There’s been a lot of discussion about “sexless” marriages, many focusing on how to define “sexless. Honestly, I don’t want to have to turn to a so-called “expert” or another couples’ definition of sexless — I want to determine if my relationship is sexless based on whether my sexual needs, and those of my partner, are being met. And, for anyone who has watched Woody Allen’s classic Annie Hall, even couples themselves have radically different definitions of what’s “too much” or “not enough” sex. 
Enter the discussion that’s going on over at The New I Do website. The post dates back to 2014, but regardless — the recent comments indicate a certain percentage of wives and husbands are not getting their sexual needs met, even though in many other ways their marriage is comfortable and their husband or wife (and, despite the stereotypes, their are more wives complaining about disinterested husbands than vice-versa) is “wonderful” or a “great father/mother.”
As I’ve written before, there are many ways spouses can betray each other beyond just affairs or denying the other sex — being “neglectful, indifferent, contemptuous, asexual, demeaning, insulting, as Esther Perel says — often is as — and sometimes more — damaging as physical abuse. In my poll, people overwhelming thought those behaviors were just as much of a betrayal as infidelity
Still, tell people that you sexual needs aren’t being met, and you’ll no likely hear about how you only “need” sex X times a week or month to be “normal,” or that you should focus on the other great qualities your hubby or wife has. Great, but it’s little consolation for those who are literally starved for sexual contact.
Just listen to the comments. From Katrina:
We have not had successful sex in 19 years. He has no interest in rectifying his problem. Wonderful man in all other ways, but I am very depressed over this.
From Joy:
To me, it’s not merely the act of sex. What I’m missing is being desired, having the intimacy and spontaneity that we had before. Breathing each other’s air, cuddling up, caressing faces, shoulders, derrieres, all of it. Secret looks, anticipation. Where did it go and do I have to go the rest of my life without it? This is not the relationship that I was “promised” when I bought the idea that we would be lifelong partners. I am in no way interested now in him. It is, in fact, a betrayal.
From Lisa:
it is so hard to go without any physical connection. I feel cheated and misled. I didn’t sign up for this and don’t know what to do. I get where I am very angry with him and don’t want to even be near him. It helps to know I am not alone.
From Sally Jones:
Doctors often ask if one is “experiencing a lot of stress”. For me, living in a sexless marriage is very stressful. Is that a normal reaction?
From Lonely Wife:
I live in a sexless marriage where my husband thinks it’s ok to brush over this because he loves me and we’re otherwise happy. Well I’m not. I don’t want to leave him because I love my kids, I have nowhere to go, I gave up my career for his etc. I cannot stand being trapped here for 20 years wasting my life away with a friend when I want a lover too. I feel so disgusted in myself and hate myself so much. I used to feel attractive but not I just feel worthless.
And from the guys, including Bern:
It’s been three and a half months since we have been together and I’m starting to consider other alternatives. This isn’t what I signed on for, but the phrase for better or worse still means something to me. If we can’t improve things I’m afraid I’ll be someone who will cheat, and that isn’t who I want to be.
From Bwood:
My wife, who is 7 year older than I and I love deeply, has fallen into a not uncommon phase where she has no desire for sex. She attests to find me attractive still, but she just doesn’t feel the desire for sex anymore. Waxing a little selfish, this leaves me in the lurch as a healthy 40 year old male who loves his wife, finds her completely desirable and desperately wants to consumate that love… Two wrongs don’t make a right, but the hole created lends to such other problems as blocks in communciation, unconscious distancing, wandering eye syndrome and the desire for the intimate touch even if it’s from another person/lover. It’s a terrible place in an otherwise very happy marriage.
And, finally, from Sam:
My wife tells me she cant decide if she wants to be in the marriage anymore. And she has no energy for sex. We have kids. She has asked me to be patient with her, but its two years now. I really want my marriage to work, but I am feeling frustrated and confused. Some woman do not understand how damaging withholding sex in a marriage can be.
Actually, Sam, I think many men and women realize just how damaging withholding sex can be, if they’re the ones who are victims to the withholding.
So some of those commenting said they felt justified in cheating. But while that solves their problem temporarily, it creates its own new problems.
If medical issues have been ruled out and your spouse won’t make any effort to help bring desire and sex back into the marriage when you lovingly and honestly express your needs, well, that’s telling you a lot.
There’s no easy answer for the unhappy and sexless masses if they don’t want to divorce except to turn their marriage into a parenting marriage, if there are young kids at home, or an open or monogamish marriage.
What do you think?
Interested in creating a specific kind of marriage? Read The New I Do: Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists and Rebels (Seal Press). Order the book on Amazon, follow us on Twitter and like us on Facebook.
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For the last 10 years, of our 27-year marriage, sex was twice a year. My birthday and our anniversary. As often as not, she would “not be in the mood” that day and we would go another half a year before it would come up for consideration. Even worse was the complete lack of touching and affection. I touched her, begged her for sex –all to no avail.
She was in psychotherapy all those years, and I always held out hope for improvement. But it never came.
SO I suffered and then divorced. My only regret is not divorcing sooner.
when we got together in year 2000 i knew then she had 2 other guys on the go. Both of them were married & loved their wife’s. i also was married but soon left my wife for her. We moved in together and she dropped the other 2 guys. but 1 of then she (thought had feelings for) kept in touch, i didn’t know this,till i came from work 1 Saturday morning and she told me she had an affair with him. After lots of anger and name calling i calmed down and we agreed to put it behind us.But instead of doing just that she stopped having sex with me. which causes even still today problems. some times i wish i just walked away instead of staying and landed up marrying her. my big regret is just that I should not have married her.Now i’m stuck with the bitch.
It think that to be married and to make your spouse suffer with sex only twice a year is cruel and unusual punishment. Of they especially women didn’t have a traumatic sexual encounter as a child or even an adult, I think that there is no excuses why they can’t be intimate with their pun spouse.
I too was married and left my husband for another. At first it was wonderful….. But like everything… Sex isn’t important to him.
I crave attention, but he’s just has a million excuses, not in the mood, tired, back ache, …blaa blaa blaa.
Weeks, months…. I’m so lonely. And when I mention I really miss our intemantcy he makes more excuses.
As I write this I’m sitting in the bedroom alone, crying….this is so depressing. I’m still young, pretty , and I’m patiently waiting for him to pull his head out of his ass. I just don’t know what to do anymore.
If I’m honest about my feelings….well then he feels bad… But things go back to this in no time. Yet he sits outside smoking and listening to music for hours…. I’m about ready to vanish in the night.
I fill the same way I married my husband when I was 22 and he was 42 .we had talked about time possibly of him losing his sex drive and he swore he wouldn’t ever do that to me at age 27 he has completely stop having sex with me .I’m young everyone I meet tells me how beautiful I am .. and tries to get with me and I refuse cause I love a man that wants nothing to do with me .now I’m almost 31 it’s been 3 years and we have had sex twice and of course it was doggie style and he came as fast as he could. But at 30 years old I crave it .I’m horny.I want that contact and excitement. I cry.I scream.I tell him things need to change or I will divorce him.cheat .ect.. he does not care he just looks at me with tears in my eyes and acts like I’m crazy.I’m tried to hold on and be a good girl.. but I’m to the point I can’t anymore .I’m here begging someone for help .WHAT DO I DO ! .!!!..!HELP PLEASE
I can help you if you need it.
With holding intamcy and sex from either partner is a relationship killer. It is one of the threads that holds a marriage together. I’m like you Christine, on the verge of vanishing into the night.
Hi Christine,
Just curious now that its been over 8 months since you posted this how things are going now? I feel for you as I was going thru the same thing with my wife but now that she cheated it has been different. I feel bad for you. My situation is bizarre also.
I’ve been in a near sexless marriage my self for 34 years, I stayed because I didn’t want my kids having a thug doorstep father now I crave sex, but am always called dumbass, stupid, and pillhead due to a series of back surgeries that left me on permanently disabled. So when the once a year sex comes up, she always manages to verbally rip me apart. And I strongly suspect other men. Talk about a mood killer. If i was the husband of a beautiful young women craving love with sex, she would be my queen in a heartbeat. I miss respect and the closeness only sex brings I’m so lonely. I’m 54, but am still in good shape and am a Cancer, and ALWAYS easy going, therefore 30 or 35 year old ladies flirt with me often, which makes me feel like a man since I’m married to a BITCH . I long for the warmth only romance and sex brings along with the excitement of love.. am I wrong to want this. Is this my destiny , to be depressed and living the life of a freakin hermit?? Y ech, I don’t think so!!! Somebody HAS to be out there. I’m still fairly young , love kids and crave the closeness of lovemaking and yes I damn sure lobe sex
. I came from the factory with ALL the options and miss using IT to make a beautiful woman really happy while being a gentleman. . Sam
I am going through the same thing and the only thing I found that takes the edge off is my shower head lol. Its sad but true. I have stayed faithful (he has done multiple things to earn my distrust) and I plan on staying faithful(God willing). I’m just learning how many women go through this. I am still relatively young, pretty, fun, and outgoing but I feel so insecure because of this. It seems I can turn the head of most men but I can’t turn the head of the man I love. I’m trying to think positive and need to learn to be okay with being alone in case the worst happens(Div). I have been a stay home wife/mom for 22 years so I don’t have many friends either, the one I do have is a neg. Nancy but she makes me forget my problems for a little bit. Seriously though….SHOWERHEAD
U made me cry because ur story is mine.im 44yrs and look dam good.i have tried everything and my husband just don’t care. It’s only his needs that matter never mine. I do myself up everyday , walk around half naked but nothing. I talk dirty to him send him dirty messages and pics and nothing. I will stay up all night trying to get him to wake in the mood nothing. I cry so much I get so dam mad. I hate he has this power over me . we are married what am I supposed to do? He acts jealous but he don’t want me. I hate this we used to do it 5 times a day now I’m lucky to get it 2xs a month. I love this man and I hunger for him but I don’t want to look back when I’m no longer pretty and wish I would have done something.
I have been married for twenty years and have two kids. The marriage has been sexless for the last several years. I have hated the idea of divorce, wanting to be there for my kids. The wife has recently started behaving like she no longer cares at all. I tried marriage counseling, and ended up going without her. She was not interested. I pushed the issue and she went twice, and then pretended there was a billing issue and quit. We make good money and have great insurance. The counselor wanted her to do individual counseling, and she just blew it off. She thought her lack of desire might be medical, her family has a history of hi polar disorder. She was also experiencing some medical issues. Her doctor recommended a surgical procedure and she arranged time off etc. instead of following medical advice, she took a 16 day vacation overseas with a relative. Since then, without my agreement, she moved her mother into our guest room. I finally acquiesced to this, but then she also, against my will has forced a large dog on me that we did not agree on. She is trampling our partnership. I want to leave, but do not want to leave my two teenagers in this situation and have it become more volatile. I am depressed, and feel stuck and mentally abused.
Are u in the geogia area if so I love to meet u mine is the opposite of yours let’s make our sex life great again hit me up
Dude be a man ther are many womens wating out for you just move on and dont forget to kill your wife
Your suggestion to not forget to kill your wife is sort of repugnant, several times in our marriage that started on January second 1982 My husband has nearly done that four times. The first was the day I told him there would be no sex for two more years. That he had to consider the needs of others in the area and not disrupt lives with his accrued seniority under his UAW contract.
He had come home after his discharge From the US Navys submarine service where he had been the first 3 and a half years of our marriage, He came home with his Dolphins several ribbons that he had not left with. And his patrol pin with three gold stars and two silver . indicating an actual 956 days under water in three and a half years. His father wanted him to reenlist instead of coming back and reinstating on His transmission plant UAW position. Because his discharge was Honorable the Contract was giving him his seniority like he had never left, He came back with 9 years At the time with the turnover that had happened while he was gone with retirements, transfers and Terminations and new hires, His name on the seniority list appeared as higher than 4200 other people out of the 7500 person hourly work force.
Within the first hour home the war was on with him. his father, his coworkers, and the community started with his mother begging him to not murder his father the first hour he was home and just do as he wanted and reinstate that day instead of taking the 30 day grace period.
My first sight of my husband was the next day. He had been put straight on second shift even having to borrow coveralls because he had not any civilian cloths to wear. He was yanked off the sofa again an hour after he laid down. With his father yelling to hit the bricks and find a place to live , I had come there six months before, Heavelly drugged, With anti anxiety anti pshycotics, Lithium for Bi Polar. and before my husbands arrival it had been explained that my husband needed to be kept as much off balance to get him to go reenlist or even join another service. That morning I was begged by his mother with my husband younger sister and brother who himself had just returned from his two weeks reserve duty in the army. We heard his father stop yelling with a gurgle. When his mother screamed help we went out to this sight, MY husband had his father pinned to the living room ceiling staring him right in the eyes, HE was telling him that I was going to be out in the living room in two minutes and going to find a place to live with him.
He was also saying that he had not had any thing solid to eat since the Turnover five days before on the Boat, He was going to get to that first. HE was also saying that if he had to us his fathers dead body to find me using it as a wreaking bar to tear bulkheads out I was going to see him that morning, There was no indication of a patient life in him.
I had to tug on his t shirt sleeve and beg him to put his father down. We found a place and was going to pay the down the next day after he put his discharge pays of over 12000 in the bank He was living off his travel pay.
That night the discussion in his fathers house turned to the respect my husband needed to show in the community I was given the example of how much he had in feeling for the way the community was set up in traditions and privilege. The example was about his return from the Army the fall of 1972 on a split Enlistment 13 years before And 8 years before I even knew of his existence. He was 17, Coming home assigned TAD to the local Guard command until his return to the Army in 1973 to complete his diploma.
He came back in time to go back to the Foot ball team, As you know The military basic does not leave any one soft and the following schools made my husband smart before he came home That fall fast. hard and mean also defiant with the army drill and tac sergeants saying take responsibility upon yourself. He was not going to let any one tell him he had to turn a position he had earned on the team over to a Sophmore just because his father was on the school board, There were four of them on the team that year and their dads used their office to ensure their first string spot over four seniors who had earned the slot. When these four seniors were told they were being put on second string for political reasons, The four younger boys got snbippy saying they guessed that pedigree counted for more than skill. MY husband was considered somewhat of a leader in this group, The other three were already joining the Military. and my husband turned to them and said In the A and B string scrimmage today lets go show these poodles how junk yard dogs do it, The four school board members sons left the team before end of practice after the rough treatment from my husband and his friends. Neither me or his mother knew about what happened latter that evening until 2015, I knew about the scares, but all that was said about them was it happened in the Army. We found out 10 months before my husbands mother died what the story was behind them, His father and the four school board members were not going to stand for his defiance in the society, The caught him off guard and knocked him out with a golf driver then tied him to a tree demanding his apology, when he would not say he was sorry they used electric lamp cord to Whip him until he was cut down to his ribs and spine and hung there passed out with the ties cutting into his wrists. He was left like that until they came and cut him down the next morning. I saw the surgons report From the Military hospital that the Guard CO had him airlifted to that Saturday. 153 Sutures three units of blood he was living in Military barraks and continued until he left four months latter The pictures we were shown by my husbands therapist told the whole story.
I also found out at that time why his father never wanted me to be touched by my husband, He had been engaged to another woman in 1973 and 1974, I finally saw her pictures located in my husbands old foot locker. This wasa another thing his father felt was the ultimate in sin. They met when they were in intelligence school in Arizona, She was language and my husband was in Terrain analisys and equipment capabilitys. The problem was she was not white. She was half native Hawaiian half oriental and his father is a racial purity nut, Their engagement ended when his father got on her and She and my husband were sent to different areas of the world at her request not where they were planning in Great Britton to get married..
I met my husband five years latter just out of high school while he was in a navy School for strategic weapons My father had died the year before and My mother moved us from NYC to Norfolk VA.
I was just starting my degree. A year and a half later my husband and I married. We were planning a honey moon and His Permanant Change of station To South Carolina was Starting the Monday, His father saw an opportunity that day when a Senior chief showed up with Emergency crew replacement orders for five out of my husbands Class to go to Kings bay as a replacement for men caught in a drug test. We did not even make the wedding night. Before he was on a COD heading to Georgia. I saw him next three years latter except for brief glimpses going to other boats as replacement, . The needs of the Navy came first. When I did see him next the only thing I was to talk to him about was reenlisting, But he had worked for this Auto manufacturer for four years between enlistments. He was going back because he had had enough.
When he came back I described the first two days home, It was the third day that set up the next 24 years. I was begging him to not ruin a girls life by bumping her to second shift She only had six months seniority to my husbands nine years, I ended up telling him he would not have a marital bed the next two years to keep things from being disruptive. He needed to l;et things become stable in the area, He had also recieved a guardianship on me from the state finding out that BI polar had manifested itself in 1983> He slammed out of his fathers house with his bivwack kit and foot locker over his shoulder after making four of us dive out of the way of a dinning room table flipping through the air. He took the house keys we had Received that day, And hes telling me that I was a Mercenary bitch and he hoped my bed was as Icy as my heart and nearly flattened his mother coming from her job. She asked me to leave for a while, When I returned his father was spending time away, We went over to the house the next morning and was hoping to smooth things out. but his father had arrived first, This time he was laying in the front yard after my husband slammed him off the tree there. He was still yelling that he was never to touch him again.
HE looked at me and asked when was his roomier going to pull her weight and get a job with my fancy degree> the next two years this was a once a week discussion. Was I going to be a wife or was I going to get my lazy rear on a job. HE had a union perk of a travel agent that got tremendous discounts For group trips A plan was developed for a trip to Rome. Flying out on the first of June 1987. HIs father waited two months before to talk to me about the same girl two years before and how if my husband kept his vacation slot. Her and her fiancé who had 7 years less seniority could not get married and have the honey moon they wanted, They also wanted ROME in June and their seniority would have given them the earliest time in late fall. So I went to my husband hat in hand and told him he had to give his vacation time up for this girl and coworker. I said when we came back we could do something else just on our own and make our marraige right then. HE went to my room and took my bible out then stopped in his room and hammered on the typewriter for thirty minutes, He then came out and said, “I know if I go that his father and others would not let him just have a good time, And he said my idea of being an honorable person was not in any way shape or form me keeping my word, So I was going to swear on my bible, that when we came back from Rome that any time, any way and any place my husband wanted his vacation, That I would live up to my word two years before, Be the wife he had expected, and a travel companion.
when he took us to the airport it was an embarrassing scene over being begged to stay behind. It was his perk that enabled this trip, he had not had a day off since the day before our wedding six years before, he had done everything asked of him the prior two years./ He was waiting for us to take our own luggage to check in when his father opened his mouth breaking the peace. Telling him to make himself at least usefull and take our luggage to checkin. He got out of the van and acted like this. Yas massas dis po house nigger gets rights to its. When yous alls returns from yous rest yous be all ready to beat dis man proper.” It was the most ugly display of what he felt we considered him, nothing but a slave. He peels out two minutes latter leaving our luggage scattered in the road. I was the matron of honor for the wedding in Rome and saw the couple off to Naples Most of the group including the brides father who was an area manager in my husbands plant sat down to a dinner in the inn we were staying. He knew that if my husband decided to bump somebody out of their vacation that summer there was nothing the company could do. But his father and him had a suggestion. To get my husband to wait until after the Christmas shutdown He could work through it making the triple time. And even use it to go on a vacation someplace nice like Hawaii. Barbadoes. The Caymans or the Bahamas Over our anniversary and his birthday. This was the vision I had on the flight back, It was promptly shot to pieces the ten minutes after landing, His mother and I had selected a pair of boots as a Peace offering and We arranged albums to show him Rome as we saw it.. We were going to talk about how to get things right now. Go To some romantic Beach house or cabana and have a honey moon nearly six years after when it should have been.
He had already looked into the places that we were going to suggest and found even the reservations had reservations in case somebody canceled. We started suggesting places to drive to even befotre leaving the airport parking lot that winter. He said feel; free to go her was not Ice scating across country for a vacation He was not considering any compromise to leaving on a westrern road trip that day. I finally put my foot down and said he could not ruin the plans others had, We would figure something out and tell him when we would go. He left the Interstate heading to the Trailways terminal. telling me he knew I was not capable of keeping my word. He was holding what I swore to as a gun to every ones head.
HE said since I did not want to be a wife I was being returned to my mother and he was filing for a divorce. I watched his brothers try and keep his father and him apart as we pulled out HE did not ever look at those albums or even look at the boots we bought for him They still sit in my Ceder chest, 30 years latter. Alongside another try at peace in 2000 after the Divorce was denied, WE got him put in Jail the day before we were leaving for Bavaria and the Millinial celebrations, Just to keep him from defying the restraining order to make him work that year. We bought a 1300 dollar one4 of a kind clock as a birthday, Christmas, Peace offering and was going back to see about a vacation/holiday time he could take latter that spring or summer, The first since 1979.
WE just wanted to sweep the previous 15 years out with the old century and try for a new start. With any Discussion in fairness Start the New Year, and Century with everything from before forgiven and forgoton, He was 45 the day we flew in. We had him woke up in his suburban, and He had not even cleaned up after work the night before. I said we had a gift for him that we could give him at home, I saw a foot squar box nicely wrapped in the back with my name on it and the tag said what my worth was to him we had to run it to the nearest dumpster It was full of dog Sh**.
His mother and father had worse waiting A 2000 dollart cleanup of the outside of their house and a large antique wagon wheel set up in the front yard with Rawhide wrist straps A bull whip and a sign that told the community to come witness the uppity nigger get his whipen meaning him. His mother was taken to her sisters crying why does he hate everyone this bad, We were going to try and make peace this year with him After that everything was violent in him taking his rights. To date 35 men have been badly hurt for any intimidation with weapons. IF interference in any form is tried somebody gets badly beaten. We4 kept trying to get him to take his time in mid winter, IN 2009 We stool his poassport and canceled his reservations on the Orient express to let a man with 2 years seniority to his 34 get his marriage off to a start my husband never allowed. We got the entire amount for his cancelation by his father kicking in the ten Percent thinking the new arangments I was making for the second of January would be acceptable as a fair trade I was going to give him that check in seven months with reservations for both of us to st Criox for five weeks, the Island Honeymoon I wanted with him. We had asked for an office in TSA and his union to send his steward and chaplin down to try and work through what was going to be a no about going back to work.
HE grabbed my shoulder bagh and threw me across that office taking his check, All the money I was taking and ripped my boarding pas in half Then to get his passport back he Was strangling his father to death over a stupid vacation, My shoulder had to be put back in place. HIs father was given O2, and his mother cancelled and had him take her home with him. That trip was now trashed. when we got home. I was still hoping the ST Croix trip was viable to make even a littler peace. I went to county lockup for two months for acting as false agent with his father. Even though the check was considered restitution The way it was done was considered a breach of his civil rights, I saw him next on Labor day night. Hunched over and sweating at work, The young man we did this for had been terminated the day he came back. and His steward said he had been in the ER twice already. And his stomach was hurting He had also lost a lot of weight in the last four months. I tried talking about ST Croix but just got silence in return. His father started to speak but was shut down with the words say one thing I dare you.
He then went back to work. The next I heard of him was October 24th when the ER called telling me we better get to the main hospital campus where they were sending my husband. His other sister and I arrived in time to see the Doctors , nurses, PA, and staff all dressed in Containment suits. Wheel my sedated husband by on his front. Ten hours latter his angry father shows up demanding to know why the guy he was going to go to a colts game with got called in to work in my husbands place. Why didn’t we get him back on the job. He was told to leave the hospital. An Hour latter the PA came out on a break, And said My husband probably was not going to make it His spinal cord was compromised . From a MRSA infection in his spine, She suggested we get with hospital services and arrange for a funeral home. He came out of that 21 hour long surgery without feeling from leg tops down, Lots of complications the next three years.
When they bought him out of the induced coma two days latter he asked why he was kept alive why did they bother, Or was he just meant to suffer. I started seeing an old Boyfriend that found me on face book expecting a husband home in a wheel chair. I did feel guilty about my husbands life pre MRSA. But I did not see what we did that was so wrong. Just seeing to the needs of others.
MY husband trapped me the last time I was seeing the other man, He was handing me over with the guardianship. HE was walking after a fashion with the help of a cane he had carved and finished, Its an evil thing. My boyfriend swept it laughing and asking how I had ended up with this looser. MY husband fractured his scull with it then tried to beat him to death.
Two weeks later he was home on the worst evening. I had promised to go to a dinner event with his father, mother and his fathers best friend when the center sent him home. I ran square into his chest coming out of the bedroom just finishing getting ready.. I started crying before the first thing was said, I was telling him that his life was not meant to happen as it had. I was sorry it did but nothing was changing especially his defiance to the community and family< But After we got out of the dinner we could meet anyt where he chose in four hours and lay everones grievances out including his and try and come up with a timetable to allow him something in his life He just could not drop inmto everyones life without preperation now. HE blew up!
Told me who in the hell did we think we were to allow him a dam thing, From that second he was the only judge and arbiter of what he was allowed under his roof, nobody had any thing to say about what he was allowed. I started to run for the door to try and get help to send him back to the center He was between me and the phones.
He ripped my outfit off leaving me standing there nude and said go you can freeze my rear in what I deserved. I was not going to the dinner and keep any promise before I made good on the hundreds made and broken over thirty years, He took me to the floor and forced the sex I had not offered him. Leaving me bleeding slightly and sore. I put a dressing gown on and sat on the bed edge crying. about how had things come to this. He met his fathers best friend at the door and told him he was not coming in unless he produced a badge and warrant. I was thinking. That I should call 911, Just take what he had coming to the people he had documentation of decades of abuse on me his father and many others in the community including photo documentation of how after 2001 they had used firearms to force him to work holidays. Kike I said much was caused by his defiance, Most should not have happened. I should have chosen his side against the communities. He was the sole money supply in our household.
I now cringe every time I want to do something, I have to go and almost on my knees beg for a small boon. Then I cant tell him he cant do it since he was not being invited. The last time that got his fathers neck broken in 2015 When he decided he was going on the Cruise to Cancun with me. His father wanted him to come home and showed at our room drunk with a ball bat. It took a blocjk from my husbands cane and an uppercut from my husband hip to leave him with his head at a odd angle in the hall. I just sat crying why couldn't he just do as people want and not hurt them for his rights, Be so much better.
What in hells name are you talking about?? I wasted 20 min of my life reading your story and it doesn’t make any damn sense!! Jesus…
Fran what I was talking about was my husband’s refusal to help in the Community, by taking the options we pointed out he could take and make a permanent time After the first of the year.
Until we had the chance to have our own children let those with higher needs take what was called the prime times, the better jobs, just look to try other ways to take holidays Try other jobs and ways to get the shift his seniority was enabling so it did not harm family life even though they had hired in after his 1976 hire date.
His father had coached many of those young men in baseball and football and considered the area sports systems as a good way to determine the ways to live life. My husband regarded his father as an enabler of snobbery. Things to special families to lord themselves over him, He was going to try and kick the heart out of that system with every breath. He started by leaving four school board members sons crying about the rough treatment they received at his hands because they were taking Positions he felt he and three other seniors had earned through work and skill. They were sophomores with fathers on the school board, He and the other three seniors did not have the parental up. It took him 46 years to get completely even for what his father and the four school board fathers did to him. When he made his father so furious he was defying him again.
He came to our Hotel room before a cruize in 2015 His father rushed him with a ball bat to send him home. HE blocked it and did not hold anything back in the return uppercut from his hip that sent his father 15 feet out in the Hall. His head at an odd angle. My husband said I told you to never try and lay your hands on me in anger again. He said to consider his word of 1972 kept, His father’s neck was broken None of us was allowed to board the next morning.
He ruined vacation for the entire family just because he was not going to try and get along.
Should I do the same with my husband and see outside for sex and not forget to kill him?
Sheila, The first time I witnessed my husband, decide he was not going to be accosted was August the second 2001. He was asleep on his mat in his room when his father came in with four of his coworkers, they went into his room fully knowing he had another 54 days of sick leave and four weeks of vacation as well as 23 days of personal time before he was required to return to work. His father and the other three wanted him back on the job six days after a hole was drilled from over his right eye to the center of his head six days before. I thought with the fight he put up against them they were right he did not need the time off to recover. One man lost his teeth wen a computer keyboard broke his teeth. I domt think any man coming out of that room with my husbands arms twisted behind him to take him to work was uninjured. We goofed not letting have the full alotted time off/
The company had just finjshed building a new plant. Within 2 months my husband had decided to move jobs and shift going to the new plant. He did not talk to me or any one else about it knowing we would ask him not to, Actualy it was closer to making legal arangment;s so we could get him to stay on his then job on second shift he had been on for 16 years. He was taking with three other ex military that despised the social order in the area four jobs considered by the community to be held for those that had social or political connections. they felt that their seniority under he uaw contract counted for more than four as they put it country club cocain burn outs. The night before the list went up for the bids. I was begging and pleading with my husband to pull his bid and not cause trouble taking the position with his friends if he backed off they would to. O offered an end to interfering with his vacation time wants , letting him have the holiday and weekends he wanted off, a promise to let him take two weeks through thanksgiving off. Go on a trip and start our sex life. He told me that he wanted me dead to let him out from under the guardianship the state had assigned.
He would not pull his bod or forgive the last 20 years of no time off or sex. his father and others thought to put him in his place and force him to pull his bid. The fight on our porch the next morning was very different than the post surgery fight. In his defiance he tore into those four men after the first swing using combat arts technics that he had learned in the isolated duties he had served in in the army. We had discovered he was proficient with both catana, shirecan and he held a 3rd dan black belt in sho rea. He never mentioned his training to any one before that morning. I watched as it took less than one minute after the first swing to put four men into critical care.
Then it came down to being force with firearms to keep what happened from being done again Thanksgiving day 2001 his father and three others appeared as they had every holiday since that horrible morning in 2001. Told him he was not going to get his way and stay for the holiday dinner or have the day off, he was working, He was proded by one mans 12 guag and my husband took terrible actions snatching his weapon and caving his face in with the but then chambered a round, and drew down on his father and the other two. The sheriff was called by plant security and they talked him into working because the holiday was now a ruin. We got home after he did the net morning to find our dinner being shredded by dogs. Christmas eve was just as bad with pistols used instead. two men were forced out of his fathers back seat at 45 mph, another went through the windshield as he chocked his father out, This time the sherrif after getting my husbabd back told us we would be arrested the next trouble, New yeaes eve we were goingh out to ceklebrate the upcoming new year of 2009, we took his ham on rye with mustard we usually did the evening and met him at his work gate He ruined that evening by throwing a can of wd 40 into the car with us he punctured, as well as every piece of trash he could grab fro the dumpster. I told his father that evening I was tired of getting the brunt of his anger over things, after the orient express trip that I knew was going to be a bad scene. He did not know we had canceled his reservations and taken his passport after he had put them in an old computer case and told me if I touched them he would let me go with both arms in a cast, he was tasking his fiver weeks of vacation as he saw fit starting with the express. We arranged for his money back and was getting him a different time in 2010 in January for five weeks in st Croix. only 210 more days and the two year seniority could have a honeymoon that worked next to him while he worked letting the young man go with his 3 month pregnant bride.
We arranged a office with tsa to tell him his reservations were no longer valid that he mat as well go back and work and wait for a surprise in January We would give him his check at his work gate on Christmas day if he did not raise cane with everyone over the orient express. He tried to murder me and his father over a stinking vacation. He threw me across the offixe dislocating my arm and it took seven men to keep him from killing his father getting his passport back, His revenge against the young man was getting other seniority worked up that they did not get the slot since my husband worked again was the young man was marched out of the plant by security the day he came back to keep the rank and file from wildcatting.
I was crying when the sheriff cuffed and charged me and his father with acting as false agent. I served two months in county after pleading no contest. On October 24th 2009 his mother recieved a call from both my husbands forman and the ER.
