Feed on
Posts
Comments

Sheryl Sandberg, Facebook’s chief operating officer and founder of Lean In, experienced the kind of grief some of us already know and what most married people will likely know — the sudden death of a spouse. Her husband, Dave, died of cardiac arrhythmia while they were on a Mexican vacation in 2015, and Sandburg had to fly home by herself to tell their two children, then 7 and 10, that their father was dead.

While dealing with her own grief  as well as experiencing a “real feeling of isolation” — we have a hard time talking about death and knowing what to say to someone who’s experienced it — she had to help her children with their own, and somehow get through the tragedy together in a way that would make them stronger, more resilient, all the while wondering how she could just get through another day. Now she has co-authored a new book, Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy, to help people move on after grief.

Grief isn’t unique to people experiencing the death of a loved one — it also comes from divorce, often considered the most stressful situation after death; the end of a relationship, romantic or not; an illness or disability; disenfranchisement or abandonment by a loved one, such as a parent; the loss of a job; abuse; growing up with an incarcerated, mentally ill or addicted parent or loved one. In other words, there’s a lot of grief in all of our lives.

So how to give children the tools to weather what’s to come?

Creating resilience

Sandberg says it’s important to let kids know that they matter. All of us want to feel needed and loved. As she writes:

Adolescents who feel that they matter are less likely to suffer from depression, low self-esteem and suicidal thoughts. They’re less likely to lash out at their families and engage in rebellious, illegal and harmful behaviors. Once they reach college, they have better mental health.

So, it’s on their parents to make that happen. Not to say that a parent — or parents — alone can’t do that; many of us do. But some don’t, or don’t do it well. Then what? Do we let those children flounder? Society suffers from children growing up with “rebellious, illegal and harmful behaviors.”

Which is why I believe we need to create a village of people to care for our kids (and each other). Yet we moms ourselves are often guilty in making that village impossible to find, which was the impetus for “Why our kids need others to love them,” an essay I wrote for Motherwell Magazine (you can read the entire essay here). Here’s an excerpt from it:

Sharing our children with others, especially with non-family members, isn’t always easy, according to Cameron Lynne Macdonald, whose book Shadow Mothers: Nannies, Au Pairs, and the Micropolitics of Mothering, explores the often complicated relationship between mothers and caregivers.

“There’s a sense for most women that it hurts, that their first impulse was to always want to be the one their baby sought for comfort. That’s understandable,” Macdonald says.

But what matters, she goes on, is what mothers do with that feeling. There are different responses, she explains. The “it hurts but I’m glad my child has a nanny she loves” reaction; the moms who strategically hire au pairs only on one-year contracts which, by default, makes the mother the central attachment in the child’s life; and then there are the moms who fire the nanny when the child would reach for her first.

That’s a problem, argues University of Sheffield, England, philosophy professor Anca Gheaus, who has published numerous papers on the rights of parents and children. Children deserve to have continuity of care, she says, and shouldn’t be subjected to the whims—and jealousies—of their parents. Parents have no moral right to fire a beloved caretaker, she believes, especially if the child and the baby-sitter have become deeply attached and maintaining a connection would benefit both. Which is why she suggests that some non-parental childcare should be mandatory despite—and perhaps especially because of—parental jealousy.

“I know as a parent that it can be difficult to watch how others become close to your child, especially when their way of doing things is different from yours, and different from what you think is ideal,” Gheaus, the mother of a young son herself, told me in an interview. “This may be especially true for people who came to identify with their parental role above everything—which is still the case with many women.”

But, people can be trained to manage their jealousy, especially if social expectations around childrearing changed.

That would benefit children, who’d have more people to look after them and mentor them, as well as moms, who still typically do the bulk of childcare and pay the price for it, not only in their careers but also in a society that tends to blame mothers for any perceived failings.

So, how would that help someone in Sandberg’s position? For starters, it wouldn’t feel so isolating — for her or her children. One of the worst parts of grief is feeling we are alone in it, that no one else can understand the depth of our suffering. But many of us have our own sorrows that we don’t share with others — perhaps not the death of a spouse, but other tragedies that have nearly destroyed us or changed our worldview.

If she was having an exceptionally hard time, perhaps requiring antidepressants or, worse, was self-medicating, as some grieving people do — her kids wouldn’t have to suffer any more than they already were. Some children, not wanting to burden their grieving parent, might not share their own feelings — they might suffer silently. If a parent were truly consumed with grieving, a child might become like the parent and become his or her caretaker — what’s known as parentification. This is damaging to the child.

A more caring society

A better way to raise resilient children, and thus adults, is to create policies that encourage a more caring society. One way to do that is creating a community-based village of trained, quality and ongoing caregivers-mentors, both men and women — a concept I call carenting.

Sandberg’s a billionaire — she could easily afford to pay for the best help for her family, psychologists and nannies and babysitters, as they grieved, which many of us might not be able to afford. Still, that’s not quite the same as having a truly caring village of people who wouldn’t need to ask, “How can I help?” They’d already know.

We don’t have that kind of a society yet, but that doesn’t mean we can’t start to create our own village now and be part of a village for others. Really, it’s all we have.

Want to learn how to avoid having a “greedy” marriage? (Of course you do!) Read The New I Do: Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists and Rebels (Seal Press); you can order it on Amazon.

 


Tags: , , , , ,

Back when my New I Do co-author and I were doing research for our book and interviewing engaged couples about why they wanted to wed (most were already living together), one groom-to-be mentioned sex among the many reasons.

“You want to marry for sex?” his fiancee asked, somewhat horrified.

He immediately got sheepish as he defended himself: “Well, they asked us to check off all the reasons, so, um, yeah …”

I’m with him; most of do expect sex with some sort of regularity to be among the many perks of tying the knot — or any monogamous romantic relationship for that matter. Unless you have an open relationship or an adulterous one, monogamy typically limits who can sleep with.

