The big news recently has been the birth of a son to Prince William and Kate Middleton. Like most new parents, they most likely let out a sigh of relief when baby George Alexander Louis popped out with 10 fingers, 10 toes and a healthy cry. By George, he’s “normal”!
But as many parents know, things don’t always go according to plan. Having a baby is what Forrest Gump’s momma said about life; just like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get. Autism, Asperger’s, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, cerebral palsy, Down syndrome, bipolar disorder, cancer — there are any number of things that can challenge a parent’s idea of what raising a child will be like. 
That became clear at a recent gals night, where a dozen or so of us gathered to celebrate birthdays and catch up. As our “babies” have grown, we’ve been faced with a number of challenges — OCD, bipolar, chronic anxiety, homosexuality, dwarfism, brain injury, addictions among them.
It wasn’t what we were expecting. We expected “normal,” too, but we ended up with equivalent of the chocolate with the nougat center, which we never liked. Yet, we love and accept our kids, and have learned how to adjust our expectations. While we imagined the typical trajectory — “ace college, land a great job, find a great husband/wife” — we now are accepting (and sometimes still struggling with) the new reality and celebrating different accomplishments; The child with chronic anxiety got on an airplane alone!
That doesn’t mean we have lowered our expectations; it just means we have switched up our expectations of parenting, and how our children will live. We measure “success” on different terms.
So why is adjusting our expectations of marriage so much harder?
Well, before we get to that, what, exactly, do we expect from marriage?
Many expect marriage will last a lifetime even though about half end in divorce. Some expect there will be infidelity, even newlyweds. Others expect marriage will complete us and meet all our needs. We expect our partner to be our soul mate. And, we believe love is the main reason to marry, although love has made marriage a wobbly institution.
Maybe it’s time to change our expectations of marriage. Maybe couples need to adjust their expectations to our new realities — that marriages don’t always last a lifetime (and that’s OK), that love isn’t the best reason to say “I do,” that monogamy shouldn’t be assumed — just as a parent of a child with bipolar or OCD must adjust his or her expectations, and find new ways to measure “success.”
That, of course, is what Susan Pease Gadoua and I are talking about in The New I Do: Reshaping Marriage for Cynics, Commitaphobes and Connubial DIYers (which has a publisher, Seal Press, and will be out in the fall of 2014!)
So, instead of worrying about how few of us are marrying or how much later (which seems to be in the news every other day), we should we focusing on helping those who choose to marry (it ain’t for everyone, folks!) marry smarter so those marriages will be happier, healthier and more fulfilling according to their expectations.
What do you think?
Photo © Matteo Patrignanelli/Fotolia.com
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Perhaps it’s not so much our expectations of marriage, but the expectations we place on our partners.
Expectations are…boring.
That dashing mysterious lover lurks in the dark for a reason — we don’t know what she’ll do but that’s part of the fun!
And it doesn’t have to be amatory.
Art and love want for creativity which ties closely with surprise. (On another note, lust is very opposite, it is short term and can survive in an expected environment. Love cannot.)
Whether it’s the fiction writer tying in a cliff hanger at the end of every chapter, derailing the reader’s plan to stop for the night five chapters ago, or the comedian on stage who knows that he must surprise his audience at least 180 times…keep the surprises coming.
You know, some people look at their marriage as if it were a book, page after page. Others, well… they see their marriage as a joke.
Either way… No one’s sticking around when the fun is gone.
So what’s my point?
Oh I don’t know. Maybe instead of thinking how we can change our expectations, let’s think on how we can eliminate them.
I guess for brevity’s sake, I suppose I could just say “Let’s not forget to stop and smell the roses.”
But what’s the fun in that?
Twitter: OMGchronicles
says:
I’m not sure we could have absolutely no expectations, unless we all suddenly become Buddhists. Living with a cliff-hanger every day (as many do with people who are alcoholics or bipolar) is exhausting! I do agree that a certain amount of spontaneity is needed, as well as space apart so each can have alone time. And, yes, not forgetting to smell the roses, which for me means appreciating your partner much more than feeling disappointed in him/her. Thanks for writing in.