That’s the day he started accusing us of the theft of 3 decades of his life after waking up in the hospital after mrsa was discovered in his spine starting three years of complications and rehabs learning to use his hands and walk without nerve impulse below his upper legs. He held every year of the three decades against me in particuler for not allowing sex until he cooperated willingly which was never. When he came home three years later I was getting out of an affair, He came home walking with a cane he carved relearning to use his hands. He would not stand for being humiliated and he fractured my APs scull with the cane.
2 weeks later after coming home from the stress center I was ready to just go to a dinner planed six months before.
He came home after the center with no intension of getting along with me his father or any one else, When I ran into him coming out of the bedroom I just started crying knowing he was angry before any thing was said. I was begging him to meet me in four hours any where he wanted, his mother and father and any one else that he had a beef with. We could work out what could be allowed in baby steps.
He just looked at me and said, “who did we think we were to allow him a dam thing, I was crying that I had promised his father, He told me he cared less what I had promised. I owed 3 decades of broken promises to him, before I kept any to his fatherI was crying it was just four hours then everyone could air their grievances. He said we had stolen three decades of his life and he was taking it back.
That meant I was not going to a dinner on his fathers best friends arm, That he counted for more than my friends and any one else, And from that second on under his roof he was the final judge and arbiter in all things, that he was tired of blackmail with sex and the next person that held him with a weapon he might kill outright, and if I did nor submit after the hell we put him through he might decide I was worth less than a bugs life, I ran for the door and he shredded my outfit I was begging him that he was going to do something. that could be talked through. He did not give me any say about sex forcing it. My hands were bruised hitting him begging him to stop. I got up bleeding and hurt, thinking that somehow we had just lost any control. his mother and father died in the last eight months, there was not an understanding or peace made even after his mother begged for it when she died.
There is not any peace between my friends and my husband. Hes all but destroyed the social hierarchy. That contrasct tha just looks at a persons hire date rules all. Everything works in my husbands favor now, three years ago I tired filing marital sexual misconduct with my son as the proof, the DA shoot me down saying we had abused my husband for decades, extorted his life and defrauded him. We had used intimidation that was illegal.
I don’t know if otherwives would have made the choice I did but still is it worth the pain caused to tell us to bug off.
I just got out of a year long affair with a single woman.
She said she finally needed to move on and live her life.
I on the other hand was devastated by this news even though I know it is best for her. I never wanted to hold her back from living but I sure do miss the closeness and sex.
Now I’m stuck in a 20 year marriage. Sex is non existent because my wife just won’t do certain things in bed. She and everyone else tells me that true love would be patient and sensitive to those hang-ups. I say BS! I really want a divorce but have early teen kids. I’m already on the lookout for the next affair and still getting over my last lover.
I’m almost there. 17 trs of marriage (51) and I am miserable sexually. It drives a wedge and turns me into someone I am not. I have enough experience to know I’m an Fing catch in the bedroom but to him I’m just……well maybe his mommy. It’s stupid. I hate how it makes me feel. I’m a happy person and this blows!!
I turn 51 in two weeks. No physical contact in 2 years and very little in 4. Not sure it is fixable. Saying divorce is easy, going thru the steps hard, but you have to really look at the you after it. Will you be happier? maybe , maybe not. People grow apart, control enters the equation. The vows work both ways. I dont want to be a cheater and i am considering a break up if discussions dont change it.
IM a good catch too.
Hi,
Been married for 12 years, no sex since 2008.
Very little touches. Sucks big time, we don’t have any kids.
I invested in a good dildo. But I lack human touch.
Girl. I feel your pain. Husband makes excuses but then will literally get jealous if another guy looks in my direction. He’s 9 years older than I. Doesn’t have performance or health issues. I know I’m attractive. I keep myself together. I’ve initiated in more ways than I can count. Tried fulfilling fantasies and introduced new things in the bedroom. 15 years married and this has been going on for pretty much the whole time. When he does give it, its like pity sex, which isn’t desirable but I can’t complain. I just yearn to be touched…held and to feel desired. Honestly, I’ve become a person I know longer know and spend a lot of time arguing about intimacy issues. We have 2 kids but they pretty much take care of themselves. I have picked up a hobby and its keeping my mind focused on other things but now its almost like I am dreading coming home to someone I don’t connect with. I enjoy being surrounded by the lively people. It’s a headache, but I don’t believe in divorce. I wish he would just see whats happening and make the change. BTW, I’ve gone through too many vibrators and dildos I lost count. That’s just not the way to live.
Amy, I’m with you. I’ve been with my husband for 16yrs & married for 10. We’ve been sexless for nearly the entire time we’ve been married. In 2013, I found out that he was cheating with co-workers, escorts, etc. I confronted him and he promised to change, blah, blah, blah. Now it’s 5yrs later and we’re still in the same old rut. I’ve initiated a couple times & each time he doesn’t stay hard so clearly, he’s not attracted to me. All the women he cheated with are the complete opposite of me. We have no children – I quit my job because I thought we would & I could be a stay at home mom but he was sleeping with other women instead of me. He’s started a new job recently and I suspect he’s back to his old ways. I’m miserable & lonely.
You sound like my husband in 2000. He said he had a right to go with me over the millinialls to Bavaria, We had to have him jailed on December @# 1999 to keep him from being in contempt of court about the court deciding the time he could have off and not the contract and the Seniority he had at work. I Came home on his birthday of January the 5th 2000, we had been in touch with his foreman and his union president who were terrified to even approaching my husband about taking the time from His birthday the 5th OF January the day we were flying in From Germany to the 24th of January as the exchange for having him jailed to work out of a cell over the holidays. It was the 19th years he worked the holidays since our wedding in 1982.
He resented everyone else getting holidays off, vacation times of their choice by seniority, and the fact i kept promising a sex life for cooperation in the community and Had not allowed it since 1985. . We came home hoping with the new century to start things with a freash slat only to find ourselves called slaveres when he Put A wagon Wheel in Cement in front of his fathers house and hes standing there with his coat and shirts off yelling at the crowd wasn’t there any one there with the guts to whip the NI**** in front of the world to prove his place was at our feet or bleeding for his insolence. He then turned om everyone and threw a rope with a noose on one end at our feet and said or was it more our speed to Show up with a burning cross at his door to leave him hanging as a warning to the rest of the ni**** in the community. as for my Christmas gift that year from him it was a box of Dog leavings he scraped out of yards with a note saying it was my worth as a wife. All because we tried to see to all needs and not just his. From December 1981 to October 2009 he did not take a day off as offered he wanted his way and to hell with what everyone else wanted. Every time after 2000 he just ended up Hurting people trying to get what he wanted, He would turn down the canvas for the holiday and his father and his friends would show up with shotguns to force him through the gate at work starting in 2001 after the Day he took a new job he was not supposed to bid on in their opinion.. Just not to some ex military with experience in logistics Like my husband The NEW Department was supposed to go to four better connected men with less seniority> His father said one day he will learn to respect his betters and he still needed taught what that was. Everyone had forgot what training he had in two services. The army and navy in all honesty we did not know he held a 3rd dan black belt in sho rea, he had been trained in air born and air assault and nuclear weapons and their security on trident submarines so when somebody attacked him or use a weapon to intimidate him he considered only one option, deadly force had just been authorized. I spent the After noon before he went to work On the 5th of November Promising the sex, The Vacations and holidays he wanted and to let him choose a position any place else on the next bid list that went up in two weeks then we might have a real married life The Next eight years was Armed intimidatrioion because nobody would face him other wise, Even that ended up with him remembering who held him at gun point then he would catch them in ambush and make sure they hurt very badly. I Was told after giving his father his passports to put in a safe deposit until he agreed to take the times we decided he was taking, We were threatened if he did not get them back in 2006 after the trip to Scandinavia we would go to prison. in 2005 our ex church deacon comited suicide over the one year we did not have my husband forced to work when our deacon claimed Church need and had my husband forced to work by his foreman. My Husband arranged to out the Deacon in the most horrible way to his wife about his infedelities on Christmas morning 2003, The Deacon Killed himself 2 years later.
In 2009 We canceled his trip after not being able to put his passport in a safe deposit. HE threw me across a conference room yelling I had no right then he tried to murder his father over us stopping him having a day off since 1985 the offer was just wait 210 more days and he would get his stinking vacation He did not have to hurt us because we stopped him again to let a younger couple have the two weeks for their honey moon He was so angry over that he had me and his father arraigned and jailed for two months for illegally acting as false agency in his name. For everything we tried to do to get him to consider others people were hurt.
In 2009 He acquired MRSA in His spine on October 24th he was in surgery. That was the last day he clocked into work and he was retired on the day i was intending we fly out for ST Croix. For five weeks With complications he was in Rehab for three years relearning to use his hands, He Learned somehow to walk without nerve impulse in his legs. When he came home I was Really lonely expecting to live like lady chatterly. He as always showed up at the worst instant three days early to catch me and my old boyfriend arriving home I had spent the Night with my friend in his room And When we got to my home I begged to take the argument off the street from my husband leaning on that tall cane of his. He allowed it wanting me to take my luggage and go with my married friend. He however Wanted my husband just to forget he ever saw him and leave things in our home as they were. He Sw3ept my husbands cane and called him a pathetic looser while laughing at him. That earned that cane flying across the room to fracture his scull then a terrible beating there after until the police arrived. to take him to a stress center and my friend to the hospital. Two weeks latter again he came home at the worst possible time, I was just finishing getting ready to go to a Awards dinner with his parents and his fathers best friend, I walked out of the bedroom right into my husbands chest, And He had already decided the way the evening was going to go I was not walking out of the house unless it was on my husbands arm. He did not care what i had promised I was going to Be subservient to him that evening or he would kill me. And that was to be sex. After he tore every stich off me he had his way with me I was 48 and wanting to have time to work things out after the last 31 years, He said he had given me every chance and there was no more left. he had already talked himself out and he was nobodies slave any longer Since that evening we were moved by his mother and mine 1230 miles to the west His mother and father died in the last year and a half. I had a little boy at the end of 2013.
My husband has not let a thing he wants go by. including our son.
I m only 29 years old and been married for 2 years. The first year I got pregnant after 2 months and my husband would have sex with me for months and months. Second year my baby was born and he didn’t have sex with me for a full year. And the only time he wants to be intimate is when I’m on my period so I can give him a blow job. Otherwise, once in a bluemoon he ll have selfish sex where literally in 30 seconds he ll b finish. Super lonely, dunno what to do. Stuck in this miserable marriage cuz of my 14 months old baby sigh.
NOT the baby’s fault!!!
Sal,
You are young. Don’t waste your youth waiting for a miracle. There isn’t anyone else in the whole world who would know how to fix issues between you and your husband. Counseling and therapy is a waste of time and money. Search or ask around (in anonymity) on why he is behaving in such manner towards you. Get men’s opinions, not women. After gathering all these info, select the most likely cause and solutions (you would be the most qualified to diagnose), device a strategy and work towards the solution. Be patient and work hard, smart and sexily. Being a man, I strongly believe, with the right tactics, your problems will be short lived. Good luck.
P/s – If all fails. Be brave to do what you feel is best for yourself. Miracles never happen without effort. If there’s any consolation, i was in a sexless dilemma for a certain period of time also, but thank God for giving me the strength and wisdom to turn it around
I was a fool.
I took my girlfriend to paradise to propose to her. When I popped the questionon the second evening, she said yes, to my great joy! When I put the ring on her finger, it was paradise lost.
“Not until the honeymoon!” She said. Needless to say, it was a difficult and unpleasant rest of the week and the following four months that we lived together before our wedding night. But, at last, our vows were taken and our lives together could finally begin!
We didn’t consummate the marriage that night. Too tired from the festivities, she said. Completely understandable. Heard lots of people/experts say it’s best not to the night of a big wedding. The honeymoon awaits!
The next evening, as we settled into our gorgeous private oceanside cabana (you’ve definitely seen it on a travel magazine cover) she was too tired from the travel. Understandable, but a sleepless night for me. The next day, a bit of sunburn. I lovingly tended to her, gently applying fresh cut and personally prepared aloe vera. The next day, after a frolicking glorious morning in the water, it was cabana time at last!
“I don’t think so. Sex on a honeymoon is oppression of the patriarchy” she began to lecture. It went on for some time, but I was incoherant within a few sentences. I knew what this meant. I was devastated, horrified, anguished, heartbroken, and crushed. What had I done? Who had I just married? Why would anyone do this to another person, especially someone they just professed such love for in front of all of their friends and family?
It was the worst two weeks of my life amidst the most beautiful landscape imaginable. I considered flying home early but sadly didn’t. Out of shame. If I could have one wish, I would time travel to that moment and beat younger self senseless, toss him on a private jet and dump him at my best friends’ house for a proper intervention.
Instead, I pushed on through, foolishly hoping that the honeymoon would start when we got home. It didn’t. I considered annulment. But was too ashamed to admit it to family and friends. And what do you do with all those wedding gifts? (I did mention I was a fool right up front!) Four months later our marriage was consummated. Weakly. Nothing like before the engagement. Perfunctory even.
Two wonderful kids, endless excuses, incredible pain, depression, self loathing, self doubt, anger, resentment and SIXTEEN years later… Despite hurculean efforts at self-perfection, attained wealth and power, and absolute loving devotion and tenderness: A few times a year mercy/pity sex, “just different appetites” she says before adding another random “if only you”.
She’s asexual. I know that now. I didn’t even know that was an actual thing until this month. In and of itself, there’s nothing wrong with being asexual. But an asexual person marrying someone with a sexual orientation (whatever it may be)? That is incredibly cruel. Words cannot describe the pain and suffering their victim endures.
I stayed. Because I was foolish. Out of shame. Asexual people can’t change, they just are. Don’t be me. Leave now. It only gets worse. Unfathomably worse,
I should’ve added that nothing I improved or accomplished ever “moved the needle” of her desire despite achieving any of her “if only you”s.
Not when I closed on the first million dollar deal. Or ten M. Bought her a beachside villa (and matching frac-jet to fly her there on demand) so she could de-stress without the airport hassle. I even stepped down and hired a CEO so I could coach the kids teams and spend lots of quality romantic time with her (several romantic years, near zero sexual intimacy). Not when her friends fawned over her luck for marrying me (overheard her bestie say I was “a combination of a great husband, father, tycoon, and porn god rolled into one very tasty package”
I should’ve been delighted to hear that but I was actually crushed beyond belief. To her friends I was perfect, but to the only woman that mattered to me I was a terribly flawed , if not actually rancid, worthless man. Or so it felt. Outwordly, all my efforts at self improvement were successful. Because of her lack of interest, my self image was heinously ugly, disgusting, and unlovable. Because of her words, I felt like a total perv for even having sexual thoughts about my own wife. I was, and still am, desperately depressed.
The point is, by all means seek self-improvement, it’s all upside for you personally and for your kids, but DO NOT kick yourself or ever believe that your spouse would be more interested if only you were taller/thinner/richer/successful/physically attractive. I’m living proof that it’s futile. If they’re asexual they’ll certainly appreciate the change but none of it, NOTHING, will make them at all more interested in any kind of sexual intimacy. EVER.
Also, tremendous gratitude to all those who’ve shown such bravery in posting here. I can’t possibly thank you all enough! Even more thanks to the women who’ve shared. You’ve helped me see we’re all human and this is a tragic but shared experience.
If you’re asexual and reading this thread: hugs! Bless you for being willing to walk a mile in another’s shoes and for your empathy. But please, i implore you, beg even, tell your partner. Don’t inflict what I can assure you is unimaginable cruelty. You are also not alone. Find another Ace of Hearts (asexual romantic) and live a loving wonderful life together.
Jason,
I felt your pain in every word you wrote and of all the others that commented. A sexless marriage is surely one of Dante’s level s if he’ll. It is such a miserable existence. One in which you feel unloved, undesirable and like yesterday’s garbage. The pain is acute and the self doubt and self loathing is always looming. You feel as if your not enough. I struggle with evening feeling worthy of love. I wonder if I’m even loveable. I’m glad I discovered this site where I can express my pain to others who understand.
I only get it when I complain relentlessly, but that doesn’t make me feel wanted at all. I’m in top shape, but it doesn’t seem to matter. You really hit the nail on the head with feeling like “yesterday’s garbage.”
I don’t know what the hell to do. If I don’t complain and “see what happens,” nothing happens. If I try to compliment her, nothing happens. If I try to initiate without complaining, she has a laundry list of excuses: tired, want to unwind, head hurts, you have poison ivy, I don’t want to have to shower, not in the mood, it’s too much work, etc. The last time she initiated without me complaining was probably a few years ago. I have women checking me out in public most of the time, but I don’t act because I’m a loyal person. At least until this point.
This all doesn’t make sense because she “gets there” when it happens. I just don’t understand. I think she’s just bored of me in bed, but she loves me a ton otherwise. This creates a problem for me.
She’s loyal, and I really love her, which is a big part of why I stick around, but now I’m so freaking bored, and I feel like I’m missing out on a big part of life.
I’m a strategic person, and usually find a way to win (not all the time). In this situation, I feel like I can’t win.
Jason,
What a heartbreaking, thouroughly insightful post.
I’m sorry for the damage your wife has caused you. It is cruel. I’d like to believe they don’t know…but surely after a while, they have to know that there is only so much that our egos and hearts can take. I used to think that I was just starved for sex (I’ve always been extremely high, and foolishly thought I could bring my husband “up” to my level) but recently in counseling some of my clients (I’m an attorney, and practice divorce – though it’s not my preferred area for obvious reasons) it occurred to me that it’s not about the sex, it’s the intimacy that I crave. I didn’t sign up for a lifelong roommate.
Most searches on why a husband doesn’t have sex with his wife have to do with her becoming less attractive – mine is the opposite case – I had a close friend from college die a few years ago and that was enough to kick me into gear health wise and I look and feel better than…well, I ever have.
But with my husband, it’s not just that we haven’t had sex in the last 3-4 years, it’s that before that it could also be 1+ year between each time. It recently dawned on my in our 11 year marriage, it’s quite possible we’ve only had sex 11 times…even if I double that, it’s still pathetic. He hides behind the stress of Work, family issues, finances, etc., but the fact is – in my profession I’ve spoken with a lot of people about this – if you want to, you will find a way. But if they are asexual, they won’t. And sadly, I believe you and I are in the same boat there.
Except – did I read correctly that you have stayed and are going to stay?
– Christine
Reading these stories reminds me of how I am not alone, and yet, exceptionally alone in that I am at 7 years in a completely sexless marriage, and I mean really nothing during that time. It was good a few years before marriage, tailed-off some, then marriage to maybe once a month, and now two kids and a hysterectomy later we are roommates rearing a family. We enjoy each others company and we don’t fight about much, but not for the kids I don’t see the point to be in a monogamous marriage when one party withholds all sexual relations and affections.
Hi you all,
My wife was was my girlfriend since childhood, fell in love with me even when I was not interested. When she realised I dint really want her to be my partner, she slowly seduced me everyday physically to get to me.. After about 2 yrs of her trying and some. Intimate moments, I finally decided I would want to be her partner.. In fact I decided to marry her..
We got engaged, and I had to travel away for 6 months. In this six months she hardly showed any interest towards me.. I never felt that she even missed me.. I should have understood the situation but I was fool enough to think that it was just circumstances and that she is not very good at long distance relationships. 6 months after I returned, we got married.
On the day of marriage I knew she was tired, so I dint make any physical moves on her.
I waited for the honeymoon. Honeymoon just turned out to be A fun trip roaming around New places. No love, no sex from her side, except one pity dry humping session.
I have tried to initiate sex with her for the last 2.5 years of our marriage and I haven’t been able to do so.
I feel like she is not at all interested in me anymore.
And being married to someone and not having sex even once since marriage for 2.5 years seems a shame to me. It is affecting my entire personality and leaving me very passively aggressive, and also taking away any self confidence left.
I don’t know wat to do.
I do feel like cheating on her sometimes, but I haven’t found anyone else who would want to be with a married guy, and also I stop myself from Cheating as I want to be loyal.
But it has now got me addicted to porn and masturbating.
I’m so confused on what to do.
Talking to her about it only makes things even worse.
I’m right there with you! Fantasize and stroke it at least 5X a week. Now, getting her to do anything new is a Herculean feat, and haven’t seen a blow job in 2 years. Our sex is boring, to the point I don’t want to do it anymore.
This is not fun to think about, quite stressful in fact. This is my wife, whom I love, but I can’t throw away my life (the only one I have) to be “the good guy”. This stress can kill!
I have 2 step kids (grown), whom I love but I have to live my own life!
Hi Jason,
What is your situation now? Are you still married to the woman that you took to paradise?
Did you ever leave? Are you single now? I was in a similar situation and decided to stay for 6 horrible years. Thank god I caught him cheating and had an excuse to get rid of him. Do you live anywhere near Florida by chance? If so, look me up 😅
Jason,
Did you ever leave? Are you single now? I was in a similar situation and decided to stay for 6 horrible years. Thank god I caught him cheating and had an excuse to get rid of him. Do you live anywhere near Florida by chance? If so, look me up 😅
WOW! You get Birthday Sex….
I am considered to be some over sexed pervert for expecting sex on my birthday . Twice a year… I know no amswers to resolve this problem. Of course the wife sees no issue with it. Not planning on wasting much more of my life with the frigid woman!
I am 61 years old and have been married for 33 years. My husband suffers from low self-esteem and e.d. He was a virgin when I married him at the age of 27. He was an alcoholic who went to bars almost every night of the week, leaving me alone. He told me after 3 years of marriage that he will never touch me again and pushed me to the floor. I was only in my early 30s and still very much needed him sexually. I thought he would change his mind but never did even after 33 years.
I am now 61 and looking back on my life I feel regret and resentment. I am very depressed and am on depression meds because of this. Don’t stay for the kids they don’t appreciate it and when they grow up they only resent you. . All those wasted years without sex, affection or love. He never gave up his first love which is porn. Today when we go out places his eyes are all over 15 year old girls. It is a knife in my heart to know that his fantasy through our marriage has been for teens. Dont waste your good years waiting for a spouse who has no intention of loving you. Please listen to me and leave today not tomorrow. It does not change.
Liz,
I am 37 and I married my husband when I was 20 and he was 24. I first remember being turned down for sex nearly 10 years ago. The night it happened I woke up at 3 am , alone in bed. I walked to the living room and could see the light of our computer shining down on to me as I looked up the stairs into our homeroom. I slowly walked up stairs and saw him jacking off to girls dancing naked on a bar. I think I dissolved into the stairs right then and there. I didn’t understand. Since then I have tried to be his porn star, but I can’t compete. I couldn’t back then and I most certainly cannot now. I love to please a man that loves me. I want to be the body that he explores and desires. We have sex about once a month. He won’t touch me, there is no foreplay no oral sex for me, plenty for him because I want to treat him like I want him to treat me. Still he will make sure I’m wet enough and thrust a few times and finish on my stomach, grab a towel for me and go off to work. We never have sex at nighttime. Never. I’m 5,9 135 long blonde hair, I love sex, I play the guitar and sing, I’m a great cook empathy and I’m a guy’s girl, I love men and am an old fashioned lady in the street type of wife but he wants porn. He doesn’t want me for sex and it’s destroying me. However, how do I leave. I have nothing. I left my career to grow his business with him that once we had our daughter he slowly pushed me further and further out of. I am afraid if I were to leave, he would make it to where I would not have custody of my daughter. The pain from all the rejection I’m afraid I didn’t know how to cope well with and ended up dependent to pain pills in 2007. I got off and went to rehab and it was a mess. It was like he wanted me to be seen as a person with a problem. He was perfect and I was the crazy wife. Now, I don’t recognize the woman who lives within my skin, I doubt everything in my life no matter how obvious the reality is and I know I am being abused. I don’t know how to get my daughter and myself out of this situation. I have been slandered by my husband to law enforcement and he had his mother call cps on only me claiming I would leave her home alone while I played shows on the weekends. That never happened, she lives 12 hours away and our daughter was always with my mother while my husband and I played my shows. I’m sorry I got so off track….. Whew…. I’ve never spoke to anyone about any of this…. Not fully. I’m afraid of not being believed, and of him finding out before I can do anything. I’m just so so tired. I just want to love and to be loved. This world is hard so hard. We are all sinners… I want to be someones shelter from that outside pain and be able to run for cover to their arms when Im most in need. We all deserve that.
Liz, I came across your post the other day. It’s amazing that by one of your comments we have had a similarity in our pasts! I was in a sexless marriage for 38 years! Plus, what you said about children not caring and eventually resenting you, that almost occurred on a daily basis throughout my marriage. My ex-wife, now, finds peace, quiet, and tranquility, by taking care of our 35 year old meth-head, son. She and her mother gives him money (an enabler), periodically, to buy his dope. Before her father died, which is about a year ago, she would let her father belittle me in front of our children and other family members. I’m sure you know what kind of an influence that had on our children. Also, I truly understand your feelings of resentment, and the lost years, of no sex! Don’t ever let any man or woman tell you, that once you ever resolve your issues with your spouse, that things will correct themselves—bullcrap! They don’t! I wish there were some way I could contact you for further communication. However, I realize that this is not a dating site. Take care, I hope you find contentment in your life!
leonardnewman213@gmail.com
I’m a happily-married woman, whose husband only bothers her every 4 years. I made a compromise with him soon after marriage that I would consent to having relations every 29th February, to confirm that the act is not to my taste. I consider this to be a very good solution to what is, apparently, a rather common problem. This way, he can be satisfied that I have not ‘changed my tune’, as it were, and I have been good enough to prove it to him by ‘giving it a chance’ (as he puts it).
I am shocked by some of the stories related on this website. Are the contributors not ashamed to admit their lack of self-discipline? Embarrassed to be so lacking in self-control? Even women! I strongly urge those of a weak constitution to show some restraint, and take comfort in the knowledge that the issue will, after some years of fortitude, subside – even my own husband is starting to show a reduction in his brutish tendencies recently, and if he can do it, anyone can.
Wow
My husband has ADHD and we have not had sex in 10 years. Not at all. I am devastated by this. He is addicted to porn and no longer has any interest in a real person. I feel SO STUCK. We have a child together (11).
The funny thing is that he completely minimizes this. I have approached him so many times with so much kindness, flirtiness, etc…. you name it. He doesn’t care. He is happy with his porn and just doesn’t care how it makes me feel. I felt like my options were to divorce, suffer or cheat. I cheated. Honestly, I don’t even feel that guilty because I tried so damn hard to get him to hear me. He basically expected me to remain faithful while he jerked off to porn every day. Anyway, I regret cheating not because I feel bad but because of all the complications it brought to my life. I wish I had just left. I still will when my child is old enough so that I won’t have to share custody with him, but I am so angry. He has changed my life. The wealth we have accumulated together for retirement will be split and I will be working until I’m in my 70s for sure. I have to start over. I have to put my child through a divorce. I have suffered immeasurably emotionally. I know some would say I don’t have to do any of those things, but I do… for my self worth. One day. One day soon I will get out.
To be honest, I did think about cheating. But I never met a decent woman who was interested in a married man. So I waited. But my ex accused me of cheating anyway to anyone who would listen to her made up stories.
I think about cheating all the time too. My boyfriend only have sex with me once or twice a year. Is it ok to cheat and still be in a relationship with him? Everything is great, just sexless.
Your not married go out and have fun with any one you want.
Robert,
There are actually plenty of women, whom are reasonably decent (maybe not morally), who prefer relations with a married man. Some say they are too busy or consumed with their careers to bother with dating single men. They say single men have too much time, get too emotionally involved and expect these women to make them a priority and also make time for them. They say married men have to be discrete, have little time, don’t expect to text constantly throughout the day and prefer a side woman that is emotionally unavailable. Having been cheated on myself, I do not condone cheating but, I just thought you should know there are SEVERAL women out there. Maybe I just watch too much Oprah and Dr Phil 😂😂
Good luck
I had the opposite problem! I had to beg for it! And what a fool I was! Dominant, controlling woman is not that great in bed, and can ruin a good man!
My wife told me that she cant stand me touching her, that was 2 years ago not long after coming back from a girlie holiday. Ive not touched her since nor had any sex. I was always suspicious of these girlie holidays so i didnt have any sex for 8 months before her holiday, and she never made any sexual advances towards me in that 8 months,, 2 weeks after she came back i found a pregnancy test kit in the recycle bin ( it was negative by the way). When i confronted her about it she says “i was late with my period and thought i was pregnant “, Really i said, if thats true you should be 8 months pregnant then cos thats the last time we had Sex. All i got after that conversation was i am paranoid / making a big deal out of nothing.
To Ritchie: Dude, your wife is cheating on you! Open your eyes!
Ritchie, get your affairs in order and depart ASAP.
Yesterday I was going to leave with my son. I was waiting on an airport van when my husband woke up I was going back to friends in the mid west. My husband came out and told my 3 year old to come to him which he did, he told him that mommie was leaving so say goodby and kiss her because she was not coming back. I was crying asking was he going to keep me from my child because I had an Illness. I am by polar he listed off that was not the case, I was leaving him because I was an oath breaker that could not be trusted to stay on my meds or even take care of our son when I went into my manic phase. Yhe van arrived and I paid him for the trip and went back inside. I just wanted my friends to not have to deal with my husband and his ideas that he has the rights that everyone else does.
I’m bipolar too and my husband uses that as an excuse to have pathetic/nonexistent sex. Says because of my behavior (manic-which I cannot fucking control) and that I’m not treating myself like I promised. (Yea okay looser, I’m not taking the 3 different pills a day and going to the therapist 3 times a week). Just lame he can’t just have raw and passionate sex like its meant to be, it has to be about grudges and him being too fucking lazy.
Jordan If you are taking the same that i am, Seroquel tarazidone and lithium i understand your loathing, They leave me feeling as something other than myself , When i was in y manic phase sex was something i actually needed or it hurt> Getting my husband to act as the local social conventions wanted was the reason i could not Have sex with him.
I felt that he was always trying to bring the local social structure to its knees It was not just because they had less seniority but they were also dealers in cocain and other drugs . A real pet hatred of his and I said it really was not his business what they did on that job he just needed to back off. He Refused telling me to take his pimp father and my tramp self and both of us could step in front of a high speed semi> I did not get the deal that I was expected to get from him and He forced them to try and back him off through intimidation, They failed the next morning not expecting, him to come out with even harder refusal to the way they wanted. He left four very badly mauled men in front of our house the next morning and me with a broken ankle for locking him out of the house to hear those men out.
His Father and Many felt my husband was not going to get away with his defiance to the agenda they had and started using harsher ways to keep him from what he was demanding It eventually earned him a nickname the retaliation and left grown men crying when they had to try and deal with him Christmas 2003 it was thought o0ur deacon came up with the perfect plan by claiming Religious need over my husbands refusal to work the 2003 down week My Husband Decided he was going to Ruin his life in response to making him work both the Ireland vacation and The holidays, I told him before the Ireland trip if he wanted to go he could have just taken our offer in 2001. He would have been rewarded with that time off and Even a sex life and holidays but he had to tell all of us to drop dead then try and cause us to do so. The Police showed up at our house as a friend was having his face beaten when he was stopping my husband from hurting me to get my boarding pass He had told me he was not to be told he had to do anything for a reward but i had to look to him for a reward as a true wife and not a whore We had taken his rights from us and if we did not stop he might take my life from me and any one that still stood in his way In 2006 i went to stay at his fathers 4 days before we were to Leave For Copenhagun Denmark His Passport was Still locked in his fathers safe deposit box and he came over and put his fist6 through the front door demanding it back He was throwing his father around yelling give his passport back when police came and Said He would get it back Just stop hurting people and just please stop trying to get his way over our dead bodies Thi9ngs would eventually work out huis way with patience We were arraigned even after I pleaded with my husband that we would never stop hi9m from what he wanted and was due from then on we were requuied to Sign the Check over as restitution and after pleading no contest the judge in the next county sentenced us to seven years, since we had returned the money our sentence was reduced to a year. I was lead out in Cuffs asking why couldn’t he just show some love and patience to his fellow man He said we had never done any of that for him I was On Laundry In The Jail the next two months and released for overcrowding and good behavior just before labor day. My husband had cleaned the accounts out and changed the locks then had gone someplace we could not get to him His Union Minister got us in to see him the day after labor day and He had been told what i needed, He had it ready but hardly would talk three words to us.