But is sex a marital requirement? Does sex really matter all that much?

It clearly does to those spouses who want it and don’t get it, or not enough of it, as so many have written to this blog and The New I Do blog. And marital expert after marital expert, and couples counselor after couples counselor will likely tell you the same thing. According to the National Marriage Project, sexual satisfaction is even more important than kind words and acts in a marriage. When I reported on its findings, I basically agreed: “This is a no-brainer, too.

But, what if sex doesn’t matter?

Intimacy is not the same as sex

For one couple, it actually doesn’t. Married for 25 years, the couple hasn’t had sex for 20 years — and they’re OK with it, or at least that’s what they told the Guardian.

According to the husband, “we’re very cuddly and close to each other and still as interested in each other and do as much together as we ever did.”

Well, OK — who doesn’t appreciate “cuddly” and “close”?

The wife, however, as content as she was with the arrangement, had moments of wondering if she was missing out on something, but not because she believed she was; she was just concerned about what others thought:

It’s quite odd feeling you’re not interested in something that the rest of the human race is mad about, which is why I joined an internet support group for celibate couples. I don’t have to justify our marriage to other people, but it’s almost like I have to justify it to myself. … All sorts of sexual proclivities are accepted now, but being celibate in a relationship is still taboo. It’s only mentioned if illness or some other negative stops it, never as an ordinary way to live. Everyone puts all the details of their sex lives all over the internet now, and I’d love it if a famous couple would say they’re celibate. I still wouldn’t tell the world, but maybe I could stop feeling that our sexless marriage is a shameful secret.”

I feel for both of them. Having a sexual relationship within a romantic partnership may matter for many people — I’m one of them — which is why I am fully empathetic to those whose sexual desires and needs are not being fulfilled in their marriage.

At the same time, there are are couples for whom sex is not all that. They deserve the same feels. They should not have to feel that their marriage is a “shameful secret.”

The Guardian article mentions asexuals — typically “misunderstood as a disorder, when it’s a sexual orientation,” according to Julie Sale, a psychosexual psychotherapist and chair of ethics for the College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists.

Asexuals, according to the Asexuality Network, don’t experience sexual attraction — it’s just who they are. But for people who identify as celibate, it’s a choice — and that matters.

But does that mean their marriage is “less than”?

All the perks, none of the sex

One of the marital models in The New I Do is a companionship marriage, a model I have sometimes struggled to define. It seems to be a catch-all for marriages that don’t fit the “traditional marriage” model: it’s not about having kids, especially for the childfree, or  having kids together, especially for those who have already had all the kids they want. Beyond the child issue, it may or may not be about having sex. It may be a way for people who are friends and seek companionship with shared interests, with sex or not, to be privy to the legal perks and protections of a marriage license.

Which is why marriage is an individual thing — there’s no “wrong” or “right” way to be married as long as the couples themselves are satisfied. And that includes people who are not romantic/sexual partners. Author Jeanette Winterson believes we should expand marriage to include “communities where those who do not wish to marry or form one-to-one unions could live in congenial company, pooling resources and moving beyond both marriage and the binary oppressions of gender.” And, I imagine, with or without the requirement that there be sex.

Sex matters to me; it may or may not matter to you. Regardless, shouldn’t everyone else be free to enjoy their relationships the way they want to?

Want to learn more about companionship marriage? (Of course you do!) Read The New I Do: Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists and Rebels (Seal Press). Order the book on Amazon, follow on Twitter and like on Facebook.

Tags: , , , , ,

A few months ago, singer Janet Jackson made news by becoming a first-time mother at age 50, to a baby boy Eissa. This week, she made news again — she and her husband, Qatari businessman Wissam Al Mana, have separated.

According to Page Six, a family source said Jackson became aware of cultural problems between them after Eissa was born and her husband, a Muslim billionaire, became more controlling, demanding that she tone down the overt sexuality of her performances and music videos, and cover more of her body, among other things.

Still, Page Six says, they hoped having a baby would help.

Oh boy.

They certainly wouldn’t be the first couple to hope that a baby would save a faltering marriage.

Years ago, couples were actually advised by marital counselors to have a baby because it would boost their marital satisfaction. Then, there were studies saying the opposite — that having a kid added stress to a marriage. Hello, marital dissatisfaction. Then research by Philip and Carolyn Cowan indicated that if both partners wanted the pregnancy — and didn’t slide back into traditional gender roles once the baby was born — the initial shock of new parenthood disappeared and their marriage would be back on a happy marital track.

Unfortunately, a lot of couples do slide into gender roles after the birth of a child.

It sure seems like Jackson and Mana both wanted a child, so presumably there was no disagreement there. But the cultural differences, and clearly a more gendered approach to parental roles, was probably the kiss of death to their union.

What could they have done differently?

A different approach

If you’re read this blog for awhile, you know I’m a big fan of having a marital plan or, if you plan on having kids, a parenting prenup or, at the very least, some discussions about the what, when, where, why and how of having and raising a baby. Even if you both are on the same page about having kids, and how many, there’re a lot of other issues that are going to come up; just ask Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie or Jancee Dunn, author of How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids.

So, there’s that.

But, despite the Cowan’s advice, despite the occasional blogger who insists her marriage is better because of a baby, I — a mom of two — just can’t see how a baby can turn a struggling marriage into a better marriage.

Thankfully, I have people who are much smarter and more researched than I to say the same thing.

“For around 30 years, researchers have studied how having children affects a marriage, and the results are conclusive: the relationship between spouses suffers once kids come along,” writes psychology professor Matthew D. Johnson, director of the Marriage and Family Studies Laboratory at Binghamton University in New York.

