something I did not expect — my fault I am sure. The single professionals in my age group whom I have dated like their empty nest, and have strong preferences for their own routine, including stuff like toothpaste caps and how the dishwasher is loaded. I think the idea that women who have their lives together professionally etc. typically want a relationship enough to accommodate inviting minor changes in routine is mistaken. I am by no means criticizing or complaining — just providing an observation based on an admittedly miniscule number of women. I do think personally that the idea that women in their 50 by and large truly want a man is not a self-evident truth. Peace and happiness everyone.

    • OMGchronicles
      Twitter: OMGchronicles
      says:

      Thanks for sharing your story Rob. You say you want a relationship but then mention that the people you’ve dated like their empty nest as it is. That assumes that you want to not just have a relationship, but also live with that person. Because you can be in a committed loving partnership and live apart (I do). Have you considered that?

  19. Trevor says:

    Hi
    When we reach retirement males want Love, a companion and nurse. Females want Security, a companion with a purse. Yes, we’d all like a bit of both but if the purse is empty gentlemen – listen to Nature and don’t waste your time -or your Love

  20. George says:

    I’m 48 now – fit, active, good looking (at least, that’s what I’m told) with a good career and interesting hobbies – and I can’t buy a date. Eight years of Match.com has netted me nothing; neither “serious” nor “fun” relationships are available to me. It’s as if all the women in the world have simply disappeared.

    To me this article rings as hollow and contrived as all those profiles on Match. You assume, as I once did, that women actually want a relationship with – or at least a resource in – a man. This has proven not to be true. The only time a woman wants a man is when she needs a man. Women who are my peers (or reasonably so), don’t need a man. I… am going to die alone.

    I truly wish your opinion on the subject was correct. I could happily co-operate in a low-pressure, high-availability monogamous relationship – no marriage, no “care-taking” – but there simply aren’t any to be had. Eight years of looking, of inviting, of holding out my hand waiting for someone to take it… I think I have to go have a little cry now…

    –Geo

    • OMGchronicles
      Twitter: OMGchronicles
      says:

      Thanks for sharing your story George. According to an AARP survey not too long ago, many divorced people do want love again … men and women. I don’t rely on my “opinion.” But, OK, in my experience of my divorced friends, yes, all of us are interested in love again, and many of us have found it, sometimes several times. I met my last partner (8 years) and my current partner (1 year) online. You don’t say what age range you’re looking to date and perhaps your profile doesn’t read well or, well, any number of things. You really don’t want a woman who needs a man; you want a woman who enjoys the company of men and wants to be with one special man. Saying this “The only time a woman wants a man is when she needs a man” reflects a somewhat sour attitude. Maybe that’s the problem. In any event, I wish you luck.

      • Melanie says:

        I agree with OMG in the “sour attitude” observation. Obviously I don’t know George. But what I’m reading between the lines is, unfortunately, *desperation* and *bitterness* – two things that are red flags for women. If, God forbid, those two attitudes are coming across on George’s dates, though he may not realize it, he will not have 2nd dates. Speaking as a 50+, many-years-divorced woman, I am trying to live the life I could not when I was married. I made many sacrifices in the marriage and put my dreams on hold. Now I’m attempting to make the dream a reality and having someone along for the ride is not necessary. Men and marriage are wonderful, but my dream does not include them. If there is a man pursuing the same dream and we happen to meet, it’s icing on the cake. But it’s still ok to be alone. Really. 🙂

        • Frank says:

          I understand exactly what you are going through George. I have been going through the dating site torture for about one year since my divorce. I do not know how you have put up with that grief for that long. It is devastating for the self-esteem and self-confidence. Recently, I had three dates in one week from online dating. When I contacted them and showed interest, all three of them said there was either “no chemistry” or “no connection”. I am 57. They were in their early to mid-50s. I have been told that I am good looking. They met me so my looks got me the first date. I see the toll it has taken on you: “going to die alone”, “have a little cry now”. And here, you can’t get a break either. The women tell you that it is your sour attitude and bitterness that has caused you not to have formed a relationship. George, it is not likely you, it is the online dating. Ironically, if it was you, you would have figured it out and not wasted your time for eight years. It is common for men to have your experience on online dating sites. It was mentioned here that your online profile may not read well. That sounds insensitive and unrealistic. Over eight years, you must have changed your profile dozens of times trying to attract the women who are deserving of you. You must have taken many photos and of all types to try to show who you are and in the best vantage point. You must have done research on all of this in eight years of the futility of online dating. For men, it is a loser’s game. Stop playing it and wasting your energy, well being and time. I know, your question is; what are the options to meet women to form relationships if not online dating? You need to get out there and meet them in real life. No easy answers on how to do this. A reasonable proportion of the women who are rejecting you on Match would likely be receptive to you if they met you in person. I have noticed this myself. I just need to get there more myself. I have quit the online dating. The self-esteem needs to recover. Here is where it comes full circle for the women on the dating sites. Some women will say that they are sick of the “players” on the dating sites. The “players” know what to say to manufacture the “chemistry” and the “connection”. These women got what they deserve. These are the women who rejected the nice guys like you and then ask, “where are the nice guys”? Hang in there.

          • Jo says:

            Amen – online dating is simply terrible. Tends to make you feel worse off than you really are. Even the younger generations are struggling with it. I read a headline the other day that “STD increase is linked to Dating Apps”. Nice!

          • Boris says:

            ” Some women will say that they are sick of the “players” on the dating sites. The “players” know what to say to manufacture the “chemistry” and the “connection”. These women got what they deserve. These are the women who rejected the nice guys like you and then ask, “where are the nice guys”

            Absolutely spot on. I’m a guy in my early 40s, divorced for 3 years. I met some ladies through online dating, and went along as my ‘nice-guy’ actual self, and I got the ‘no chemistry’ response. So I read the pick-up artist stuff, learned how to be a ‘player’ and went back in. What do you know, in 4 weeks, I’ve got 3 ladies (ages 26, 35 and 42) interested – one of whom kissed me on date one and stayed over on date 4.

            But actually, I’m not a player, I have no interest in being a player. I let the other two ladies down gently, explaining I’d met someone.

            Guys – learn the tricks of a player – that’s what ladies think they want…. But remember – “with great power comes great responsibility” – don’t abuse it. Use the knowledge, create the chemistry – but remember you’re a nice guy. Don’t be a jerk.

            (And ladies before you start hating me for ‘learning’ how to create chemistry – remember that it’s you that wants this crap, not the guys…)

        • Joe says:

          You are self deluding. Read George’s post again, carefully.

    • Tracey says:

      Hi George
      Well you are the same age as me and you sound lovey. Where are you ?

    • Claire says:

      Hi George

      I too have tried match for years and never got a date fun or otherwise. I personally think internet dating is such a con and the only people that suggest i do it are those in relationships andnever tried it themeselves (which makes me laugh). I’m 42 fit yes i’m independant baggage dealt with i love men, i’m easily pleased not materialistic happy with my life but all i’m looking for is someone to enhance it. Is that so much to ask??? it would appear so. I’ve never taken a man for a ride i’ve been open to hearing their past experiences and try hard not to judge people. I have found the only people interested in me now are married men looking for a fling or men much older looking for someone 10 years younger. So basically i’ve resigned myself to spending the rest of my life alone and i’ve accepted this now which was extremely hard to come to terms with. Sad that we all seem to share similar views but cannot get together with someone.

      • Wendy says:

        I read most on this website.
        It does not matter being single or being in marriage. Single is not the second best. It is a matter of choice or no choice in case when you cannot find one that you are looking for.
        What amazed me is that there is no one mention what true love is. Love is a sacrifice. If you are not ready for sacrifice, do not go for love. If you cannot find someone also understands what love is, do not get involved with him/her.
        I am in my mid 40. I have a great career, with great attitude towards life. at least 10 years younger looking. I exercise regularly, eat healthy food and am very positive. At least I know male colleagues are crazy about me. Some of them said I am so attractive. One of them said what a beauty. I know I am good. But I really do not know why they think i am so good, maybe due to my intelligence and confidence. I am looking for satisfying relationship which is based on mutual respect, understanding and real love. Yet I found there are more players than real sincere ones. I refuse to play with anyone and will not have sex with anyone who has no sincere interest in getting to know me. Yes, I have kid and sometime I am tired but my sex drive is still very high.
        A person who chooses to play games reflects his/her inner world is not solid. A person who values him/herself will never choose to play game even he/she was played or screwed by someone. Life is too good to choose bad attitude.
        Finding love sometimes is a matter of luck. I remember someone said, desirable is not attainable; attainable is not desirable. But I still believe there are many good women ( at least I am one of them) who are single. There are many sincere men who are also single. They are all looking. Good luck to all of us who are pursuing happiness and peace.