He left looking white. in pain and with our going out of the plant being jeered and booed One man said he would have killed me decades before if i had done him like my husband was done. It was The union Skilled trades moral representative.
Latter that Fall I was trying to get someone to get my husband to come home so we could all sit down as a family and decide what the holidays would bring since he was supposed to be home , The Union and Company had already said lesser seniority was working or they could look for another job.
I was planning for his participation in the thanksgiving and Christmas holidays and we had already started hearing of the problems other people had with working. Like the need for their children to have them home, their first holidays as a married couple I was asked if I remembered how it was My first Christmnas as a wife, It was the most lonely time in my life, My husband was 150 feet under the surface Atlantic ocean. I was at my mothers in Virginia. I Thought after my husbands return just a couple of years to let things shake out. They never did and everything went as i said from bad to worse with my husband listening to nothing or trying to do any thing that was agreeable to any one.
After his Return From three years of rehab in 2003 there had been so many hateful things exchanged, from not signing him out of rehab for the holidays. HIs father for three years said It was just to much of an imposition to go get him and take him back He was the only one besides a nurse in the rehab, everyone else was with their families for thanksgiving and Christmas. This was every year for three years in 2012 It was apparent that he was coming home to puck up where he left off in 2009, He was saying how he was going to do what he wanted and he was no longer letting any thing we wanted stand in his way> That that year was the last vacation I would go someplace without him. I was going To Isrieal in 2012, his father started yelling he was not going to impose himself on any thing he had not been a part of in 40 in years. he would just have to do as he was ordered and like it from the day he came home as a cripple. I ran for the nurses station when i saw how angry he instantly became withy that remark. We had to step over his father who was laid out with a stainless steel bed pan that was thrown at him for that remark The nurse sedated him and told us to get out and don’t come back.
Eight months latter He’s home and again i was not there to greet him. I paid with the man i was with the night before He paid with nearly every bone above his chest methoidically broken, I was made to watch as my husband beat him to a pulp for the sweeping of his cane and then being laughed at and called pathetic. My husband I think took a lot of pleasure in nearly killing him and wished his father was there to do the same.
Nothing My husband does any more is a way to peace unless he gets his way. any one that gets in his way now he just says kill him if we don’t like his doing as he wants.
His therapists all say we abused him for so long he will not back off any thing.
I met my husband while in high school, together for 25 years with 2 close to grown children. He is my soul mate, I would never want to leave him, we have so much together that brings us so much happiness and joy on a daily basis. But over the years, his sex drive has been going down, we have sex maybe 2-3 times a month, he is just not interested at all. I have been very open and we talk about this a lot, cause I would like it 2-3 times a week. I let him know that I feel so alone, rejected, and put on a shelf to collect dust and cobwebs. It’s just not fair for me to not have the opportunity to grow and explore sexuality.
I asked for an open relationship and he is not having it at all, won’t even consider it! After several attempts and many years, I am now 41, I am beginning to feel like I am going to my grave so empty and deprived inside, like I have missed out on some of the best times in life sexually, soon, sex won’t even be an option or a desire I’ll have due to age. I want to be free to explore things my husband won’t do, but the only way to do this would be to divorce or cheat, suffering is not an option anymore, too many years of that have gone by and I am not getting any younger!!
I feel like divorce is not an option either, we have great joy in reminiscing over our lives, where we have been and what we have accomplished along the way and that brings us so much joy and happiness and enriches our lives and the lives of those around us, friends and family! Outside of sex, we grow as individuals and as a family unit just fine and make a great team in life progressing professionally. Our goals and dreams are aligned and we work our asses off to better our family daily!
I feel like several factors have played into his refusal of my sexual advances:
* Being a parent, family man, and not being able to look at his wife as a sexual being, but instead, as just a mother and wife.
* Curiosities about same sex stimulation, I think many men have these curiosities and it messes with them mentally, either they act on it or divulge in gay porn
* Addiction to porn and/or jacking off
* Medical Conditions such as low sex drive, he is older and it has been going down over the years, he has high blood pressure and takes medication, he also has low Vitamin D and takes supplements, he may have some ED issues as well
* Sexual advances from other woman and him acting on those or seeking out other women for comfort when he is angry and/or depressed
* His ADHD doesn’t allow him to process issues normally, he is quick to anger, depression, and feeling disrespected that causes his to retreat
* He was self raised, came from drug infested household where neglect, torture, and narcissism ruled, and he lost his mother at the age of 7 from drugs, growing up in foster care
* I make more money and I control all the money, he is not interested in paying bills at all, this immaculateness him
* He is a control freak and sex is his way of controlling me, where he otherwise can’t control me as I am more educated and he is more vocational
Knowing all of this, I feel like finding another married man on the side who is also in a sexless marriage might be the best option for discrete and safe sexual exploration so that I can feel fullfilled as a person! In this scenario, my needs are met and fulfilled without having to pressure my husband for sex. The only downside would be if he found out and the ramifications of that! Also my loyalty would be tarnished, I would become a liar and a cheater, and I question if I could live with and deal with that myself!
Uggggg….Calgon, take me away…lol Who would have thought that having great uninhibited sex could be so difficult of a task!! For now, my Lelo Soraya will suffice, but Ashley Madison is soooo intriguing 😉
Sexually Stifled
I know how you feel and long for all the same things you describe. It hurts to be in a 20 year deal and wondering if you should have checked out 10 years ago. For me raising our kids has been the only reason to not divorce. The feeling of an unfulfilled desires really hurt , when you know that other people get it all the time. I hope to find resolution to mine someday
I have been married 25 years. We have been off and on for the past 6 yrs. I moved back in witth him 2 yrs ago. He can’t get a hard on.he won’t go to a dr. He doesn’t say he loves me. We sleep in a bed 2gether. He doesn’t sshow me any love attenion. Nothing…im53 he is 61…I find myself wondering just what the hell am I doing..what do I want out of life? Do I want to stay in this marriage. I’m so lonely. I just want to be loved. And held. And well ….I need sex. Period.. I don’t want to cheat but he is leaving me no choice. …
I k ow how you feel I’m experiencing the something I’ve been married for 20 years and I can say the last 17 have been complaining about Sex and recently this last two years it has been almost sexless we might have had sex 5 times in the last two years I really I’m tires of living like this he is a good provider but a bad husband we have no sex at all I’m so sick of dealing with thi I wanna leave but financially I can’t afford it being I came out of work to take care of his father 15 years ago I really don’t k ow what to do I think about cheating all the time am I wrong
Stephanie,
I am in a similar situation. I’ve been married 16 years and sex dwindled after my son was born 14 years ago. It’s now been almost 6 years since we’ve had sex or been intimate. We have a great relationship otherwise and I keep weighing our friendship relationship versus our intimate relationship. I’ve asked for an open marriage but he doesn’t want that. I feel he can’t have it both ways. He can’t give me an explanation about why he can’t or won’t have sex. Being tired, losing a job, seeing birth, feeling rejected when he was a stay at home dad 11 years ago. There is always an excuse. I’ve contemplated cheating, but now I’m trying to find out if no sex for so long is grounds for divorce. We don’t sleep in the same room.he also has sleep issues but won’t get help. I think he’s asexual and just want to find out. I’m afraid to lose my best friend, but I also need more than he is giving. Any suggestions?
Stephanie,
I would assume the divorce law is the same in the US as the UK. No sex or demonstrative affection is grounds for divorce. It comes under the heading of abandonment.
I am in a similar situation. My wife refuses sex every time. I found out the official definition of a no-sex marriage is 2 or less times a year here. I’ve been married 39 years and it’s been this way for 27 of those. Stupidly I have stuck to my vows. Until recently , that is. It has caused me to attempt suicide twice unsuccessfully, had to have depression and anxiety counselling etc, etc. And I still have no self esteem, feel worthless and unattractive and at 62 I admit I am panicking.
So, she went off abroad on a fantastic holiday with one of our daughters and I felt abandoned. I plucked up the courage, got bloody-minded and found a nice older sex worker and booked in for an hour. Whoa, is this what I’ve been missing? Yes it was. and do you know what? No feelings of guilt, remorse, or regret. I haven’t let myself down. The unexpected thing was that I managed it and I felt wonderful. For three days there was no depression, I was smiling etc. All the things that are a dead giveaway when you have proper sex, (Albeit without love). I booked in for STD testing and am now waiting for the final results. You guessed it, no reason to worry as not the remotest chance of sex since she got back. Although I hate her for what she’s done to me and us over the years I don’t want to pass anything nasty on. I still love her and wish I could do all the things with her that I did in the hour with the sex worker. Interestingly I had ED problems with my wife anyway but with the sex worker I was rock-hard for an hour, and repeated.
Should you cheat? Well, I went to a sex worker because I wanted to prove to myself I could still perform and wanted someone who knew what she was doing but no danger of starting a relationship. I think it was the start of me considering actual divorce. My Marriage is both mentally and physically abusive with me being the victim. (No pride in saying that, by the way).
In a way you need to cheat to make you aware of exactly what you’re missing. You think you know but only that will affirm it. Do you want to though, is another matter. It’s a massive thing for those of us in this situation to make the decision to quit. I’m not quite there yet. I want a frank , open, and honest conversation with her to make sure I’ve not missed something but time is passing me by too fast and I don’t want to go to my grave feeling I wasted my entire life. Needless to say she won’t enter into any discussion about it and accuses me of being whiny! What’s whiny about wanting to make love to the person you love more than anything in the whole world? I have two beautiful Daughters and I really only worry I’ll hurt them, but they are grown with there own lives now.
Hope this helps!
How do relationships that start out so beautifully and with such love, expectation, anticipation and goodwill sometimes, often, become so toxic? In some cases this change happens not long into the relationship, while others take a considerable time. I am sure people entering into relationships do so believing that theirs will be different to all those other ones that fail. I can not believe any sensible person would embark on such a journey not caring if the partnership fails. So what goes wrong? One could be forgiven for believing that the percentage of marriages that survive till the death of one partner is quite small, I wonder what the figure actually is.
I am sure all would agree, sex in the early stages of a relationship, then marriage is bliss, there is nothing like it. Were this not the case then surely it would be a warning sign that trouble lies not far ahead. If sex is not satisfying at this time it`s unlikely to improve, me thinks. I think great emphasis is placed on the importance of hot passionate sex, we have the expectation that unless it is then there must be something wrong. Woody Allen is quoted as having once said, probably more than once, when asked if sex was dirty, replied, “Only if it`s done right” To keep sex hot and passionate takes work. If we slack off, the quality is likely to slide as well. We assume that sex is something that comes naturally, that nothing needs to be taught, hell this is the most fun it`s humanly possible to have who needs a degree. Well I would suggest It is very easy to do sex, it`s not easy to do very well. looking back, I was hopeless, we, my wife as well, we both were hopeless. I`ll tell you how hopeless, on our wedding night, I really was looking forward to that, we went to the bridal bed as virgins and we woke up the next morning still virgins, not for any religious reasons, we hadn`t had too much to drink, not for any perverted reason, simply because it was our first attempt and we were incompetent, sad story but true. I can laugh about it now. That was back in February 1972. I just turned 70 recently, my wife turns 66 this October. All through our married life we never fought, never argued, we did disagree from time to time, nothing serious. We seemed to get along fine as a team. Three children came along eventually. All seemed fine, it wasn`t. We know now the mistake we made, we did not communicate with one another. I am not talking about the things that keep a household functioning, there was always plenty of that happening of course, it has to or things fall in a heap very quickly. That`s the easy stuff, the hard bits, and this is the really important stuff, is getting inside the head of your mate. Make it your business to know what it is that really matters to that person. Their hopes, fears, dreams, desires, the things they like/love, the things they dislike, the irritants even when those involve moi, particularly when they involve moi. Even minor irritants, if left unaddressed can turn into major issues at which stage it can be difficult to draw them to the attention of the partner without sounding negatively critical. It is best to nip such things in the bud early than late before real damage can occur. We never did any of this, our mistake. No one ever suggested it to us, our relationship seemed fine, why fix something that aint broke? Well the fact is it can become broke over time. All through our married life, intimacy was always, always initiated by me. If I didn`t initiate, nothing happened. I was never denied sex without good reason, for example after childbirth or if she was unwell. I can never say denying me sex was a weapon she used. I will say she was never very adventurous. She seemed only to like very ordinary sex while I was keen to try new things. We never discussed these matters, I guess we both felt awkward and still do talking about such things. Big mistake. By not communicating clearly what she liked and did not like and the same for me, meant we could not meet the needs of each other. This I have to say frustrated me. Further to this, as mentioned earlier I was the one initiating all sexual activity and it was beginning to dawn on me that she was not enjoying sex, again this is what I sensed, it was not directly communicated to me. I interpreted this as being “obligation sex” though I knew nothing of the term at the time. I concluded that my wife was engaging in sex with me because she felt an obligation to, by virtue of our marriage, conjugal rights. This revelation came to me around 2000 or 2001 I am not sure which year it was exactly, certainly not later than 2001. I reasoned that if my wife was only engaging in sex to satisfy my carnal wants and not because it was benefiting her then this was sex that was not worth having. It is important to me that we both get the same enjoyment from the activity. This being the case there was only one course of action to take, cease and desist. I would no longer initiate sexual activity. It was my reasoning that if I was incorrect in my assessment, that is she did enjoy our sex activity then she would let me know, eventually. I mean to this point, sex was happening, I think two or three times a week. So I reasoned that after a few weeks she would inquire as to why sex was off the agenda and we would have a discussion about it. Well weeks went by, months went by, nothing not a word. I had expected questions as to why we weren`t sexually active anymore. I concluded that my suspicions were correct and that she was relieved that hubby was finally over sex, at last, thank God for that, thought I was going to have to please him till one of us croaked. Well folks as I said that was back in 2000 or 2001 we have not had sex since that time. Some will be wondering why I did not speak directly to her about it rather than conduct this test. Well the answer is this, I was concerned that if I raised with her my suspicions that she was providing “obligation sex”, then she might deny it, tell me that it was nonsense and continue on as usual. I wanted to know her honest untainted feelings. I want to say that it is my belief that were I to continue insisting on my conjugal rights, knowing/believing that my wife is not a very happy participant, then I regard that to be rape in marriage and in good conscience I will not do that. That being said, I am here to tell you that our marriage is not in a good state. I feel unloved, undesired and emasculated. I feel resentment, I feel like I have been used, for maybe 44 plus years, was I just convenient to provide the means for her to have our children. I feel that possibly she never loved me from the start. Her need to produce children is what drove her. This year we have been to marriage counselling in an attempt to bring it back from the brink. That is where I learnt that our big mistake was not communicating. So where to from here, I feel at our stage divorce is less of an option, for financial reasons, so we just live under the same roof as we always have done. We sleep in the same bed, sleeping is all we do we don`t touch, we observe the usual courtesies, very civil, she more civil to me I have to say. I am very hurt by these events, I miss very much not just the sex but the comfort that comes from embracing someone you love. It is obvious that my wife is self contained, self sufficient that I am superfluous. I feel like the male spider that after copulation the female spider eats him. I never wanted our relationship to travel this road, I wanted nothing more than to worship and love her till one of us died. It is hard not to become bitter and twisted, I have to admit that I would not rule out having a relationship with a lady that might have similar needs to me, since I can not envisage any change of attitude in my wife. In saying that, I would not feel that I would be cheating on my wife since she obviously has no wish to be intimate with me, if you understand what I am saying. I would feel obliged to tell my wife. More than 44 years together and that is what it has come down to.
My husband and I started out having sex a little less than I was used to, but it was enough and when I asked him he did bother to satisfy me, which quite a few men do not even consider. So we were happy enough. Then a few years went by, and the sex diminished to once every two months, then three, then six, and then twice a year only after discussions, arguments, anger, and no response. I tried talking to him sweetly and honestly, but he was not into that. He started gaslighting me, twisting my words, accusing me of things that were not true–anything to detract from the problem. I wondered if he was gay, but if so I am pretty sure he doesn’t know at 57, and maybe he is just asexual. IMO he has some odd ideas about sex, maybe connected with his religious upbringing, although he is a bar kind of guy and not a religious one. I felt ashamed and shamed by him for wanting sex. We have been together since 1998 and dealt with these problems since about 2005, so this is an 11-year problem. I started hating the thought of having sex with him, because clearly he didn’t want me. Then I hated having him spritely come up and touch me or kiss me because he meant none of it. It was just a tool for manipulation. Sex never resulted.
So without meaning to, I developed a horrible crush on another man, who is single and nice. He is my friend, and we have written to each other thousands of mails over 3 years and we are in the same organization in a leadership role, but that is never going to lead to anything other than friendship, since we haven’t already crossed the line.
So my husband and I do all kinds of things separately, so I went to a convention in another city in June, went out to a piano bar that I know in that city, and met a really nice guy at the bar, who started coming onto me right away. He was smart, attractive, and totally safe in that he lives across the country from me. He was just flirting and patting me on the but, so he was really shocked when he got beyond first base to my hotel room. The sex was passable, and I was exhausted from 18 hours or so of work at the convention, and I had to push him out the door to walk to his hotel room at 3 a.m., but regrets? No, not a one. I wouldn’t even think about regretting such a thing anymore. I just want to find someone close to home that I really care for, who will take care of my needs and accept me as a married woman. If it really works out, who knows what could happen to Mr. Asexual. I’ve already stated in public with him and a male friend that I would like to be single again. Mr. Asexual said he would be terrified by the thought of being single again. He is 60, and I am 65. So last night when I asked for sex nicely (yes, as the woman I have to ask), he did finally give me sex. I feel better today, but how long that will last I don’t know. If I have to wait six months again, I’m going to be angrier than ever, and that is his pattern. He often goes back to the way things were before.
Why should I pay the economic price for a divorce at this age? No. If things don’t improve for real, I will have an affair, and who knows? Maybe he would be okay with it just to take him off the hook. That in itself angers me even more.
Matt S – thanks for sharing your story. It has wisdom that I will heed.
Yes, I have been married 48 years and noticed a change in my husband. I started picking up on texts from another woman, ever time I called him on it he lied. He went out of town once month and Saw her frequently, while playing ball. I finally caught. I still don’t trust him but what hurts me is that he shows me no intimacy and sex. Says we’re on same page but gets angry anytime I bring it up. I’m in limbo. It’s either divorce, cheat, or suck it up.Ann
There is one reason that when a husband is in a sexless marriage he can be kept in it. I am bi polar and was when he got out of the navy after 3 and a half years under water. The state did not want him to ever dump me on them to support. So They hit him with a guardianship his second day home that made a divorce so expensive he could have had millions and still been relegated to living in a cardboard box to pay my way.
I left him sexless with promises that his cooperation was the only way he would ever have a family, I was the carrot dangling out in front of him as the reward if he just kept cooperating with everyone. In November 2001 i was on my knees begging him to cooperate just one klast time and the sex life he wanted, the time off he wanted, the vacations he wanted and he could choose a new position off the next bid list that went up in 2 weeks, All He had to do was back off the one he was taking that next monday. Just let it go to the four that had better social and political connections. I Had told him the lasrt 16 years that if he would just consider only the times we dictated in from The Begining of January to Valentines day. We could make up holiday times with his personal time and use his vacation for some thing that nobody else wanted to do. We could figure out something interesting for him then instead of getting in the way of honeymoons and weddings, Family needs, Even Social needs needed to be considered before his. That why he should not consider the UAW ciotracty and seniority as written by gods finger. He started punishing everybody on November 6th 2001 after i had offered everything he wanted after sixteen years, He told me he wanted a wife that did not blackmail him with her body and break every promise made. I was at a looss that day to back him off a job bid in favor of for others with far less seniority but higher social needs. I never thought that the Rage created over the dictation by me and his father would spawn 35 men badly hurt. It was just time he could have considered when we wanted, I watched that morning as he reduced four men to critical care pateint’s in his defiance taking the new job, and the start of his not caring who he hurt the next twelve years taking his rights, To me 2009 was the worst I was arranging with his unions help to get him five weeks vacation On St Croix starting on January second . His father and i had caskhed his reservations in to lert a man with 2 years to his 34 years seniority go with his four month pregnant bride on The Express as their honey moon. I was holding a 6354 dollar check to give him at his work gate Christmas day with the first vacation that any one knew of since his sophmore year of high school He had been violent the last eleven years the last Christmas in 2008 forcing two men out of the back of his fathers car at 45 mph on asphalt trying to get him into work and choking his father unconsious with another man hitting on the hood of the car from inside, He was just not being in the least cooperative with any thing he had not since 2001, Things were deadly by that point all because he wanted it his way.
I knew on that May morning 2009 he had not had a day off other than one six day surgical recovery, since 1981. It was a situation I was not able to deal with when he threw me across the TSA office that morning when I was trying to explain it was only seven months until we had a surprise for him in 8 months he did not have to have that slot that someone else needed so bad to get a decent start on their life. Ours got off to a terrible stare so why begrudge them. He also had to have his fingers pried of his fathers throat and it took seven men to hold him from killing us over something as stupid as his vacation right.
Three years latter he had let himself get so depresed over this stupidity that in October 2009 he became ill after compromising his immune system with MRSA He lost the feeling in his legs after MRSA ate up the Disks in his spine causing a slip crushing and partialy severing his spinal cord. I have repeatedly had to beg forgivness since his return home from Rehab in 2013, That keeping him sexless that way was not meant. It just happened because he defied those in more needful positions. Within two weeks of his return he had just about killed an old Boy Friend I had been seeing the last year he was in rehab after we found out that he was going to remain defiant, knocking his father out one night with a bed pan to the face in 2012. I Had promised six months before he was out of Rehab and a strees center that i would go to an Invitation only event with his mother, father and his fathers best friend, it was only going to be four hours out and back, when the center sent him home by taxi. I walked out of the bedroon straight into his chest and i did not even gert the first word out before starting to beg plead and cry to pick a place to meet after the event and we could try and sort through the Grievances he had.
We could arrange a time table to allow his inclusion over a few years. HE anounced that we allowed him nothing, he was rthe only judge and arbitor in what he was allowed in his house and he was not going to ber promised any thing or compromise another right for me or any one else That i was going to be the wife he expected 31 yearts before and he was not going to let me say no after i let o0ther men have what was supposed to be his., I tried running in Terror for the door to scream for help since he was in front of the phones. When He shredded a new 1200 dollar cocktail dress saying i was not wearing any thing to be on the arm of any one else that he had paid for. I was trying to cover myself begging things did not have to be this way in anger and rage. When he forced me to the floor and had his way. I got up a while later hurting and bleeding a little because I tried clamping and fighting back, He was going to go on to hurt his fathers friend that evening, By throwing him at his arriving fathers windshield off the porch His father got stopped to quik and his friend slammed face first in the ice and concrete.
As of his mothers funeral last June i have had to come to grips hes not going to be peaceful about any thing concerning his rights, and worry he will kill someone if interfered with. Hes broken hisv fathers jaw, and a year latter his neck, At the funneral his sister at his fathers urging tried to arrange for a private service after the main one and we walked into a very scared group after my husband slammed a good family friend off walls and concrete after breaking his arm in four places for daring to try and tell him to come back latter, If the friend had just listened and not laid a hand on him to keep him out we might have got him to listen, as it was he told his father siting with his brother and sister the first word there would be another funeral that week, his fathers. He has hurt friends trying to take CPS Custody from the state we used to live using a ax handle on them. We live 1230 miles west of where the order was issued.
I said I don’t know where to turn now. Things have beco0me move and counter move with my husband coming out on top, legaly, theres nothing any one can do.
Cathy,
That is one nonsensical , crazy-ass story that doesn’t even make any coherent sense! I’m not even sure what story you’re trying to tell! It only vaguely relates to the issue being discussed here. The fact that no one even replied or mentioned it indicates that everyone in the room is trying to pretend the crazy lady didn’t just say all that shit! Yes, they’re being polite, if we were sitting face to face I would also be polite and not call you out on your crazy, because you would make me feel so awkward I would just want to get away. Good night everybody! I’ll be here all week!
Twitter: OMGchronicles
says:
Hey Bobby, there actually is someone here, me. I decide to approve or not every comment on my website. I’d prefer to let people tell their stories in what they can feel is a safe place, and hopefully received with kindness, and with no judgment or shaming. If you can’t help Cally, that’s fine; then there’s no need to respond. We just don’t know anyone else’s problems except we can assume we’re all a bit walking wounded.
Bobby when I met my husband he was going into trident Missle fire control computers on trident submarines and trident Back Fits He worked on Rockets that had the potential to reduce 8 different targets over 4000 miles away into radioactive holes in the ground with each rocket. This whole group was dour with their noses in books studying and its the closest thing to rocket science as any body knows. He had servedin the army Five years before we met as a Battlefeild intelligence Analyst and communications repair He also had his air born wings and air assault When we met he had been out of the army for the time Between 1976 to 1979 during which he worked in a big Three auto manufacturers transmission plant as a Machine operator Making transmission parts. He also Served in the state Guard during this time.
When Hesaw that the Economy was going to tank in the 1980 recession the week before his seniority was due to be laid off he left on military leave to the navy We met seven months later and married a year a and three months after that in January 1982. We could not catch a break with the navy making him board a Greyhound COD to Jaxsonville and replacing one of five crewmen that were busted in a drug test going to sea the net morning out of Kings Bay. That was the wedding night he was forced to give up due to the needs of the navy.
I am not going to say my husband is any thing but brilliant at times. He threw himself into Qualifications that first patrol earning his dolphins and Missile Control Center Technician before the boat returned. Then the real Needs of the navy kicked in Another boat going out the day of crew turnover lost a crewman to appendacitus. He was my husbands rating and they were getting ready to sail. I watched as he crossed to the out bound boat to take the mans place. He was just the lowest rank with the highest qualifications, Six months later He was loaded on another boat that had a man miss movement. And another six months gone. I was hoping when the crew bus pulled in that he was spending the next 30 days with me on leave and I had thousands saved for the off crew and hopefull honey moon that we had not had a chance for yet when a New Seahawk started spooling up One of the other wives said that was not a good sign for one of us. I saw His CO And XO come out of group head quarters with an ordered packet and stop my husband as he climbed off the bus they Grabbed his Seabag and bum rushed him to the seahawk that lifted as soon as he was aboard I started the first affair the next evening with an Air force officer. He was the brother of one of the crew wives ( months later I had my first bi polar manic episodeputing me first in a South Carolina mental hospital until my mother came to get me 30 days later and I went to Norfolk With her for a year. I went to the Midwest a yea latter with my husbands mother and father after getting my husbands flat no. He was going to get out and go back to the plant in seven months.
This was not the answer his father or the community wanted In the last two years the Workforce had grown from 4200 people to 7500. When My husband returned with his Honorable Discharge Under The National UAW contract He was coming back with seniority that had accrued even while he served. He was returning with about 160 other men and women to more seniority than 60 percent of the work force He was higher than 4200 people on the seniority list which by contract gave him The right to Switch shifts, Take better jobs, Take or refuse weekend overtime as he chose if it was not 100 percent. the same with holidays and he had his choice of Vacation slots after he went over ten years was three weeks with 12 days personel time. The way these Men And women with seniority saw that contract You would have thought it came down From Mount Sianai written by the finger of god Two years after my husband came home I had kept him from disrupting area lives for two years by using the promise we could start a sex life two years after he returned if he just left the idea he had an automatic right because of the contract. Just 2 years to let the are settle Then we could start a family without animositys. Two Years latter I am promising if he let a young couple have his vacation slot to go to Rome on the trip my husband wanted and get married, That upon our return I would Start the sex life, let him have the three weeks he had coming and even take his personal time of 12 days.
We went to Rome Had the wedding and We talked about the vacation I had promised my husband as the real start of our marriage. We decided that The best time for him to take three weeks and not impact other vacations was from the end of the Christmas shutdown to Valentines day. We flew into hell on earth He was not waiting six more months, He was leaving the day we flew in for a western Road trip[ four three to four weeks with some of his personel time and He really was not going to listen to any one about the winter vacations. I was Thinking tropical island and romantic beach cabanas. He was thinking if he could not find a vacancy then we had a tent sleeping bags and foam mats.
By 40 minuts after stepping of the plane I had a one way ticket in my hand by bus to Virginia. and my mothers, a copy of a divorce filing he was sending in the next Monday, The savings account minus what he planed to use on his Road trip vacation, His father got into his good old boys club and got a court order placed on my husband to keep him from going to work all hours offered. I was returned two years latter when the judge declared the divorce petition moot, but kept the order on my husband and expanded it to include those that his father and friends deemed mal contents, Usually ex military. All were my husbands friends.
In 2000 he was going to defy this order and go to Bavaria with me for the Millinials in Munich We had to have him jailed until we were in the air on December 23 1999. then escorted to work. We came back with the hope on his 45th birthday January the 5th 2000 that we could wipe the last 15 years out of memory and start with a clean slate in the new century and year. We hoped he would just let every resentment go Including the last two weeks. I had with his mother bought a clock for his Christmas/ birthday/ peace offering gift I was going to Suggest that july for his. Any place he wanted for the first vacation since 1978. He was letting nothing go , My gift for Christmas was a foot square box of dog sh** telling me that was what our marriage was worth after 19 years. His mother and fathers gift was even more horrible It included a wagon wheel with Rawhide straps set up in the front yard with the sign that that evening the community needed to come see the uppity slave get publicly whipped for his defiance There was also a 2000 dollar cleanup needed His mother was Taken was crying that she had given birth to him 45 years before had we turned him so much against us he would be this petty about it. The Next nine years was violence. They would force my husband and he would ambush them latter beating them into the ground in revenge. @003 Was a different revenge. My husband refused the down week in the canvas, The One That was to be forced was our church deacon claiming religous need but he used his church office to get my husband forced to work again. He did have one hobby. Photographing things he found interesting when he went to and from work. He had photographed the deacon the previous summer when the deacons wife was at a Church Conference. going into a motel with another woman He used a 175 MM lens and photographed it. He Was Late getting home after the sixteen hour day Christmas eve He got up at 530 Christmas morning made coffee and poured a bowl of rice chex for his breakfast and I wished him a merry Christmas and told him we would meet hi at around seven that night at his gate. He said whats so merry just another stinking day at work without a home life or any thing but work in his future. and He walked out the door. His father picked me up at about Eight For breakfast and church then gift opening after. At least it was not the same as 2000 it was a Wedgewood tea set. We went to church and the pastor said he needs a long conference after his talk with my husband at midnight the night before. then the deacon stopped and said tell my husband better luck next year. How long had it been since a Christmas off 1981, 22 years before. Him and his church secretary wife put their three children into the front pew And went to their seats on the dias where his wife found a manila Envelope She opened it and looked at the pictures inside burst into tears.
Left The dias and collected their children, The deacon looked down and saw the pictures and went after her telling her he could explain. She told Him To stay someplace else till the new year He went home after the first to an empty house without kids or wife she had Moved home to her fathers 1400 miles away in El Paso. The deacon started drinking and using pot as well as missed alot of work. He was dismissed by the church board> On Christmas eve 2005one week after his divorce was final he pulled up in front of the church , Put a slug gun under his chin and pushed the trigger. My husbands anger over having to work had in a way killed this man, MY husband did not care. His wife married pastor this year, In Callifornia, I got the invite. I feel so bad for those three kids. They are now adults. One the son Is A marine One of the girls Is Army and nobody knows what the other is doing. She was last heard from In Seatle.
I tried for decades to keep my husband from taking what he wanted in time, holidays vacations, shifts, and jobs Just to ensure Happyness in the community I became a part of. The hope that Life could be done without conflict is no longer a dream, I dream My husbands going to get interfered with and somebody dies for it, Its actually a nightmare. .