Having a baby adds incredible stress on a marriage, says Hara Estroff Marano, editor at large of Psychology Today. “People think having a baby is a kind of a cement and it’s generally nothing of the kind. Babies make demands that take time away from each other. Babies take women out of the workforce, away from peers, it isolates them, and completely takes you away from what you’ve been doing.”

Yep, they do.

Rethinking baby

It’s too late for a lot of people, including Janet Jackson. Some might say, well, she waited a long time to have a child, she’s had three marriages and can obviously survive on her own and can afford good nannies (she’s worth about $250 million) so, no worries. Eissa will likely be fine, too, assuming there isn’t a big, bad custody fight (those happen). But, maybe it’s not too late for you.

A baby will probably not make your struggling marriage better. You may, like Jackson, end up with a baby and a divorce, despite your intentions and hopes. True,  a number of women say they’d much rather be a single parent because it’s easier than negotiating a marriage and a kid. Just like I can’t see how a baby can turn a struggling marriage into a better marriage, I can’t see how having a baby on your own is truly easier. Yes, you can make decisions on your own but that’s a teeny, tiny part of being a parent, especially if you have a special needs kid or an illness strikes or you lose your job or — well, I can go on and on. It’s a lot easier if there’s someone else — actually many someones  — who cares about your kid.

Want to learn how to create a parenting prenup? (Of course you do!) Read The New I Do: Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists and Rebels (Seal Press). Order the book on Amazon, follow on Twitter and like on Facebook.


Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

What would you be willing to do to have an affair-proof marriage? Would you go so far as Vice President Mike Pence, whose agreement with his wife, Karen — both evangelical Christians — became public last week? The Washington Post reported, “In 2002, Mike Pence told the Hill that he never eats alone with a woman other than his wife and that he won’t attend events featuring alcohol without her by his side, either.” 

And the world just kind of exploded.

Many people made fun of Pence, some noted how damaging such a policy is to women who may be excluded from important situations and others said, hey, it’s no different than the strict rules of other religious groups, such as fundamentalist Muslims and Orthodox Jews.

But what interests me is what couples do — or don’t do — or believe they should do to affair-proof their marriage.

There are no guarantees

You can’t really guarantee that your spouse will never cheat on you — or you on him or her — as I’ve written before. Still, some couples set up boundaries that they hope will keep each other on the straight and narrow. Even beloved author Ta-Nehisi Coates wrote that he’s:

a dude who believes in guard-rails, as a buddy of mine once put it. I don’t believe in getting “in the moment” and then exercising will-power. I believe in avoiding “the moment.” I believe in being absolutely clear with myself about why I am having a second drink, and why I am not; why I am going to a party, and why I am not. I believe that the battle is lost at Happy Hour, not at the hotel. I am not a “good man.” But I am prepared to be an honorable one.

As a woman whose former husband spent many an hour at the bar, where indeed the battle was lost, I understand what Coates is saying: Stay away from temptation because, as Oscar Wilde so wonderfully said, “The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.” And many do.

Are men are out of control?

Pence’s agreement to avoid temptation — what has been called the “Billy Graham Rule,” after the famous evangelist — only seems to apply to men; Karen and other wives, evidently, can do whatever they please. Which says a lot about how society doesn’t think men can control themselves but women can. Too bad, because women are cheating at about the same rates as men are, according to a recent study.

Beyond that, it’s dangerous to peg men and women so narrowly. As Bustle notes:

At its core, the provision implies that men are beastly creatures bereft of any command over their sexual urges. Such a practice insinuates that a man on his own is a man unchained, and that without his wife’s presence, he is spiritually predisposed to violating the vows he made to her. Because the rule removes responsibility from men in terms of thinking for themselves, it goes on to view women who are not the wives of these men as sources of temptation, not human beings. By adhering to such a concept, the person practicing it is basically viewing other women as potential betrayals to marriage.

Well, we often do view other women as potential betrayals to marriage. Mate poaching is a thing (although men engage in it, too). We’re often suspect of opposite-sex friendships and even “work spouses.” And, let’s face it — for some women, being the Other Woman is empowering; they’re likely to ignore any “guardrails” men have erected and go head-on for them, no matter how honorable men want to be.

Put a ring on it and get civilized

Many conservatives believe men need to be somehow kept in check. Enter marriage. Marriage “civilizes men,” a belief that became popular during the Regan era and that persists today. As Bradford Wilcox, director of the National Marriage Project, states:

Marriage plays an important role in civilizing men. They work harder, longer, more strategically. They spend less time in bars and more time in church, less with friends and more with kin. And they’re happier and healthier.”

Except marriage alone will not prevent anyone from having an affair because, well, Ashley Madison. Enough said.

All that said, could Pence and Coates be on to something for people — well, men — who want to try their darndest to steer clear of temptation? Should they just avoid certain situations that involve members of the opposite sex? People who have alcohol or drug issues or who are in recovery often don’t do well in social situations where booze and drugs are part of the fun. So they stay away. But at least there are options — there are many public and social events that have nothing to so with booze or drugs. Not being in the presence of women alone? That’s a hard one and in many ways rather unhealthy. But if you know that’s your weakness, I suppose that would be one way to attempt to affair-proof your marriage — well, at least your part of it.

And that’s what it comes down to. All those articles by so-called experts on how to affair-proof your marriage pretty much put the onus on women to woman up — plan for sex, go on dates, wear sexy lingerie, communicate better, etc., etc. Yawn. You can do all that and still be cheated on. Because you can’t control your spouse’s behavior, you won’t be able to “affair-proof” your marriage either.

But — and it’s a big but — your spouse can control his own behavior. Really! He may not need to pull a Pence, but the two of you can create your own agreement and what’s OK and what’s not. It’s worth a try.