        • BILLY ANDREW says:

          great post Wendy it seems that so many people see age as a barrier to enjoying life sometimes it is about choosing carefully and making sure that someone is ready to meet you half way Going through the hurt of being someones caretaker for a few months until they feel ready to move on is indescribable and knocks self esteem and confidence there are many lovely people out there

  21. Jackie says:

    I enjoyed reading all the different perspectives here. I am 61. I am in great health. I work too much because I have very little money- was divorced from a crazy husband 11 years ago who destroyed me financially- not that there was very much, but what little there was gone and he ran up debts behind my back that made the economics even worse. I had different work/employment plans that I have never been able to do due to just having to work to make ends meet. Ex ran off in the middle of the youngest’ s first year of college, also had to deal with a pile of debt that was new to me that took years to get rid of.
    OK- have gone out with men and had some pretty serious relationships. I will be very blunt- I am not willing to deal with a lot of health and body issues of men over 60. Sexually, it is not great most of the time- and that is not me not liking sex- just get tired of performance issues…. Also, health- long term health issues are from long term bad eating and living. It catches up. Like many women, I raised my children, ran a household and worked as much then as I do now.
    I simply want a friend to do things with, have a meal with and not have to be a caretaker or to meet what many of my friends call the “established menu”- meaning that quite often with men, they had an ideal when they were 30, it did not work and now they are attempting to have that again… what is so stupid about this is that it could be the freest time they could have and they do not want to budge from their limited scope.
    I am educated, I am a great cook and very funny- but I am 61, do not want marriage- but would love to have a great friend. At this point, I am about to throw in the towel.

    • OMGchronicles
      Twitter: OMGchronicles
      says:

      Hi Jackie. I hear you! I’m a tad younger than you but have found similar issues with men around my age. Please don’t throw in the towel yet; I’m not sure where you live, but I have found, at least in the SF Bay Area, that there are some open-minded, attractive and interesting men around our age (I like to skew a bit younger!) who aren’t necessarily looking for a wife or a live-in partner. If you do online dating, you can read into some of their profiles what they’re looking for. I hope you are able to find a great companion to have fun with … and then go away. 😉

  22. Bud says:

    I have seen several women succumb to the “Cinderella Complex”. The wife wakes up, does not have the material things she thinks she deserves, and dumps the husband; looking for the young handsome plastic surgeon. Her husband is a working man, not a drunk, not an abuser, but not making the money she thinks she deserves. Fast forward 10 months… the husband has adjusted to being a single father. He cooks, cleans and picks up the kids thanks to womens’ lib. He has no need a for a wife. He carries 3 disposable cell phones one for each woman he is dating. (You never know when you will meet a crazy.) The ex-wife on the other hand, has not met the plastic surgeon, she has tried internet dating, and is bitterly disappointed… The ex does not look that bad. Her hand shakes, she makes the call and sheepishly asks if he wants to get back together? What do you think the response will be?

    • Jo says:

      Sounds pretty ridiculous- never heard of a woman trying to upgrade in midlife to a husband who makes more money? Odds of that are next to null. Typically mid life women who dump the husband have a good career and have already been taking care of the family in both domestic and financial ways – they are tired of raising their husband too who acts like an overgrown kid, so yes – 2/3 of divorced are initiated by women. It ain’t no women’s lib either.

      • SJ says:

        I guess the remaining 1/3 of divorces are initiated by men? Wonder what their reasons were/are…the majority doesn’t always speak for the minority…

  23. LivNLife says:

    Over 55, still get winks, staying active, work hard and want to go home to my sanctuary of quiet and calm at the end of the day. Found this site when I Googled “why bother…” in regard to seeking a life partner.

    In response to “Frank,”my experience since divorce has been one player after another and when I finally thought I found an honest, caring guy… 4 years into the relationship his double life was revealed. Now there are walls. I always paid my own way (for the posts above about “material girls”, some of us do play fair and carry our own baggage) and worked to be a supportive partner. At my age, I am not as resilient as when I was younger and my heart doesn’t heal as easily. To give up one’s independence and take a chance only to be duped by someone playing the field… (a white-haired shy guy!) how do you ever trust again?

    I agree that, at this age, I’m not interested in sacrificing or compromising any more. I like the freedom but do sometimes miss the companionship. I wonder about aging alone. It’s not about ego. It is very much about having given and compromised and done for others most of my adult life. A family elder told me 30 years ago that senior women didn’t want to be nursemaids or bed warmers; that still holds true.

    I want a compatible mate; You carry your baggage, I’ll carry mine and we can spend time together and enjoy life without being burdensome dead weight. Isn’t there a happy medium between a couch potato watching Ice Road Trucker repeats and Mr. Party Dude that needs to exercise his viagra prescription? (so, no, the playing field is not level from THAT perspective)

    We’re all aware at this age about health and the importance of staying active… who wants to zone out on TV when there’s active things to do together that enhance the relationship? Men are set in their ways at this point in life, too… women are not alone in being empty nesters. I feel very guarded now about the potential for being lied to again… ugh. Really?

    In spite of the disappointing experiences and heart breaks, I remain optimistic about finding a life partner. I don’t have to marry, and we need to all consider how it affects our retirement/financial plans… staying single is sometimes a better choice in that regard.

    What a dilemma, being single over 50! Life is too short to sit on the couch and I’m not willing to go through another heart ache. I like the security of my nest… it recharges my focus, drive and zest for living life but I love being social.

    Guess I just answered my own question, thanks.

    • OMGchronicles
      Twitter: OMGchronicles
      says:

      Thanks so much for commenting LivNLife. I can understand not wanting to experience heartache again — being lied to is devastating — and yet accepting that we may face heartache again, and we will, is the only way we can ever experience love (or any deep connection with another person) again. A loved one leaves. A loved one dies. A loved one experiences a major illness or disability and is not the same person. There are no guarantees. So, yes, that means we keep putting ourselves out there in the world and living, hopefully at this point, with more gratitude than expectations. I don’t want to be dismissive of the real pain and grief you — and all of us — experience from having your heart broken. At the same time, life in our 50s and older is full of loss — with so much more to come. That’s probably the conversation we need to be having. I wish you the best!

    • Tilly says:

      Great reply, thanks.

    • BILLY ANDREW says:

      you summed it all up beautifully it hurts beyond belief when you get your heart broken self esteem kicked and all you did was be decent and caring keeping optimistic is a great way to be

  24. Ron says:

    You will have to forgive me if I don’t tear up. The “nurse with a purse” thing is a bad excuse for elitism. Who’s to say the roles won’t be reversed, and he’ll be the nurse, and have the money when your part of the divorce runs out. Women have health problems, just the same as men.
    I’m over 50, and while I do have things I have to do, work, I am not so rigid that it’s impossible for me to do new things. I exercise 2 hours a day; running, x-country skiing, biking, and am in better health than many 35 year olds.
    I had a few year relationship with a woman who was approaching 60. Couldn’t tell by looking at her. But after about 2 1/2 years, started to feel like a pet; stay in your pen until I want to do something, then be there on time. So it’s not only men who are set in their ways.
    Sounds like a case of pure stereotypes. Been in a few relationships, but after a while, you can tell it’s not going to work. And I have to add, being divorced is not a badge of honor. I view divorced women warily. Has to be a reason they are divorced, especially more than once, and I doubt very much that it was all his fault.
    So before you start trash-talking men in generalazations, let’s turn the mirror around and take a look at yourself. It might not be men that are the problem; it might be you. 🙂

    • SJ says:

      …takes two to tango…first look at “yourself” in the mirror…just cliches…they say…I was married to my first wife for 17 1/2 years…she always thought grass was greener on the other side…after I left, she went on to relationship after relationship, married and divorced twice more…I feel sorry for her…forever searching…never finding…I was married once…maybe enough for me…

  25. Doug says:

    Liberal feminism has rotted most women in America today.
    Women are no longer women, they been programmed to think they do not need men, but it’s men who need women. The deadly toxic Liberal poison can easily been seen now days in America.
    American women are listed as the worst.
    http://zdatingcoach.com/the-10-worst-countries-to-seduce-women-2012/

    There is also article after article about how bad American are. Most American women, but not all.

    • Jo says:

      Blah blah blah. I’d much rather be financially independent than rely on a man. I guess that’s being a Deadly toxic liberal. Lol. Gotta love those ignorant guys who still think it’s the 1900s. Too many women have no means to support themselves after a divorce because “they needed men” a little too much during their marriages. Now that he has run off with the secretary his ex will live in poverty after the alimony runs dry. The only person you can really count on is yourself – I’m so glad to be on the “worst liberal feminism list”. 😀

    • jay says:

      And on that same note, American men have been turned into entitled babies thinking their girlfriends are their mommies, think that as long as they keep a job (if they can even do that) they don’t need to be available in a relationship and if she gets annoying, just leave her. You have porn sites, video games and plenty of slutty liberated females to have meaningless sex with you can then complain about on here who aren’t wife material, while the ones that are have no choice but to be working 8-12 hours a day. But yes, it’s all the women’s fault, men haven’t changed for the worse at all.

    • tonysam says:

      This is why men like you have problems–you really hate women. All feminism is about is the right to be treated like a human being–not like a sex toy, an incubator, and a servant.

      If you are single, that is why you can’t get anybody. Women can spot a woman-hater a mile away.