I never meant for life to be like this, wanted everything other women had like children and a loving home for the most part. But as the years went on and The more resentment my husband built. I did not want my husband to hate his father so bad he wants him dead at his feet, and I certainly did not want him beating people into the floor as he’s done to keep any rights he has.
I don’t know where you wrote this before, but I remember reading this long ago. Seems like at least a year or more, but I had the same thought then as I do now. Maybe it’s not coming out right, but I don’t know how he has lived that long being so controlled. I don’t understand why you and his father feel like you decide on when he can and can’t take his vacations?!? Now sure as a married couple this should be a joint decision when possible, but withholding sex and love and forcing him to do things is horrible. THAT is why he has reacted the way he has… And I can’t say that I blame him if I am reading this right. You withhold sex from him, but give it to another… That would make any spouse livid! I don’t get it. And along those lines, anyone who is considering cheating- don’t. That’s not right or fair!!! (And believe me I understand how it feels as I am living in the situation of being constantly rejected) however, refusing sex for long durations – not just sometimes – obviously, is grounds for divorce if you want to go that route. However, cheating is wrong- period. Don’t gkanorize it or try to make it out to be ok. It’s not. But while I do see your husband has some issues, if I sm reading this right it seems as most of them was brought on my you trying to control him by withholding sex. That makes me want to cry, truthfully. It would have been more merciful to divorce him than what you described. And I don’t generally agree with divorce – hence the reason I am searching for answers as cheating is not ok and divorce isn’t really either which leaves me with no good choice and rather stick/ so I understand the feeling. I also understand what it’s like to have someone withhold sex from you to “punish” you for doing things they don’t like – or even thinfs you have no control over.! It’s horrible. It’s super sad, actually. All the way around.
I have been married for 23 years in the last 7 years it’s been practically sexless. My advances are rejected and it makes me feel worthless and unloved and very frustrated. We have tAlked about improving things but she is not interested she keeps brushing it off with I’m too tired. In the end I met so one in a similar situation on line and we have had great sex, secretly for over 12 months. We called an end to the affair because we were both upset about the lies we were telling to our families and ourselves, we remain distant friends. So I wrote to my wife to formally tell her of my unhappiness and the need for us to have an intimate relationship was paramount for the survival of our marriage. I have asked her to think of what she would like to do o spice things up and even if she is willing to? I see her in a few days to discuss things further with the hope of falling in love again and remaining together. If things don’t improve I’m moving out. I want to be in love with the woman I love and that means intimacy. If there is no way forward I’m moving out!
Steve: My husdand was somebody that cared nothing for the society he lived and had to work in. I was expected by his own familly and many who latter became good friends to try and get him to see to the needs of others in the community. So I used myself as the carrot on the stick to get him not to look at the UAW contract he worked under like it was gods finger that wrote it and at lrast understand that the seniority the contract gave him upon his return home from the navy was so very disruptibe in the community.
At first it was to get him slowed down and allow the society s time to accommodate his return. Tgen it became the only way to stop his defiance to the social order and its needs. After fifteen years back just when we were going to offer a preice offering whrn we Came back from Bavaria over the millinial he kicked the whole family in the teeth.
We returned on his birthday with a 1300 dollar clock with hope that the last 15 years of his anger and resentment would be forgotten with a fresh start in the new century. His offer to me personaly for getting him forced to work over the holiday with a court order again overriding his contract and making him stay and work instead of forcing younger seniority to work.
We just wanted to come back and give him his birthday; Christmas/ peace offering gift and ask since everyone else shot their vacation time over the milinials what he would consider a good vacation for his first since 1976 latter that spring or summer since he had been made to work.
For my Christmas gift he said it was my worth in the marriage since I was just a pile of it in his life, a box of dog sh**. I thought I had been unfairly considered just when we were going to call a halt to making him do anything, start letting him hsver the life he hasd wanted he caused a furor by insultiing everyone in the family with his idea of a demonstration of how he felt he was treated in the community, His mother and father had to pay 2000nfor the cleanup of their yard and had and he pointed out he felt like he was treated as a slave. then in 2001. I spent an afternoon offering everything he had wanted for sixteen year including a sex life begging him to give up on a job bid. Hr just about killed four men the next morning, refusing my offer of s normal marriage and life, in taking the new job he had showed that he would kill for his rights.
In 2009 he dislocated my shoulder and tried to strangle his father to death over our canceling his trip on the orient express. He went back and the young newly wed we did it fo came home to being terminated. We were arrested and had to serve time in county for acting as false agent. II was trying to see to many needs but my husband did not care for any needs but his own while we tried desperately for years to get him to just take times that would not conflict with bigger needs. Then in October 2009 he became ill with MRSA in his spine.
He came home after three years of complications and rehab. Yhis time was not even going to let any time to get used to hoew hr vame homr happen. I found myself standing node in the living room with him screaming he was not permiting another second of his life to be taken away from him and before I kept a promise I had made his father six months before I was going to keep the hundreds made to him. He raped me that evening.
Then started hurting friends of the family and threatened his father with his own demise if he did not get his nose out of his affairs. three times now his father interfered and [paid in pain the last being left in a hall with his neck broken.. One other time on memorial day 2014 my husband decided he was taking me himself for after dinner drinks uninvited to either stay for the cookout or the club he sent his father flying across the kitchen after he made the friend that was supposed to take me run for his life.
My husband shows he has no patience to at least listen to our side. There is nothing he will consider except what he wants. Any interference now gets violent response.
Steve,
You have decided and set foot on a path that nullified the I’ll treatment (or lack of treatment) of your wife towards you. Regretting after 12 months and coming back doesn’t make it noble. At least not noble enough for you to demand any response from your wife. Hope the guilt of promiscuity is enough to soothe your suffering of inadequacy and help you deal with the issue with more patience and care towards saving your marriage now. Good luck.
Dave: there are instances where that law can be by passed by the state. In my marriage the state assigned my husband a permanent guardianship unless he could get a close Relative like my mother or sister to take it. My mother is super religious, Said my husband swore for better or worse. She was sorry he was getting the worse and advised me that I had better stop listening to his father and my friends and make my husband happy when the judge threw out the divorce petition. he however did not release him from trhe order to work all offered hours. My husband stormed out of his court telling him he was another despot, and ran a kangaroo court that rigged the decision any way his father and his friends wanted. zFrom 1990 to 2001 he was kept under that order along with several other men that were considered mal contents in the community. All ex military. They worked while everyone else got the times they wanted off. it did not matter under the contract they had more seniority than people that were new hires. Since they were mostly in high school while my husband and these other men and women who served in hardships, isolation and conditions they would never think possible.
I was just looking to have a life of peace love and understanding like the sixty’s I was raised in. the try at keeping my husband and others like him started falling apart in 1999. when we went to Bavaria to celebrate the millinials. My husband and several of his frinds intended to do just as they pleased over the 13 day Christmas down week. four of them were jailed and escorted to work the next 13 days from December the 23 1999 tp when we came back on my husbands 45 birthday of January the fifth 2000. these men were basically taken by deputies out of jail om new years morning and were allowed a small celebration at one of the deputies homes before they were released on the second of January. One of then got into his cups and divulged something he saw in the evidence lockup, The judge come down and signed out two bags of seized drugs. The man that was on trial for them was let loose and the drugs never seen again, These men were so sick of his treatment of him they put a bug in the state judiciary reviews ear. The judge was taken off his bench by conservation officers and charged these men were let out from under that order and hung a multi million dollar lawsuit threat against the county. when we came back to offer my husband a peaceful alternative to that last week instead of hating us in what was beginning to be a total war with us.
I was willing to go with him on any vacation he choose latter that spring or summer. even offer the sex life he had been after for 15 years. I had a small affair with one of his coworkers in Bavaria just wanting to be4 desirable to any one instead of being yelled at that he had rights all the time now, Just a new start in the new century. When I ope4ned his gift to me for Christmas it was a total insult about the last 15 years of a box of dog excrement, Him and his friends set up a wagon wheel in his fathers yard complete with rawhide tie down straps, A whip hanging on the tree and a sign that said the community was free to come participate in the whippen of the uppity slave that day. See his blood was as red as theres. It hurt his mother to her soul, That he was not going to accept the peace we offered without total surrender to his rights.
In july he was stumbling and sick in 2001, the 31st he ended up in surgery Yo remove a brain tumor, When he came home it was under the understanding he was getting 2 months to recover. Within six days the assembly had shut down because my husband was the only operator on those machines for 16 years I guess the company figured they lost 700000 in each shut down. So his father and several coworketrs looking at their vacations being cancelled. Came over and pushed me out of the way to take my husband to work after only six days recovery I know one man lost most his teeth that day when my husband used a computer keyboard from his vic 20 hit the man edge on in the face. three moths later he was down to 186 5;$ inches of resentment and deciding her was taking something he was due. a new job in a brand hew plant that did not involve machining. but receiving and repair parts for the plant. Even after the venom of his 45 birthday he still would not just try and do thing in a way that would enable peace. I was on my knees beeging him the 5th of November to take a different bid in 2 weeks. Let four younger men in higher social position have the clean job. he could retire in four years if he wanted. We could get a vacation arrange imeadiatly and I would start a sex life with his agreement to back off. He basically wanted my death and told me he knew that I had scr*** another man.
The next morning all Iwas trying to do was get him to talk and avoid trouble in the community and remove his bid So I bolted him out of the house to deal with the men that wanted him and his friends to back off. He goaded those men into jumping him knowing their training in no way neared his in combat arts. he just about killed all four. I also suffered that morning when the door landed on me breaking my ankle. It was the first of four times that I was hurt.
In 2009 we were just trying to get him to wait se4ven moer moths for a vacation we arranged in midwinter We were taking one to europe at the rime on the orient express, the year before he had started attacking people forcing him into work so this time he had told me if I touched hizs passport and reservation numbers he would break both my arms. I let his father take them cancel his berth and hold his passport, I got the 6354 check to hold to give him at Christmas. He did nor break my arms he just about tore one off getting the check then he tried to strangle his father to death getting his passport back. Latter that year he was ill again with MRSA in his spine. his retirement consisted of a IV in a isolation room after new years. a large folder of time keeping and foremans notes of over three decades.
Three years latter I was sleeping with an old Boyfriend when he was in town. three years latter expecting a husband home in a wheel chair to take care of the rest of my life, he came home walking with a cane even though he had no nerve impulse below his upper legs. He trapped us one morning with the intention I was leaving with my AP. My AP did not think my crippled husband could be a danger and swept his cane dropping him on the floor. We found he was just as dangerous without legs as with putting my AP in a ICU. My husband in a stress center and a can of worms just opened. I found myself with his father getting a report of abuse of an adult filed against us.
My husband came home three days before we expected, on an evening I had promised to go to a dinner event with my husbands parents and his fathers best friend when they sent him home. That even was me trying to get him to meet us any where he wanted in four hours after the event. We could all sit and talk through the last 31 years and figure out how to let him have something in his life he felt we took from him. We just needed to talk through the last three decades. See with his disability what could happen now. He told me he was the only and final judge and arbiter of what he was allowed. We did not have a bloody thing to say. He said we stole 31 years of his life through force and blackmail. He told ne before I kept a promise to his father and mother I was going to keep hundreds that were broken to him starting with what he was due as my husband.
I took for the door in terror knowing that he was going to take from me something I was holding as the only card left in the deck the sex I had denied. He ripped every stich off me before two steps. I was crying and begging that it did not have to be this way. just let me cancel the event. We could all talk this through.
He said and what we promise wait two more tears then start again he was not having it.That was going to be the deal we were going to offer a reset to 1985 and do it right this time. I was backing away pleading that it did not have to be in anger. He raped me the next half hour crying and pleading no please. he was not protected. . I had my babv bump four months later at 48. turning 49. I delivered December 8th 2013, 9 months six days after that night.
Monday last week I am no longer getting help in controlling my husband. His father died. and his mother eight months before. Every one else is terrified that if they step in he will hurt them bad.
I personally think that you should cheat. You only have one life to live. You have to think for yourself and watch out for number one. There are ways to live with the guilt that are less damaging than living with the rejection. I am now looking for a married FWB myself as I am not sexually satisfied – my wife knows it – which is so painful for me to rationalize.
I agree… but only if you have done everything possible to engage your spouse to have an open, loving and sexual relationship. If they still reject you then go for it, but don’t pretend like you have done everything possible when you hint, yell and withdrawl affection yourself out of anger because you THINK you know what they are thinking. Tell your spouse, “I will have to do this if you won’t work on this with me.” I have been in a sexless marriage for almost 6 years now. Guess who the blame is on… yeah, me. I have wanted to fix this for years myself but (because of circumstances of life) I never had the courage to talk to my spouse about it. I deeply regret that I put those circumstances of life ahead the health of my marriage but you know what… my spouse did the same. For my spouse to think they have/had the right to cheat on me is unfair.
Everyone,
Callie has stated her husband has legal guardianship over her… i.e. there are ‘other’ issues here (mental health potentially)… Callie, I hope you get a counselor to talk to, might I suggest taking a visit to the VA/County hospital. It sounds as though there are multiple issues that need some professional assistance.
On another note, thank you everyone who has posted. Your stories and thoughts let me know I am not alone.
Thanks
Hi Neil,
How did things end up?
From a 55 guy in a sexless marriage here is my response to your list;
I feel like several factors have played into his refusal of my sexual advances:
* Being a parent, family man, and not being able to look at his wife as a sexual being, but instead, as just a mother and wife.
DOUBTFUL, WHEN MY WIFE WAS PREGNANT I WAS ESPECIALLY ATTRACTED TO HER AND SHE WAS MORE RESPONSIVE THAN EVER.
* Curiosities about same sex stimulation, I think many men have these curiosities and it messes with them mentally, either they act on it or divulge in gay porn
I DONT THINK THATS TRUE UNLESS THEY ARE IN PRISON
* Addiction to porn and/or jacking off
ONLY WHEN GETTING IT FROM THEIR WIFE IS SUCH A CHORE
* Medical Conditions such as low sex drive, he is older and it has been going down over the years, he has high blood pressure and takes medication, he also has low Vitamin D and takes supplements, he may have some ED issues as well
LACK OF SEX COULD CAUSE AS WELL AS BE CAUSED BY THOSE FACTORS
* Sexual advances from other woman and him acting on those or seeking out other women for comfort when he is angry and/or depressed
A DEFINITE POSSIBILITY
* His ADHD doesn’t allow him to process issues normally, he is quick to anger, depression, and feeling disrespected that causes his to retreat
* He was self raised, came from drug infested household where neglect, torture, and narcissism ruled, and he lost his mother at the age of 7 from drugs, growing up in foster care
* I make more money and I control all the money, he is not interested in paying bills at all, this immaculateness him
* He is a control freak and sex is his way of controlling me, where he otherwise can’t control me as I am more educated and he is more vocational
SOUNDS TO ME LIKE YOU ARE A MATCHED PAIR IN THAT RESPECT.
A question, what do you consider a sexual advance? Do you come right out and say it? I really want to know because a lot of us guys are oblivious. I’ve had women touch me on the thigh, the shoulders etc over the years or even seen my wife get mad while I just thought they were touchy feely women but didnt mean anything more than that, and to be honest I always liked it but it nevr went beyond that. Been married for nearly 30 years. My wife made more than me for a few years but it never made me feel bad, I doubt it bothers him either, it may immaculate him him but in your eyes, not his.
After re-reading this ridiculous litany of reasons the woman came up with to rationalize why her husband no longer has sexual interest in her she leaves out the most common reason men lose interest in their wives:
They wastefully spend their husbands’ money, cut their hair off, get fat, bitchy, and lazy and then can’t figure out why their husbands aren’t aroused by them any more, lol.
You guys out there please wise up. Marriage gives you NOTHING you can’t get without it. Staying single saves you from horror stories like the ones I am reading here. Just say no to marriage if you want to have a free and happy sex life and if you want to keep your hard earned money.
WOW! They cut their hair, without permission? Who are you, Tony Soprano? Fat & Bitchy VS Generic Asshole.
Sexually Stifled,
PLEASE understand “age” has NOTHING to do with sex!!!
I have been in a 12 of 14 years of NO SEX MARRIAGE as well. At 10 years I couldn’t take it and I DID cheat KNOWING I wanted an open marriage! My husband is pretty much a push-over and I DEMANDED an Open Marriage the day after I cheated on him! Now I am 54, post-menopausal, and am having relations with another married man/my lover, who is also in a sexless marriage! We LOVE being together and have been for a few years now!! Believe me, you are NEVER too old for sex!!!! He and I explore UNLIKE I EVER got to explore with my husband those FIRST VERY LIMITED 2 YEARS of sex together because HE was ALWAYS tired AND women’s wetness repulses him!!! That came out in our ONLY argument we’ve EVER had about no sex!
I am living a NEW LIFE!! Not only that, I am on a social website of ALL ages, and I get 20 yr olds wanting to have sex with us older women! We are called Cougars/MILFS! I CAN’T DO IT, not even ‘occasionally’, they are just too young! BUT . . . my lover, YES!!! I would have done it anyway because NEITHER my husband nor I are keeping our marriage vows by NEVER having sexual intimacy together anyway! Why allow my life to be ruined? I am NOT! Not even menopause has slowed my sexual desires down which is why I say you are NEVER to old for sex! (Just use a little lube before you see your lover, and he’ll be SO turned on you are ready just thinking of him! ONLY IF need be sometimes for that SMALL problem! It’s NOTHING after you are revved up!)
I wish ALL of you married people the BEST sexual enjoyment of your lives however you do it with another! Life is SHORT!!! LIVE YOUR LIVES!!!
NO! I have NO regrets! NONE! Not even guilt!
I met my now wife whilst in the army back in the 80’s, the only person I have ever had sex with.
During the early days like in most cases things were great, no excellent even fifteen years in to the marriage but then things changed.
We are both ill and having worked all our adult lives and both suffer back problems but to be honest this is a factor in our slowing sex life but by no means the full reason. I have put weight on as to be honest I used to be supper fit, I used to love running and would really still like to be able to do it. I ran six miles everyday as well as exercise, had a six pack with well defined muscles all over but not excessive like body builders, my wife who I still love has not really changed since we met at seventeen.
My wife went off physical contact around seven years ago and sex started to dribble from everyday, sometimes more to two or three times a week. I gave up initiating sex as I was fed up with the words, no, I am not in the mood, I am tired and more. By now sex was around once or twice a month if that and only when she was in the mood, I started to feel like a sex toy, put to one side till she was ready. Every time I tried to talk to her it would start a row or it was my fault.
Now after twenty seven years of marriage things are worse than ever. She blames the situation on her hormones but won’t do anything about it. When I tried to cuddle, touch, kiss or even talk to her the heart breaking responses I would get were like an electric shock to the heart, what are you doing, why are you doing that, stop it, don’t and the list went on again on till she was in the mood but by now I had, had enough. Is it right that I should except things as a one way street?
We have not had sex for around four months now, I do to her what she does to me and she does not like it, so why should I have to put up with it?
I am fifty now, I have started to lose weight, for me and my only sexual relief is solo. I have never had sex with anyone else, never cheated and never wanted to but I now feel lonely, sad and fed up with the situation and life.
I never thought I would ever be in this situation. I have been in a same sex relationship with my gf for 5 years. Of course the first year is always the best…filled with passion and desire, but the past 4 years have been hell. Her sex drive has come to a hault…maybe having sex twice every 6 months. Talking to her about it is like talking to a wall…there’s always excuses or that I’m dramatic or the best one is that I’m unrealistic about expectations of sex. I’m in my 30s I want to enjoy my sex drive while I have one. I’ve stopped initiating because my ego and self esteem just can’t take the rejection anymore. I’ve become so angry and bitter because I feel so stupid for having stayed faithful for so long while I get none of my sexual needs met. Recently, I’ve met a woman at work that flirts and looks at me with desire…I’m not going to lie I indulge in it bc for the first time I have felt human. Recently…she and I kissed…it was mindblowing…I haven’t been kissed passionately in a long time. I can’t help but want to go further with her…she knows my situation…I’m at a crossroads…
I’m in the same boat always exuses I’m in my 30s nd my sex drive/deire r high…how could thngz change so quick when u bcome married…no mre time spending just work nd less sex .I cn count the times of sex in this 365 days its stressfull I’m so done wth this shit
Just cheat on her and get your nut off
I have just stumbled across this website and read the comments which have brought tears to my eyes. My husband stopped wanting to have sex when my youngest daughter was a baby and we haven’t had sex for 19 years. I stopped wearing my wedding ring years ago because I have become so emotionally detached from my husband and really don’t feel married at all. We are friends and that’s all. I feel trapped because I feel unable to leave… My daughters would be heart-broken. What hurts me as well is that, although my husband knows I am unhappy with our situation, he has never tried to resolve our issues and seems content to continue living this way. Is this love? He tells me he loves me…
I understand, and although I’m actually shocked there’s women out there going through this too, it doesn’t make me really feel any better. It’s a sad situation. I married my husband 28 years ago, I was 18, he was 26. We dated a year before married and had a premarital sex life. The evening we got married it was like flipping a switch. No more sex. For the first 10 years I was in college, then we traveled some..I guess I was just so young I kept thinking something would change. Nope. I practically had to beg for a baby. Somehow I did get to have 2 babies, a perfect son and daughter. Who are now 14 and 18, and I’m just done with this marriage, but my kids are my life and I don’t want to hurt them. All they know is perfect family life. I don’t even want to hurt my husband. I’m just done, I haven’t even been sleeping in our bed for maybe 2 years with him because I just get my feelings hurt. I’m just done and have a wall up between us. I’m nice to him but there’s definitely a wall. And at 46 yo I finally feel grown up and confident enough to live alone. Or with my daughter (son will soon be in a dorm at college). I make the good $, so I can definitely support myself and kids, don’t need any help there. But dang I’ve felt so sad and sexually unwanted our entire marriage, there’s zero affection. I used to beg, flaunt myself in lingerie, get mad,
..I guess I’m just waiting for my daughter to get a little older. After all my happiness isn’t important, right? …….
Leave the relationship as soon as you can Syndee. Life is just too short. I’m in a similar situation – my wife is just not interested in me giving her massages, taking baths together, cuddling, just caressing each other, not even going out to a movie together – she’s too busy. Eventually, I’ll bid my farewell to her. I love her but am no longer in love with her. Even getting an erection with her is getting more and more difficult. There is some sex but very limited. She knows I want more but refuses. I’ve actually just wanted to end my life, but it would devastate my kids – so that’s a no go.
Neil
I found I needed to reply to your comment about ending your life.
You should not even consider this, your kids need you and YOUR future happiness needs you. Yes you can be happy again. It is possible.
If you wish to chat then I am happy to give you my email address.
Mosses,
Thanks for reaching out to Neil when you did… Neil, I’ve lost two wonderful friends to suicide. Please don’t ever do anything like that. Please get help if you feel compelled to act on those thoughts.
Neil – dear Neil never an option to hurt yourself there is always another way no matter how darknthings may seem 😉
In 2001 when trying to get my husband to remove a job bid that the son of the county commissioner wanted as well as a city councilman and the sons of three of the most influencial farmers in the county, My husband suggested I take his pimp father by the hand and both of us go to the interstate and step out in front of a semi. Over the fact I was using his sex life as the promise of a reward in the future for his cooperation no longer mattered to him. He wanted out from under the marriage the state would make him a pauper if he achieved a divorce To support me in my bi polar illness. he actually told me he would not consider removing his bid for any sex even would turn down the offer from a friend I was willing to get him with since to see to my needs I had had some flings. He wanted all his rights or nothing but our heads on a spike.
Yje next morning I watched him reduce four men to broken bleeding piles and trying to get the front door open to stop him from spraying them down with a garden hose. it was about 15 degrees that morning. Because I felt he needed to hear those four men out I used a slue bolt to keep him out to have their say.
He goaded and insulted those men into jumping him so he could use the combat arts he had learned over the years on them, it took less than a minute to just about kill all four. then the front door and frame landed on me and hes standing on it telling me the next time I locked him out to be hurt I had better make sure he was dead, if he was not my next date was an undertaker. I did mot want him hurt just wanted him to try and work with people and not consider because he was higher on a hire list everyone needed to work for the greater good. And that meant he needed to understand sometimes one man could not have the life he wanted, and he would just have to accept it making it easy for us to have a life in peace/
Well he tore the life out of the community as he left. Caused the local union to be overseen under national oversight. Started a major investigation in discrimatory practice by the county and just about everyone else that even had contact with him. I am under threat of having charges of marital fraud and extortion filed for three more years. It seems the only one happy now is him as he watchs the rest of us cringe in fear of what he does now.
Hi I am 29 and he’s 47 I am in a sexless marriage for nearly 3 year’s I have been married for 3 years and in them 3 year’s we have had sex twice x just after we got married he changed . There’s no passion no intimacy no sex no fun no nothing., he did lose his job and out of work for a year but he is in work now and has made no effort to rectify this. He makes me feel unwanted unloved and undesirable. Once I tried to get dressed up he flatly turned me down I told him he made me feel degraded he said he didn’t ask me to do it. I am at a loss of what to do.
I am in a similar situation. I’m 26 and my husband is 48. We have been together 7 years. We have not had sex since August of 2014. I’m so ashamed to tell people about this. I’ve talked to him about this many times and he just gets angry and makes excuses. I’ve tried dressing sexy for him and it still doesn’t make a difference. What he sums this up to is that I am an immature nimphomanicac. I don’t really know what to do in my situation either. We have a 1 year old daughter and so many bills. I really don’t want to compromise my daughter’s quality of life but I feel so rejected in this marriage. I feel as though we have just become roommates.
Same here. 26 and 43. Idk what to do. I’m so pissed! The other day he told me it was to much work. I know he watches porn. I’m really ready to walk out the door!
Hi I have been married for 48 years I love my wife but have not been intimate for at least ten years. Before that I instigated the sex. I have tried to talk to her. It it is like talking to a brick wall. She just will not talk about it. Made me sad and depressed cannot see any way forward any advice
Join the club. I also have been married to my husband 48 years. We had problems all through our marriage and almost divorced 10 years ago. I had open heart surgery which brought us back together. We went to our third marriage counselor and decided to make things work. I was very excited at the prospect of a renewed marriage with intimacy and sex. It didn’t take long to realize I wasn’t going to have much of either. He said he isn’t interested and won’t talk to his doctor about it. This has lasted 10 years. He retired two years ago and now just does what he wants when he wants. Our children are grown and we only do things with family and friends; nothing for just the two of us. I feel lonely and cheated. I am seriously considering leaving him.
Take action, don’t suffer in silence. There are woman out there in similar situations hoping to find a mate to be intimate with! Be strong and good luck
I got that too. Did not appreciate it.
OMG, that is awful. I feel for you Angel. I think you should cheat and feel justified in doing so. Your mental state is more important than the marriage. Get busy doing things outside the house and find a FWB. Life is too short.
Here joining the club as well. I’m 29, he’s 75, been together for 8 years and married for 6 years. I fell in love with his wisdom, experience, and sense of humor. Before his health started to decline 4 years ago, we had sex probably once a month, not really sex, mostly giving each other oral as he couldn’t get it to work anymore. I knew that this would happen one day when I got married, but I thought our intellectual and personality compatibility would make it possible, and that I love him and I would marry him no matter what. After multiple hospitalizations over the years that I’ve been through with him due to his heart problem, sex hasn’t existed in my marriage for 3 years. He would sometimes try to touch me and kiss me now, but I have now lost my desire. Like one of the ladies above, I crave attention, affection, passion again, but haven’t found this from my husband. I don’t want to leave my husband as he needs someone to take care of him at this age. I love him like I love a dear friend of mine, we still talk every day about daily life, but no intimate moments, just like friends. I am depressed, lonely, and just feel like there’s nothing I could do. I know I knowingly went into this marriage, and I thought I could do it, but my young self was obviously wrong. I don’t know what to do, and reading these posts just makes me cry. I feel like I’m a horrible person/wife to think this way, to want a man with whom I can share my life experience without being judged such as “your generation are so different.. blah blah”? Am I a horrible person to want kisses, hugs, cuddling, passionate sex? So many tears in my eyes right now as I’m writing these words.
I so want to sit down and talk to you in person. You will be fine. You are young. You have a whole life ahead of you. I think you decision needs to be “do you stay and see it through” or do you “go and start a new life, with happiness and children” ?
Mosses
http://www.iliasm.org
Leave! Leave now. It won’t get better. I’m 41 my husband 51, I’ve wasted 18 years. The sex stopped 3 months after we married. Don’t do it to yourself, you are still young and will surely regret it.
I’ve only been married for a year and already I feel frustrated an angry. I’ve been with my husband for seven years now and he’s always had a problem in the bedroom. It was over so fast (sometimes before any sex even began) and often he couldn’t perform at all that I broke down, cried, begged, threatened to leave, etc etc for him to sort his problems out. He never did. He was a lovely man in all other ways so I didn’t leave him and happily married what I thought was my soul-mate. But the sex issues continued, meanwhile he began putting on weight, becoming more arrogant and not showing as much interest in our baby boy as I thought he would (I thought he’d be a fantastic dad). Eventually I stopped initiating things and I avoid sex. Why? Well why on earth would I go through the hassle of pleasing someone else with nothing in it for myself? He doesn’t bother pleasing me in other ways. EVERYTHING is about him. Now we don’t have sex at all and he never asks why. In a way I’m waiting for him to ask so we can finally get this out in the open…
Frankly I want an open marriage. I’ve gone to the doctor for him, bought all the products and helped him in every way I can think of, as sensitively and kindly as a sexually frustrated wife can. Seven years of disappointment at the age of 26… come on, am I to have this sexless life so young and forever more?
glad to know im not the only one going through this. im at the end of my ropes with this issue. ive begged and pleaded with him which is always turned down. he works hard, gives me all his money, i dont believe hes unfaithful. although i wish he would so id know he was interested in sex and women.
I feel like I am the living dead. Certainly, my marriage is. We have been married for 56 years, and have not been intimate for 23 of those years. I now know that my husband is addicted to Internet pornography. He claims he is impotent (I am convinced that if he is, it is from the porn addiction). He denies that he spends much time on the sites, but I have caught him dozens of times. He swore on his mother that he wasn’t indulging, when I saw him with my own eyes. He lies with impunity and even lies when he doesn’t have to. He has been looking at porn probably most of our married life. I have lost respect for him, but I still miss the intimacy. He is not interested in pleasing me. As long as he masturbates and gets his jollies, that is all he is interested in. The last time I caught him with his porn, he said that he will go see a psychologist because HE wanted to stop. It lasted 4 weeks, and claims that the doctor told him that he is not addicted. I am sure that my husband didn’t tell him to what extent he was looking at porn. He claims that he told him everything, but I know that it is not true. Besides, his porn addiction he also suffers from Aspberger’s syndrome and Parkinson’s. At this time in his/our life, there is no point in divorcing. I should have left him 20 years ago, but I was naively hoping that things will get better. Don’t make the same mistake. We hardly talk to each other now, he spends most of his waking hours on the computer. I feel lonely, rejected, frustrated, angry, and often lash out at him. There is a lot more to say about this relationship (or lack thereof), but I just wanted to say that you shouldn’t suffer silently. Leave when you can. It has to be a fifty-fifty relationship, and if you are so unhappy, don’t just internalize and suffer. We have grown children, and two of them encouraged me to leave him years ago, but I just couldn’t. I still don’t know why I didn’t. By the way, at one point, he said that he wouldn’t blame me if I cheated on him, and he wouldn’t hold it against me. But I just couldn’t live with myself, if I had. Maybe it is because of the way we were brought up years ago?
I believe porn has totally blighted my married life. I was 17 & a virgin, being told he would look elsewhere if I didn’t comply was a threat I couldn’t deal with.