Want to know how to talk honestly about monogamy with your partner? (Of course you do!) Read The New I Do: Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists and Rebels (Seal Press). Order the book on Amazon, follow on Twitter and like on Facebook.

 


Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner have evidently bounced back from a much-publicized “strained period” during which she almost filed for divorce. Affleck recently finished rehab in hopes of becoming a better father. 

They’re not back together, People reports, but a source described as close to Garner said the actress has backed off from filing for divorce. “She really wants to work things out with Ben,” the source said. “They are giving things another try.”

So are Huma Abedin and Anthony Weiner, who separated this past August after yet another sexting scandal. Abedin is reportedly working to salvage their marriage.

Bad behavior — aka cheating as well as addictive behaviors — is what drove those two wives to consider divorce, a common theme according to many marital therapists. A lot of women cite their husband’s “bad behavior” as a reason to divorce.

But for many couples, the real marital killer is a more common and insidious, quiet but just as deadly, behavior, one Jancee Dunn details in her new book, How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids. And it’s the kind of slow-simmering “low-conflict” that leaves men blindsided when their wife says, Enough!

Angry, resentful and bickering

Dunn and hubby Tom, freelance writers who both work from home, had fallen into a familiar rut: Tom wasn’t doing his share of the house and childcare and Dunn got angry and resentful, bringing them almost to the point of no return. They bickered constantly. Just as bad, their 6-year-old daughter watched it all. So they sought the advice of numerous experts to help them.

But as I read Dunn’s book, I just wanted to scream.

Like many couples, they had what she calls “dreamy conversations” about their baby when they were pregnant; nothing about the day-to-day practicalities were discussed. That’s a major problem and such an easily avoidable one.

OK — even couples who do address some of the important issues about bringing a baby into the mix still find themselves lost when the baby is actually born and suddenly life is in utter turmoil. And as they age and there’s school and activities and birthday parties and childcare issues, it just amps up.

What made me want to scream was Dunn’s language: “train the family to lighten Mom’s load,” “they’re not allowed to come complaining to Mom,” “When he started helping me out.” It’s 2017 — why are women framing things in terms of husbands and kids lightening mom’s load or husbands helping out? The assumption is that it’s the woman’s job. Still.

Yet, I understand it. I didn’t have kids with my first husband, but I was the cook and the house cleaner, even when I was the breadwinner. Why was that OK? It wasn’t, but I was young and stupid. When I married the second time and popped out two boys a few years later, I, too, dealt with that “helping out” thing. But since I worked part time — a plan we agreed to so one of us could be at home with the boys — and he worked full time, it made sense that I would take on more of the child and house chores. But I didn’t take much time to care for myself, and I just felt depleted. And, like Dunn, I didn’t say a peep; I just felt frustrated.

Still ‘Mad at Dad’

This is a familiar scenario, played out in families across the country, sadly even today. As Laurie Penny says in a discussion with Moira Weigel about her book, Labor of Love, “Romantic love can be work, and so can domestic work, childcare, all of it — the fact that we call so much of it ‘love’ makes that work invisible.”

I was hopeful that today’s moms were experiencing more equal marriages when it comes to sharing chores and childcare; I was hopeful we’d moved past the disturbing study Parents magazine reported in 2011, Mad at Dad, with the subhead, “We love our husbands — so why are we so angry at them, so often.”

But if reading the comments on Jezebel’s review of Dunn’s book is any indication then, no, we have not progressed much. As Jezebel author, Kathryn Jezer-Morton, says:

How Not to Hate Your Husband is a book for messy reality, but I can’t shake my frustration that its twin, written for men, isn’t out there somewhere: How to Keep Your Wife From Hating You After Kids. I’m disappointed that on top of doing far more housework and childcare than men, it also falls on women to patiently and strategically negotiate the terms of our liberation. …  men are now more frequently socialized to pay lip-service to household equality. Our culture rewards them for sharing housework and childcare. Yet still we have to ask nicely even when we’ve already asked twice, we have to be strategic in the way we frame our requests so as not to spook them, we have to modulate our tones so as not to seem angry even when we are angry. This is absolutely how reality works in most heterosexual domestic arrangements, and it’s getting fucking old.

Don’t ask, don’t tell

Yes, it is getting old, and it’s ridiculous to talk in terms of “asking.” Why do we women think we have to “ask” for something that is basic maintenance of the house, the kids, the relationships? We shouldn’t have to tell, either. It should something more akin to, “I’ll pick up the dry cleaning and drop the kids off; what’s your plan?”

Which is why I’m a big fan of having a marital plan, or at least a parenting plan. I was surprised and delighted to learn that it’s not a new concept. The debut issue of Ms. magazine, in 1971, included an article on How to Write Your Own Marriage Contract, which featured interviews with two progressive couples. The wives insisted on the contracts to deal with what they saw as marital inequities (and there were many in those days) when it came to chores, cooking and finances and, when kids came along, childcare issues.

I contacted one of the women profiled in the Ms. article not too long ago. I was disappointed when she told me that she didn’t think today’s moms needed contracts anymore.

Because they do. Just ask Dunn.

What same-sex couples can teach heteros

This is, of course, mostly a hetero issue; according to a recent study on how same-sex couples divvy up the child care, it’s more equally shared by about 74 percent of gay couples versus 38 percent of straight couples. They also more equally shared the responsibility of caring for a sick child, 62 percent versus 32 percent for straight couples.

Yes, hetero women deal with some gendered expectations that get internalized. We still are suspect if our homes are dirty or our kids are inappropriately dressed.