      • Falcon says:

        Actually, ‘Jay’ is not a woman hater for having an opinion – which, alot I agree with. To not be with a woman is not necessarily a default position but it is becoming a rational decision of choice. The goal of feminism is to be treated like equals but when it come to catastrophe’s women turn into petulant little girls screaming for help. If equality is not achieved, then why do they piss and moan about alimony, paying for their little shit factories that a man may not have even fathered and have a court system that defaults to catering women over men?

        I’ve been married before to another soldier (female) and she got out and earned a lifetime alimony as soon as it was made law. I stayed in and retired. So, $400K later and a ‘reduced’ payment of now,only $800 per month (children are now adults), she had to file for bankruptcy because she pissed the money away. She pays me $0 for the same marriage. Irony is, I don’t hate women in general but after dating online, you can see women who lived with their husbands until their house was paid off or their schools loans paid and or both and then had the court take his kids away and put his ass out on the street as part of a divorce settlement along with a substantial awarding of monies. Twenty-three states have legalized lifetime alimony, ruining a man’s financial life to where he starts out with a big monkey on his back to try to start over. Greedy women (potential dates) want him ‘baggage free’ to pad her own nest. So men are not hating women, they’re taking the rational and sensible position to avoid them. Getting on an elevator with a female can get you fired if she files a complaint. I always take the next car or have a 3rd person as witness.

        • mj says:

          “baggage free” is important in dating. As a single professional woman who worked her way thru education and never had a penny handed to her, a man with poor decision making skills who chose someone to stay home and become vested in a pension plan from him is not attractive. I have no desire to work to support her lifestyle of leisure while I will receive nothing from it after he pays for his ex and kids that he created. Your life is what you make of it, and your choices reflect your character. Choose well in dating, it affects all areas of your life.
          If you have baggage, accept others with similar baggage, you are matched. If baggage free, choose another baggage free, you are also matched.

        • Rachel Nichols says:

          I don’t have a problem with your criticisms of my gender, Falcon. We may deserve it.

          But you shouldn’t call babies sh*t factories. Not their fault who fathered them.

  26. Helen Wheeler says:

    After reading this, I am so glad to be married to a man that is a good companion but barely tolerable as a husband. Not so great out there is it?

    • SJ says:

      Funny. Wonder if he feels the same way about you. At least it sounds like you appreciate some part of him. Yes, it’s tough out there.

  27. CAS says:

    These comments range from disappointments from past experiences to fears that paralyzes us from moving forward. I am 56, petite reasonably attractive and look younger. I had divorced 29 yrs ago. And, according to one comment in this forum this would indicate there would be something wrong with me. LOL. I have had a few long term relationships, one that we cohabitated together for 8 yrs. Been single for the last 8 yrs after we split up. My job requires me to travel a great deal. I do enjoy a relationship and all it holds for both involved. It is very hard to meet available men, married men are a dime a dozen who are eager to cheat. After reading many comments, it reminded me of why I had decided to end the last relationship…at this age unlike before marrying we wonder what our spouses would be as a parent…this no longer matters at this stage of life. My determining factor was this: if he were to end up in a wheelchair, would I want to care for him and I could easily answer, yes. The flip side, if I were wheelchair bound, do I want him to take care of ME.. Answer: ABSOLUTELY NOT. I have enjoyed my “freedom” but there is so much more to enjoy with someone you mutually respect and freely love. It requires lowering the walls, being realistic that love doesn’t occur on the first date or the second and can’t be rushed or forced..it comes along when you least expect it and it could possibly be right in front of you. Open your hearts and your eyes, time is important but finding a compatible companion is worth the time that it takes. How you got where you are is not as important to the people you meet as much as what you learned from it…leave the sadness behind and move forward with optimism that can make you light up the room with confidence and not injured. It feels really good and people will gravitate to you..try it.

    • SJ says:

      You sound like a nice person with some insight. Hope you find/found the right one.

    • Terry says:

      CAS I love your description of a loving relationship…so beautifully written. You are absolutely right, “there is so much more to enjoy with someone you mutually respect and freely love”. I believe that lowering the walls is the only way to true intimacy.

      • tonysam says:

        You don’t need a man to enjoy life. Women who believe this are not only pathetic, they are going to be sorely disappointed.

        • Rose says:

          @ “tonysam’. I agree a woman should not let “having a man” define her happiness.

          I’ve been divorced for 16 years, I am in my 50’s now, and for the first time since I divorced I truly feel I want to be married again. Now where do I find that guy?

          I’ve tried online dating a bit and dated a guy for close to three years. He is in his 50’s also. and never married. The relationship is strained because it is lopsided. I want marriage, he says he wants marriage also, but I think it is “us” that is not working out. I’ve read some interesting points on preference and choices in this thread and I think that is what it boils down to. Choices and preferences. My “man filter” is set on high at this stage of life and my BS tolerance level is set on low. (smile}. Why? Because I can love hard, enjoy a healthy sex life in a committed relationship. And women in our 50’s tend to have a different set of high standards when it comes to looking for love. So why bother looking for love at my age? I think it is worth it for me for the simple reason that I prefer a sandwich with two slices of bread : )

    • tonysam says:

      Naive as all get-go. You will reach a point in your life when it is all an exercise in futility. There simply won’t be the men out there who are available and have decent health. Men age faster and die younger, and, once they hit 60, start suffering from a host of chronic illnesses. Most of them look horrible, many because they did physical labor for years, and this ages the body. That is simply fact. A single woman would be crazy to take this on.

      Women need to understand that their worth as people is not tied up to relationships to others, especially men.

  28. SJ says:

    Married my high school sweetheart. Lived “the dream” for 15 years (stayed for 17 1/2). No regrets. I feel forever fortunate to have had the experience. Never strayed or looked elsewhere (I had the greatest thing at home!). Yes, I had “offers” from unhappy women in unhappy relationships (why would I be interested?). When my own marriage collapsed, I ended up leaving, despite having a 2 1/2 year-old daughter (light of my life!). Left her mom a paid-for house and cash in the bank. Just wanted to get out of her new-found torture (can you say “Sybil”?)! Bought my own condo and have been solo/single for 18 years. I didn’t realize how hard I worked in the marriage and at the relationship, until I left. Not that I have any regrets, it’s just that I don’t want to do such again. I dated lots of women in their late 30’s, 40’s, and early 50’s. All wanted to rush to the alter or “move in together”. Most had disaster stories of their prior lives (wonder if I attract such…). In their eyes, I was just a “good catch”. Such was not for me. I don’t know what the future holds for me, but I remain optimistic that –if meant to be — I will find a suitable companion. Until then, I just live life to the best of my ability. I liked being in love…it made the days of my life better. I know there are other people out there who feel the same. I wish us all good luck. God Bless.

    • Julie says:

      I was married for 32 years, the last 3 years he was very sick. He passed away almost 3 years ago. I am now 58 years. While marriage was not always easy, as most human relationships are complicated, we loved each other well. I miss the love, the friendship, and the intimacy /sex and cuddling . I don’t care about marriage but I am hopeful I will find love and a good relationship again. The thought of going without an intimate relationship for the rest of my life makes me feel sad. But how to meet a man of my age..?.? I go to meet up groups and out with friends, I take care of myself, and enjoy life. I’ve been on line dating but found it to be a tough go..

  29. Tilly says:

    I came across this just now from a search as I was feeling having gone through menopause and now on the other side, my skin and face has just *changed* without my being able to do anything about it (save cosmetic surgery or some such icky thing). It is not fair, we take care of ourselves then hormones go away and we are stuck with this new look. So how to go out there and still feel attractive? And then, find an attractive man near same age (mid 50’s) without having to settle. I haven’t dated in 4 years because life got in the way. Now I don’t feel desirable though have been told I don’t look my age. Online dating is discouraging as mostly there are no interesting men (or ones without a big belly and they all have pics of motorcylces, dogs, fish, what’s with that?) I don’t want a warm body. It’s frustrating now. This was a perfect article for how I am feeling today and I enjoyed the comments as well. Thanks.

    • Terry says:

      Ha! I had to laugh at your description of so many men’s dating profiles. They do love their motorcycles, don’t they! LOL

    • mj says:

      Confidence is key in dating!
      Get the surgery if it gets you there, because without it it’ll be all uphill

  30. Affa says:

    I do understand completely!
    You of course, have to be selective and prudential in Your choices.
    Once, years ago, a friend of mine, was presented with a proposition, which He turned down.
    The fella who posed the setup to Him, became annoyed, and said to My Friend:
    You’re a little old to be choosy; aren’t You?
    My Friend replied: That’s exactly why I have to be!
    So here You are in Your Amber years. Confused and scared. Coming to grips with
    the worn out cliché: “70 is the new forty”, was designed to fuel consumerism.
    Maybe You are not formally educated and are not suited for the job market.
    Perhaps the divorce settlement just wasn’t big enough or You “wanted it all”, ran into
    a perpetual string of Men that: “JUST DIDN’T GET IT!”,
    and You were just too independent to settle for anything less!
    Or maybe, considerations for the future just were never seriously taken into account!
    No formal education, no marketable skills, no ambition; Who knows?
    But You’re in real school now! Let’s face it; Your best Days are behind You.
    Security, security, security!
    What about My health care? My taxes? My osteoporosis and rheumatism.
    The little luxuries that make life worthwhile? Will You be reduced to eating cat food
    because You’re broke? And You don’t qualify for “meals on wheels”.
    The social security check doesn’t always arrive on time, and You rarely hear from
    the kids (If You were even selfless or Woman enough to have any!)
    Even Florida gets cold these days, and there are no subway grates to sleep on.
    What to do? When the pickin’s are so slim and You need to latch on to a meal ticket! And the supermarket is not hiring baggers any longer.
    What to do! Oh what to do!!!