He decided my sex life was over (when he didn’t want to or couldn’t indulge) 20 years ago. Sporadic attempts I find demeaning & humiliating & I am left depressed & self doubtin g I see no way forward.
My husband is giving, caring and loving and due to health issues he is impotent. He cant be put on any sexual enhancement medications due to his health. I miss the physical connections. I love my husband but I am often tempted to go outside of my marriage for my physical needs I know that sounds very selfish. I would never leave him because I love him. It has been a few years that we have not had sex.
You are not being selfish at all. He is the one being selfish. He might have health issues that affect his libido but he’s certainly not trying to take care of you or your needs. He’s robbing you of something special (it doesn’t necessarily need to be intercourse but you need to feel connected). You haven’t gone into to much detail so I’m just speculating here. If he’s not willing to discuss or address this major issue with you then maybe perhaps you should consider an open relationship. It would alleviate the stress on him to physically satisfy you and also would alleviate the stress of you not being physically gratified. Everyone deserves to feel desired especially by the person they are in love with.
I married a man 20 years older, I’m 43 and he is 63. We have been married 12 years and after waiting for 6 years for him to initiate sex I finally moved him out of the master bedroom and into the spare room. I simply told him that if we were going to stay together for our sons and our joint financial security I was going to take a lover, otherwise I was divorcing him. He understood that this was it and he was going to have to make a choice because once I gave him the ultimatum and had moved him out of the master bedroom entirely – there was no turning back. So we talked it through and we agreed that I would be discreet and respectful about having a lover and that was that. I then met a lovely man who literally made love to me until I was back to my good old self! It was the best decision I made and I spent 5 great years seeing him several times a week – going to movies and seeing music and making passionate love…along with all the cuddles and kissing a girl could ever need! Taking a lover and demanding to have the right to be loved intimately and sexually has saved my marriage and I have absolutely no regrets. As a matter of fact it proves to me that my husband truly does love me! Because he understands that I need sex and intimacy in order to be happy and to be a happy person and mother and friend to him. Although, my relationship with my lover has ended – basically because people simply change and grow apart, I’m now dating using Ashley Madison and have met several men in sexless marriages. It’s just a matter of time before I fall for one and I’m looking forward to it!
I give you so much credit for being honest with your husband. I am in a similar situation. No sex for two years no matter what I did. Incredibly frustrating! I have tried to leave my husband but if I kick him out of my house he will have no place to go with his kids and I will struggle with the bills. So we stayed living together and our families believe we are a happy couple. The truth is I have resorted to just doing whatever I want with whoever I want and just live my life. He seems to be happy with getting to stay in the house without me fighting with him. I know he assumes that I am faithful and this is why I give you so much credit! If I told him I wanted to see other people his ego would shatter (even though he does not want me romantically). There my come a day when I do eventually fall in love again and I don’t know what I would do at that point but considering how unlikely that would be, I have come to love my life again.
Hello All!
I’ve been in a relationship for over 20 years and I have children that I am proud of and I adore. I feel guilty because I’m so lucky to have such great kids but I feel so lonely in my relationship. I feel unwanted and that I’m just not loveable. I’ve had chances to cheat in the past but I don’t want to be a cheat, and I feel that even though things aren’t right, she deserves to be treated with respect and decency. She is the mother of my kids! So what do I do? live an awful, lonely life? Feel like I’m not man enough? Be miserable? Die unhappy? or cheat? There’s no way I’ll leave my kids! I don’t want to cheat. But after years of trying to find a better way I just keep hitting brick wall after brick wall. There has to be a happy ending for me and her, and I’ve tried to find it. But here I am. On the net, talking to you in the hope that someone will have a brilliant idea, or at the very least to let other people know that you are not wierd, or alone.
I have the reverse problem: my husband and i have sex regularly, my libido is fine…but i don’t desire him and haven’t for many years. i’ve done a lot of reading about this and (apart from still feeling miserably guilty about it), i think i fall at a different level on the sociosexual inventory roster than my husband. he is more monogamous than i am and i think my libido needs spikes from novel partners but 20 years of complete monogamy had led me to believe i was asexual until some hormone fluctuations at midlife showed me differently.
my husband is getting his needs met, i am not getting any sexual energy recharge, so it’s actually hard for me to have sex with him even though i do it anyway.
i’ve asked for an open marriage to re-fill my energy tanks but he is skeptical and, because i can’t actually complain about not having sex, i feel like i stand on fragile ground.
i love him but i don’t want him and he’s crushed that i don’t reciprocate his desire but i see it as more biology than anything after all the reading i have done about this.
sometimes the discussion about opening our marriage is so draining emotionally that i feel like i should just go back to calling myself asexual and just continue being there for him. but i’m 43. it makes me sad that i would live out the rest of my life without that spark. sometimes i wish i had never dug into the underlying reasons for my lack of passion. it seems worse knowing that it could be fixed but probably won’t be.
Yeah… not even remotely the same problem. People here love and want their partner and get nothing in return. You just managed to convince yourself that you need some indeterminate number of strangers to “feel alive”
Do your husband a favor and divorce him. Hopefully he will find one of the women here and she’ll *actually want to have sex with him because she finds him attractive*
And then you don’t *dare* get married again. Youre not wired for it. And when you can no longer “get any” (believe me… eventually even women reach a point where they cant just get laid as easy as breathing) be sure to not regret being alone
Open marriage is BS code for “i want to have my cake and eat it to”. ESPECIALLY when a woman asks. Any guy who gets asked rhis is an idiot if he doesnt run and the woman is younger than 60 and not 200lbs over weight. A woman will find sex instantly and endlessly. The guy will sit home alone and find no one. Casual sex, especially for people “cheating” is ridiculously in favor of women. So of course he isnt going to say “sure! Go bang tons of random guys who have done nothing for you becsuse you “need it” while i, the guy who has done everything for you, sits home alone, sexless, unwanted and cuckolded”
Its insanely selfish. Divorce. This. Poor. Bastard
I was kinda thinking the same thing. It’s not like most of us here at all. I feel sorry for her husband.
The replies to this post are way to harsh and blindsided. What she is saying is that she loves her husband but needs a different kind of sex life than what he provides. She didnt even mentioned she has cheated on him, and she tries her best to keep the sexual needs of the husband fulfilled. There is nothing bad on what she is mentioning and the replies are so biased… what he mentions that women get an advantage at open relationships is just plain bull**. Their advice of divorcing his husband is also just plain wrong…. im sure he will be hearbroken and we dont know how much he knows about what the wife thinks of the sex life. maybe he does know everything, and maybe he rather have her stay in spite of that. People feel so entitled to comment basd on their own experiences and prejudiced thoughts….but when we comment we shoud be aware that we never know the whole story and that if our advice is not positive and proactive then we better keep it to ourselves.
Not like these people at all. Hope your husband finds out you’re a rotten skank and leaves
My wife doesn’t wanna. She will do ‘mercy sex’ on occasion, which I feel is nice, but is sort of pathetic. Also, she prefers a hand job rather than standard intercourse.
And, it isn’t that she is a wonderful wife. But she is a good mother and also has other good qualities. Although having a decent relationship with me is a very low priority. When we talk, it is always about some problem or another. Or something I don’t do ‘correctly’ around the house. Etc.
She is happy for me to indulge in pornography, since it is ‘outsourcing’ her duties, without actually having a relationship with another woman.
I was reading about sexless marriages, and decided I would go for the definition of once a week minimum. I have a higher libido, but like porn, so I make do. I gave her an ultimatum … that I wasn’t going to tolerate a sexless marriage. She is reluctantly trying to meet these demands, but really. It is sort of pathetic. I have had feelings for other women, but I only like intelligent, accomplished woman. And they (intelligently) are reluctant to have an affair.
I wanted to share this, since it is such a different, less extreme version of the other complaints. She will never regain her interest in sex. But I am optimistic — maybe I am crazy — that I will have at least some great sex before I die. I certainly had some. But children are hell on sex in a marriage.
The others that have shared their situations —
As far as advise … I have adopted the position that non intercourse sex is ok. Plus, she is (barely) ok with it. I pretend that I am in high school and what we do — it would have been great for a date when I was a teenager.
I used to just beg for it. I have found that asking for the absolute minimum has worked — to keep me from going crazy. She will usually do just a little more that the minimum. The way it used to be … begging …. it made me feel awful as a man. As far as divorce, the children are older and I would do it, but it would really hurt financially.
All the options are painful for me as a man. Begging. Mercy sex. Staying together for the children, and then for the money. It is the latter point.
Begging and maybe mercy sex. It is pathetic and makes me feel awful. Abstinence would drive me crazy. I will give some advice to people with sexless marriages. if you don’t want to die a virgin from now until death, figure out what you could settle for. And be honest and assertive with your spouse about it. I wish I had figured this out earlier in life.
yr still not getting what you want.
My fiance and I, have been together for 8 years. She is 25 I am 28. We have three sons. A few months ago she told me she cheated a year ago, but I always asked her did she cheat. She denied it everytime, Until she confessed one day. From the time she cheated which would be Oct 2014 to the present time our sex life has changed. (It was a one night stand according to her) I’m talking once or twice a month if I’m lucky, I never cheated on her. I’ve talked to her and told her this is not working for me, she is not changing. She only does it when she wants it, I don’t initiate it anymore. I’m to the point of exhaustion, I can’t take it anymore, another sexless night. I don’t want to hurt my family but I crave that intimacy and physical connection in a woman. I don’t know what to do.
My husband and I have been together for 5 1/2 years. It is only on the last year that we have lost all intimacy. We have had sex once in the last 9 months and that was when he used me as he had no access to porn. We were on holiday in a foreign country and no wifi access, he kept telling me he was horny all holiday but refused to have sex with me. He constantly asked for blow jobs and hand jobs until one night I thought we were finally going to have sex, only for him to use me as a method of orgasm then walk away. That was 4 months ago. I feel completely betrayed, this isn’t what a marriage should be. I keep thinking that I want to cheat, but I don’t want to have sex with anyone else, I want him. I want our intimacy back, I want days where we only get out of bed to eat. I’m 29, he’s 27, I can’t stand the thought of spending the rest of my life feeling undesirable.
Married 19 years. 3 years completely sexless. I have 2 young kids or I’d be gone. Nuff said I need to find a lonely woman in my shoes and I plan on cheating. I’ve been an honest faithful husband. Enough is enough.
I have been in what is essentially a sexless marriage for 5 years now. Everything was good in the beginning, better than good, and I thought we beat the odds of the “Honeymoon” stage.
I tried everything I could to fix things, but my husband just didn’t respond to my efforts. We went to counseling, and each time I thought we had made a breakthrough, we’d go home and things would go right back to status quo again.
They say a sexless marriage is one in which sex occurs 10 or less times per year. I think we had sex maybe 10 times in 5 years, the last stint being 14 months. Each gap is bigger than the one before.
I finally did the unthinkable and took a lover. I’d like to say I felt guilty about it, but I didn’t. I felt mostly relieved.
That said, things reached a breaking point. I knew that I had to make a choice to accept that the rest of my life will be this way, or change things. I chose to change things because I know that I cannot tolerate this forever and my husband simply hasn’t fought for us. I finally asked for a divorce, knowing that it was the right thing to do. Just knowing things will change brought immense relief, and I believe it is the correct choice for both of us.
My heart aches for each person here going through the same thing. It hurts so much to have affection and intimacy withheld. We struggle with the idea of loving ourselves enough to ask for more and, when we don’t receive it, make good choices that will lead us down the path of fulfillment. We hold back for children, for the memory of what once was, but in the end, we must choose to love ourselves, otherwise we will always be unhappy.
Almost surprised to see so many others (m and f) going through what I’m feeling. My wife and I have been together for almost 17 years, married the past 8. Our sex life used to be great – adventurous, spontaneous, exciting. After the birth of our first child 6 years ago, things have almost entirely shut off. First it was because she felt like she couldn’t turn off mom mode. Then, it was because there was too much going on with the kids (we now have two). She wanted to schedule sex. So, I start scheduling it, now she’ll be too tired or just ignore it. One night she’s too tired, the next night she’ll be up late on Facebook instead of coming to bed. I used to think I was lucky because I still fantasized about my wife. Now I try to push the thoughts out of my mind as it just ends in frustration. We’ve had the talk on a number of occasions about how my needs are not being met. Planning to have it again tonight, hoping that the knowledge that I’m not the only one going through this will help give me strength.
I know the feeling–same here. Sorry to hear Alex, its a doozy to be found in such a desert of a place. Trust me, I can empathize if anyone can. Its a lonely existence. I’ve been married 20 years and had those talks with my wife many times. She comes alive when it comes time to spread her wings during her days off from work to enjoy her recreational pursuits. However, when it comes to our sex life, I’m always the one that has to initiate and often found wanting of the same exertion of energy into our sex life that she puts into her recreational pursuits. Its just seemingly an obligation to her to do so but she claims she loves me as she snuggles under her covers and drifts off to sleep. What a boring life
I could write a million things but fortunately everyone has said it for me im 40 very young looking fit and have a sex drive lik a 17 yr old i read Angel and Stars comments and i want to know why they’re young mid 20s and have 40 yr old partners that obviously dnt know how lucky they are to have young sexy wives like i have. I my ass off i provide for every need for her and our little man. I ask, i try to communicate it was mever like this before. Ive put up with cheating lying and a child and two yrs later i feel like im the one that fucked up and need to beg. Fuck (sorry) but im shitty and i am like most on here stuck emotionally and by children. Nice to know im not alone.
Seems like she used you for the money….and maybe green card.
I have been with my husband for 15 yrs. At first sex,was good but over time less and less. My husband rides a motorcycle and bragging acting like a bad ass and flirting but at home no sex. I work 2 jobs, all I want some attention and he wants to play games on his computer. I married but so very lonley. My children grown. I am independent. Why do I stay??
I’m the same… We’ve been together 7 years and he has a low sex drive. It’s been unenthusiastic pity sex when it does actually happen – once a month or less. I tried so hard not to say anything, or beg for it (that makes me feel even worse about myself),and am now considering calling off the big fat indian wedding. Like all your partners that withhold sex while expecting monogamy, he doesn’t like to talk about it or acknowledge it, and like all those who stay, I enjoy his company outside of the bedroom etc etc. Our relationship wouldn’t survive cancelling the wedding, and I worry that I won’t have the will power to turn down someone else if someone else made a pass at me because I feel so deprived.
My God, just perusing all these messages makes me want to cry, but atleast I know I’m not alone. Been married for 16 years and I usually was the one always initiating sex and begging for it earlier. I’ll be honest though, my marriage has suffered from a lot of my doing because of my codependency behaviors and depression. But she then became increasingly distant from me, (guess it’s understandable) and sex became a thing of the past for over the past 1.5years. Last time we had sex, I remembered her saying, “I felt so icky afterwards” WTF. It’s like she can’t stand sex with me any more. We sleep in separate bedrooms and honestly our marriage is more like roommates and not even that much communication present. Only reason we’re hanging together is for our 2 kids. But this excuse starts to really lose it’s luster cause, honestly this is suffering and it’s becoming unbearable silent type of suffering. It wears on you mentally and physically. I know part of my conscience would be so against this, but can’t help but want to dabble in seeking a prostitute or an affair with someone..cause I wanna feel alive, I want to feel that touch, I want to touch…what’s wrong with me.
Just stumbled onto this forum/webpage and i feel relieved. My husband of 15 years hasnt really had a sex drive for so long, its caused countless arguements. I let it fester and then end up so moody and miserable and always ends in a big arguement. He doesnt know why. Makes me so sad and unhappy. He says he loves me and I believe him but I feel rejected every time we go to bed. He never talk about it which makes me SO annoyed.
I dont want us to split up and he said he doesnt either. We are very happy in every other way and have 2 wonderful kids. I really dont know what to do. Im 37 and wondering if this is it.
My Wife and I are HS sweethearts. Been together for 44 years. 37 years married. Two kids, one grandchild. I still find her very attractive. I want to touch and be touched by her just about every time I see her. I’m a classic story of marriage. I was a virgin when we met. Although she claimed to be too, I had my doubts. She was all over me before the break. We screwed like rabbits until my family convinced me to break up some months after graduation. One of the biggest regrets of my life. I was one of those kids that tried to do whatever my family wanted me to do. I only lasted three months apart. Unfortunately my Wife is one of those people that never forgive or forget. Although we got back together, it’s never been the same. I’ve been begging for sex ever since. Yes, for 37+ years! I’ve always been a two to three times a week person. She has no sexual desire. I’ve only remembered one time were she initiated. Fast forward to today; I’ve realized how much is missing in our relationship. Loveless, sexless relationship. Not a marriage, as others have stated. I’m very lonely, depressed and suffer from anxiety. Have never cheated, although I’ve cracked at times and said inappropriate things to other women. According to our therapist, this happened just to get a positive reaction from a woman. I’m 60 but have always been in good physical condition, hair intact. I’ve gotten to the point where I’m barely functioning. I’m frightened that I’ll spend the rest of my life in this horrible state of loveless, sexless relationship. Realizing that she’s not going to change. She’s satisfied being in control of the situation. This is no way to live.
We are not weird, God just hard-wired us for sex. Why are we the only species on Earth that does not get to have sex? Just because we are intelligent does not mean we do not have the same primal needs built into our creation.
Been Married over 20 years. Sex was never that mind-blowing but then became non-existent. I filled the gaps with tons of work and a career, and some porn, but as you get older, life is fleeting and the human connection is much more important. Porn is unnatural, and dirty, and there is no human connection. I tried so many times(100s) to snap her back into intimacy, but she let herself go and never was much of an orgasmatron. I tried toys on her and many other things to get her mojo going to no avail. She is the nicest sweetest person otherwise, consumes me with kindness, so I stayed in the relationship for her and our kids sake. I had lost so much confidence being in a sexless marriage, until one day, I just said f***it. I set an appointment with a gorgeous model (9.95 out of 10) and had a multi-orgasmic experience. There is nothing like being with a sensual and beautiful woman who is uninhibited and knows what she is doing. I topped that another 100 times with 2-3 hour incredible sessions and then eventually became sexually addicted. I was very handsome as a young man and did not even score so well then, so it is kinda amazing how easy it is. That was my new tennis or Extracurricular sport and it was so enjoyable, and I felt so alive, and thankful to be alive. I gained so much confidence and it helped me in all phases of life. My married friends however whom I confided in, told me what a bad person I was and were all in miserable relationships and got excited over a cheap thrill of looking at a girl on the street or something or going to Hooters. That is a cheap thrill and so are bars, and all the other teasing. If you are not getting any good and long sex, you are just dreaming. There is nothing better to set the date, time, and then go into hyperspace with a dynamo. You come out and you are on a natural high for like 3 days. It is also very good for your physical and mental health if you are careful and practice safe sex and you can finally live out your ultimate fantasies (like 3some or getting pegged). You are not getting any younger and being close to life is being close to the living in the flesh.
This is probably the best advise I can give to anyone. If your spouse doesn’t give it up tell them you’re going to the gym every night. Only days you can take off are the ones you have sex. May not work right away but you’ll be in shape and thag will drive them nuts.
Maybe my experience will help someone or at least know they are not alone if they are beyond porn, medical issues, affair, etc (these are fixable issues) and in a more hopeless situation.
I have been married for 8 years, and it has been sexless since the first month despite our sex life being normal beforehand. He seemed to be “going through the motions” on our wedding night just to consumate the marriage then immediately lost interest. I got pregnant during that first month, and he wouldn’t touch me (in all ways, not just sexually, no hugs or hand-holding, wouldn’t touch my belly to feel the baby move, etc) after I told him I was pregnant. I thought he was just weirded out about having sex with a pregnant woman or stressed from the idea of being a new father, so I gave him time and understanding.
After I had the baby, he pressured me for oral the first night I had come home from the hospital. Despite being in pain and exhausted, I complied because I loved him. In the middle of it, he said to me, “After the dr gives you the clearance to have sex, I am going to f— the s–t out of you.” 8 years later, I am still waiting for him to do just that (but to be honest, I could get that from a stranger off the Internet or even a friend. What I really desire is for my husband to make love to me). I felt so used over that incident when it became apparent in that first year after the baby came that he had no interest in me.
I tried talking to him (openly communicating my needs and how his denial hurt me while never passing judgment or being cruel). I asked him to go to counseling (he wouldn’t, so I went by myself for a over a year), cried, literally begged on my hands and knees while apologizing profusely for my unknown affront (DON’T DO THIS. You are only degrading yourself and will feel worse for it), yelled and screamed, etc. I thought if I lost the baby weight, that would solve it. So I lost the baby weight plus another 10 lbs., but nothing changed. I know I am an attractive woman because I used to make a nice living off of my appearance, had escaped pregnancy relatively unscathed in terms of stretch marks/saggy boobs/whatnot, and I still had the attention of men, but I didn’t want those men. I wanted my husband.
I initiated but was usually rebuffed. When he would acquiesce, I felt like I was raping my own husband. He wouldn’t touch me, blank facial expressions, didn’t speak (not even to say “I love you” during it despite me saying it), I did all the foreplay, etc. It has now gotten to where he doesn’t even climax when we do it 1-2 x a year (he has no problem finishing by himself because I find the evidence of that during housework). I haven’t had oral or his hands on my lady parts in 8 years. I dressed up but was scoffed at. I got my own life, activities, and friends so as to not be clingy/desparate/unhappy but was ignored. I suggested we try new and exciting things but was put off indefinitely. I finally just asked for intimacy on other levels like holding hands or a date but was denied that as well. I supportively asked if he was gay or having an affair (I am sure neither of those are the case, nor does he have a porn addiction). I begged him to just tell me why he wouldn’t for my own mental health, but he would never give me an answer. I asked for an open marriage, but he got mad at me for even suggesting such a thing (like my needs aren’t important or are supposed to be unmet completely and indefinitely). I asked him to have his testosterone checked, but he refused to do that also. That spoke volumes to me – my husband communicated to me that I wasn’t worth an hour of his time and a cheap co-pay. Same with a date – I wasn’t worth a few hours of time invested in something that could have been a fun shared experience. But, alas, that is what sex is also: a bit of time invested in a fun shared experience that would also bond us.
I finally gave up, thinking he might realize it was a problem on his own without me pressuring him, but nothing changed. I bought books about sexless marriages, read them (they said nothing useful, only suggested what I had already tried), and left them laying around in hopes he might read them himself. I stopped bringing it up all together. I threw away all my lingerie. I absorbed myself in our child, reading, gardening, weeknight activities with friends, and anything that led to self-improvement. He never joined me in any of those endeavors and rejected all my invitations. And then I had an affair.
It was a double-edged sword. It was necessary in that it made me realize that I was still a desirable woman and wasn’t deformed after childbirth (yes, I thought I was deformed or something and even went to the dr to make sure I was still normal down there), but it also was messy and just a poor substitute for what I really needed in my husband. I made no effort to hide it (but did not flaunt it either) and thought he would notice me leaving dressed for a night on the town while coming home with that glow, but he either didn’t notice or didn’t care. Probably the latter.
8 lonely years later, he finally tells me he wants to work on our marriage and why he refused me all these years. He told me it was “weird” after witnessing childbirth and then he let it go for so long that it became embarrassing. I asked him what was “weird” – my vagina? My labia? Me being a mother? What does that even mean? He wouldn’t expound/clarify. I pointed out that he finds other mothers sexually attractive, like actresses and female friends, but he offered no other explanation. I think what “weird” means is that I am no longer a sexual being to him, meaning he is no longer sexually attracted to me and views me solely as a mother while loving me like a sister. I told him that but he profusely denied it. I now think he is just in denial and doesn’t want to hurt me, but, to be honest, could he really hurt me anymore than he already has?
And embarrassed? So he let me live in a heartbreaking jail cell of forced celibacy and denial of human touch/intimacy for years because he was “embarrassed?” I was embarrassed to go to counseling by myself. I was embarrassed to go to the dr for an exam to see if I was deformed. I was embarrassed to purchase those books while the male cashier gave me a puzzled look. I was embarrassed every time he rejected my touch. I was embarrassed when I made a fool of myself putting on lingerie only to be laughed at. I was embarrassed thinking of how I had degraded myself when begging and pursuing a man who consummately rejected me. I was embarrassed to know my husband, the one person who was supposed to, didn’t find me attractive no matter how hard I tried.
But now I am mad. And sad. I am mad at the unloving example of a husband he has given our daughter. I am mad that he robbed me of any more children. I am mad that I have had sex 12 times in 8 years while fighting off advances from other, very eager, men. I am mad at how selfish he has been. I am mad that he pulled some bait-and-switch to trap me into a sexless marriage. I am mad at how I allowed him to degrade my confidence and self-esteem. I am mad that I am a beautiful and dynamic woman whose husband has told me otherwise with his actions and squandered the gift he has been given. I am mad at the time he has stolen from me. But mostly, I am mad at myself for pursuing a man who doesn’t want me and condoning all of this. I am sad that, at 37, I haven’t been made love to since my 20’s and never once by my husband. I am sad that, unless I get a divorce, I will never feel a man’s touch again. I am mad and sad that, if I did get divorced, I don’t even know if I could ever have a healthy relationship again without extensive counseling, if at all. I am sad that one day I will lay on my deathbed and wish I hadn’t wasted this time. I am sad that we could have been sharing our love this whole time, but, instead, he wasted it. It could have been a lot of fun and made us closer. Instead, sex did just the opposite – it drove us apart. Marriage sucks when you are married to your roommate or a friend who won’t be your lover also.
My advice? Get your own life and interests. It won’t fill the void but will at least be a distraction and help make you a more balanced individual while helping you maintain your identity. Realize that affairs may help somewhat in the short-term but are a problem all their own (I have no guilt over mine since my husband voided our marriage contract almost immediately and refused my exhaustive solutions. It was also necessary to help restore my identity as an individual and reaffirm my desirability/sexuality). If you stay for the children, as I am doing, spend those years preparing for the divorce, i.e. Go back to school, secret away money, change careers to be financially independent, build a support group around you, etc. Or…cut your losses now and run. It never gets any better. Even if the refusing partner suddenly decides to comply, the damage has already been done to your self-esteem and relationship. I am so self-conscious about sex now that I wouldn’t even know how to have a normal relationship with him or any other man for that matter (this was never an issue beforehand. I was a very sexually confident woman). Or stay and reap the consequences.
Lonely Wife,
Reading this is so sad. I am a husband in a similar position of 39 years married and I want to tell you this. DO NOT stay with him any longer. You will die inside eventually. You will lose your self-esteem, your confidence, your sexuality, and your personality. You need to tell him he has broken his vows and that in just about every way he has broken all his marital promises. I would go for a separation with a view to never returning and get dating asap.
I beg you not to end up like me. If you stay you will, trust me. When I say I am a worthless, unnatractive piece of crap I truly believe it. That’s what 27 years of this cruelty has done to me.
i know exacly how you feel, i think im one of the unlucky ones too, thats been damaged beyond repair by my fridgid ice cold controling bullying partner of 23 years. hes 12 years older. i used to be beautifull smart funny full of life and had my 2 sons thank god before i met him as he cant have any and hes infertile. the lifes been squashed out of me now hes done that and very well too. made me ill with stress no sex love affection doesnt even touch me, 13 years had took its toll. ive no job cause of health probs, eg panick attacks anemia ibs, and i know it is all down to the stress of living with that pathetic thing, and not leaving 10 years ago. he works 6 days a week all the hours gods sends then locks his money away in a safe wich i have no key for. hes gone to a new level now tho, just when i thort things couldnt get worse. hes now spying on what pittance i have to live or if i get any money as i sold something, he tries to control that too, and looks round the bedroom spying on me for god nos what looking for something. hes a piece of shit and then some, sorry for swearing but im all about done in this this “man”. if i could id leave like a shot. i own half this house, but it needs loads of jobs doing to get the max money for it and he does virtualy nothing in here so if this was sold i ouldnt afford a crappy flat somewhere rough.
I understand perfectly the bind you feel you are trapped in. A marriage that bears no resemblance to what we all expect at the outset. This is not what you, all of us, believed we were headed for. It has only been since I began researching this hideous affliction, that I now realize how extensive this problem is. The vast extent of damage caused to all concerned, can not be overestimated and there are no winners. To the one feeling incomplete because of a lack connection, sexual intimacy, consideration, the pain seems all one sided, after all the partner being deprived anywhere from moderately to total, when compared to their spouse, is at the mercy of the one calling the shots, what could be more dis-empowering than that. To be placed in the position of effectively pleading for attention only to be shunned, discarded, ridiculed, how insulting. Well, I would suggest that if that is how such people get their rocks off, by basking in the humiliation of the one they claim to love, then they can not know the joy, the bliss that comes from bringing happiness to the ones we love, such people deserve pity, not too much mind.
As a young boy, I was too young to understand the logic then, I was told how much better it was to give than receive. To bring joy to the ones we love and to witness that happiness is intoxicatingly wonderful. People who never experience such feelings are to be pitied for they can not know happiness chemically pure.
I can imagine that for you, there seems nothing to look forward to, no goal to set your sights on, just more of the same. So you are torn between wanting to draw a line in the sand, sever all connection with your toxic mate and divorce, which means expense and dividing up the assets which for the vast majority of people means having to settle for a lower standard of accommodation, much lower. That is one hell of a bind to be stuck in and doubtless one contemplated by everyone in the process of marriage disintegration, even the wealthy don`t like parting with sizable chunks of their worth. So faced with the choices, Hobson`s Choice would be better, stay married and retain ownership of your share of the assets live together but apart, by that I mean cooperate together as necessary to keep the household functioning assuming that part has been satisfactory up till now. I am assuming and I hope domestic violence has not been an issue and would not likely be one in the future. Somehow you need to no longer expect to receive emotional and sexual comfort and support from your husband. You need to accept that he is never going to view the situation from your viewpoint, he is too selfish. While ever you have the expectation that he will change, you are setting yourself up for even worse times ahead. You need to let him know that you will no longer “pester him” for his favours, that you will in future seek out a social life independent of him and you wish him well in his. I understand he may react not well to this or he may accept it as a realistic and practical solution if not perfect. Whatever you do will be a compromise, the important thing is to minimize damage. You then need to be proactive about your social life, you need to place a value on yourself and not regard yourself as a discard from your husband and lower your expectations. Do not settle for ready gratification. Do not appear desperate. Be patient. There will be someone who will value you more than husband has. In this way you may well find someone that is right for you and you will live a life together. This would be a good time to divorce and take you share of the assets and wish you ex good riddance.
As I see it the only other choice is to divorce now and accept the consequences discussed earlier. Ultimately only you can make the decision that is best for you. You have suffered too much already at the hands of your selfish husband, it`s time, past time to consider your happiness coz he will not.
Been with my wife 18 years and she started to use witholding sex and intamacy from me as a weapon about 10 years ago, everyday is a living missery and im sad . If it werent for my son i would just leave, i long to feel acwomans desire again.
I am a 37-year old man who has the same problem. I’ve been married for eight years and have two wonderful kids. My wife is a great mother to my kids but doesn’t enjoy sex at all. Or actually she doesn’t enjoy any kind of physical touching like kissing or huging. We’ve been in therapy without any effect. I tried to solve the problem for seven years and then I just gave up. Now I’ve been seeing escorts (which is legal in my country) for a year. It doesn’t fix anything but it makes life bearable.
So many stories, no real advice. We can all tell our stories, they all are the same with slight twists here and there. The bottom line is we are not getting sex. Part of the relationship is dead. We are hungry to be wanted and our partners rejection causes us pain. I don’t want to leave my partner, there is true love but I also need to be needed. I just wish someone would chat me up…. and I’d fall in their bed…. because I can’t muster up the courage to initiate the chat and if I did how on earth do I tell someone else I am not leaving my partner?
Two years and six months without.
Married 25 years, love my wife, but I’m at my wits end. I’ve been faithful and patient. have had many opportunities to stray, I haven’t and don’t want to. I want to fix it.