Let’s stop that — now. We don’t have to ask a partner to do his share. We don’t have to tell him or nag him. We don’t have to take on more because we are afraid to speak up. And we don’t have to accept shoddy housekeeping either. (And yes, I know there are more men than ever who actually do the bulk of the childcare and household chores; this is not about them.) But we women do have to have the conversation (actually ongoing conversations), agree to compromise on an acceptable level of cleanliness and an acceptable time frame for having things done, kids fed, bathed and etc., and then we just need to … let it go.

No more asking. No more nagging. No more telling. No more frustrations or resentments. Just discussion, agreement, compromise and holding each other accountable.

And men, yes, you do need to be held accountable. You need to be fully aware of the day-to-day minutiae in your home and with your kids, and you can’t assume that your wife will take care of that for you. It’s not your wife’s job to ask you or tell you (unless that’s your spoken — not assumed — agreement). If you don’t understand that, then please don’t get upset when your wife serves you with divorce papers one day. Because she probably will.

Want to learn how to create a marital plan? (Of course you do!) Read The New I Do: Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists and Rebels (Seal Press). Order the book on Amazon, follow on Twitter and like on Facebook.


Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The secret to a happy marriage may mean living apart together in separate master suites, a recent Wall Street Journal article declared.

Not everyone lives in a “4,700 square-foot Tudor home” or wants to, but without a doubt, more people, especially older people (like — *sigh* — me) are interested in having a room — if not a whole apartment or house — of their own. 

Those who are divorced, widowed or never-married who want romantic relationships later in life are “motivated by the desire to remain independent, maintain their own homes, sustain existing family boundaries, protect the relationship and remain financially independent,” a recent study states.

But, as my co-author and I detailed in The New I Do, couples can choose that arrangement from the start of their marriage. Granted, this is a hard concept for many to wrap their heads around. They have questions. So, I have answers to the top three myths people have about live apart together (LAT) relationships, or what my friend Sharon Hyman calls apartners.

Why even get married if you’re going to live apart?

People get married for a lot of reasons, not just love although most of us like to think that’s the main reason — or should be the main reason — to wed. Although love is the No. 1 reason for hetero couples, according to the Pew Research Center, following closely behind are lifelong commitment, companionship, kids, having the relationship be recognized by a religious ceremony, financial stability and, finally, legal rights and benefits (same-sex couples overwhelming cite the legal rights and protections). I don’t see “to live together” as a top reason, do you? OK, in honesty, it’s probably just assumed. At the same time, all the stated reasons for marrying can be achieved while also living apart from your spouse.

What about companionship, you may ask. Well, there are many ways to interpret companionship. Does it mean being around someone 24/7? Does it mean sharing the same space? Can you have companionship while also maintaining a certain amount of freedom?

As Esther Perel has written in Mating in Captivity, love longs for closeness, desire thrives on distance:

Our need for togetherness exists alongside our need for separateness. One does not exist without the other. With too much distance, there can be no connection. But too much merging eradicates the separateness of two distinct individuals. Then there is nothing more to transcend, no bridge to walk on, no one to visit on the other side, no other internal world to enter. When people become fused — when two become one — connection can no longer happen. There is no one to connect with. Thus separateness is a precondition for connection: this is the essential paradox of intimacy and sex.

So, yes, you can have companionship without being smother by the day-to-day realities of living together. Just ask any person whose spouse is deployed overseas or who spends days at a time at the fire station. And, let’s not forget that companionship is available from our non-romantic partners — friends, family, co-workers. They key is finding a happy, healthy balance that works for you as a couple.

Living apart together is only for the wealthy

This is a common perception but misguided one (on a few levels). Let’s assume that when you met your partner, he or she was living alone. So were you. In other words, you both had your own places — so nothing’s changed, right? Even if one or both or you had roommates, you’d still have roommates.

Why continue to have roommates when you can just move in together? Good question. Except your relationship with your roommate is not the same as a relationship with a romantic partner — you’re not sharing the same bed and you don’t have the same expectations from him or her or them. It’s often the heightened expectations from our romantic partners that cause a lot of resentments, frustrations and anger.

Nevertheless, I can hear you say that you’d save money if you moved in together!

That’s most likely true, but there are ways to afford your lifestyle that don’t crimp your freedom in the same way, such as getting a roommate (if you don’t already have one) or Airbnbing your place or a room if you really need the cash. In other words, if saving money is the compelling reason to live together, there are creative ways to work around it.

But the much bigger issue is this — are you only moving in together to save money? Because your financial situation isn’t the best reason to move in together; you should only cohabit if you’re prepared to live with your partner 24/7 and all his or her peccadilloes, and not because you want to save money. If that isn’t what you’re prepared to do then it’s better to continue to live apart and get creative.

People who live apart more likely to cheat

Yes, it’s true: people who live apart from each other cheat. But, guess what — so do people who live together, right? Given the rates of reported infidelity (since it’s self-reported, the percentages are sketchy and clearly not everyone admits to being a cheater), it’s obvious that living together doesn’t prevent anyone from having an affair — ever. But does living apart make it “easier”? It seems like it could; after all, there is a lot more time spent alone, often in separate places, and it would be a lot less complicated to hide any extramarital shenanigans. Plus, people might love the freedom but also get lonely.

As we wrote in The New I Do:

LAT marriages help people cope with the uncertainties that come with romantic relationships. You are basically forced to contend with your insecurities, and for many, that leads to greater introspection and self-awareness. While those choosing a long-distance marriage may not end up having to deal with an affair any more or less than those who live together, they do tend to think about it more. And because of that, addressing monogamy and infidelity may be a more frequent conversation between those couples, which cannot hurt and actually can help. Ultimately, what it comes down to is this: are you marrying or are you married to someone you trust, and is that person worthy of your trust? And, are you offering the same? Because if you can’t trust your partner, whatever living arrangement you have isn’t going to change the situation. It isn’t how you live (together or apart); it’s whom you live with.