  31. Jola says:

    Glad I stumbled on to this forum. It is most interesting to read other people’s experience. It makes me realize just how lucky I presently am. Just over two years ago, my husband of over 35 years left me for a younger woman. I was 61 at the time and quite blind-sided. I had no interest in meeting another man and thought that my two adult children were all I needed. Then, about 6 months ago, at the suggestion of a friend, I put my profile on a dating site, clearly stating that I was not looking for a man to complete me, but rather a companion to spend some time with. Within an hour of posting my profile, I got contacted by a “young man” of 49. After getting over my initial scepticism, we met and have been seeing each other regularly ever since. He is kind, intelligent, with an excellent career, caring, generous and old-fashioned in the most wonderful way. We see each other on the average once a week, mostly Saturday to Sunday. We go to movies, museums and often he cooks dinner for me at his place. We have a great emotional connection, spend hours talking, and yes, have sex. The latter is great, probably because we deeply care for each other. After spending a great day and night together, I go home to my place, looking forward to the next time. We keep in touch during the week by texting once or twice to make plans for the upcoming weekend (he is an introvert and does not do telephone conversations very well). We both have our lives (he has a very demanding jog), while I work (in a low pressure job), play sports two nights a week and spend time with my kids. Neither of us desires more from our relationship. In our case, quality definitely counts more than quantity. I thank Karma every day for sending this quietly confident and wonderful man my way. I know that if our relationship should come to an end, it will be done in a respectful and loving manner. No, I don’t need a man in my life to complete me, but it sure is nice to have one to enhance it.

    • Affa says:

      “young man” of 49 . . .
      How is He fixed for cash?

      • Jola says:

        Very well. He has an extremely responsible and high profile job and, believe it our not, pays for everything, or at least 80% of the time. The other 20% I have to insist on paying. I know it sounds too good to be true. I think the reason it works so well is the fact that neither of us is looking for more than we what we have. Neither of us wants to move in together, and are happy to just spend a day a week together. We have yet to say a cross word to each other. Is he as perfect as I make him sound? Probably not, and neither am I. Being together as little as we are, we enjoy every minute together and don’t have the time to get on each others nerve. Works for us and I hope it will continue for some time to come.

  32. Mariana says:

    Wow, that last relationship is just what I’m looking for. Three years ago I found out that my husband of 24 years was having an affair with a 27 year old (we were 49). I left him and since then I have been on and off some dating sites. Last February I started a relationship with someone I met on Match. It was great because we got along extremely well, he was fun and easy going and he was a widower that loved his wife. Not a cheater. But there were two problems: he wanted to see me everyday and the chemistry wasn’t there. One day last fall I told him that it felt more like a friendship. He said he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, and four days later he was on another date. After a couple weeks, he found a new “girlfriend” and is very serious about her. He was and is a great guy but was very needy. We are still friends but I don’t want to complete anyone. I want someone to hang out with a couple times a week, take a long weekend trip once in awhile, or watch a movie together. Getting married again sends a chill up my spine. At least not right now. I’m not giving up though and it’s good to know that kind of relationship is out there and it’s worked for other women like Jola!

  33. Thornnorth says:

    JaneDoe 2269 nailed it for me. I was divorced at 44 for the younger woman and children were not an issue. I was raised in an environment where men and women worked, hard, together, to create the best they new how. I have been through plenty of teeth rattling experiences, on my own, for the last 20 years. Ultimately, I have my own small business (a lot of stress would have been spared if I’d been an entrepreneur from the beginning instead of trying to follow a traditional career track), that has literally saved the ranch and kept the roof over my head, not to mention some hours of terrific pleasure in nature. A window of opportunity is arriving when I could make a change and the one ingredient that can sway the outcome is fellowship with a like minded male. I will move forward, whatever the men do, that is my nature. It just would be so much more satisfying to share the outcome. How does anyone ever have a successful search?

  34. Eric says:

    Please, this is an opinion based load. Notice there’s only one “study” to affirm preconceived notions & there’s a reason the authors of the study are proudly cited in prose. Then the eliminate men from the dating pool that aren’t chasing women like herself or other approved demographics. Notice, the two women who have relationships are getting married, the author doesn’t show interest & is single too. Even the study the author cites says older women who refuse to give up independence get loneliness instead, & that she like the lonely women want companionship & independence. LOL. I feel like if I mention that as time goes by women start to greatly out number men the women who compromise get first choice I’m insulting her as if I’m saying 2+2=4

    • OMGchronicles
      Twitter: OMGchronicles
      says:

      You are are assuming, Eric, that the only companionship older women can have or want is with men, but many enjoy gal pals, children, grandchildren. Many older women are fine with compromising in love — to a point. Which is why many choose to live apart from their romantic partners, as I do. It offers freedom and companionship.

  35. Laurie says:

    I found this site after searching for “middle age mutually beneficial relationship”. Unfortunately, this search produced predominantly Sugar Daddies/Sugar Babies websites. I am an attractive, never married, 47-yr-old woman, who has always been very independent. Now that I am older, wiser, and my 22-yr-old son has left the nest, I realize my independence has been to my detriment. Fearing commitment and the loss of my independence, along with thinking there would always be more time, has now left me wondering what I have given up. At this age it is almost impossible to meet someone, especially for an introvert. Now that I want someone to take care of who will take care of me as well, I have to face the fact it will probably never happen. I wish there were a service or something where people could “advertise” what they had to offer to meet up with others who are seeking and willing to enter into a “mutually beneficial” honest relationship. For example, I really don’t mind doing laundry, cooking dinner, and cleaning, in fact I often find it therapeutic. I enjoy giving back rubs, kissing, cuddling, laughing at life, sex, etc. I have always gotten along better with men than women. There are probably many 45 to 60-yr-old men out there who would appreciate all of those things. I don’t think all 45 to 60-yr-old men enjoy an immature 20 to 30-something. I would hope they would find value in someone who can carry on an intellectual conversation, is witty, and can appreciate the simple things in life. Both parties gain companionship and additional financial stability allowing for more frequent and enjoyable leisure activities, travel, dining, etc. I’m not saying I necessarily want to get married, although it might be nice. I would like to enjoy life, with someone else in the moment, and not worry about what tomorrow might bring.

  36. Max says:

    Hello!

    I’m a 52 year old male and my experience is that women my age and older, who want to date and even have a committed relationship, are very rare indeed. So I find myself looking for younger women, not because they are “pretty” but because they are motivated and open to possibilities.
    If I had a dollar for every time I saw “I’m a strong, independent woman” by a personal ad, I would be able to retire today. Women don’t get it, so they have to settle for men less than their ideal partner. Ladies! Men don’t give a S#@t if your strong or not, unless we need you to buck some bales, and the fact that your independent translates to “I don’t need you, so be aware that your very expendable” which is always a turn on for any man. Right? Everyone wants to know that their potential partner has no real use for them except their own self gratification, right? What kind of human being would ever write “strong and independent” unless it was a man? Women don’t realize this statement alone will make 90% of the men disappear entirely, the other 10% having some sort of dominance fetish. Get real….and get smart.
    Also, I have actually seen educational ads on TV that say “women find intelligent men attractive”. This is almost never the case, not in our age. It is more often perceived as threatening, remember “strong and independent”? She doesn’t want a man smarter than her, or anywhere close. If you are an intelligent, attractive, white collar professional man, you would be better off swinging a hammer all day, joining a bowling league, and having a vocabulary like a sewer and then you would find a mate. But watch out, she will be strong and independent, at least until you slap her down and she finds its all worth it anyway.

  37. Sharon Warden says:

    Wow

  38. Lana says:

    Im a 53 yo never married female. No kids. It wasn’t by choice, just didn’t get to “that point”. Got close, was engaged at 30 but it was a rebound and I had to cut him loose, it was not the right thing to do and I have no regrets about doing the right thing. For years, decades, I carried the “I will meet the right guy one day and it will happen”. It kept me literally alive through years of dating hell. My last rship finished a couple years ago and I wish I had better self esteem through my 20s and 30s because I may not be alone today. I managed to pick a whole bunch of guys that were not right for me. Now with the possibility of kids waaay over, I have some regrets. But I don’t regret making the wrong decision and marrying and breeding just because “all my friends were doing it”. At some point you get over the concept of the “white poofy dress and ring”. I can buy my own jewellery and am slowly learning to love myself and my own company. If I meet a great guy at this stage, not even sure if I want to get married now. Who knows, it’s still open, but unlikely. I dreamt about being a beautiful young bride and having a home and family life like so many women do – but it’s not going to happen. Unfortunately I am not very good with the “FWB” arrangement, it suits some and not others. I get emotionally attached and it all ends badly.
    I see women who are married but miserable, but won’t leave because financially they don’t want to have to go back to work or full-time work. I look after myself, no man has ever looked after me financially since I was a kid (my Dad!). I think the whole marriage children thing isn’t worth it – unless you are totally into each other and totally committed and in love. It never happened to me and I’m sad, but on the other hand I am capable and independent – because I’ve HAD to learn to be. So many times I’ve “started Over” after a rship breakup. Lots of friends lost along the way, “here we go again” scenario. Not sure if I have the energy to get my heart smashed up again now.

