Feed on
Posts
Comments

The Good Men Project recently pondered, what’s a man without money?

That’s a good question.  Would you date a broke man?

I’ve never been one to focus on money — my own or someone else’s — or see it as a path to happiness. Now that I’m at midlife, however, and helping to get two kids through college, hoping to retire one day, and dealing with the never-ending costs of living (my broken clavicle cost me a lot of money, despite my health insurance, and my car appears to have an electrical problem, no doubt a pricey problem, that I need to deal with ASAP), I think about money a wee bit more. I still don’t equate it to whether I am happy or not (and never will), although I acknowledge money certainly makes things easier.

I never made a lot of money in my career — newspaper journalism — but that didn’t stop men from dating me, or two men from marrying me. I am fortunate to have a wonderful longtime partner (who, as an educator, knows all about small salaries), but I sometimes wonder what would happen if I lost my job and was looking for love — would I be marriage material (assuming I even wanted to marry again, that is, which I don’t), or even dateable?

Let’s forget my age for now (and maybe longer!); by virtue of my gender alone, yes — I would probably be viable relationship material. But if I were an unemployed man — regardless of age — would the same rules apply? Probably not (although I imagine a certain amount of women would eagerly entangle themselves if he was hot; yes, we gals can be incredibly shallow, too).

Unemployed, under-employed and low-income men are just not good dating or marriage material in the eyes of many women.

That’s why the pro-marriage people have it all wrong when they say marriage will get low-income women out of poverty. While studies have shown that low-income women value marriage and have more traditional views about marriage and divorce than others, they don’t want to get hitched to a man who is going to drag them down. A man who isn’t contributing financially is a handicap, as one young single mother says in Promises I Can Keep: Why Poor Women Put Motherhood Before Marriage: “What was his purpose? I started thinking, ‘I don’t need him.’ He was just like an extra burden. It was actually easier without him.”

I’m sure I’m not the only girl growing up whose mother told her that it’s just as easy to love a rich guy as it is to love a poor one. A few years ago, the book Smart Girls Marry Money: How Women Have Been Duped into the Romantic Dream — and How They’re Paying for It advised women to do just that.

I’m not sure many — any — boys get the same message, and even in this presumably enlightened age, I just can’t see a parent encouraging a son to “marry up.”

Earlier this summer, a study (OK, funded by a credit report agency so I take it with a grain of salt) indicated financial responsibility and financial compatibility was more important or just as important as career ambition, physical attraction and sex and intimacy, especially for women.

It never even occurred to me to worry about such things (I’ve never discussed credit ratings with a partner), but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t have paid it some attention when it seemed like things were getting serious.

A recent study seems to indicate that we are stuck in a time warp when it comes to gender and moneywe can’t get past the idea that a husband should make more money than his wife, and that is impacting whom we marry, how much a wife works, and even if a couple stays married. Among the interesting questions posed:

What happens when a man marries a woman who has the education and skills to earn more than him? The couple can avoid violating the “man earns more” social norm if the woman works part time or leaves the labor force altogether. The authors found evidence of both choices. But what if the woman stays in the labor force and does earn more than her spouse? How does this affect the marriage? The findings here are striking. In such couples, surveys show, both wife and husband generally report being less happy about the marriage.

So, here’s how it appears to work:

Unemployed, under-employed and low-paid women are still datable and marriage material, while guys are not. Meanwhile, highly paid women are dateable and marriage material, as long as they don’t make more than their husbands.

If that isn’t proof about how far we haven’t come as a society, I don’t know what is.

  • Would you marry a woman who made more money than you?
  • Would you marry a man who made less money than you?
  • Would you date someone (presumably temporarily) unemployed?
  • Does it make a difference if a man doesn’t make a lot by virtue of his profession (artist, musician, teacher, etc.) or because he has low ambition?

Photo © Sean Arenas/Fotolia.com

7 Responses to “He’s broke, you’re not — do you date him?”

  1. K.B. says:

    I totally agree with this article that broke men are way less likely to be in a relationship than are broke / low income women. I think it depends on what the debt is. For example, my ex-husband is 50k in debt. His debt is IRS (nearly 20k), a Cadillac at $400 / mo which he can’t afford, and odds and ends credit cards. That type of debt is NOT good and I would avoid him like the plague. It is NOT the reason WE divorced however. But … if you presented him to me with that debt in the early stages of dating …. I would not view him as marriage material. His income does NOT support that load and it also shows extreme carelessness.

    Now, take my debt as a public servant. I have one 5k credit card and an 80k student loan. BUT …. my credit card will be paid off in a year and my student loan paid off in 10 years because I’m on the loan forgiveness program (they removed 18 years). And .. my student loan at 80k is $400 / mo. – which I’m perfectly capable of paying on my public servant salary. And my student loan monthly payment is 1/3 of that of my ex-husband.

    So I have a higher debt load but the monthly payment is way lower AND it doesn’t involve the IRS and careless car purchases. When he told me wanted a divorce to pursue other women …. I just smiled and said, “Sure …. go for it!” He was dumb enough to do it.

    • OMGchronicles
      Twitter: OMGchronicles
      says:

      That’s a lot of debt, K.B. Did he have that before you married him, or was that a discovery after-the-fact?
      I never asked any former partner or husband about his debt. I absolutely would do that now — however — if he was making good decisions and paying it down, it wouldn’t be a deal-breaker. I’d just get a prenup ;-)

  2. John says:

    I am a low paid male and looking at all these websites has confirmed my worst fears! I did not realise or understand the importance of a good education and job until to late and after my last girlfriend dumpingrme because of money issues I am close to giving up all together. Although she would never admit she left me because of money I know it was a huge factor, which is sad because she had her own house etc and I could of supported us on this low income as she earnt a very good amount of money. So this is it 30 single like normal and unable to get better work due to education mainly. I had one love but sjEd fast realised and I guess my replacement pointed out how little I earnt and now women over thd net dont wang to mnow men like myself. I care for thr elderly by the way and I wish I was dead, thanks for showing all men in my position we are better off dead no matter how loving we are.

  3. Batman says:

    That’s women for you.

  4. MerAlene says:

    John,
    No one every said you’re better off dead. Get off your butt and get and education, so you may write/spell more clearly and potentially earn a better living. I worked full time and when to school full time simultaneously to finish my degree. Plenty of financial aid programs out there.

  5. Ms Kat says:

    *HUGE sigh of relief….and here I was, thinking maybe it was just me, that I was being too picky, that my standards were perhaps too high. I’m soooo glad I’m not alone!!!
    I’m 32, single, no kids and never been married (yet ;) ) and I just purchased my first home in February. The guy I’ve been seeing for just over a month is younger, 26, has a car, has an apt. We met online, of course. He told me he was a manager at a fast food restaurant. So I thought, ok he’s a MANAGER, has to make at least as much as I do, right? Nope.
    He messaged me tonight and said he wanted to come see my but didn’t have the gas………
    I knew I should have run for the hills when I had to pay the bill on our first date, but I wanted to give the guy a chance; and no, he’s not doing anything to try to improve his situation. It is very discouraging to a nice young lady such as myself that is seeking marriage and family but can’t seem to find any financially responsible and financially independent men out there. I would have to agree with the article above and say that is is a very important factor to me..I mean, I can manage my money, my man should be able to manage his as well.

    • OMGchronicles
      Twitter: OMGchronicles
      says:

      Thanks for commenting Ms. Kat. It isn’t that you’re too picky or that your guy is irresponsible. To make a relationship work, the couple needs to have the some financial values. If you don’t have that, the relationship will not work even if he’s a millionaire. Wishing you the best.

Leave a Reply