In fact, as we note in our research, couples who live apart feel happier in their relationship than couples that live together, and feel more committed and less trapped. But for me, this sentence says it all: “It isn’t how you live (together or apart); it’s whom you live with.”

You can’t raise kids while living apart

Wait — isn’t this a fourth myth when I’ve only promised three? Not really, because this is obviously a much longer discussion, one that could be a blog post on its own — or a book. We address this at length in The New I Do. But as a teaser, divorced people do it all the time — they raise kids together while living apart. So do people in platonic parenting partnerships and, as mentioned above, those with spouses who are deployed overseas or live for days at a time in fire stations. So if you want to be married and have children, don’t think you can’t do it while being a LAT couple. You can; you just have to want it enough to find a way to make it happen.

Want to learn how to live apart together? (Of course you do!) Read The New I Do: Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists and Rebels (Seal Press). Order the book on Amazon, follow on Twitter and like on Facebook.


Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Scarlett Johansson recently declared in a Playboy interview that monogamy wasn’t natural, which may or may not be why she’s divorcing her husband of barely two years, Romain Dauriac. The couple have a child together, 2-year-old Rose, and according to news reports, it appears as if they are heading toward a nasty custody battle.

None of this is new or unusual — haven’t we seen that with Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt and their six children, and Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry and their daughter? But what makes this a bit different is that while Pitt and Aubry were both hands-on, equal partner working dads, Dauriac gave up his career as a magazine editor and manager of a creative agency to stay at home with Rose in his native France.

Financial and career risks

In other words, Dauriac did what many women have traditionally done, and often still do — or are expected to do: give up their careers to care for their kids. That often comes with some real financial and career risks, especially if the couple then divorces, but often divorced moms end up with full or partial physical custody of their children.

Now, more men are doing what Dauriac has done, and what is unknown is whether the courts will see him as the primary caregiver; even though it seems pretty apparent, who knows? Johansson is asking for residential custody of Rose, but because Dauriac lives in France (she’s been splitting her time between France and L.A.), well, let’s just say it’s complicated.

But is Dauriac’s story a cautionary tale for would-be stay-at-home dads? The Telegraph’s Martin Daubney

Now, it will all be about lawyers proving who was Rose’s “primary caregiver.” This standard tries to determine which parent has been responsible for meeting most of the child’s daily needs, such as feeding, bathing, playing, waking and putting to bed, making doctor appointments, arranging for child care, and so on. Faced with a raft of skilled lawyers propelled by an endless torrent of money, for Dauriac the outlook is stormy. … In an age when equality is expected, and even demanded of dads, it’s a tragic footnote that the family courts seem stacked against them.

And, as he mentions, the majority of divorces are filed by women.

Is he wrong?

The complications of being a stay-at-home dad

Dads have historically been hurt by the legal system when it comes to custody. This is troublesome to me. But is that what’s really preventing men from becoming stay-at-home dads, as Daubney suggests?

Hmm …

It’s true that more men are at home caring for the kids than ever before — there are about 2 million stay-at-home dads — but, and this is a big but, the largest number of stay-at-home fathers, 35 percent, are at home because of illness or disability, according to the Pew Research Center, not by choice, versus 73 percent of stay-at-home mothers, who either are choosing to be at home (presumably with the blessing of their partner) or who have had to opt out for any number of reasons (the cost of child care perhaps).

Not too long ago, a Gallup poll indicated a huge proportion of men — 76 percent — would chose to work out of the home than “stay at home and take care of the house and family” while just 51 percent of women said the same.

So it’s not as if there’s a huge amount of men clamoring to be stay-at-home dads. At the same time, the majority of women (well, 56 percent) say they would rather be at home — although their reasons may be less about the blissfulness of being at home than the realities of the juggle and struggle working women face. If we didn’t make less and have to deal with sexism and etc., maybe that would be a different reality. But then again, men who stay at home often face their own stigma.

Fear of getting screwed

Which gets me back to my original question — is the fear of being screwed by custody courts why

Want to learn how to create an equitable marital plan? (Of course you do!) Read The New I Do: Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists and Rebels (Seal Press). Order the book on Amazon, follow us on Twitter and like us on Facebook.

 


Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

We’re approaching the time of year when high school seniors start getting acceptance letters from colleges and universities, a nerve-wracking time for sure.

But increasingly, seniors are taking a year off before starting high school, known as a gap year — most famously of late Malia Obama. Research has shown that teens who take a gap year benefit from having a fresh perspective and an energized focus on their education when they start college.

But which should kids have all the fun? Which is why I suggest that as the kids leave the nest, whether for college or a gap year, their parents should take a marital gap year, too.

Huh?

Challenges of the ‘second half of marriage’

While some couples enjoy their empty nest as a time to travel and reconnect as a couple without the distraction of raising children, the reality is many long-married couples fall apart, finding themselves strangers with nothing to say to each other and years of built-up resentments.

It’s hard for some to navigate what authors David and Claudia Arp call “the second half of marriage” — the years that come post-kids — as evidenced by the divorce rate among baby boomers, which has jumped by more than 50 percent over the past 20 years. They’ve raised their kids, their job is done. They’re still “Mom” or “Dad,” but that role is no longer the dominant one. Who are they now?

“People think that when spouses grow apart, it’s because there is some big conflict or major divide. That’s not necessarily true,” according to Eli Karam, assistant professor at the University of Louisville’s marriage and family therapy program. They withdraw, he says.

So, couples can either divorce … or they can take a gap year off from their marriage to have a fresh perspective and new energy that they can put toward their union. But you can’t wait until the kids leave to talk about this and plan for it.