  39. Jake B. says:

    I have found it quite true that most women in their 50’s are not interested in your average male of the same age or a little older. The reasons vary, but a lot of it has to do with money first. Many have benefited from divorce and/or death (benefits) from the departure, in one way or another, of their first or even second husbands. After all this work on their part they are very guarded that some loathsome male sould will come along and want some of it. Okay, I can see that. Like I said, they worked hard to get that cash from their exes and it’s for them. Period. The second reason is they fear being caretakers for another loathsome male soul who might come along and actually show her some affection. The affection may be nice but the imagined potential adult diapers are not. This leaves women searching for those not-so-loathsome male souls who have enough money to finance their own health care and also don’t need their money to buy their latest post-middle age toy. This is a small, small sample.

    This is why I suggest that 50ish women just forsake the US or Western market alone and go for a foreign house boy with multiple skills, from fixing appliances to fixing a low libodo. The houseboy will have affairs on the side with younger women and the 50-something can get a nice cat for a companion and chat on NPR forums for intellectual fulfillment. But the points will be scored with the aquiring of an acceptable male

    Meainwhile, I discovered something interesting. I fortunately do not look my age (honestly). I look from mid-thirties to late thirties — I am late 50’s in reality. I have discovered that some foreign women whom I get to know first simply based on my appearance are much more likeable, less demanding and more accommodating — in every way, even when I tell them my real age. True, some are hucksters, seeking green cards or citizenship, but a good many are not. Many have just had privations throughout their lives and are happy for company, as more than one has said to me, somebody–anybody– who will “love” them. I am not rich by any means: i drive a 13 year-old car and live in a modest house, so there is none of them mistaking me for rich, but I do find that I love them.

    Few American 50ish women would “settle” for my lifestyle. That’s fine. Your choice. Your loss. I have all my hair, teeth, intellect, health (down to the plumbing working quite well), and I have tried the go-around with the 50’s female crowd, and it’s just tiring. And you don’t want me anyway, so alls well that ends well.

  40. Terry says:

    This article was interesting to me because I’m a 53 yo twice-divorced woman and I’m trying to figure out just what type of relationship I want.

    1. What’s been your experience dating at midlife?
    I’ve been in an on-again, off-again relationship with a wonderful man (he’s 59 now) for just over 3 years. The first couple of years were bittersweet: absolutely wonderful at times…so passionate and loving, followed by breakups over insecurities. He fell hard and fast; I was more gun-shy after 2 failed marriages. I honestly think we were both afraid of being hurt. Now we’ve been together for over a year with no breakups (quite a record for us), but some of the magic is gone. I’m “all in” this time around, but he’s got a wall up, and is keeping his heart guarded.

    We still have great times together, but the sweet, loving, affection and passion are missing. Sure, we make love, and spend the majority of our time together. We’ve been on several family vacations and weekend getaways for two. but something is definitely missing.

    2. Would you marry again? Why/why not?
    We had talked about the future before, but now we’re just taking it day by day. I’m pretty sure that someday I’ll want to get married again, but not anytime soon. We each have our own houses, and have the occasional sleepover, but in the past it was more like 4-5 times a week (too much) as opposed to 1-3 times a month (not enough) now. He has an 18 yo son and a 20 yo son, so he’s not quite an empty-nester (he’s had a few custody issues with his ex over the past 3 years). My kids are 30 and 27, and have been out on their own for years. I’m just getting to the point that I’m really enjoying my empty nest and the relationship that I have with my adult children. He and I both earn a comfortable salary and can easily survive financially on our own. Whether I’m just in a long term relationship or a marriage, I want the magic and a loving relationship. Right now I’m trying to figure out just what that relationship looks like.

    3. Do you believe it’s a level dating playing field for older men and older women?
    I’m not sure about the level playing field for older mend and older women. It seems like the older men usually want younger women. I personally prefer someone my age or a little older. I’ve never been attracted to younger men.

    4. Would you prefer to be alone versus give up your freedom?
    That’s a hard choice, but I really think it’s a trick question. I think I want the best of both worlds. I enjoy companionship, but not just on dates or or vacations. At some point I want to have someone to share my life with…to wake up with every morning, not just 1-3 times a month. Even though we maintain separate houses, we help each other with our respective “honey-do” lists. We usually share our evening meal together and watch a little tv together during the week, but then we kiss goodnight and go to our separate houses for the night. Sometimes I absolutely love it, having my alone time, but I think that one day I’ll want more. What that “more” looks like exactly, I’m not quite sure yet.

    I married the first time at 20 while still in college. We were married for 15 years, so I didn’t live on my own and learn to be independent until much later. After divorce #1, I was a single mother with custody of my 2 kids…working and trying online dating. I met and dated several men online, but the creeps out-numbered the nice guys. Ironically, I met someone on a blind date (not from a dating site) and after almost 3 years of dating, we married. Little did I know that I really wasn’t ready for marriage #2. Nine and a half years later we divorced. Financial difficulties and his job losses kept me in the marriage longer than I would have liked. I just couldn’t divorce him while he was jobless. Sad, but that’s why I stuck around for the last 3 years.

    So, I’ve tried learning from my mistakes, and I’m keeping an eye out for red flags. I’m trying to determine the difference between being discerning or avoiding commitment. I’m enjoying living alone now, but one day I want to have someone to share my life with…Someone intelligent, sweet, fun, silly, romantic, and open to love.

  41. Rachel says:

    I would much rather be alone than give up my freedom. I’m in a bit different circumstance. At 47, I’ve never been legally married(was with my ex for 7 yrs and we considered ourselves married) and am christian so it definitely closes my dating field somewhat. I’m not sure I’d want to get legally married for financial reasons but would definitely have to have a commitment ceremony. I want companionship more than sex(nothing a man can do that I can’t do myself) or marriage definitely. But don’t want some endless dating cycle that’s more like a friendship. I already have 2 male best friends(my ex “illegal” husband and my ex boyfriend/roommate) so don’t need another of those but you can never have too many friends. And I don’t want to be a caretaker. Did that with Mom, grandma, a little with dad and was Mommy to my alcoholic ex. With my odd requests my dating pool is much less. I’ve never had good luck with men. Last therapist said dysfunctional attracts like because of childhood. Yep!!! Childhood issues,, the catchall for everything(Mom and Dad are to blame). She also said before I look for another relationship I need to fix myself. At nearly 50, good luck with that one.
    That said, I’ve pretty much decided to go it alone and stop looking. I have too many requirements and not enough in the dating pool. I would like someone but I’m okay being alone. Might as well be, I haven’t had much luck in the past. The men I do meet are usually not on the same financial playing field as me, most are dysfunctional, some are alcoholics and/or abusers and most are game players or timewasters(online and off). I have no desire to waste time and energy. I love to travel and photography and blogging take up quite a bit of time with every day stuff leaves little time to think about a partner except when I’m writing about it.
    I think it’s easier for me because I travel alot and I don’t expect to meet anyone and I’m not trying. Doing something you love fills a big void, at least for me. I worry about when I get older and can no longer drive and travel the way I do now. Anyway, I’ve rambled on enough. Good article, BTW.

  42. GY says:

    Looking into the dating pool, no one has a crystal ball. It takes an open heart and open mind to accept the risk, and to want to move forward to get to know another person. At this age, becoming attached is a decision, it’s not by magic. It’ s finding kindness, generosity, genuine interest and goodwill, shared values, some activities in common, and deciding on a joint adventure. If a prospective mate doesn’t work out, let them down easy, as you would want to be treated if the tables got turned.
    The comments about men’s sexual performance are unfortunate, there again an open mind is key. There are many ways to skin a cat and please each other, and it s always better when the pressure is not on. As a woman of 55, I’ve had knee repairs, keep an eye on my blood pressure, wear reading glasses, gained a few pounds over the years, so… None of these things “perform” as they did 20 years ago. I am for cutting men some slack as long as they are open to enjoying togetherness in different ways.
    Resolve to be good to each other, time is flying by and is so precious at this point. Best of luck to all.

    • Zenzalei says:

      After spending the last hour reading through all of the comments from readers here, yours is the only one that struck me as coming from a place of complete emotional health. So glad I hung in there until the end!

  43. Curtis says:

    I have read a lot about the discord between men and women in the comments above. I am surprised that there are any people in relationships at all anymore with the majority of the bitter attitudes and hurtful comments.