10 years age between us, I’m younger at 50. Got a drive of half my age. Not only do I miss the sex, but the intimacy that goes along with a commented relationship. I’m a good man, take care of things. I make a good living, can fix most anything, cook like a chef, and can rock out in the bed room.
I have no doubt that she loves me, but I need the intimacy, affection, and yes, the skin on skin relationship! I think that I’m worth it.
Terri, The bottom line you speak of is correct. I have been married 20 years to a man 7 years older than me. When he pursued me, sex was great we even “dated” 2 1/2 years with great sex. This is a 2nd marriage for both of us, no children together. We married and had satisfying sex for about 10 yrs, the last 10 years it has slowed some, slowed alot and the last year it has totally STOPPED. I am so sexually frustrated. He is a great man, he spoils me in everyother way, he makes great money and I have all I need and almost anything I could ever want. But I miss intimacy, I miss cuddling, I miss our love connection. Recently, I have been approached by a very nice gentleman, very attractive, who is in a similar situation. I have NEVER considered cheating but at this point of frustration along with the attention of an attractive male interest who is also married, I am considering it. My husband constantly makes jokes will not be serious, will not discuss the no sex deal. I have tried, I have cried. I find the attention a new person who is interested in me very exciting. At the same time I feel like it is betryal but I also feel I am being betrayed. It is getting close to intimate contact with the pursuing new male but I just can’t get past my morals and how I was raised. Am I stupid, crazy or what? I am dying inside. I have such security with my husband but the need for a love connection is driving me away from him. Please some give me advice. Frustrated doesn’t even start to describe how I feel.
Hi Lonely Wife: What a beautiful and succinctly well stated post you made. I am you, and you are me, and most of us responding here are saying the same things. We are not only in a sexless marriage, we are married to people who are intimacy challenged. Not only do they not want sex, they don’t want any “lingering eye contact,” or “hugs with emotions involved,” or “romantic touching,” or “romantic kissing”…..but what they do want is to stay with us, to stay in the situation, and for us to stop complaining about what we aren’t getting/aren’t happy about…..because they don’t want out of this “arrangement.”
I can’t do this for him anymore and I can’t do this TO ME anymore….Yes, I took vows with him 14 years ago, yes, I am a Christian and I don’t know what I will do about the subject of marriage to another, but I can’t do “him” and “this with him” anymore….it’s getting to be too much for me. I find myself hating him a lot. I find myself thinking he is a moron a lot, and I am not getting good sleep anymore…..I wake up thinking about this, have to go “lay down” mid day thinking about this, and sometimes, I wake up unexpectedly, and it jumps on me, and I can’t get back to sleep. When I see him in the morning, I’m not happy, and usually he isn’t doing anything right….then, or for the rest of the day, either. Why? I am so mad and tired and ill with him at this point that nomatter what he does, it won’t be right…..he just can’t please me…..because he didn’t please me…….for too long.
I used to cry to him and bear my heart about how I was feeling….ol’ stone face didn’t respond to my tears or change anything. That was years ago in our marriage….now, I don’t cry….now I am ranting and raving. I started pointing out how other men are always interested in me when I go out, and even when we go out, and so he’s started being territorial (that’s funny!)…..but it hasn’t caused him to offer me an explanation about why he has neglected me for years. No, I don’t want (all) those other men, but I think I will leave this one and may consider one of them…..(one who isn’t broken, and if he is, I promise myself I will not stay with that one, either!!!!…..because this is torture and even though I’m now feeling better about myself (no thanks to him!!!…..I have been to hell and back from being emotionally stunted and sexually rejected by my HUSBAND of 14 years. He can keep it….and he can get the hell on. I don’t know when I will recover, but I know I will recover. I know I can’t keep doing this dance with this dude….I am too young to contemplate this any longer. I have, for years, thought about this thing up one side and down the other…..and while I lose lots of sleep over it, he loses none.
I know my husband adores me…..I know he does……He has taken up my hobby (gardening) just to keep a smile on my face….and he is and always has been very focused on my wants (anything except affection and sexual contact). If I say tonight that I want “x” done soon, when I wake tomorrow, he will be doing it (often times)….and so I can be added to the others who say their spouse is great in every other way….but LOVE IS A LIVING THING….it needs to be nourished and nurtured in order to stay alive. My hope that he will eventually hear my plea and meet my needs is giving way to a disdain for him, and I have got to stop this not only for me, but for both of us.
I KNOW he can be “together” with just about anyone. He’s a friendly guy who likes people……but in other ways, he’s a child. He doesn’t do any of the bill paying, keeping up with what needs to be taken care of……he just gets up, goes to work, comes home, and like a little bird, waits to be fed. He loves being with me because I’ve brought life to his life and we daily have a purpose….we go here, go there, get this done, that done …..almost all of it at my instruct……I organize us, because he doesn’t think very deeply about anything…..I am pointing to this because I think he is going to be lost without me…..and even if he manages to eek out a life for a while (till he finds his next victim), it wont be full of the vitality and order this one is full of, which is why he won’t leave…..but screw that….I say he can’t stay and continue to hurt me with this. Even if he isn’t able to bring himself to love and love on me the way a husband should love a wife, I know that if I send him packing, one day, I can find someone who can and will fill those shoes. I am NOT undesirable….nothing weird here….I got it going on. No, I’m not a flaming hot 10, but I am pretty desirable, and I refuse to die off before I die off……this is no way to live and sure, I have all the reservations everyone else has…..we have a pretty good thing going outside of this issue, but this issue is the proverbial elephant in the room, and the room is getting smaller and smaller for me…..I can’t breath in it anymore, without taking in it’s full stench….and reacting to it.
I have tried to “busy myself with other things”….I have tried to talk for years…..I have tried to accept what I cannot change….but living that **** day after day is a lot harder than people think, and unless you are a robot, it will consume you, because it’s truly the song….”You can look at the menu but you just cannot eat”….you can feel the cushions, but you can’t have a seat….you can dip your foot in the pool, but you cannot have a swim…..etc. One day, you look at that menu and you don’t like anything on it that much anyways….there are other menus thank you very much. It doesn’t matter how much my “so called” husband brings to this roommate situation we have going on, the FACT of the matter is, I didn’t sign up to be his roommate.
Before I got married, I had a male friend who needed to stay with me a few days (I forget why, but we were only friends and it was very short term). Well, since we weren’t involved, I didn’t think it would be a problem, and I offered him to sleep in my bed so he would be comfortable. After the first night, this man said to me that he refused to do that again unless we had sex, because it was just too hard for him. I was stunned, and I did not end up having sex with him (he took his ass to the couch!), but I feel like telling my husband that. Oh, we have separate rooms, but for some STRANGE reason, my husband wants to sleep in my bed every night. I feel like telling him the next time he takes his clothes off in front of me, or puts that thing of his in my bed, he better be prepared to follow through on the temptations he’s throwing my way.
That brings me to another point. How much has it sucked over the years to have this man undress in front of me, and me feel that attraction to the naked man before me and I make some flirtatious remark to him only to have him outright dismiss me and act all embarrassed…..seriously???????…….Of course, I could take my clothes off, start masterbating in front of him, and he would barely, IF, notice at all. Last month we were gardening together over a long weekend and for 3 nights, we bathed (me in the tub, him in the shower)……he, not once, noticed he was in the bathroom with a naked woman. For me, it was like torture, because out of respect for his “condition”….whatever the f that is…..I have to stand in a bathroom with a naked man and act like (and believe me, it’s an act)….it has no effect on me…..act like this is as typical as being in the girl’s locker room at the gym (where I actually don’t feel attracted to women walking around with no clothes)…….
Its bizarre, absurd, uncomfortable, annoying, disheartening, painful, rejection……and screw it….if he can’t “get into” me, then it behooves me not to “get into” him, either. The only real rub here is, for some strange reason, I give a damn that he wants to stay married to me…..glad he’s comfortable here, but I AM NOT….and that matters. I cant continue to play house with this guy. I am going to lose it….and you know what, he’s not worth that….no one is worth that. He needs to get to stepping.
From the day my husband returned from his navy discharge on may 28th 1985, he slept on his mat in the computer room and I slept in the bed. several times that iast 2 years hom ne returned at 4 am from his job. Usually this happened after a bad argument that I was not allowing him a sex life unless he stopped his defiance. to his father and others in the community about seniority he was due/ I just wanted a peace with the people there. He would walk in angry and grab the ic3w maker bucket in the freezzer and the kick the bedroom door open and throw the entire ice bucket in the bed saying that should keep the ice queen comfy then go back to his mat leaving ,me crying and drying the bed out, That first twoyears we had hoped he would see he should go back to the military and go 18 more years with them. In 1987 I gave upon that idea. started planning the Rome vacation. He was planning to use that as the honeymoon we never had. the month before his father came over with the girl that caused my statement of no sex two years before and her father, an area manager in my husbands plant. They wanted me to get my husband to cancel his vacation at work, so his daughter and her fiancé’ could be married in a June wedding in Rome.
So I went to my husband and explained the need and he knew his going would just get everyone angry and he would not hear the end. I had to promise on my bible and sign a notarized copy of what I had sworn to. that when we got back we would say nothing about the vacation he wanted, that I would stop the sex embargo and any time any place and any way he wanted I wold be a willing companion.
I just was not expecting the second my foot was off the plane he was starting the road trip he wanted west. Things got really bad about the suggestion to go in mid winter. It was the suggestion for every vacation from then on. he hated this idea. It would have made the lives of many so easy. I could have started the life he felt was due him long ago with just a little give to his way of thinking, considered people were just not a numbered place on a list that told them they had rights at that time. If just one year even one time he would have backed gracfully away from his own ego and had something that approached a real heart instead of a logic chip that told him we were using him. His life would have been mudh different.
Lonely Wife 2,
I am sorry to hear that you are in the same hell as the rest of us here (we are neighbors in sex-starved hell! Howdy, neighbor), but it sounds like there may be hope yet for you. I know it doesn’t seem like that when you are living in it, but your husband is at least willing to offer you companionship? I know you want more than that, but it seems that you 2 could build on his efforts to try to share activities with you (taking up gardening with you) to transition from friendship into lovers? If you don’t know how to do this yourself, perhaps you could seek 3rd party, professional, help to guide you (even if he won’t go with you, go by yourself, but he might surprise you and join you like he does with activities).
It also sounds like he is very immature and confuses needing you with loving you. Perhaps he does love you but doesn’t know how to express it properly or have an adult relationship? Perhaps he is scared to make himself vulnerable to you, especially if he senses your resentment?
I know it seems hopeless, but as someone on the outside, I think you should give it one more try. If not, it’s understandable. Please don’t slide into the resentment (I have to tell myself this every day). It does nothing to improve the situation and will ultimately eat you up inside instead of hurting him (it does, just not to the same extent as it does you).
Only you can decide what is best for you, but as an outsider looking in, I think you should exhaust ALL options since it sounds like there is at least a friendly foundation to build upon.
Good luck!
I thought I was alone in this. I was married at 17 and divorced with a son at 27. He turned out to be gay. Married again just over 2 yrs later to an older more virile man who loved being with me and we were married for 14 yrs but divorced him because of his violence which was just terrible at times. Two more sons from this union. On my own for over 3 yrs enjoying finding myself and grounding my children, eldest then working and younger sons in senior school. I finally felt I liked myself and my confidence came back, I got fit and joined the boxing club, more to make sure no man lifts his hand to me again and remains standing. I was loving life and have never been scared of being on my own. I love my independence. Then I started dating again, had a few dates nothing further as I decided the man I wanted and would not compromise. In walked husband number three. We lived together for 4 years and he was everything I wanted. We got married and things changed. He seemed different but subtle that I kept thinking it was me and I was imagining it. His mother lived 2 hrs drive from us and although we only saw her about once every couple of months she called at least 5 times a day. He spoke to her about everything that went on in our lives and I felt like I had married his mother too. We fought a lot and he would use the excuse of not wanting to upset me when she called, by going outside to take her calls for up to an hour at a time and this went on all night, every night. I started hating her as she had more time with my husband than me. I work hard, have a good job and earn a lot more than him. He has a manual job but that doesn’t bother me, he works and that’s important. He stopped being affectionate with me as soon as I started complaining about his mother and how s suffocating it was for me as I could feel her breathing through the walls of our home. She knew exactly what we were doing, where we were going and who we saw, what we discussed. It was so frustrating. I went through periods of ignoring it mostly because nothing I said made a difference and then would sometimes loose it and scream out of frustration. We were both in our 40’s at this time so well able to make decisions of our own. He was married before and apparently his mother called every day then too. I have asked what his ex said and he won’t discuss it just that his mother didn’t like her. Well his mother passed away early this year and my first thought was finally I get my husband back as our first year together was just us, she didn’t encroach on us, it just got this bad once we married. Well since her passing I wake up and he is sleeping in the spare room every night now. We never have sex and when I talk about it, for the last 3 yrs now since we married, he makes excuses that he doesn’t know and that its him not me. It started off 4 times a week and over the last 2 yrs we are now intimate one every two or three months if I am lucky and he wants to do it. I have tried initiating and the rejection is demeaning so I won’t go there. Even then it’s wham bam thank you mam and he is left satisfied and me wondering what just happened and more frustrated than before. He is not sick or having health problems. We are both very healthy. He says he loves me and generally we have a very good relationship, we are amazing friends and have each other’s back but apart from that no affection unless he sees I am getting too upset then he holds my hand. I feel worthless as although I an 51 now I do still turn heads and I want to feel desired. I have met someone who is new at work and find him very desirable which shocks me as I have never left a man for another and have never cheated ever. To even think of being with this other man is scaring me as its not in my character but I feel so cheated by my husband as I too feel like I have entered a marriage full of promises where I have been deceived. I now have very little confidence in myself. My husband and his mother have eroded who I was and now my husband has made me this lonely empty shell of a person which he seems quite content to continue living like this thinking or believing its ok. I am getting more and more depressed and often think of taking my life back and leaving. The only thing stopping me is what my kids will think of me. I thought I found the most selfless, kind amazing man yet I feel I married a controlling selfish jerk.
My marriage has been messed up since the day we said I do. I didn’t know it but after we has sex a couple of times he told me sex was horrible and boring. It did absolutely nothing for him plus also he said it was messy, smelly and couldn’t understand what couples liked about it. It made him sick about having ever have sex again. At that time he decided that he wasn’t going to have sex with me or anyone else again. He apologized and said that he needed space, so permanently moving to the basement. I have no idea what set all this off, but it made me angry, lonely and so upset I cried for what seemed like days. Finally I took myself to the doctor he prescribed some pills to settle me down. Right then I should have gotten an divorce but as I always do is stupid things I stayed and think how miserable I’m and feel sorry for myself. We have lived in the same house like tenants. We haven’t talked in years except at tax time. He is not gay or have a special someone on the side I’ve had him followed by agencies but nothing, he’s boring. Almost 70 now and finally decided I’m not wasting my time any more and accepted my life.
I really felt empowered reading both Lonely Wife posts. Thank you. I also enjoyed the gym suggestion. I have to use that as an outlet anyway. I have been divorced from an oversexed man. His sexual needs always came first and this attitude caused me a lot of damage emotionally. I didn’t divorce him for that, but it certainly changed how I felt about him. I like to have sex every few days and multiple times on weekends. Early morning, late at night, afternoon delight….it doesn’t matter. But I will not be hounded for it day after day when I’m 7 months pregnant and on bed rest or any time really.
Now i am having the opposite problem. I recently got back together with an old flame. I am a struggling single mom now and this was a light at the end of the tunnel. He lived very far away and we would have amazing weekends together every 6 weeks or so. He called me every single night. He has only wanted me since we met at 24, but his inability to express or show emotion caused me to break up with him twice. Ten years later, we still love each other. He quit his job and moved here. That was 6 months ago. He cooks, cleans, and helps with my child. He never gets angry. It has been 3 weeks since he has initiated anything sexual. Not even a deep kiss. This started as soon as he moved here. I look amazing. I can date just about anyone that I want. Not a 10, but close to it. I am 35 and look 25. He has aged and gained a big beer belly, but man does he still turn me on. We sleep naked together and he almost never touches me. When I touch him, he makes excuses or doesn’t participate. One Saturday night he said we needed to go to bed early because we have to go to work Monday. I told him I was going to frame that stupid azz quote. I try to just cuddle and he doesn’t participate. He half heartedly pats my naked back. I have screamed and cried at him. I have threatened to cheat. I have asked for an open relationship, but he doesn’t want that. He claims to want to make me happy, then ignores my needs. I have asked for him to just initiate cuddling on the weekends we don’t have my child, but he never does. I can make him do it by demanding it and telling him exactly what to do, but after being rejected a few times, I am tired of doing that. I have given up and I am currently very emotional about it. I have good and bad hours throughout the days. I don’t want to go back to struggling alone, so I am just going to cheat if the opportunity presents itself. Hopefully it will be a man in another dead relationship.
Exactly. I am so emotional right now because I have an opportunity to cheat and feel alive again, but just can’t get the guts to do it. I can’t hardly eat, I can’t sleep. The thoughts of actually having an attractive man interested in me and the thoughts of actually feeling alive again is so very tempting. I was raised to believe cheating on your spouse is unacceptable. I divorced my first husband because he cheated on me. Now I sit here comtemplating the same thing. I feel like I would be betraying my current husband who adores me in every way except for the love connection. No kissing, no touching, nocuddling, no holding hands, NOTHING. So I have a dilemma only I can try to dicipher. I have a friend in the same situation. She has had an ongoing affair while married with a married man for 33 YEARS, yes that’s right 33 years. She says sex with him is as exciting now as it was the first time 33 years ago. They both have remained in their marriage. They are totally discreet and she said if it hadn’t been for her affair she could never have stayed married to her children’s father who is good to her but absolutely clueless about affection. So, anyway, what to do?
I hear you!
I am in the same crummy situation – but I’ve made up my mind!
20 years ago my husband decided that he doesn’t believe that sex is that important . . . ! So here we are 20 years later. We miraculously had kids – who are wonderful. I thought things might get better after they grew up a bit. Nope. After going to counselling. Nope. How many hundreds – nope thousands of nights have I gone to bed feeling lonely and rejected. FAR TOO MANY. Now I’m in my early 40s. A beautiful kind man is SUPER attracted to me and I to him. I’ve met him once in a hotel room and it was 4 hours of the most mind-blowing sex I’ve every had. I do not want to shrivel up and die. I have a beautiful young body and the ability to enjoy it. My husband has had 20 years to change his way. He is lovely in a million ways. But my needs don’t matter to him. Never have. So, it’s time for me to take care of myself before I shrivel up and die. I’m meeting my new ‘affair partner’ again soon, and every cell of my body is vibrating with excitement. Wish I’d found him 10 years ago. (BTW – he’s also in unsatisfying sexual relationship with wife – we are saving and holding one another. It’s beautiful.)
So – I say . . . . Go for it!!!
AB
Think I may have to hunt for a woman in the same boat as me and copy you Annabelle
I’m so happy for you. Wow, four hours of mind-blowing sex. Wow!!!
I just want to say to all on this blog, that it’s nice to know that I’m not the only one feeling lonely and unhappy. You see…I’m a husband of a woman who was molested in her early teens. I’m the type of person that “in love” means that you feel “connected”. And when you make love, you really do become one. With my wife, it’s just sex and nothing else. We’ve been married for almost 35 years with three adult children and over a year ago I stopped trying to be intimate with her. Our intimacy was good when she wanted children, but afterward it was like begging. She never reaches out for intimacy and when I did, she would turn her head to the side and cover up as much of her body as possible. It’s always been that way. I have worked long and hard with one full time job and another just to try and help with college for our kids. She’s doesn’t work at all now, and only took temporary jobs throughout our marriage. We’re nearing retirement, and she already is, and we don’t have enough retirement to cover much of anything. We’ve been to counseling for over 6 months, and it did nothing. She’s my roommate. Nothing more, and it’s never going to change. You see, I’m the “suffer” in the title of this blog. I’ve endured all of this and I don’t want it anymore. I’ve talked till I’m blue in the face about my unhappiness with so many aspects of our marriage, and it’s like she ignores me thinking I’ll get over it. Our 35th anniversary is soon. I’ve told her in the past that I would leave if she didn’t improve. I’m afraid that she might try to harm herself. I’m mentally separated now, so I’ll begin a series of changes in my life. I’ll let my children know just before I start and ask them to support the both of us. I think I’ll be better off in retirement and happiness. I don’t have much time left to enjoy. I’ll be looking for the soulmate I thought I had and don’t now. I too will cheat in hopes of finding her out there. I’ve been abandoned which is like being cheated on my entire marriage. I feel as if her finding out that I’ve cheated is better than just walking out in some ways, but why should I take the blame and extra divorce costs of that when I’m the one abused now. I’d like to know what others think.
According to the Bible, (between married spouses) sex is a right, not a privilege.
Its good to know I’m not the only one in a sexless marriage. I haven’t had sex for 5 years and then she wasn’t really enjoying it just going through the motions. Before that it was about 10 years. What is the answer? I have had a couple of affairs and if I could meet some one I would have another one. What else can I do?
Hi everyone,
It’s hard to write this. I got divorced 5 years ago, and met the woman of my dreams. We had a great few months — soulmates, everything in common, fascinated by each other, and great, great sex. My problem (which I actually see as insignificant now, compared to what it’s caused), was that I couldn’t understand why I was 95% the active partner and she was passive. I asked for her to reciprocate more, and tried the smallest ‘baby steps’ — backrubs, massages, a few minutes of caressing. My requests seemed to come across as demands, and she ‘rebelled’ by shutting down more and more. I got very jealous and insecure, because I knew she had been quite sexually active with her previous boyfriends, and could NEVER understand (or get an explanation that made any sense) why she was holding back from me.
So I admittedly made her life difficult for a while, asking her questions, asking her why she wouldn’t do things with me that she did with them. To her, I was probably excavating her soul and violating her privacy. To me, I was desperately trying to understand why this person who SEEMED so in love with me, was so unwilling to be physically intimate with me. And then she stopped having sex with me of any kind, for 3 years. Finally I just asked if she would, when we were in bed together, just place her hand on my erection for like 10 seconds, even over my clothes, just so I would not feel invisible. But she won’t do those things. No matter how small the step I try to propose, she won’t do it. Making out on the couch while watching a movie? No. A quick mutual masturbation before sleep, or in the morning (or at any time of the day)? No. Me giving her a FOOT MASSAGE? No. Like….I don’t know….WTF is a person supposed to do? And the crazy part of it all, is that I am made to feel like the messed up one. I feel like I’m seen as some oversexed animal, when in truth, I think I am a normal person with sexual and emotional needs who is being completely neglected. It is destroying me. It is actually destroying my sanity and will to live.
So now, I’m married to a woman my kids adore, and who is a wonderful, wonderful step-mom. And she’s a great best friend. I love her dearly, and would gladly stay with her for the rest of my life, except I cannot live without some physical intimacy and contact. I am a very sensual person, and to me, sex is like — better than music, better than food, better than dancing. Sex is, or rather, can be, freaking incredible. But more important than the “awesome sex” itself, sex is so important for feeling connected, for feeling wanted and appreciated. I think sex is a fundamental need.
The result of 3 sexless years with a woman that I am so attracted to I actually masturbate to thinking about HER most of the time, is that I have become severely depressed. My work life has absolutely crashed; I’ve dropped all the projects I was involved in and have let so many people down that I am ashamed of myself professionally. I’ve let my friends and family largely go, and spend most of my days just…..I don’t know….hiding from the world until there’s something I absolutely have to show up to. The only thing I’ve held together is my relationship with my kids. So far, they don’t know that we are struggling and that I am severely suffering. But soon enough, they’ll figure that out too. I just don’t know what to do.
I truly don’t want to cheat. I don’t want another divorce. I can’t imagine putting my kids through a second divorce in, like, 6 years, and destroying their relationship with their step-mom, who they love so much. She has such a special relationship with them. I feel like we could be the happiest couple, and we get along so great, except this one issue. But it’s not an issue you can just ‘forget about’. It is a basic need. I need sex. I need physical connection. And I want to just feel attractive again. I feel so ugly most of the time, like I am some disgusting human being that nobody would want to touch with the proverbial 10 foot pole. I know, objectively speaking, that I am pretty attractive, and I have had enough verification of that over the years. But that knowledge doesn’t really matter anymore, when I have been rejected, on a daily basis, for years by the woman I love, the woman who was (I thought) excited to take marriage vows with me, but who simply will not be there for me sexually. I want to feel like I can make my partner feel good. She won’t even let me rub HER back! I would happily, at this point, return to being the 95% active person and have her be the passive, but willing partner. That was infinitely better than what we have now, which is….nothing.
I am married to a woman who will be my roommate and my friend, but not my lover. And it’s not even ‘breaking my heart’ anymore — my heart is so thoroughly destroyed that I feel like an empty shell. I don’t even know who I am much of the time anymore. I want out of this relationship, but getting out is impossible without causing so much pain to so many people. I feel like there’s no way out. We are in counseling, and I am hopeful, but……well, okay, I’m not really that hopeful. Just desperately clinging to the smallest shred of hope, because I have nothing else to cling to.
I’m sorry to just moan and complain, but I really appreciated all the stories and comments above. At least I don’t feel so alone. So maybe this story will resonate with someone else. Good luck to you all.
Dear Rest of my life:
Leave and run fast, I’ve been married to a ‘man’ for over 20 yrs. and there have been times it has gone over 2 yrs. without. We are currently at the 8-9 mth mark. Doesn’t seem to bother him, he gets off and sports, drinking and bs-ing.
You’re very likely to get negative responses from this website, but I’d like to be a person who gives you some positive feedback.
When you say that your wife used to have sex with her previous partners, it got me to think that perhaps there was something that you were doing which was making her unless attracted to you.
Now, this is going to sound silly but just hear me out. Stop asking her for sex. Never, ever ask her for it. It might be what’s turning her off of sex in the first place.Your fear of being rejected by her is making you incredibly undesirable in her eyes.
Instead, come up behind her and touch her. Don’t be scared of rejection. Approach her as if you know you’re the most desirable person in the world and you just KNOW that she wants you, even if she doesn’t show any signs of it. Tell her you know she wants you, and sound sure of yourself. The more sure you are, the more she’ll reciprocate herself. Go on your own terms from there.
Most women just need their men to take more charge and to be more confident.
I wish someone gave me similar advice about men.
I don’t like to read that other people are going through this but it helps to see I’m not the only one. My story is the same as most I’ve read. My husband and I have been married for 20 years and we’re in our 40’s. The first few years we did have sex but then we had children so I think I blamed the no intimacy on that. I thought will the stress of no sleep was maybe why he wasn’t trying to touch me. Well, our children are older now and I’ve been begging him for years to even just TRY to give some kind of physical touch. He’d blame it on that we were fighting. I laugh at that because most any other man I know would still want to have sex if they had some small spat before bed or not. I’ll add in that I’ve never been overweight, I know I’m attractive and nothing is wrong with me. I’ve tried everything I know such as wearing sexy things and texting things to try to peek his interest. Nothing works. If I’m lucky We’ll have sex once a month. I would love to have it 2-3 times per week. I have to realize he doesn’t want to try. I don’t want a divorce but I
did tell my husband that I will be getting a boyfriend that can give me affection and physical touch that I know I deserve. I’ve begged all I’m going to beg. I’ve tried so hard for our marriage and he can’t give me these small things that I’m asking. It’s embarrassing to talk to my friends about it because their husbands actually want them. Signing off as lonely, beautiful woman longing to be touched, as my husband is in bed rolled over as far as he can away from me so he doesn’t accidentally touch my arm.
shay,
I understand, but just be prepared if you do seek someone who will give you these things that 1) your husband will be incredulous that you could cheat and what an awful person you are (after all these years of nothing) and 2) it will not fulfill all your needs, and will only fulfill you emotionally for so long, I think most women seek a physical and emotional connection, one that is continuous and long term, not just occasionally when you can sneak away. Plus all the sneaking is ok at first, but gets old quickly and if the other person is also married and unwilling or unable to leave their spouse, you kinda begin to feel used. Just thoughts from someone who has been there, done that. My next stop is GONE! I’ve thoroughly had it with this asexual sob! This part of marriage should not be this complicated, it is kinda what keeps the other parts on track and relieves the tensions of the everyday crap and spats that come along from a normal marriage and family life. Keep yourself in shape and a good head on your shoulders, this is not about you, but at some time, you may have to make it about you and choose to leave. It takes a toll and you have to decide how much you are willing to pay in emotional health to keep this marriage going. I am overweight, and often wondered and even asked him outright if that is why, but no answer from the King, however, he is overweight too.
I was am in an almost sexless marriage. Ive been with my husband for 8 years married 5. Weve sex less tha 30 times. I haye having to beg for it. This past year I started cheating. Eventual I confessed after weeks of his speculation only to find out he the with holding husband had cheated as well. Were trying open marriage for our two year old. Im just not sure how I feel about it all. I did demand the open marriage but he’s been jealous lately wich I hate. We get along good and are friends but it not enough.
My wife lays there every night and acts frigid. It is because she occasionally gets a strange bug up her ass about something mysterious. I am tired of the games and love her but am sick of dealing with this mysterious unknown bullshit. She won’t simply say what is bothering her but withholds bedroom activity as some form of punishment. She is worthless as a wife in this way and won’t change. Every time i get close to her sexually and enjoy the closeness it develops she booby traps it with these games. Women are just to complicated to deal with. They use sex as a weapon and hammer you over the head with it all your life.
I’ve been on both sides of the fence. First marriage was to an older man who would be finished if I made the slightest sound or response… I left him after 6 years of loneliness and his refusal to seek help. And my advice to all of you that do not have children or have grown children… LEAVE. Don’t torture yourself or your spouse. Life is short!! He found someone he was more compatible with and I had some AWESOME experiences that I would have missed if I had stayed with him. And him and I are still platonic friends.
Unfortunately, I did not choose wisely in my second marriage either and now I’m with a man who is in the “sexless marriage” shoes. I feel for him, I really do. I try to please him at least once a week… but I really only want to have sex maybe once a month these days. Our problems are mainly due to waaaaay too much baggage and unresolved issues, poor communication, unsuccessful counseling, etc. He’s requested open marriage… but only open for him. Since I still want to have occasional sex… I do not agree to his request (STD’s among many other possible unpleasantries keep this option out for me). To be honest, I would prefer that he leave and be happy. This situation is miserable for him and for me. I’ve told him that he is free to leave. I have a track record of a fair divorce. But he’s got so many fears about not meeting someone else and about not getting to see the kids (although, this is not something I would ever do to him but because he had a friend whose wife did it to him… he’s freaked about it). Anyhow… just wanted to give some views from both sides of my fence. The bottom line… LEAVE! 🙂 You can think of a thousand excuses not to but the base line is that fear is most likely what is keeping you in a miserable condition.