Karam suggests that couples create a long-term strategic plan, what we call in The New I Do a marital plan, one that couples would tweak as their life changes — like when the last kid moves out. They should ask themselves what they want their marriage to be like once the kids are gone, would they move or downsize, what types of experiences would they want to share — or not, he says.

Tweaking the marital model

And perhaps how much they’d like to shake up things — like Lise and Emil Stoessel. By the time their youngest went off to college, after 20-plus years of marriage, the couple were barely talking to each other. They could have divorced, but instead they decided to become a live apart together couple, or apartners. It saved their marriage, they say, and Lise wrote a book, Living Happily Ever After, Separately, to help other couples consider LAT as an option.

Becoming a LAT is just one of many options. Some might want to open up their marriage, others may want to travel separately or study or work abroad, or — well, the possibilities are endless.

Of course, the Stoessels made their arrangement permanent — they didn’t just take a year off. If they had planned for their life post-kids, perhaps a gap year would have been enough.

In The Marriage Sabbatical: The Journey That Brings You Home, author Cheryl Jarvis details the stories of 55 women who took time off their marriage — about three months — including herself. The empty nest often hits women hardest because they’re typically the main caretaker. It’s not just a gal thing, though — men need a break, too.

But, you may be asking, won’t that just make couples feel even more disconnected? Shouldn’t couples be taking that time to work on their marriage and do things together? Sure, maybe, if that’s what they both want. Except one person might be ready to retire and the other isn’t, or both are ready to retire but want different things from retirement, or — as is often the case — by that time, the marriage is beyond the point of re-creating, and they’ll either stay together, miserably, or divorce.

Sometimes, it takes doing something bold and perhaps scary to get out of the marital rut.

A gap year is actually a great way to work on a marriage because each person would have time to do some critical self care and growth and, just like gap-year kids, might be re-energized, and have a new perspective and perhaps even a new appreciation for their marriage. After 15, 20, 25 years of marriage, that just might be what helps a couple make it “until death” — happily.

Want to learn how to re-create your marriage? (Of course you do!) Read The New I Do: Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists and Rebels (Seal Press). Order the book on Amazon, follow us on Twitter and like us on Facebook.


 

 

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Gals, how are your orgasms? Maybe the better question is, are you having any?

Women are experiencing an orgasm gap, evidently. Well, not all women — just hetero women. They’re behind every other group who’s happily getting off, including lesbians, bisexual men and women, hetero men and gay men, according to a new study.

Hetero men were most likely to say they usually or always orgasm during sex (95 percent), followed by gay men (89 percent), bisexual men (88 percent), lesbians (86 percent), bisexual women (66 percent) and, finally, heterosexual women (65 percent).

This is depressing news.

So, which women are having  frequent orgasms? The ones who get lots of oral sex (OK, well, duh), have longer sex (ditto), are in a satisfying relationship, ask for what they want in bed, praise their partner when he or she does something amazing, flirt with their partner, wear sexy lingerie, are open to new sexual positions and anal stimulation, act out fantasies, talk sexy and express love during sex.

They also kiss deeply and are manually or orally stimulated — ideally both — in addition to vaginal sex.

None of this comes as a surprise. And, this isn’t the first study to uncover the orgasm gap. But, still — why the gap?

A matter of control

Granted, some of it’s out of our control. If our partner doesn’t have the stamina to give us a good half hour or so, we gals lose out. And a satisfying relationship takes more than one person.

But a lot of it is actually in our control. Wearing sexy lingerie? No problem. Teasing and flirting with our partner, acting out fantasies, talking sexy and being open to new things? Why not? Asking for what we want?

Well …

And that’s where I think it comes to a grinding halt. For whatever reason, hetero women have a hard time asking for what they want — and not just when it comes to sex. They have a harder time expressing their needs and wants when it comes to divvying up chores and child care duties, too.

And who ends up suffering because they don’t speak up? You don’t need me to help you figure that one out.

Asking for what we want

So, why don’t we (I’m a hetero woman, thus the “we”) speak up? Is it our fault?

Yes and no. Yes, women can and should speak up. Yet as economics professor Linda Babcock and author Sara Laschever note:

The evidence is overwhelming that this a problem for which our entire society is to blame — that it is a socially constructed problem rather than something innate to females or just a blind spot women don’t recognize. As a society, we teach women that it is not appropriate or “feminine” for them to focus on what they want, assert their own ambitions, and pursue their self-interest — and we don’t like it when they do. From the time they’re very young, girls are taught to focus on the needs of others rather than on their own. The messages girls receive — from their parents and teachers, from the books they’re given, from the movies and television shows they watch, and from the behavior of the adults around them — can be so powerful that as women they may not even understand that their reluctance to ask for what they want is a learned behavior, and one that can be unlearned. They often don’t realize that they can ask for something they want, that asking is even possible.

Beyond that, many women have a complicated relationship with their body: “Many women are dissatisfied with their appearance and weight, are less satisfied with their appearance than men and are more likely than men to be self-conscious about their bodies during sex. Body dissatisfaction interferes with ability to orgasm,” the study indicates. We’re even unhappy with the way our genitals look. (OK, granted, many men stress about the size of their dick, so there’s that.)

Those bad messages mess things up for us, which is why bi women miss out on orgasms, too; they internalize negative societal stereotypes.

Our lovers can’t solve that for us, although we can believe them when they tell us how  much they love us just the way we are (assuming they aren’t turned off by our body).

And neither can Addyi, the “female Viagra.” But knowing what turns you on and how to express it to your partner works wonders, says psychologist Antonia Hall, author of The Ultimate Guide to a Multi-Orgasmic Life.

Turn ons and turn offs

First, we need to know what turns us on. This involves some curiosity and exploration. There’s no downside to this. Learning to speak up for what we want? That takes practice but it’s so doable once you know how to start.