    I am 43, and I am a single father to the last of my four children as my youngest daughter is still at home (15). I am divorced. I consider myself to be average or above in looks, my physique is holding alright for a man of my age, etc. But to get to the point of relationships; I have taken on the responsibility of raising my two grandchildren who are very young and have had them for 3 years. I received them into my home as my own when they were 1.5 years and 5 mos. old, respectively. My conversations with women usually end up with a lot of “respect” or “admiration” for a man who is willing to take on such responsibilities, but they quickly lose any romantic interest.

    So as a point of inquiry from any of you who may be more knowledgeable than I am; how does this situation fit into finding a companion, a committed woman with this type of variable? Ironically, single moms have hit on me as a prospect to be with until they have found out that I also have children. And the children that I have are very young.

    I have decided that the best course of action for me is to simply focus on my children and to raise them as best as I can without a “mother” role model. It truly is unfortunate for the children to be in this position, but I have not lost the perspective of family and commitment, like so many seem to do when mid-life comes knocking. I just cannot seem to find like-minded women. It appears that the perspectives of freedom have been defined as being alone, rather than being free to love and to be loved.

  44. Bill the Pill says:

    I’m a divorced, professional, american man in my mid-fifties. I have zero interest in dating and have not done so in the ten years since my marriage ended. I like not having to answer to or “work things out” with anyone. I like my time alone. I don’t expect someone to take care of me or support me. I will concede the point that there are some, maybe even many, nice worthwhile single women in their mid fifties out there. I’m not running into them. Most middle aged women I encounter are entitled and self-absorbed. Their idea of an emotionally healthy man is some twit who will constantly cater to whatever they are complaining about at the moment. I’m not that guy. I have accepted who I am, and I’m cool with being alone. I love my work and my children. I have many friends and a hundred things I’d love to learn about. Many middle aged men don’t need to date or be in relationships to be happy. I’m one of them.

    • Zenzalei says:

      I don’t think it’s gender-specific. I think many middle-aged *people* don’t need to date or be in relationships to be happy.

      However, I do see how you may have run into entitlement. I have a relative who drove me nuts with that when she was in her mid-50s. She said point-blank that she wanted someone “exceptional” who would take her out to dinner, maybe come home and have a little fun, then go home. All I could think was, “And how are YOU ‘exceptional’ that Pierce Brosnan should materialize in your living room?”

      Sometimes I wonder how much of that is generational, with Baby Boomers being the Me Generation. I’m 49 and I had the worst time with entitlement attitudes from men more than a couple of years older than I am. And maybe some of it is that some women feel there should be some grand karmic payback in the form of a dashing white knight for all the years they sacrificed to their kids and ex-husband. But that strips the humanity right out of it, because a man is not a thing to be acquired any more than a woman is.

      As for self-absorption, I freely admit that I am entirely too self-absorbed to think about dating. It’s not that I would demand something of someone else. Quite the opposite. It’s that I want to, and need to, do for myself with things like getting my retirement plans on track, seeing a little bit of the world while I’m still young and healthy, etc. With all I’m working on for me, and all the time and effort that takes, there’s really not much left in the tank for someone else. And that’s okay. I’ve probably had more than my fair share of men in this lifetime already, anyway. 😉

      • Zenzalei says:

        OMG, that last line makes me sound like such a strumpet. My point is that I’ve had a few loooooong relationships and been married — basically always had a committed relationship when I wanted one — and I realize I’ve been lucky that way. Only two SOs turned out to be jerks. The rest and my ex-hub were good people and we just wanted different things. Yeesh. I’ll shut up now.

    • AmericanAndLonely says:

      Middle aged men can be as equally self absorbed. Maybe even more so. Plus they love to lord it over older women that they can get women of any age, even going overseas on those so-called “Romance Tours” for mail order brides who are young enough to be their doggone daughters. Now that’s not ‘entitlement’, I don’t know what is.

  45. Jack says:

    Two years after catching my ex-wife cheating on me -with a woman-, after a 25 year marriage, I can say that at age 56 I feel pretty “sideways”. I’m now starting feel attracted to women again after 2 years of therapy and time trying to heal. I’m afraid to get involved because I’m starting to enjoy my complete independence (my 18 year old is in college now) and I also don’t want to lose myself again catering to and investing time into someone, and I refuse to lose my daughters inheritance to another situation. I’m way into me these days with buying clothes, things, and working on and enjoying good health. I’ve never been so selfish, and I really like just being me again. It will be hard finding someone to accept having only a parallel life with mine, meeting me in the middle while we have our own homes, money, and time to ourselves. I just want a friend to spend time with a couple of times a week, and spend the rest of the time just being free. Call me crazy!

  46. jay says:

    Reading this whole thing and other pages/sites like it, just confirms me committing suicide. Modern marriage is nothing more than two rommates shacking up, being dumb enough to “marry” (sign a financial and property contract) based on nothing and giving up when it gets hard. And why not? What a horrible empty society we live in now, what IS the point? Marriage and relationships have been so utterly destroyed, families are a thing of the past or only for non-Western societies that bothered to keep their values and familial bonds. Hopefully future generations will get rid of this progressive meaningless nightmare we live in. The only people winning are the lawyers and authoritarian systems eroding us.

  47. Craig says:

    Many good points all the way around on this forum. Here’s a situation that’s very common and yet there’s virtually no discussion on it.
    The person who can’t divorce (usually for economic reasons) but wants to date. And in some instances (again often for economic reasons) the two spouses remain in the house.
    I’m a 55 year old male married to a gal who came out as gay a couple of years of ago. For economic/insurance reasons, we stayed together in the same house. Virtually impossible for me to date anyone as you can imagine.
    Had lunch with old high school friend recently. She’s 54 and is separated. She and her hubby live apart but also for economic/insurance reasons can’t divorce. While her dating issues are less of a problem (guys are less picky re: marital status), it’s still an issue for her.
    You’re thinking we should get together. She’s a great gal and I love her to death but our relationship goes back 37 years to high school and is likely to stay platonic. I wouldn’t mind dating her but I don’t think she feels the same way towards me and just wants to stay buds. She knows me too well to date me.
    So how do I find women like her in similar situations (married but available)?

  48. Sabrina says:

    Well, I had married at 19, but divorced at 28. At first i relished my independence. ButI never dreamed I’d still be unmarried at nearly 56! The dating scene is awful! I’m having an exceptionally hard time getting a man to even notice me in the first place. Even when i do meet someone all they want is to be platonic. Whenever I’ve expressed the desire for romantic love, sex and marriage, I get criticism and told you don’t need a man, you’re a strong Black woman. Never mind everyone around me seems to be partnered up. ..even gals who are fatter and have terrible personalities! Oh well, one can blame and complain all they want but in the end one has to face the fact the life isn’t fair…and just deal with it. Unless a miracle happens, I know I’ll be just another unmarried on the shelf older woman. No ones fault really. It is what it is.

  49. Falcon says:

    In was married for 9 years about 30 years ago. I’ve since lived a very full life after realizing that I’d live one of quiet and totally depressing if I’d stayed. My experience tells me that I made the right choice. So, 3 children, 7 grandchildren and $400K later, I’m living a life that suits me much better. I come and go where I want, when I want, and how I want. The lifelong ‘spousal maintenance’ is just something to work around anymore while I watch the ex. finally reap the benefit of her own BS, file for bankruptcy and shelter a sorry son-in law that can’t provide for our daughter. In the meantime, I also have 2 older children with strong backgrounds with loving wives and 6 children between them. My responsibility is done. My ex. still can’t take responsibility for how she hoisted herself on her own petard

  50. Joe says:

    I’m so glad I found this website. I found it much the same way you all did and read all the replies. My story is I got divorced almost 16 years ago after a 12 year marriage and 2 awesome sons. Since then I dated a lot, mostly on Match.com and recently Plenty of fish. I almost got married after a 6+ year relationship but broke off the wedding about 4 months prior. It was heart breaking but knew I would have been very unhappy (long story). What I can tell you is that things totally changed once the big 50 hit (I’m 52 now). People are very picky and I’m no exception. I have contacted several women on Plenty of fish who I thought were attractive to me. Very few if any responded (6’2″, dark hair, blue eyes, good shape, a house, great career). But I did get several emails from women I had very little to no interest in. So in the past year I started to actually feel like I’m not interested in going through the dating process anymore. It was very disturbing at first but now I have come to accept it. I chalked it up as aging. Then just today I finally hid my profile. Now don’t get me wrong, I still like women. They are still attractive to me. I find them very interesting, and fun to spend time with (and other things of course). But I have simply lost the drive to go on dates and do the work. Maybe that last wedding I ditched was my last love and don’t want to go through all that pain again. Lastly I totally respect everyone’s views here. All of them. If 60 year old men don’t do it for you, don’t do it. Simple. Nobody should be judged for doing what they simply desire or don’t desire. I’m a little torn myself. I’m not sure I’m ready to give up looking for a special woman to spend time with. It just seems like people my age can’t start a romantic relationship very easy anymore. We have been there and done that with weddings, making babies, and buying houses together. Where’s the motivation? And hey does anybody out there like their freedom? I know I do. But the thought of growing old alone can be daunting. I’m still trying to figure this out.