Well, i see this is a grinding point on many marriages. I am 60 yrs old and i wonder why in tha hell i have remained in a sexless, passionless marriage for so long. When i look in tha mirror , i am totally disgusted that i haved lived a lie for almost 30 frigging years. A little history may shed some light on my situation but in a nutshell, i am too dam decent for my own good and just suffer because of it.Married at 18 to my highschool sweetheart, god knows i loved that woman with every fiber of my being. She was everything i ever wanted , a great sex life, smart, sexy, guys would stare at her wherever we went. I have always been possesive and jealous because of her looks and the attention she always received.we had 2 kids and she was a stay at home mom 10 yrs after our marriage she decided to go to college . I had no problem with this until i came home from work late at night and i was looking for a piece of paper to write down something from work on, her books and notebook were lying on tha dining room table. When i opened her notebook , there was a letter she had written to her best friend that had just moved out of town. The letter said that she had been enamored with an older man at college and that even though she still loved me she felt that we had a lot of issues in our marriage and she felt she was missing out on life because of the time she spent with our kids raising them and the fact i was always gone.. The only thing i had ever been guilty of up to this point is working a lot to provide for my family. Needless to say, this knocked me out. Several times i caught her in a lie about her whereabouts, supposedly at college but was not. Anyway, i felt she had abandoned me and our two kids from what she wrote. Within a year, i had found someone who i thought would be a great person to be with because she also had 2 kids and was such a devoted mom to her kids. I divorced and remarried 6 months later, ended up getting custody because my x always left my 2 kids alone all tha time. She was a legal secretary who worked for a high profile lawyer reckon she figured i’d let my 2 kids rot with her but after my investigator got tha goods on her, i was awarded custody and child support. Now, 30 yrs later, kids grown and gone , grandkids, but have absolutely nothing in common with my wife.I feel as if my good heart and easy going attitude has betrayed me and i am totally disgusted with my self. No sex,none, 20 + yrs, do i just roll along and die with my frustration and put on my fake happy face or do i leave and try to find someone who has something, not just sex, anything that we would have in common. I have no doubt there’s a lot of older people in my shoes, sure wish there was an easy answer , woulda, coulda, shoulda, story of my life.
I think I would move on and find somebody else….why be unhappy?
My wife and I have been happily married for nearly 18 years. But there are long periods of time where it is sexless or nearly sexless. She has a medical condition that affects her hormones and absolutely destroys her libido for months at a time.
She understands that I have certain needs and that she has trouble helping with those needs, so she gave me permission to have “friends.” But I am not the kind of guy who wants to just run around and sleep with lots of people. It took some time, but I found a woman in a similar situation where she was in a sexless relationship and we are now having a “monogamous affair” to meet our physical needs.
As odd as it sounds, more and more professionals are saying that if a marriage is otherwise healthy, that the only problem is one not wanting to have sex, than an affair might be a reasonable idea that can actually help their marriage as it takes the sexual problems out of the equation for the most part.
I know it works for us. I love my wife deeply and I am not going anywhere. And when she goes through the phases where she does have sexual desire, then it is all the better.
Hi guys wow so many replies.
Here is my bio
Age 32
Career fitness model & alpinist
Marriage – 8 total years with dating
Sex life – 2-3 times a year
Age difference – he’s 11 years older than me
Kids – one kid & obviously done LOL
I love having passionate sex. I’m Indian he’s Brit. But he’s made me his barbie doll wife. He loves me but has no mood for sex. I train 6 days a week and climb 4-6 times a year. I’m in the prime of my life.
I’ve got no big money career right now he supports me completely.
But he doesn’t want SEX. He says he’s too tired or stressed. All that usual crap. I’ve met a few guys on climbs and in the gym but never gone ahead.
Seriously hate being the cheater but I have a daughter too raise as an example. Feel sad and lonely. I do cry I watch porn I work out sometimes for 3-4 hours to take away the sexual feelings.
I’m really loyal cant cheat but what else is the cure ? Lonely life?
I can’t be a cheater I have my daughter to follow me
God help me it’s not about sex it’s about love and connection. I get hit on by guys everyday but it’s a no go. I feel pretty sucidal and UNHAPPY N DISGUSTED
No outlet for this I don’t drink smoke or do drugs. I don’t party. I train hours and hours in the gym for my awesome looking bod. And guess what no sex 🙁
I haven’t read one person on here say they’ve lived in a ‘marriage’ like this for how many ever years and said, “oh ya, I’m glad I stayed and been made to feel like there is something wrong with me all these years, been great!” Not one, so that should be your answer, if you can leave, LEAVE and move on with your life. Every year that goes by, you are not respecting yourself and your worth and desires-everyone deserves to feel wanted and appreciated in their life. As I stated before, I have been in a marriage like this for over 20 yrs. and all I’ve done is enable his sorry ass to live exactly as he pleases while making myself miserable, because he most certainly was not concerned about my feelings or desires. I did so mostly for my kids sake, but then I wonder, what have I taught them about relationships? We are letting this lazy pathetic people control our lives and feelings of worth. The funny thing is, I would never want my kids to live in a marriage like this, but I continue to stay…..WHY?
Why stay? Maybe because your relationship is a habit? One you find hard to break? Or it’s a multitude of things, habit, no financial way out, lack of close support network (family). I’m just surmising.
It’s not an easy thing to do, leave that is. I admire my friends that did just get up and walk out. One of my friends, three years ago, just left his wife and said clearly to me “I’m not going the rest of my life having sex once every two years”…. Now I’ve no idea what he was like to live with, he might be a horror, what I do know is both of them are now in happy relationships.
hi my dear people,
I do understand what u all r going through..
I’m too in the same boat as u all are..there was a.time when I used to cry every night beg my husband for sex. Its 11 yrs for our marriage, he stopped having sex with me 6 months after our.marriage…i kept begging , I kept crying & craving for his affection….but in vain….
but in the last 3 yrs I have
changed allot…i hv started to look at life positvely., NO MORE CRYING, NO MORE CRAVING FOR SEX. it does not help, it will just drag u further into depression..
PLEASE DONOT EXPECT YOUR PARTNER TO CHANGE…EXPECTATIONS REDUCE HAPPINESS..its absolutly a true saying. See the good thats happening in your life dont brood over something that u dont have.
Divert your attention from want of physical needs. I know its difficult but NOT IMPOSSIBLE….i hv turned
allot towards prayer, church activities, yoga…it helps u stay happy & contented : ) it has honestly stopped me crying for sex…i can feel the change in me..
I believe God doesent give us all we need…the ones who r satisfied sexually might not be financially sound…
I’m sorry…i might hv sounded rude or insensitive to ur situations but i’m happy today….hence thought of sharing my experience with u all : ) please Remember guys, my situation Is d same as yours : )
I fully agree Rosita, I’ve been married 5 1/2 years now and from the day we got married he lost intrest. It took him 2 weeks from our wedding night to properly consumate the marriage. On average we have had sex 4 times a year and we do not have children. For the first 4 years of our marriage the sexlessness for me was the root cause of all our agruements. We cuddle and kiss sometimes but at my initiation. I have now decided to stop asking and seeking his sexual attention. I have come to realise that he will not change we will never have children (I’ll be 38 next month). I am done with the embaressment and shame , the feelings of rejection. I too am a Christian and I take those marital vows seriously. Like you I channel that energy into other areas of my life and as a result of his lack of intrest I too have switched off. My confidence is now in God and not in the fact that my husband does not want sex with me. We have a better relationship now and I’m good with that. I don’t see the point in getting a divorce over this as there is no gaurentee that the next man in my life will not treat me the same. Its the whole jumping from frying pan to fire thing that’s my fear. Plus I feel that I can not relate to anyone sexually now.
Before we married I was totally single for 4 years so overall he has been the only man I’ve been with in a total of 11 yrs. I haven’t got the energy for anymore men in my life. I feel that in life there are winners and losers in all areas. In having a healthy sexual martital relationship I have accepted I have lost in this situation.
I will say this. I was in a sexless marriage for 10 years, (age 20-30), and boy do I regret the mother fucking hell out of it. To waste my youth for a man that didn’t want sex but was “oh so kind to me”. Bullshit. Not a day goes by where I wished I left sooner. Basically, any person who says he won’t have sex with you but you’re not allowed to get it elsewhere is a selfish asshole. You’re a possession to him. It’s abusive and it’s grounds for annulment. It’s NOT a marriage. Take the kids and run. If my son or daughter grew up believing they had to stay in such a fake sham or a marriage, Id be devastated. Im telling you LOUD and CLEAR. LEAVE. Now!!!!!!!!! TONIGHT!!! Go to a friend’s house, goto your parents house. Just get out. I actually left my husband at the age of 29 because wasting my life on a “nice guy”(who isn’t really nice if he doesn’t give a shit that you’re suffering) wasn’t something I wanted to look back on. I met an amazing man shortly after moving back in with my mother, was remarried 2 years later to a much sexier guy with an insane sex drive(Im having to turn him down occasionally). Best decision of my life. We’re celebrating 10 years together now. Please please please…don’t waste what is left of your life. Let your spouse find a fellow spouse who is asexual or has no sex drive. You don’t belong with him. Believe me when I say you will regret not leaving sooner!!
Oh, I am searching for an answer, for a solution of my marriage.I am 34 years old now, and he is 39, We have 2 children. Married since 2010, so nearly 7 years. And we have really bad Sex live. I am asking myself how long should I wait. Each year, we have at least 2 months, no contact, no sex, no kiss, the other months will be once per month for sex. And for 2, and 3 years we had at least 5 months, no contact at all. Sometimes I decide to sleep in the room of the children. We sleep in the same bed with no kiss, and no sex. I want a divorce, because It looks bad to a married woman to go out and look for sex. For my children, I came back and asked him to try. But everything stay the same. I am looking, reading to find an answer. LEAVE, should it be too selfish, just because of Sex. He earns money and support family. I started again to work, because I want to leave him. How my children could be? I am trying to find out. Please, someone could tell me how you guy are doing? Leave or stay, how your children are??
Nina
I can sympathize. I am a male, mid 40’s been in a sexless marriage for about 4 years (meaning 3-4 times per year at best). I have cheated and have been very conflicted about it. I love my wife, we have good aspects to our marriage just little to no sex. Her’s started after a total hysterectomy. Have tried counseling, hormones, self help books. I have begged for it. I have suggested an open marriage…she is not having any of that.
The other problem I have is when we do have sex, as rare as that is…I can tell it is just to get me off of her back. No matter what I do or how hard I try she just is not interested.
I have tried to explain my feelings, the loneliness the feeling undesired, none of it helps.
We have relatively young children (both around 10) and divorce has concerned me because I feel the courts are generally pro mom’s. Cheating seems my only outlet but that bothers me too and I know if she knew there would be issues.
I feel like their is no way out of this cycle. I have even prayed about this as I am a christian…no real answer to my prayers yet.
… I hear you! I’ve thought about cheating. But what puts me off ….. I stand to lose so much. It’s sad to say that but it’s true. I retired at 48 (still own a number of businesses that happily run themselves) and now have plenty of time … Sadly my wife is career mad.
Sad to say I’m in the same situation but the sad thing is I’m only 24. My husband is 36 & I’ve had the same conversation with him for 4 years straight about my need for sex. Sex came to a halt when I was 5 months pregnant with my now 3 & half year old. I haven’t even heard a compliment since then. It’s like we are roomates. I’ve always been crazy about him. All over him sexual wise but recently in the past month I’ve stopped because I’m tired of it being onesided. I’m tempted to cheat. I would up & leave but I gave up my career to take care of our children. I told him before if he didn’t change that it will be the end of our marraige yet 4 years later we are still in the same boat. Not to mention I’ve caught him looking at other women online! Cant wait for the day I get brave enough to leave him.
…..you must get the courage to leave. You will be happy again.
Jessica,
Agree with Leslie’s comment about leaving. You are too young to live the rest of your life (or at least the best years of your life) like this. I did just that and regret it more and more everyday. Please don’t do that to yourself. You will be happier and will raise happier children who see a healthy relationship, not platonic parents!
I’ve had sex with my wife twice over the past 18 months, she was pregnant with our 4th child. During the first 4-5 months of pregnancy she is not interested in sex, I can understand that and we have a little gap in the middle were we can and then the last 2-3 months I’m not interested, this isn’t due to attraction but purely a baby moving around and kicking, she tells me this is not normal but I can’t help imagining the baby when it starts kicking during sex. This pregnancy we had fallen out and did not have sex for the whole pregnancy. I have always made the advances and have been turned away a couple of times since birth, we have only had sex twice now and it’s now over a 6 weeks since the last time. During our years together my wife has only instigated sex once, she then twists it on me and says I have no sexual drive even though I have said on many occasions it would be nice if she instigated it. We have not had sex for years on a regular basis, it’s maybe once every 3-6 weeks, sometimes longer. I feel it is one sided and to be honest I’m bored and do not feel like making any advances, I want to be wanted for a change. She never kissed passionately, touches, at bed time I receive a peck on the lips. She is a great mum, I do love her but finding myself thinking more and more about other women. I am writing this merely to get it off my chest, am I wrong to expect my wife to come on to me now and again? Is sex maybe 8 times a year normal? I feel inappropriate thinking about other women and even from when we first got together I have been accused of cheating (I never have). We have 4 children and financially support each other. I should mention, after 2 children I was happy and didn’t want more, she wanted more and kept pushing which caused problems and she had threatened to have more children with or without me so I agreed, I’m happy we did but kinda feel like I’ve been used for children. anyway my rant is over.
Mike,
I was about to say you are at least having sex, then read the last line “with or without me”.
It sounds like , but please don’t take this the wrong way, that she’s made the decision that she’s done with what sex is about (making babies). I’m no councillor, but think may a discussion with her might be the way forward?
You need to know if you are going to see 8 become 6, become 4, become none …
Married my wife 8 years ago and sex dried up about 7 years 11 months ago. We do have sex occasionally when she gets emotional and hormonal once a month and she feels guilty for depriving me for so long but often there are circumstances that delay sex just long enough for me to miss that narrow window. We have no children likely due to the lack of frequent sex. I always get so angry when she tells people we are trying to have children. It feels like a slap in the face and is humiliating to see people look at me like I am incapable of getting her pregnant. Our lack of sex erodes my confidence in other areas too. I feel like a weak, incompetent, shell of a man not worthy of being desired. I have tried everything to make her life easier. I have taken on all the cooking and laundry duties so she might have more energy and time for me. All she does is fill her time with, and spend her energy on her own projects or her friends. She never says no to anyone else but says no to me all the time. I love her and she says she loves me but every year it gets harder for me to believe it. Looking at another anniversary soon that won’t line up with her mood. I feel so alone and nothing I say ever gets through to her. I just want to feel that connection with the woman I promised to be with forever. If not that, then I at least want a way to kill my sex drive for good.
This is quite a sad post. I can truly relate to it as I have taken on everything only to find that my wife finds more time and energy for hockey but not for me and not for sex. It’s very sad. My wife and I have turned a corner this year. There is hope. If you have tried everything though and it been patient with it my advice to you is simple. Leave. If you can’t leave due to the life you will miss out without any children you have or for financial reasons, have sex with someone else.
Not exactly sure why I am commenting – – but there is SOME comfort in the fact that others have sexless marriages? Been married 19yrs and this Christmas will be 10years since we have had sex. I have a strong libido – – but have been reduced to self satisfaction. My wife has gained a bit of weight after our third was born – -but I remain vigorously attracted to her and tell her that I adore and love the way she is – she initially refused because of ‘how she felt about herself’. Life has been stressful: money strains, job changes, business travel responsibilities – but I see NO hope because frankly she is disgusted with me (because I do not make X amount of money – to provide the lifestyle she wants). Though there were 3 years where we had great income – but no sex. All this to say, while there is some comfort in reading of others sadness about sexless marriage — 10yrs compared to 3 months is pathetic. I will not divorce her, nor she I because of our committment before God and family – but this is hard.
….you answered your own question I think, you will not divorce. If this is the case then I think you must at least talk? Discuss?
Just a thought.
Hi ………. feeling sooooo lonely and thinking im some kinda freak made me reach out to see if anyone else was going through what I was ………….and reading everything here I just cried so much and im still crying …….isnt it just the loneliest feeling to be rejected by the one person you love in the whole wide world !!!!!!!!!!! Iv been married 28 years to a guy I fancied since I was 18 loved him to bits and still do. He used to be easygoing and we wud do loads of stuff together weeknds away days out and we wud always pull up sumwhere discreet along the road for quick mad fun sex we felt like teenagers ………… im always wearing skirts and high heels and never go without my bit of makeup im size 12 and love looking good. BUT my husband is a serial flirt and cheater and I only got to know about an affair he had a few years ago which broke my heart………I could have left then but didnt want to break up my family…………..I moved on from that hurt and got on with life……………so did he ..but he continued secretely trying to get with women and suceeding. But we were still haveing the most amazeing sex life I just couldnt resist him and I loved him. But then he tryd to get with an ex girlfriend that lives in the same town as we live and I just had enough of him at this stage. So I went and had a one night stand with a guy and my husband found out and that was three years ago and to this day my husband has refused sex with me saying that he cant move on from what I did but that he is okay with kisses and cuddles but absolutely no makeing love or takeing clothes off or holding hands. But yet he has a facebook with loads of women on it and still trys to get with women that are just seperated that are on it. Im still in love with him and I could put up with the womanising that he does if he just went back to makeing mad passionate love to me again and make me feel that he still loves me and finds me attractive. But its dead and goneand I am liveing with a guy that just wznts my company now and have our home clean and dinner cooked and then leave him alone on facebook for hours ……??? Yeah I guess you will all say im sad and pathetic to not have left him ages ago but im still in love with him. Iv attempted to leave a few times but my family have talked me out of it and we both own our home which we want to leave to the kids but im gone like the dead walking, liveing with a man I adore and its like I repulse him that he wont have sex with me.i am now 51 he is 58.
I hear you loud and clear.
You need to love yourself before you can change this. It sounds like he has managed to make you love him so much you’ve lost all love for “you”.
If you can you should try to get away from this, you are young enough to feel the love, passion, fun, carefree world again with another partner.
Do you know any of your husbands friends that you could talk to about it? They, no doubt, already know what he’s like. Maybe they can make him snap out of this hold he has over you?
Just my thoughts, others may have theirs.
Whew…that was an amazing read. I’m exploring this sexless marriage issue knowing full well that every situation is different. Like most here I too have the loneliness and emptiness feelings that come from the lack of and/or withholding of affection, not just sex. She has her “chair” and can’t curl up on the couch to watch TV. Can’t come to bed with me and now with a recent graduate moving back into the house it has gotten worse. There is no private time to talk about it and I continue to distance myself which I know only makes things worse for both of us. As has been shared with a couple of other guys, I’m the sole income and have been virtually all of our 30+ year marriage. I’ve invited her to travel with me on business, not once taking me up on it. Begging for sex is over for me and it’s easier to simply take care of myself than deal with the humiliation of getting NO one more time. The thing is during the day I’m a confident business professional who makes decisions all day long and then come home to dinner on the table, and what would appear to be a neat and orderly house…that’s just not what it’s all about.
My paycheck and the ruse of “for better or worse, etc.” has gotten me to a point of not caring any longer…this to me is worse than the frustration of not having sex or the withholding of intimacy. This is not new, nor has anything worked to change things over a 15 year period. The particulars aren’t good and my options feel worse to me than hanging around waiting. That said, we haven’t had sex in four months, three times total this year and 8 times total last year. That may be enough for some, but every other month is a waiting game for when she is “ready”. In the meantime I take care of myself and have gotten to a point in saying, why am I doing this to myself? The pleasure isn’t there, it’s not what I want, and yet…what are my options? Leave is what I get from this blog post…run…run…run.
I’m afraid to say it but “run” as you put it is your only option.
My experience of friends is that it goes one of two ways when you run, she either fixes the issue or you part. If you part then it at least tells you it would have never have improved.
I am saddened amazed at all that I have read, on the other side of the coin feel a certain amount of relief that I am also not the only one. I am reading this just having left the marital after yet another night of no touching, not even a cuddle goodnight. My second marriage 2 yrs on at the age of 54, how did I get here with a man who does not want any intimacy yet wants me to sleep in the same bed with him. I am not unattractive I have not put on weight I keep myself fit etc etc. however attraction is about the way someone else can make you feel. I believe I am like most people on this forum, it is not the actual sexual act, it is the whole lack of intimacy that goes hand in hand.
I wish I had an answer but as one who is in the same position, I go around and around should I put up with what I consider abuse or do I leave ? for what ? for whom ?
Are we being scared of life ? It is easier to say we have one life you should leave but we all know that it takes courage and is or will it be the right decision. The choice is ours and that is the most difficult bit!
I share many of the experiences and feelings as others who have posted here. Married 25 years this August. Great kids, a lot of wonderful memories, but the last 10 years has come with a rapid decline of intimacy. I have asked for more, but she can’t seem to wind down from her day, or something is on her mind or feeling stress about something. For this year, we have had sex twice. Each time felt like me begging, leaving me feeling just as depressed as before. I carried on “hoping” things would change, but I am out of hope and starting to be realistic. We have very different feelings on the value of sex and intimacy, and I don’t see this changing. I’m just about to the point of leaving. I’m so lonely and stuck here, I could be still lonely but maybe with a fresh start to connect with someone who is attracted to me and shares the same desires for passion and intimacy.
I know exactly how you feel as i have been undergoing a sexless marriage for 3 years. Of course I talked to my wife and she told me it is your problem, not mine, or sex is not the most important thing. This situation is killing me and I have a two years old child who I love more than anything. I have even thought of taking pills to kill my sexual desire. This being said., In the last few days I have been reading a lot of information about this topic and I have something to tell you. 1.- someone who loves you doesn’t allow you to suffer so much, if your wife or husband does not want to have sex with you and he or she doesn’t empathise and try to find a solution or at least try to comfort you with love and care they are not worth your time in this world.
2.- you have the right to be happy. You really have the right to be happy. If you are not happy and nothing is changing stop complaining and move on, and I am guilty too of waiting for godot, waiting for a chimera that only exists in my brain. Trying to be happy is not selfish is a must.
3.- get out of there. Whatever it takes, the idea of seeing my little boy every two weeks just kills me, but I have made up my mind to be happy. I don’t want him to live with his parents acting like the terminator with no love or hugs or kisses or words of appreciation. I am 38, i am a good person and I’ve tried to make my wife happy, but I can’t even talk about my needs anymore. I feel depressed, sad tired and hopeless. But it is enough I am not going to take it anymore, I don’t want a person in my life who doesn’t care about my feelings and human needs. Now I know that it is my responsabilty to be happy, to look for a better life.
4.- love yourself. When love hurts so much it is not love but lack of love. Let’s get the hell out of the realtionship and start a life worth living.
I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. But it is not, the worst thing in life is to end up with someone who makes you feel all Alone. Robin Williams
So have you left yet then John?
Love and hugs to all on this ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡
Actually believed all that nonsense about God, Love and growing old together.
It’s interesting how some women will have sex with every guy they date and even date married men who need outside intimacy to “help with their marriage”. There are NO better story tellers than a woman with 10+ partners who then marries and shuts down sexually. The husband is always the problem and would NEVER think that telling her Mr about her past lovers and details best left unsaid would somehow ruin the marriage. Well, OK, i am a loser. Marriage is a waste of time. It’s better to remain single and screw any women you can. Heck, women screw any d**k any time. Death cannot arrive soon enough for me. There is NO greater feeling of loss than realizing you accepted the bulls**t your parents, priests and society told you. What a waste of a life…
I have lived with my boyfriend since 2010. We got together because of sex. Really awesome, creative, mind blowing sex. A year or so into living together, things stopped. Not a grinding halt, because I did try to talk to him, express my self, and then later, cry. This year, I have had sex twice. I no longer instigate, because the refusal is inevitable.
I have always been a sexual person, but I dont try anymore because the outcome makes me feel even worse. Being turned down over and over is crushing to the ego. I have resolved to find sex somewhere else.
It is important to me, my boyfriend knows it is important, and he is consciencely neglecting me.
I can completely relate to this! Its awful to be turned away over and over again. It’s hard to stay loyal when your needs just aren’t being met. Sex is massively important to me and to not have a good sex life in my relationship is devestating. I read somewhere that some men withold sex as a form of passive agression which is what I feel my partner does to me as he knows it’s such a big deal to me. Sorry I have no advice to give you as I’m in the same boat. But just know you’re not alone in this. X
Lou / Star
Lou – yes I have to admit I’ve had the mindset of “I’ll switch off longer than you” on more than one occasion and did it work, I’m afraid it did not. My wife is married to her career now and our own children are growing up to adults fast.
Star – I’m afraid I also have no real advice, even as a man, I wonder if we were actually here on Earth to be with just one partner, because it seems to me that I find myself all to often “drifting” when a pretty lady walks past. The lack of sex can do this to the brain I’m sure.
Overall it is sad that as you get older the desire of some women (and men) seems to drop off. Is it a case of “I’ve done everything asked of me, engagement, marriage, children and now I’m having a career” .. who knows.
I’ve never been unfaithful and don’t suppose I will, however, as the years go by with sex every few months so the desire to have it drops on my part.
It’s a shame we could not have an anonymous chat session one evening to discuss it real time. I’m sure there would be some benefit in us all talking to each other. Who knows.
I wish you both well.
We have been married for 33 years. About ten years into the marriage she started losing interest in sex. About twenty years ago it stopped altogether. I tried for about two years to initiate it, but eventually just gave up. Her alcoholism doesn’t help much either as it makes her unattractive and untrustworthy. She is eight years older and I am in my mid sixties. Divorce would cost us both financially and make life a struggle or I could try to wait until she dies, but I don’t know if I want to wait any longer so I am thinking of divorce.
I’m happy I’m not alone in this. My partner witholds sex from me constantly. If I’ve upset him earlier in the day or we have a petty argument about somthing than that’s it, I get no attention or affection. He works away all week so is only home for two nights. I feel asif I’m constatly being punished for things I don’t even know I’ve done. I’m only young and vwould consider myself rather attractive but I’m stuggling to stay loving myself when he makes me feel so unwanted. He’s even told me to seek medical help as he thinks my sex drive is too high! Twice a week and a bit of affection inbetween would be great, I don’t think I’m asking too much. I worry I am going to cheat as I have alot of intrest from outside our relationship. I don’t want to cheat but I can’t carry on like this, he won’t open up about any of it. He says he loves me but he just doesn’t feel like having sex as much as I do :/ x
Lou, this one I believe is fairly simple. Either leave him or if you don’t want to or financially can’t, use the time he is away to have sex with someone who does want to. There is no shame in an adult wanting sex once or twice a week. It lasts for 15 minutes, it’s free of charge, it’s healthy and natural and what makes me so angry is (with my wife) when it happens it’s like she’s a child in a sweet shop. Clearly she enjoys it but can’t be bothered to maintain any level of frequency. Affairs are not ideal but neither is sitting around feeling rubbish for the rest of your life. There will be plenty of men out there prepared to have a casual arrangement 1-2 per week I assure you. Have fun.
I am shocked to see so many people in sexless marriages. I have been married 22 years. I am 64 and he is 67 years old. We have not had sex in about 13 years. He developed Rheumatoid Arthritis about 18 years ago, and blames the fact that he can’t perform on the RA. But, the simple fact of the matter is that he hasn’t tried either. I have needs that he hasn’t cared about. He told me at one point that he wouldn’t blame me if I had an affair. I never thought that I would be the kind of person that would.
I did it, and found someone 6 years younger than me who I thought would just be a “friend with benefits”. He is also in a sexless marriage, loves his wife, and doesn’t want to change his circumstances. But, here were are almost 2 years later, finding out that we love each other. He recently lost his job, and now he is cutting off all ties with me. THIS BREAKS MY HEART. We only saw each other maybe once or twice/month. But our daily emails or texts letting each other know that we were thinking of each other really meant something to me–showing me that someone actually cared for me.
My husband and I are currently in counseling, he states that he wants to get back to the man he was when we married–I love him, but I don’t feel in love with him. I am totally devastated over losing my lover. And since my husband depends on me for just about everything (including the extra income–he found out that he could not afford a decent place to live on his own without my salary)–, I would feel guilty for leaving him. I don’t want a sexual relationship with him anymore–I think those feelings are long gone after him now caring about my feelings for 13 years. I feel trapped with him and lost over losing someone who I thought was really my best friend. I just want to feel whole again, and I don’t know what to do.
I am in a 22 year sexless marriage and it’s my own fault. Ever since I started dating at age 15 I have had trouble getting sexually aroused with a woman after dating for a short time. Everything is fine sexually and then it’s like somebody turns off a swirch and I lose all sexual desire. So I spent 15 years going from woman to woman with no relationship lasting any more that a few weeks, When I was 35 I wanted to get married and have a family and when I met someone I wanted to marry I started suffering loss of desire for her just like all the others. But she was the understanding type and said we could see a therapist and get the problem fixed after the wedding.
But after years of going from therapist to therapist we gave up. She has stayed with me all these years and the marriage is good despite there being no sex. I’d like to leave and go back to the sexual lifestyle I knew when I was single. But the fact she has stuck it out with me makes me feel guilty to staying with her. I haved had sex with anyone in over 2 decades and I am always very sexually lonely. I once suggested an open marriage but she refused.
While reading these stories is tragic (everyone here has my complete and utter sympathy) I have found a small measure of solace in knowing I’m not alone. It’s bloody awful. My wife of nearly 8 years and I had a fantastic sex life before we got married. After we got married it started slowly but surely going down in frequency. Once a week became once every other week which became once monthly then once every other month. This latest stretch has been 9 months. Each interval change has been deeply upsetting and has given way to bitter feuds. For the last 9 months I’ve been absolutely climbing the walls. There are tons of contributing factors:
1) We are struggling financially
2) My wife is perimenopausal
3) She has admitted that she feels like she’s lost herself and lost touch with the things that make her her
4) She suffers from migraines
5) She’s perpetually depleted from starting her days at 5:30AM and arriving home at 7PM
6) We’re older parents. My wife gave birth when she was 43. We’re both 49 now.
7) My wife has severe working mom’s guilt and deprives herself of alone time to recharge her battery. My son senses this (I think) and exploits it. Gets feisty or teary whenever she leaves the apartment even to get a pedicure. If she has to do an overnight all hell breaks loose. And she becomes crippled
8) My son has been in our bed for 2 1/2 years. He’s been crawling in later and later but he still sleeps with her.
9) All discussions when he’s not around which is almost never or when he’s asleep have to do with my son and how wonderful he is. Nothing sexual about that.
There are other issues but you get the idea. I DESPERATELY want to make love to my wife. But the toxicity level has been at gargantuan levels since January. It’s far easier to vilify me for our financial travails than it is to do some serious introspection. And it’s compounded by the fact that she’s british and loathe to express herself. We can’t talk about our days except only in the most surface ways. She’s resolved to never bring her day home with her and won’t allow me the space to air any of my complaints from the day. We tried counseling but with her insurance not covering marriage counseling it got to be too expensive. Moreover our problems could be solved “if I would just listen”. And in the end she never developed a comfort level with the whole therapy process.
I’ve had a significant professional crisis in the wake of the 2008 meltdown which has taken its own heavy toll. Life has taken me in the direction of being a stay at home/work at home dad. And it’s not been easy at all to get business and as such revenue coming in the door. My wife has decided its best to roll the performance in with the person. How can she want to make love to someone she feels is a loser. So with all that it’s been very easy to villanize me rather than take a look at herself.
In February I literally started working with a buddhist to help me not react to the alternate badgering and/or cold clinical conversations. This pushes my buttons. I’ve worked so hard to not react as the toxicity level has ratcheted up while at the same time channel love, compassion, humility, empathy and again more love. It’s made me a better man and I’m a willing participant in this endeavor but it’s only been absorbed by my wife and has not come back to me in the way of affection, physical love or really any other way.
I said I do forever till death do us part and I take that seriously. But I’m so incredibly lonely in my marriage. My wife doesn’t want to spend time with me. She told my sister she’d rather go to dinner with her girlfriends than me because they don’t care what she looks like. In her profound misery and sense of being lost my wife has ceased any attempts at dressing up or wearing anything other than long, loose fitting, bulky clothes. She used to wear nice skirts with boots and sexy tights and stockings and turtlenecks. She uses sex and sexuality as a tool in that way. Maybe this is typical guy mind set but my interpretation of the way she dresses is that she’s a closed shop.
She and my son travelled to Europe to see my in-laws in England and headed over to France for a week. The night before they left she chose to go to dinner with another friend and not me even though they were leaving for 3 weeks and missed my birthday. And as further evidence of how my son has replaced me with her lies in a picture she posted. The two of them look like a couple.