As far as I know, the study doesn’t address monogamy. As I’ve written before, there’s really nothing about monogamy that works for women sexually (although it’s nice to have a partner around to help raise the kids, which is less about sex than about being a parent). We need novelty, and if we don’t have it, well … Which is why we are cheating about as much as men are.

But having an affair doesn’t guarantee more or better orgasms, and that’s really what we want.

There’s a lot going on in the world right now that’s hard, which means we could all use some good self care. I can’t think of more loving thing to give ourselves this year than orgasms — lots of them. Speak up and make them yours!

Want to learn how to talk about monogamy? (Of course you do!) Read The New I Do: Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists and Rebels (Seal Press). Order the book on Amazon, follow us on Twitter and like us on Facebook.


Tags: , , , , ,

I’ll admit it — I was not happy that Donald Trump became our 45th president. Give him a chance, many said, and I was willing to do that. But as he began surrounding himself with racists and bigots, and as one dangerous nominee after another was confirmed and one important program after another was dismantled, it’s became harder and harder. 

Every day since he took office, I have awakened to a “what fresh hell is this?” and it’s making me anxious and depressed. Oddly, there is something about Trump’s language and actions that feel all too familiar — he lies, and then tries to convince us that he’s telling the truth and everyone else has it wrong, aka #alternative facts and “fake news.” Lately, he’s even begun calling respected news outlets such as the New York Times and CNN “enemies of the people.” As a 30-plus year journalist, that is absolutely not true.

Still, his behavior reminds me of what it’s like to live with a cheating spouse.

It isn’t pretty.

I might have been oblivious to my former husband’s former affair if it weren’t for what might have been an innocent comment made by a mutual friend — that he heard he’d been hanging around so-and-so bar. There was a quick denial, but the look on my then-husband’s face and his reaction made me think, “Hmmm.”

I started looking into things — phone bills, credit card statements, emails, etc.

Deny, deny, deny

But even when I found things that seemed suspect and asked him about them, he denied everything and turned it back on me — I was being paranoid, suspicious, distrusting. When I found even more incriminating proof, he just amped up the denials and blaming. Soon, I began to question my own thoughts; was I making this up? Was I overreacting? My gut kept telling me no, even if he kept telling me I was.

Long story short, he’d been having a long-term affair with the bartender. Even when I finally had undeniable proof, he kept up the charade until I demanded we go to counseling.

I actually was willing to work on the marriage, mostly because our kids were still young, 9 and 12. But ultimately, through counseling together and separately, I realized he has trouble with the truth.

And so does Trump.

Trouble with the truth

Many people, including me, believe Trump is lying about many things, including his ties to Russia, but let’s just look at a few lies we know to be lies. In his embarrassing press conference last week, he insisted he became president with the largest Electoral College win since Ronald Reagan. When a reporter called him out as being incorrect, he said, “I was given that information.” But it’s wrong information — a quick Google search is all you need — and to continue to repeat bad information is lying.

Then there’s was the leaks-are-real-reporting-about-them-is-fake thing. It’s impossible for both of these to be true. It’s like a cheating spouse who is caught cheating but tells you that you are wrong to know what you know.

Huh?

Then there’s constant calling out of the media as fake news. We all know that, yes, there’s been a lot of real fake news recently; thankfully, it didn’t influence the election. But to call the New York Times, CNN, CBS, NBC “and many more” fake news is a lie. Again, it’s just like when a cheating spouse puts the blame on his or her spouse; It’s not me, it’s you! And the more the cheater keeps repeating the lie and defending himself, the more the other person begins to doubt herself. It’s crazy-making. This is called gaslighting, a term psychologists use “to describe the use of deflection and distraction and blame by one person to hide some truth, or to benefit in some way, at the cost of another.”

Which is why Trump’s talk feels so familiar to me.

So if you’ve never experienced adultery, now you have a glimpse of what it feels like. If you have, well, I’m sorry; welcome to the club. Except, it’s easy to know what a cheating partner wants — to continue have sex or whatever with the affair partner. Thus, he or she will continue to lie and manipulate to keep the affair going. We really don’t know what Trump actually wants to do as he lies to us, what his motivations are. It’s easy to imagine the worst while hoping for the best. But I’m listening to my gut — as I did with my former hubby’s affair — and honestly, I just don’t think it’s going to be good for us. Plus, I was able to see the bills and receipts that left a paper trail of deception; this is why it’s so important to see Trump’s taxes.

How can we continue to trust someone who continually lies to us and never apologizes — or even acknowledges a mistake, let alone works to correct it or build trust? I don’t know about you, but I long ago made a vow to myself — no more liars in my life.

Cheating = abuse?

Some people call cheating abuse; I do not. A one-night stand is not abuse. It isn’t the affair per se that’s the problem — it’s what happens after the affair is discovered, if it ever is. But the gaslighting, lying and manipulation that come with the discovery of serial cheating is most definitely a type of emotional abuse and highly destructive. Still, for those who believe all infidelity is abuse, I would guess they’d say Trump right now is abusing Americans.

Many people, including therapists, advise people to walk away from serial cheaters and liars. But, as Esther Perel notes, there are many ways spouses can betray each other beyond just affairs — denying sex, being neglectful, indifferent, contemptuous, asexual, demeaning and insulting — all of which can be is as damaging, and sometimes more, as physical abuse.

We have a president who is lying to us, for reasons unknown (to us, anyway), as well as being contemptuous, demeaning and insulting. Is this a partner we can truly trust? Is this a partner who is bringing out the best in us?

Want to learn how to talk about monogamy? (Of course you do!) Read The New I Do: Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists and Rebels (Seal Press). Order the book on Amazon, follow us on Twitter and like us on Facebook.

Tags: , ,

Older Posts »