    • Mark says:

      Great story Joe. It’s sometimes better to be alone than with bad company. What happens though is that as you get older (I’m 55), I think we all start to realize there’s a plan. We just don’t know what it is. Things happen or don’t happen for a reason. When you least expect it, you may meet the love of your life and be forever happy. Or you may be destined to stay single. It’s very hard to see the future. My advice is to get involved with things you enjoy-church, golf, fishing, music, model trains-whatever. You may have a better chance of meeting that right person through mutual interests than by randomly dating.

      • Joe says:

        Thanks Mark. I’m just going with the flow. It’s taking a little getting used to not checking my online dating site for messages but so far I’m pretty happy just letting things be. I’m going to join the local corvette club so I’m excited about that. Thanks for the tips.

        Joe

        • Ellan says:

          Well told story Joe, I am a divorced female after 19 years of marriage. I agree with what Mark said that “it is better to be single than with a bad/wrong partner” , then it just waste of time. Dating in 50’s is so different because we all have baggages, at this age compatible companionship is more important than a marriage, it is so much time consuming for online dating, I don’t like it at all. Met couple of nice men online, but didn’t work out.
          People said if we didn’t look then we would narrow our chance of meeting other people. I looked, but I couldn’t find one either. I stopped looking. I admit that the feeling of loneliness comes time to time, but is not that bad comparing to be with a wrong one.
          I believe in destiny, the right person will come at the right time. I still believe in romantic relationship even at age 52 🙂 . My friends call me a dreamer, but I believe that someday we all will meet the right one.
          I had a lot of chances to meet younger guys because they thought I was in my late 30’s, they all surprised when I told them my age. I rather go with my own generation, because it is fun to grow old together. Good luck and don’t be discourage. The right one will come when you are not looking.
          -Ellan

  51. Joe says:

    I am a 69-year-old man. I haven’t had a lot of dates in my life. Most women turn me down for dates; some just stood me up. It doesn’t matter what my age was, or their age was. I stopped asking women out because it’s clear they are not going to go.

  52. Jay says:

    Well since the of today have really Changed since the Good old days when now there are so many very Greedy, Selfish, and very Money hungry women these days that will only want the Best of all and will Never settle for Less unfortunately. This certainly keeps many of us Good men Single since trying to meet a Good woman that can Accept us for who we really are really makes it very Tough for us men right now since many of us are Not Single by choice

  53. Adam says:

    I’m older, 52 and in great physical condition. In addition I look 10-20 years younger and consider myself somewhat above average looking (I still get a LOT of looks). Unlike Dave, I don’t have a particularly wonderful life (although it by no means sucks). I also have never been married, have no children and have not been in and out of relationships my entire adult life. In fact I have extremely limitied dating experience as well as munimal experience with women in general (long story). This must and will change. I have no particular hangup on dating younger women. I’m in search of women that are intelligent, sweet/kind, physically fit and attactive (facial beauty is of particular importance) whom share common interest and goals. I guess the desired age range would be 30 -50. I’ll also relate that I feel out of step with women at both ends of the spectrum. I can’t relate intelllectuallly or emotionally with younger women and I don’t share in the immense experience of older women. I’m looking for a custom fit system to solve my unique dilema.

  54. Mags says:

    Hi,
    I stumbled upon this website while googling because I wondered if I was weird. It seems not. I am 57, have been married, divorced, engaged again and reinvented myself after some serious illness and have no children. I went to University for the first time at 48 and gained an honours degree and I am now in the final stages of a PhD in biomedical science ( I was a nurse before illness). During that time I met an Italian online quite by chance and after several months chatting he asked if I would like to meet in Rome. Well, of course, I went. We got on very well and subsequent visits were planned and eventually I met the parents. OMG, the MOTHER!!! We were engaged and he did buy me a very nice ring, but eventually MOTHER won and I was discarded. It has taken me ages to get over him, and it has been almost 4 years since I have seen him.
    Fast forward to now. I am busy at university, I have good friends, live by myself (after being carer for my late mother and her dementia while doing my degree and going to Italy to be with him). I live in a council high rise flat ( the one I cared for my mum) and mostly I have decent neighbours. I have been there since 2003 and 4 of the 6 neighbours on my floor have been there longer than me. One neighbour is 60 and divorced and also looked after his aged mum for a long time and we got on quite well over the years. Last night he chapped my door bringing me a parcel that he had taken for me and we chatted a bit at the door. I was having a glass of wine and asked him in and he had a glass of wine with me. He has been in before, but last night he just went that bit further and I was not comfortable with it. He was nice and gentle, and we kissed, although I asked him to stop a couple of times and I ended up asking him to go home, which he did. BUT he invited himself around again tonight, and I have been anxious about it all day even though I told him I didn’t want to go down that road. I went to the gym today and while there decided that I would knock on his door when I got home and explain that I really just want to be by myself tonight, but he wasn’t in and I wrote a note and posted it in his letterbox.
    Am I weird? I just can’t be bothered with it any more, maybe because I have a lot going on in my life at the moment?

    • LoongtimeSingle says:

      Why do you doubt yourself? If you don’t want to get involved with this neighbour that’s OK. It is not because a guy wants something from you that you have to give it to him. You say that you are not comfortable with what he does, well that means it does not work for you. So just tell him to stop and that you have no romantic interest in him. Just because he is a man and you are a woman does not mean that you have to like him. When you meet a guy that you fancy you will feel fine when he pursues you.

  55. PL says:

    Hi All,
    I first want to say that I have enjoyed reading all about everyone’s dating experiences after the ages of realizations and expectations! I too have been trying to figure out this older life dating thing. I am 53 now and have been single for the past 2 years. I can’t say that I enjoy being single for single sake, but I do enjoy the time to get to me some. I have made myself completely available both physically and financially to a marriage relationship for 6 years. To me it was what life was about. To embrace my partner and his endeavors and to hope after doing so that he would do the same. In the beginning of our dating and marriage he did just that, but then became all too comfortable with the fact that I was a strong, capable, mostly independent woman. When I say mostly, I mean that I am capable of taking care of myself, but I am not financially able to take total care of the both of us while still caring for my son, now in college, myself and him too as well. As he decided to stop working like he had and started scheming on ways to put it all on just me. Scheming in ways to shirk his responsibility of helping pay our mortgage and any other bills! Money always seems to drive a wedge in a relationship when one decides to make the other responsible for everything. Well, it did when I have tried it a few times. I am not saying I don’t want to be responsible for myself and my son, I am just saying that I should not have to be solely responsible for a grown man as he shouldn’t have to be solely responsible for me either! I always thought that in a relationship that each person basically took care of their part and if they needed a little help from their partner then their partner would support them on times of need and vice versa. I never imagined being the sole support and then watching my then mate go behind my back with his mommy and steal from me! I mean come on, I was by his side through thick and thin, put in every dollar I made into what I thought was love, sharing and a lifelong marriage, only to find betrayal in every aspect. I then left the relationship of pure craziness as he fought in court to get me to pay him alimony and to give him my household furniture that I bought before our marriage. Then found out he held a family trust fund that he could live on for life. So what do I think about dating at this age? I haven’t even thought about it until two years later now. My ex has certainly given me a shock into what dating would give me in life. I have been trying to reset myself since he took me for such a ride. Reset by means of my financially getting my life back in order since he took me for everything except my self worth. I feel that I have made significant progress in that area now and feel I can finally present myself as an independent woman again in the dating field. I just didn’t see me reaching out to anyone these past two years while I needed to fix myself and expect someone else to “fix” my life. I am a 5’6″ blonde, female, mother , educated masters degree, good job, funny, 135 lbs, healthy, active, caring, happy, Life loving, pet toy poodle love, inquisitive, researching, gardening, man loving and I mean love of a real man, not a mama’s boy, but as a real woman and a real man relationship that requires two to stand up and be grown-up when it comes to being responsible for self!
    Would I be willing to remarry? I don’t think I would even want to entertain that thought in the beginning of any relationship now, because it is after all, the beginning of a friendship and that will have to take time. A trust needs to be established, a friendship needs to happen, and independence for each person needs to be established and a mutual bond of interests, love, and kindness would have to come into effect first, before I could throw myself out there again and even think of marriage. I think many people today no matter what age they are, still are looking for the same thing, someone to make their life more enjoyable when they come home after work. Although I am sure there are plenty of those, as I have experienced, looking for someone to take care of them and don’t care who they are, as long as they can do the job that mama doesn’t do anymore! And I for one am not that woman and will be leary of that kind of boy for the rest of my life! I do though have hope that a real MAN still exists for me out there. I get the whistles and get asked out by strangers, but I haven’t went yet, because they haven’t taken any time to get to know me. All I hear is, you are a beautiful woman and I want to date you. I don’t even know if I believe that line or not any more. It just doesn’t feel right to me and I don’t trust that easily anymore. Kind of scary jumping in on lines nowadays, so I will wait for a friend first and see how it goes.

  56. Tu says:

    I am 37, a single mom with very cute and lovely daughters one nearly 5 years old and one more than 2 yrs old. Looking for a right / good man here who is serious, love kids and family is so difficult, because i am From Vietnam, people here very traditional and strict …. i am so busy with work and kids and sometimes feel stressed because just me with kids and jobs.

  57. Mary says:

    What negative bull! I am not referring to any one person’s comment but the collective malarkey in these comments. Rise above folks.

  58. Ma. Gia Sana Agustin says:

    I am a registered Nurse in Dubai,52 years old and been receiving indecent proposal from men, a relationship base on sex alone. I turn this down more than once because I don’t believe in sex without love and commitment. I still believe in courtship and friendship as a start of a strong relationship.
    I like to take care of my partner and enjoy life with him.

  59. A major problem with relationships nowadays isn’t a man or woman thing. We’re all way too self-absorbed and concerned with the unholy trinity: Me, myself and I.

    Most of the men I meet don’t take sex seriously. They only want a toy to play with; though many women are just as bad. I take sex so seriously that I won’t share my body with a man unless he is committed to me–in the sacred vows of marriage where we swear to one another to live together till one of us dies. Then we move in together and enjoy the perks (hopefully.) We stick together forever NO MATTER WHAT.

    If he loses his job and declares bankruptcy I’ll face poverty with him and do what I can by working extra hours, helping cut expenses, and supporting him in his search for a new job–without nagging.

    If he develops a chronic illness I will do what I can to alleviate his pain and discomfort–taking on all financial responsibilities and household responsibilities myself if necessary.

    If I find I’m unhappy and the marriage or being a wife is unfulfilling I will stay. I enjoy happiness and fulfillment, but I doubt I’ll find either by breaking a covenant promise and violating my conscience.

    I also will honor and obey my husband–archaic as that sounds. His orders may not always make sense to me, but I can still carry them. In the army a sergeant doesn’t argue with a general, even though I’m sure he may privately wonder what is going on in his head.

    Marriage isn’t about happiness or YOU at all. It’s about the other person, whatever children you may have (divorce is tough on kids regardless of what professors of women’s studies rant) and keeping your promises.

    No wonder so many marriages end in divorce. 🙁

    • Joe says:

      Until you wake up one day and change your mind.

    • 55andstillalive says:

      Hey, Rachel Nichols: The 1950s called. They want their archaic values back. Only problem? There was divorces back in the 50s,too. If think marriage is about being a servant to the man, then you have a warped view of marriage! You are just as important as the husband. If you make him the king, then you are condemning yourself to being a serf or a slave. The man gets bored with that, and that’s when he cheats. Try getting a backbone, lady!

  60. Doe says:

    “but it isn’t because older women can’t find a hubby” – is that even true though? Right around 50 begins the great male migration….to the after life. While any shortfall of single males in their 50s can be filled with men in their 60s and 70s willing to date younger, the same can not be said for women who are 60+. We’re talking almost a 2 to 1 single female to single male ratio, 3 to 1 for 70 year olds, and 4 to 1 for people in their 80s etc. Basic competition theory would suggest men have significant power given these distorted ratios, men can be choosier while women can not, though based on various blogs it seems the 60+ crowd of single women are a picky as ever. Basic math shows that most of these women will have picked themselves a permanently single life whether it is welcomed or not.

    • AmericanAndLonely says:

      Let’s not forget the picky men in their 60s! The men who have the entitlement mentalities. They think it’s their God-given right to have a woman half his age, or he “offshores” his love life by getting a mail order bride i.e. human trafficking! There’s more of them out there than you think! You should see the blogs of the men who trash talk Western women in general, and women in the USA in particular while lavishing praise on the Asian, Colombian, Russian and Ukrainian women! Supposedly these women are superior to us in every way, to hear those guys talk. Seems when it comes to the dating world, the US woman over 50 is at the bottom of the pile….and I blame the mail order bride industry for that!

  61. This Is Why Many Of Us Good Men Are Still Single Today says:

    Well the way that i look at it which unfortunately most of the women of today Aren’t that nice at all since many of them have really Changed for the Worst of all. And when many of us Good men out there will try to start a conversation with a woman that will Attract us which she will Curse at us since i had this happened to me already and a friend that i know had it happened to him a couple of months after me. It is fact that many of these women have very Severe Mental Issues and are Gay as well since they really Hate us men for No Reason at all when we really Didn’t do anything Wrong for us to get Cursed at from the beginning. So finding real love for many of us men is certainly a real Challenge now as you can see which most of us really have No Reason to Blame ourselves at all since it does Take Two Too Tango.

  62. AmericanAndLonely says:

    Whatev. Now get off the computer, get back to the basement before your mother realizes you’re gone and has a chance to change the locks on your house LOL

    • MGTOW says:

      ToAmericanAndLonely, As for the guy that made that comment above you which he is certainly right by the way since this does really happen to us men a lot.

  63. Average Joe says:

    It’s tough to find the right one when you’re over 50. Maybe it’s the baggage on both sides, as no one reaches the half century mark without some of it. I’m 58 and never divorced. My wife died in 2008.

    At 6’1″, I shouldn’t be “too short”. Physically, I can still go downhill skiing and pitch baseballs for exercise. What’s the problem? My career field crashed and burned, so I’m doing blue-collar work. Many women want guys who make the big bucks.

    Earth to middle-aged women who insist on finding the high earners: They can usually get someone younger than you. The odds are stacked against you.

  64. Staying Single says:

    A lot of stupid women on this topic that was written by a woman anyway. It figures.

  65. single n free :) says:

    MEN R MEAN !! No they’re not you say? See what happens when they don’t get what they want when they want! holy shit! Oh they’re sooo sweet in the dating stage… give it time… That’s why your there and I’m here. I guess there’s nothing but asshole men when it comes to dating here of late! No matter how you look at it, we as species will continue to hurt each other until the bitter end. That said, I wish you all well in your pursuit. As for me I shall be just fine and maybe someday my knight in shining armor will appear (LOL)

  66. hal says:

    thx for the posts

  67. John says:

    I’m a 49yo male, been divorced for 5 years. I have two children who lived with me after the divorce (their mom couldn’t be bothered). They are in college out of state now, and are home during breaks and holidays. For years even before my divorce, I was essentially a single parent, working full time and taking care of 90% of the household duties (wife couldn’t be bothered even though she didn’t work).

    I haven’t been on a date since the divorce. Frankly, the idea of pursuing a woman with romantic intentions has no appeal. I have many female friends, but I wouldn’t want to live with any of them. IMHO sex is overrated, and I wouldn’t care if I never did it again.

    I don’t think I’m bitter, but girls and women have been nothing but irritating my entire life. I give and give and give, and get nothing in return. The cost always exceeds the benefit. I don’t need to be in a 50/50 relationship; I’d settle for 30/70. But I get zero. If I could meet a woman who was nice to me, I’d consider marrying her. Even if she had children. Shoot, I’m even up for having another baby at 49. I like family life, but have ALWAYS gotten the short end of the stick.

    So I am not pursuing. These days its dangerous to even look at a woman. Sorry, but you will have to pursue me and convince me you’re a decent person. I must start from the position you are not; sorry but every woman in my life has convinced me that you are all out to take advantage of me. I realize no woman is likely to pursue me and be able to pass my tests. So I’m coming to terms with the fact that I will be alone the rest of my life.

    So don’t judge the single man. We are people too, and I’ll be damned if I let another woman use me again.

  68. Been there already says:

    I’m not even 50 yet and the men my own age have already abandoned women their own age. Online I have to lie and say I’m in my 30s to get a response, when I did a reverse search for my age the only men looking for me were old enough to be my father, its creepy. Oddly enough it’s been the 30 somethings investing all the effort while the 40 somethings are playing passive agressive games dropping “hi” breadcrumbs to keep themselves up the top of my inbox and trying to get me to do all the work. When I have met them their arrogance made them increadibly unattractive and irritating. Part of me thinks they’re bitter and are just looking for someone to take it out on.

    Even the men I’ve met just going out as soon as they find out how old I am many react very badly and are quite nasty, others I see their body language change as they put me into the “I’d F it but I wouldn’t marry it” box, these men are my age, I’ve stopped telling people how old I am now.

    What is it with men, when I was younger no one wanted anything serious because I was divorced with children, by the time I was in my 30s no one wanted a serious relationship then either because I was a promo model and they didn’t like other men looking at me (the exception being creeps who didnt care about me they just wanted a trophy wife or those who wanted “good breeding stock”), now my kids are grown and I have my own business no one wants anything serious because I’m “too old”. It’s always one excuse or another and I’m fed up with the BS. I stopped having sex years ago because frankly they sucked at that too, I don’t get anything out of it. I haven’t had a relationship for 17 years, I have not been able to find anyone my own age who has a good head on his shoulders and is even remotely attractive socially, physically or otherwise by anyones standards.

    I would have been up for having another family with the right man but men were too wrapped up in what they wanted and were frankly control freaks. I had surgery a few years ago and closed that window for good after a run of men who were trying to get me pregnant. Big changes with my kids grown and a new career you’d think now would have been a great time to finally meet someone since I had both the time and the room in my life for a new man but what’s happening instead is the same old crap in a different flavour. I’ve accepted now that men see women as a disposable object of low value, their loss, I’ll be focusing on my business now and men, well they know where they can go.

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