They return tomorrow night and she texted me a few nights ago to say she had a lot of tears born of uncertainty about coming back. That rocked me to my core. But I sent a loving text or what I felt was a loving text saying I would love to embark on a reconnection journey with her. She responded so tepidly that it’s got me thinking now about my options. I’m trying to stay present and breathe and not make any hasty decisions. But we are so far from where we began as a couple that I’m not sure there’s anything more to be mined here.
I feel shame that I’ve indulged my curiosity on grown up hook up sites. I have felt like i’ve had no choice. I’ve wanted to have an affair just for me and my thought was it would take the steam out of the balloon with my wife and help me approach things with a clear head. Unfortunately the demand for married guys is not so high so nothing’s happened. I’m now starting to ponder my options privately. If she would just say to me that she doesn’t want to lose me and is willing to do what it takes to make it work then i would devote myself and my energy to that completely. But thus far she has not shown a willingness to own up to her mistakes. There’s no urgency or concern about losing me. I’ve tried to man up and take ownership of my mistakes and issues but she seems unmoved by this. I just want to rewind the clock to when we were dating and start over. I guess this is a quaint notion. Thank you for the forum to articulate all this.
I appreciate your honesty and sincerity. I feel comforted by seeing reflected in an other the willingness to look inside, and less hard on myself for doing the same with expressing legitimate sexual needs in a different form. It is difficult. Van you relate or resonate with the following? Thx for your response. I’d also like an update! And, while being in a sexless marriage, I am not sexless and also I am richly blessed in countless ways; it can be a significant edge not having direct physical intimacy at times and I, too, can judge myself for similar outlets chosen for sexual curiosity/ satisfaction. Yet, reservoirs of fresh energy continue to occur in how my wife and I share our interests and values as individuals and long time companions (sometimes war buddies). I am a better man because of this love, see my wealth of past intimacy issues-acting out/ lack of mindful communication as well as my focus and demonstration of new skills in listening, supporting her fully in her passion for music, and commitment as a step (grand)father. Our 15 plus years of age and libidinal difference is a bitch and it is what it is…active meditations (Osho), movement such as Feldenkrais and a very tactile grandson bring kinesthetic joy. Perhaps, as neither of my wife nor I lacked previous experience in (sexual) relationship b4 meeting, I am finding spiritual retreat/deeply shared fellowship and time for nature/ celebrated aloneness a blessing. and grace. And, I, at the same time miss skin on skin, limb on and @limb.
So many of us with similar issues. I guess we are not alone. I haven’t had sex with another human being in 20 years. We’ve been married for over 30 and it just faded. I tried for a couple of years before just giving up. I’m still horny, but none of the women I have been attracted to want to have sex with a married man. I can’t blame them. It might be disastrous. Been toying with divorce, but I am 65 and she is 73. It would be difficult for both of us and I really don’t want to cause any extra pain. I still love my wife, I think, but don’t feel any physical attraction any more. That is long gone. I started a blog just to write about things like this and anyone here is welcome to read it. http://womeniloved.blogspot.com/
I’m hoping I can learn something or change things.
Your blog is well written.
I have been married 31 years for the last 20 years my sex life has gone from bad to worse to non existent. My husband has neglected me on so many levels. When l would ask for sex he would laugh and call me his little sex maniac! The thing is l know l have always had a higher sex drive than him, but l tried to accommodate the fact his was lower. I did not ask for sex on a daily basis, no matter how much l needed it, but took his needs into account and stuck to once a week, and if l was lucky maybe twice. But always on his terms, always fast and unsatisfactory. He would finish and tell me how good l was but left me totally unfulfilled. Once a week became twice a month, then once a month, then once every 3 months to maybe once a year.
For the last 10 years nothing at all. He is 4 years older, so no great age difference. I convinced him to go to the doctor – he has no health issues. I am literally living with a friend. We don’t even share a bedroom. He thinks that touching my leg or patting my head is sufficient. I can’t remember the last time we kissed, l live in a totally platonic marriage.
I am miserable and depressed. I feel unattractive and totally cheated. I could put up with once a week. But this is totally unacceptable. I am 52 l feel as if life is going past. We have no intimacy, the gulf between us is so huge you need a cruise liner to cross. But he doesn’t see an issue and talks of the future.
I on the other hand feel suicidal at the thought of spending the rest of my life in an emotional waste land. I craze for human touch, to be cherished and desired. I don’t even feel female anymore. But after 31years l feel scared to walk away, l have been with him since l was 20. But l can’t contemplate living without intimacy anymore.
For the record 3 years ago l cheated for the first time, not done so since. Albeit very brief affair and l cried after making love, as l didn’t realise love making or sex or whatever you want to call it, could be so amazing and l could feel so satisfied. I don’t feel one ounce of guilt or remorse. Lord knows l have tried for years to get things functioning properly. But stayed because l was madly in love with my husband and we had kids. Now l love him he is my two amazing kids father, but l am not in love with him, and sometimes l can’t even bear to look at him. I can’t stop crying. I feel so alone and undesirable.
I’m 30 years old I’ve been with my husband who is 37 10 years married nearly 6 and he hasn’t bothered coming near me voluntarily Since we got married on average it’s 1-2 times a year for no longer than 15 mins he says he can’t be bothered and it’s easier for him to just watch porn we don’t have kids that’s something I’ve been denied for years and well you need to be having intercourse for that to happen I very depressed I cry a lot his said many times he will change but never does I’ve considered cheating but feel like that would make me a terrible person
You must leave …. it’s that simple. The hard part is actioning the “leave”
I am 34, been married to my husband for 10 years, we have 2 kids. I am up at 2:30am feeling angry, rejected and hurt.
I’m lucky to get sex once a month but usually it is once every 2-3 months. It’s always me initiating.
Youre probably wondering what I look like. I am overweight not obese. I have gained weight over the last 6 months because I felt horrible whenever another man looked at me. When I wasn’t overweight, my marriage was still sexless.
Gaining weight was psychologically my way of not falling into temptation and my way of avoiding feeling terrible.
I believe the cause of our sexless marriage is PORN. My husband says he doesnt watch it, sometimes he admits he does. His story always changes. I never see him do it, its amazing how he can do this in our home without me finding out.
I have been the breadwinner for the past 4 years, but this issue has been going on much longer.
This is the worst type of marriage to be in. All of our problems stem from lack of sex and intimacy. I get angry constantly because I am so frustrated. I’m only 34!
I’ve suggested an open relationship and he won’t have it. He is selfish. I really don’t want a divorce but he’s leaving me no option. I don’t know what to do!
I’m 29. We have been married for 3 years, together for 6. Within the first few months I became suspicious that he had a “non-healthy” interest in porn. I remember being so torn at the time, but during that first 6 months ago at least we were still having sex a couple times a week. We moved in together after 6 months of dating. Sex became less and less frequent. I loved him, and we had what I thought was a solid relationship.
Even in the beginning he had a difficult time “finishing”. I now realize that he’s so used to the visuals of anew woman every night (through porn) and death-gripping that is why he had a difficult time. I’m pretty and still [mostly] young. I feel so unwanted. His addiction has been going on for so long (basically since his teenage years) that I realized 6 months ago (after crying and bawling and telling him how bad it hurts me that he would rather get his fix through a computer screen than his wife) that it was just who he was and I would have to accept it or move on…I thought I could just accept it….except that I still get attention from males…and I got to know a man I found sexually attractive over the past 6 months….we made out and I forgot what it felt like to feel so wanted. I still do love my husband….but now he knows about my “slip up” and he doesnt understand why It happened. I know I screwed up. But I also dont know if I can live the rest of my life feeling so unwanted when there seems to be so many fish in the sea that would make me feel wanted….I
hi!
married ten years and sex life is dried up. 2 beautiful kids and immense respect and love for my wife – but Im a sexual guy, who often sleeps alone.
A note to all ladies in here – all guys watch porn, a lot of my female friends also watch porn – like all things in life, moderation is key, my wife and I use to watch porn together on occasion.
I do long for intimacy and spontaneity. I always initiate and feel that her involvement is a chore for her, which ruins all romance and makes the event transactional. I don’t think she finds me sexually attractive anymore, I don’t think she enjoys sex at all (intercourse). Im sad, sad because, devoice and separation are not options for me. Mistriss or other forms of relief are my only options, which means I do run the risk of ruining my family – Im a good looking man about to turn 40 years. I know other females find me attractive and would want to be intimate with me – but just not the woman I married and love.
torn…
I have been married for only a year and a half. Im 28 and my husband is 38. The week after we got married sex became only once a week from 3x. I have made him go to the doctor to rule out any medical issues and they came up negitive. We have talked about how important sex is for me but he just says that he loves me and he wil try but i havnt seen any effort on his part. I feel so lonely anymore. I love him very much but I was in an abusive relationship before and I now know I deserve to be happy. Can anyone give me any advice?
How long did you date for before you married?
I have been married for only a year and a half. Im 28 and my husband is 38. The week after we got married sex became only once a week from 3x. Now it is once a month if im lucky. I have made him go to the doctor to rule out any medical issues and they came up negitive. We have talked about how important sex is for me but he just says that he loves me and he wil try but i havnt seen any effort on his part. I feel so lonely anymore. I love him very much but I was in an abusive relationship before and I now know I deserve to be happy. Can anyone give me any advice?
We’ve been together 10 year and the better part of 9 he’s controlled the bedroom.
We have sex about every 5-6 weeks. I am depressed afterwards and can hardly enjoy it because I know once it’s done we are done for a while. At least a month. I want sex daily. Do I suffer?
I personally would not suffer as I can assure you it will only get worse over time.
My own situation is one of being married to a woman obsessed with work. Yes I’m sure she is loyal etc, however, her and the kids tend on the whole to treat me like I do not exist, well at least that is how it feels. I wash, I clean, I clear, I cook, walk to dog, buy the food, repair the house, I am a successful person in my own right (we have no money worries and never will have), I’m faithful, yet life is work or kids school work. There is quite literally nothing left I can do in our house to take the pressure off. I no longer work (my own choice – yes I know I’m lucky) and now find myself pondering what it is all about. What makes me laugh is my wife is still taking contraception, I have explained many times that she doesn’t need to take it. ha ha.
Back to you, I think you should seriously consider your position, or at the very least discuss it with him.
Wow! Someone who has written down exactly how I feel inside! That moment where you have sex proving that your partner has the physical capability. That moment where they get in to it and clearly demonstrate an ability to enjoy sex. That reminder that sex feels really amazing with your partner. That reassurance that she finds you desirable and wants to feel that physical connection. That 60 minute period afterwards of false hope thinking this is going to be the start of the change as she clearly loved that! 24 – 48 hours later that slump in to depression knowing you will now be without for a month or so. Maybe you’ll be lucky and it will be 3 weeks but maybe it will be 7 weeks. Never understanding what the big deal of having sex once a week would be or even once every 10 days for that matter. And then finally that realisation after this pattern continues for years, the realisation that they only have sex with you when they fancy some length. Nothing more to it other than what they wanted however, a continued expectation that you will remain faithful, you will remain happy, continue to buy flowers and loving/romantic gestures that are aimed at making them feel good. But there is no consideration for you feel good or not because they are happy and that’s what matters!
Exactly!
I hear you James.
I want to reply to every single post on this thread. We are all kindred spirits.
I have been with husband for 20 years. He is capable and enjoys sex when we have it. Feels good about himself. – but it’s also like he’s patting his own back – like “there I did it! that should hold her for 2 months!”
Wrong. And so now, I’m finally cheating. I met a lovely man. We have met in a hotel room. It was beautiful. I plan on meeting him again in 2 weeks. It’s all I think about. My husband had 20 years to try at ALL. He couldn’t be bothered. But I still want him as a father, a partner, a husband, a money-maker. I will do all I can to keep my affair private. However, it is the best thing that has happened to me in over 15 years. I never deserved to feel so neglected and rejected by the man who claims to love me madly.
Anyway – I just wanted you to know that we are in the same boat – and I want you to find someone to make you happy. There is nothing wrong with sleeping with someone else if your spouse rejects you.
AB
I hear you Annabelle and I’m glad you are being made happy. It’s not an ideal scenario to have an affair (otherwise everyone on here would have been quick to make that choice) but once enough time has passed and you have suffered enough through being beaten back by the inevitable rejections, enough patience and good will has been completely taken for granted, the time is right to remember that you deserve to be happy too. I simply don’t get it. My pet hate is when someone hides behind their sex drive to do exactly what they want (like my has always done). Issuing I can’t handle more than once a month as I have a low sex drive is surely no different to me saying I can’t handle less then twice a week as it’s what I want. Surely you must see a compromise that keeps you both happy. Well I hope you make for those lost years without getting caught.
James, this is exactly true. They do not see how they empty you inside as the weeks becomes a month or more. I do not have a high sex drive, but I obviously have a higher one than my wife. Everything is on her command, yet I have stopped that. She no longer controls my genital parts. It’s either we do this as a team or I also have a decision in this.
James, I remember being constantly asked by my mother in law if were going to get married, my own mother kept on about kids, I want grand kids, my own wife would say shall we have them now? and while I never caused a fuss we had kids, and indeed both are wanted and loved in every way possible.
However, something now makes me feel that I was really just an excellent child production facility and indeed money making person. I’m a good business person, I get that, I know how to turn 1 $ into 50 $. And indeed I help so many people achieve that as well .. I actually get a buzz from seeing people prosper and be proud that they do.
Yet .. why am I only good for certain things?
I love my wife, I like her wrinkles, imperfections, looks, brain, everything, the whole nine yards. But I want her to let her hair down and live a little, dress up, be spontaneous , just be female .. but no it’s her career now .. and I’m but a bit player in the background. Well that is how I feel.
Is it time to get myself a buddy I wonder .. or just leave and be done and start again, I’m 50!
Well, well, well. Women have made this bed, but now they don’t want to lie in it. All the comments here are dancing around the truth. Everyone knows that women try to manipulate men with sex. Yes, they do. All of them. So the only way a man can combat this is to never initiate. It’s that simple. What we are doing is preventing you from gaining power over us. Can you blame us? The woman always starts this battle, but now the men are finishing it. Too bad ladies. You deserve this.
I’m 30 y/o and married to my husband for 5 years, and we’ve been together about 8 years altogether. We haven’t had sex or any kind of sexual activities for 2 or 3 years. I just can’t remember last time. I love my husband and he’s a good lifelong friend, but I’m not sure how long I should carry this marriage like this. I know he’s stressed out from work etc. after sexless years, I feel I’m not sexually interested in him anymore, and that doesn’t mean that I have no desire. I don’t wanna cheat on him though, and don’t wanna break the vow. I’m sorry to tell this but it’s a bit comforting that I’m not the only one who’s suffering for years. Should I accept the way it is now, and live with him who’s otherwise a good husband?
I’m 30 y/o and married to my husband for 5 years, and we’ve been together about 8 years altogether. We haven’t had sex or any kind of sexual activities for 2 or 3 years. I just can’t remember last time. I love my husband and he’s a good 1 friend, but I’m not sure how long I should carry this marriage like this. I know he’s stressed out from work etc. after sexless years, I feel I’m not sexually interested in him anymore, and that doesn’t mean that I have no desire. I don’t wanna cheat on him though, and don’t wanna break the vow. I’m sorry to tell this but it’s a bit comforting that I’m not the only one who’s suffering for years. Should I accept the way it is now, and live with him who’s otherwise a good husband?
You must leave.
Well you can carry on suffering, leave or cheat. Let me know because I face the same dilemma so we can always swap numbers.
I’ve been married nearly 25 years and been with my husband for 32 years, he was the first guy I slept with a he swept me off my feet, we have 2 children 23 and 19 and for last 1 years we have not slept together, he has gained so much weight from changing his job – (I’m not making that the excuse) but I have just fallen out of love with him, when we do talk we disagree with everything, I feel guilty for feeling like this, but sometimes I just cant be in the same room as him, I see all my friends and family happy and enjoying their time together now their children have left but all i see is a lonely life in my house. We have money issues also due to him changing jobs 9 years ago and taking a lower paid job, so that is always on our minds. We don’t do anything together (not for last 8 years anyway) when we go on holiday with our friends I get frustrated as he cant walk far so feel that I am keeping my friends from enjoying their holiday although they say it doesn’t – but it ruins my holiday – I also feel embarrassed to be with him. My daughter is still at home and the only conversation I get is from her – I walk the dogs so I dont have to be in the same room as him (when hes in). I want to move to a small house as the house we are in needs soooooo much work doing to it but he does NOTHING -even load the dishwasher (little things), I cut the grass, I change the lightbulbs, I move his cup from the table to the dishwasher. What about this – I wash his clothes and my mum does my ironing and when its been ironed I put it on our bed and my daughters bed – she puts hers away 🙂 but he doesn’t, so when I go to bed I put them on his bedside table and that is where they stay – I’m not putting them away – why should I?. His bedside table now has all his clothes he wears on it.
We went on holiday early September and since we have got back he has not showered or bathed, I do say things like ‘you could do with a shower’ but he says ‘I will’ but he doesn’t, for the last 3 weeks we have hardly spoken only to say ‘see you later’ or ‘hello’ when he gets in from work.
I want to leave but I am not leaving my house (no its not a home and its not been one for years).
How do I approach the subject, I’ve told no-one about this, but I want out, I want to live again, I’m 50 next year and as far as I’m concerned I deserve more.
I think you need to tell him. Tell him the truth.
Hello,
My husband and I have been married for 5 years. I am 27 and he 38. Sex has always been an issue in our relationship. Of course before we got married, it was more frequent, but still my drive was much higher. Still, I was crazy about him. Shortly after we got married sex became nearly non-existant. We have fought and fought over it. Most recently, I flat out told him I would not stay in a sexless marriage. It broke my heart to see how deeply my saying that hurt him, but his lack of willingness to share intimacy with me is turning me into someone I cant stand. I am self conscious, I feel unattractive, unwanted, undesired. Constantly asking what is wrong with me, when I never did before. I love him as a person, our relationship outside of sex is great. I know I would miss him dearly if I divorced him, but at the same time… I am 27. My sex drive and curiosity now is higher than it has ever been. I can’t even discuss sex with him or without him shutting down. The only time we have sex is if I instigate it, and at this point, I am tired of basically begging for sex. He told me that sex has never been important to him and it has always affected his past relationships (granted he told me this after 4 years of fighting about sex). I feel cheated and betrayed. I love him and I dont want to hurt him, but this isnt what I signed up for. Its not what I wanted or thought it would be and I am so angry at him all the time that this is what our marriage has become.
I am at a loss. I have no idea what to do. I believe in marriage and my vows but… how can i accept living a sexless life??
Wish I’d found a website like this a few years ago! Can’t believe there are so many people suffering a similar situation.
I’d like to share my story to give hope to all of you facing the dilemma: ‘should I stay or should I go?’
I married the man I loved dearly after meeting at college aged 22. After starting our careers we tied the knot 14 years later. All was good, we were happy and compatible in all ways. Then we got married. Our wedding night was not consummated; I explained this away to myself that he’d consumed X amount of drink. But it was an omen & set the tone for the rest of our marriage. I did fall pregnant within a month of our wedding, which was a real blessing. Then nothing. A complete drought. Fast forward 6 years I can count on the fingers of one hand the amount of times we had sex.
That feeling of rejection was utterly devastating. It cannot be conveyed to anyone that hasn’t been through it. My husband’s avoidance was so extreme he ceased to live with me, without giving me his address. He simply explained that he was sleeping at his friends Dave’s flat. Our ‘relationship’ was a phone relationship. The usual thoughts regarding an affair and whether he might be gay surfaced. I did question it but he denied it. The weird thing is he would come round every second week-end, pick me and our son up and go round to his parents for Sunday lunch. He seemed to have a need for maintaining a happy family image infront of his parents. I was desperate and went along with this in the vain hope that at some point he would simply ‘come round’. He would also text me that he loved me and I foolishly clutched on to those straws for both mine and our son’s sake.
I’ve always worked and managed a good career. It was my salary that paid the mortgage, nursery fees, bills, holidays etc… And yet here I was a professional woman colluding in a fake reality with an inadequate man. Needless to say along with the emotional neglect and pain of rejection, my self esteem was next to zero. I couldn’t ignore the feeling of being trapped any longer. After summoning the last bit of energy I could I left him and filed for divorce. I knew this was the right thing and still I felt guilty for ‘breaking up the family’.
But, I got to thinking that if I was already operating as a single mother, I may as well be a single mother and at least have the prospect of any benefits that might bring. The whole thing was painful and an upheaval from hell.
By the time the divorce came through I was 42 with no self esteem and a shot sense of self worth and craving love & attention. I honestly thought no one would want me. It’s amazing how low the self image can go: I’m slim, weigh 110 lbs, always looked after myself and have been told am very attractive! Anyway, I put myself ‘back on the market’ and 5 weeks later met the most decent, sexy, attentive man. We’ve now been together 2 years and I couldn’t be happier.
My sincere advice to anyone, whatever age you are, whatever ages your children are: do YOURSELF a favour and leave! Diminished finances: leave! Out of shape body and poor self image: leave! Most things are sortable, but you can never get lost time back!
And when you’ve taken that leap – things happen!
Take courage & Good luck to all of you.
Well said. Your message is simple, one life, don’t let it slide past without happiness.
Thank you Mosses,
The internet is a wonderful thing! To be able to connect to those going through the same thing; especially with the issues concerned with a sexless marriage which is behind closed doors. It’s the last thing anyone can actually talk about.
At the end of the day we’re all on a journey. I do believe most people try to do the right thing. The trick in life, I’ve come to realise, is that it mustn’t be to your own detriment. Often life throws up dualities. In the case of a sexless marriage, you’re confronted with staying for the good of the family or your own needs. Selfless versus selfish. In my case, having been brought up with a religious doctrine, ( and I don’t knock it), it’s very difficult to think of yourself and not the higher good of the family unit.
I believe, at the end of the day, that life is about striking a balance; good and bad. But when the ‘bad’ starts to be the dominating aspect it’s then down to you to address it for yourself as an individual and then subsequently for all concerned.
In my case, I made it my mission, post divorce, that my son would never feel uncomfortable being in the same room with me and his father. I’ve never wanted him to have mixed loyalties. In the years to come, eg when he graduates, gets married etc…all those occasions that inevitably will throw up the issue of ‘family’.
You organise and orchestrate the situation that you want for the long term. For me – so many times it’s required my ‘holding my tongue’. But it’s ok; for the greater good of my son and his subsequent relationship with his father and family. In the meantime, I’m cultivating my own life. It hasn’t been easy – but it’s been worth it. That is why I have posted on his forum – to let those that are experiencing this life’s dilemma to hold steadfast to their beliefs and needs. Act accordingly, but the emphasis is on the word ‘act’. And crucially regarding children, your new life does not have to be exclusive to the relationship they have with their ‘other’ biological parent or family.
I n sum, ( and I apologise for my long winded post),
I cut myself off there! Lol’
In sum – it’s ok to have needs, it’s ok to acknowledge them, it’s ok to choose a new path.
Sincere wishes and strength to all.
Br L
I could not agree more.
When you are behind the closed doors of family, success, children growing up, it’s hard to think about leaving, but I am starting to seriously think that for the greater good it’s the best move.
My wife “awakens” every so often, as I’ve said above there is quite literally no stress in her life, other than her blessed career. On the surface of it we have a very successful life. To others they(female friends of my wife) tell me (and my wife) how envious they are of her having somebody like me. Nice house where I fix, wash, cook, etc .. I run my three businesses as a semi-retired young(ish) person. I even manage to remedy most issues for my wife’s friend, if in doubt call X (me), “he’ll know what to do”. Everything is as easy as it can get, yet, my wife will still only have sex monthly at best, maybe every other month. We go away on holiday five or six times a year and maybe she will burst into life for a few days, then back to the drought. For bed I sleep naked, always have done, she seems to put more clothes on the older we get. She is 46.
The hard part for me, (and I’m actually fairly calm about the lack of sex), is that my girlfriend before my wife (yes some 22 years ago) was an absolute sex pest .. 8 or 9 times a week, was up for anything and everything. Yes we were young, but I ended it for many reasons. Then quickly met my wife to be.
She only had three boyfriends (sexual) and I married her. I do love my wife dearly but am starting to think that unless things change we are destined for a life apart. I think this would devistate her if she knew I was thinking this way, however, I’m not prepared to have sex only on her “allowance”. That’s surely is not “marriage”?
Trust me when I say I’m not pushy or a guy that hassles her about sex, maybe I should? Maybe that’s where I have gone wrong.
Over the years I’ve been offered countless opportunities to have sex while married, with other women, and always turned it down. I’m proud of that, thinking I’m married to a lovely woman, however, as you get older you start to wonder if you’ll regret those decisions. I’ve a friend Paul who never turns an opportunity down, and thinks I’m a fool because I do.
Sorry for my musing. My situation is not straight forward and as they say there are three sides to every story, yours theirs and the truth!
Yet again I sit here in bed next to my wife done up like an Eskimo! And you guessed it, we are away on holiday in a hot country!
Hi Mosses,
I feel your pain. Yes, it is hard to think about leaving a marriage and life that you’ve spent a lifetime building together. The successes are all there apart from that one thing. It’s also difficult when you’re in a community with longstanding mutual friends. A break up sends rippling effect through the fabric of your whole life. That’s what is at stake.
The fact is that a couple is also married to each other’s finances. This is the killer – because most people can’t afford to break up. In your case it sounds like finances are not a limiting issue for you. I was also fortunate in this respect, I’m not wealthy but I had enough financial independence to exercise that choice when I finally came to it. My view regarding money and the purpose of it is the luxury of freedoms and choices that it provides. You have the gift of that advantage and it’s one which quite clearly you have worked hard for.
One thing I wanted to ask you, have you proposed some sort of marriage counselling with your wife? Does she have awareness of how deeply this is affecting you? I don’t want to bang on about my situation, but I knew I had to leave when my ex point blank refused to do any counselling whatsoever. I felt there were no other tools or strategies left at my disposal to help our marriage.
You sound like a really decent guy. I think it’s commendable that you didn’t have affairs because you felt they weren’t right for you.
Lastly – you made me laugh with the ‘eskimo’ line!
Br L
So our finances have been mostly my doing. I’ve been “at it” since I left school, and was a made man pretty much by the time we met. This has allowed my wife to have a house keeper, a 10,000 sq ft house etc etc. It’s not about materialist things but more to say there really is nothing to worry about. We have lovely children and I think we are a very charitable family, both financially as well as in humanity. If we can help we will. After all you only borrow all that you have. It’s actually a shame not more wealthy people think this way.
Down the years I’ve known some ladies have been attracted to my money, they’ve actually admitted it. One lady, married, suggested that she would happily have sex with me forever if we hooked up and i treated her to the things her husband didn’t. I metaphorically ran a mile.
I’m wondering if I should suggest that she dresses up or we make things interesting. She’s not like that but maybe she would be. As you can tell communication in that dept is not great. Having been with previous girlfriends who would make it very clear what they wanted, when and HOW, it’s not something my wife would ever discuss, she is ever so prim! I once suggested a toy, she was horrified …
Ho hum.
Mosses, I think it’s worth trying everything you can. I would definitely ask her if she would dress up, that it would make you really happy and that she can have fun too. But it’s more than just fun, it’s about connecting. If she is shy about dressing up you could ask her what she’d be comfortable with so that you’re both more connected.
I’m guilty too – I struggled with communication with my ex. On hindsight I know that was a big mistake.
I’ve pondered about what goes through the mind of the person that withholds. If they’re not doing it on purpose it must be a lack of awareness on their part as to how much it’s hurting the other person. In which case they need to be told – not in a accusatory or nasty way but to arrive at an understanding. If you’re able to open up the lines of communication – give it the best shot you can especially if there is still love and respect between you.
It sounds like you have lovely kids and a great family life and quite rightly not to be given up on lightly. I felt I had that to a lesser extent and I really didn’t understand why my ex couldn’t enjoy what we had – and get with the programme!
Good luck Mosses.
Thank you for your kind words Lucy,
I think I will approach the subject And see where it takes me.
You never know, don’t ask, don’t get.
Your own situation is very much under control by the sounds of it. What drew you to this article? I’m so pleased you found your way here.
Thank you x
My wife and I met 10 years ago. We hit it off, and all was good accept the sex lacked and was not good, no passion, and no oral either way. She said she just had to get used to it….she wasn’t a virgin though. We have no kids and at this point I dont want any I want to be sexually happy at least a little.
10 years later, i’m a stressed mess. My wife doesn’t know how to get me off, is not passionate in bed, nor any surprises are anything special. I have asked for a blow job for my birthday several times to get it something that isnt a blowjob but halfway a dry hand job which usually hurts and ends up in a half limpness and a loss of sex drive after an extended period of time which I may nod out then sex. This has been the same for my whole relationship but the oral never happens.
My wife spent most of our relationship from day 1 telling me not to go down on her. At this point I do not know how to get her off because she wont let me learn the same way she doesnt care for my needs. After all this time Im starting to think eating pussy is gross, and want to go lick some stray puss so I dont turn more bitter.
She tells me when I am sexually frustrated to go get a massage, chiropractor, etc. My dick also gets fibroid on my junk from the relatively dry sex and the fact I have to masturbate often. This isnt right.
About me, physically I’m a sexy guy, MMA and gym background with no ego…but pure man. I have a high sex drive that isnt met a little. I had been know as a great lover with girls always coming back for more. I constantly turn down girls 15 years younger than me, who would love to suck me off just to make me happy or have exciting sex with….
Now in these 10 years, ive been in an accident a few years ago….all good financially and wife has been very good at supporting financially – the best. She’s great in almost every way just has no sex drive, has no interest…I dunno if I can even fix it. I want to be with her but feel like I would need to hook up for some safe sex with a couple girlfriends on occasion. I never wanted to cheat and don’t want to…but I love my wife and tried to communicate. I want to be with her but I know its too late for us sexually. She killed me for her, and I thought she was so sexy and would have made love to her every day and satisfied her however she please had she not make years of excuses.
What do I do?
Leave
It’s interesting, I’m finding the by talking about things I’m actually getting quite “mentally” angry about it now.
Tonight I’m offered a cuddle only. “Cuddle me as we go to sleep”. My wife is surprised when I say “this cannot go on”. Thirty seconds later Eskimo Betty is fast asleep.
Now this may sound poor on my part, however, this goes on for months and I think it is unfair on my physical needs. I’m a good and decent husband and I’m really thinking that my wife needs to think about my needs as much as I do about hers. I spend and all year making sure she has no pressure and I honestly don’t think I can take whatever years I have left being so frustrated. I never signed up for this, I signed up to be a good husband, dad, etc … not to be deprived month in month out.
Not when I could offer so many ladies a truly lovely life full of enjoyment, stability and happiness.
My question is why do women take their chosen man on a path to get children and a secure happy family then deprive them of sex? It’s just not fair!
While holiday is not the place to tell her, I think that I need to have a full and Frank discussion once back home.
Been married 7 years, together 9. 2 amazing kids together. Sex dried up to once a month shortly after we got engaged. Went from 3-4 times a month to once and sometimes (rarely) 0 times in a month. It was like she decided in her mind, I’ve got him now, he’s committed. I always thought at first it was phase and we would come out of it. We didn’t. She claims she has low sex drive, also claims we are normal. The 2 together are Total opposites. Low sex drive is clearly lower than normal right? She masterbates 2-4 times a month. She claims this is not sexual! Watches porn maybe once a month whilst masterbating, claims it is not sexual. I have tried to speak calmly with her about it, she avoids the conversation, gets defensive, tells me I’m after one thing (sex) all the time. Things have slightly improved this year (slightly). I see some improvement but it’s minimal. Of course the day I agreed to have a child and this is true on both occasions, she went from a woman incapable of having sex twice a month to a woman who didn’t have sex less than twice a week. Like there was some sort of magic potion involved.
My conclusion:
1) Masterbating to porn IS sexual. You should pick sex with your partner before you pick sex with yourself. I will concede that woman unlike men do masterbate as a stress relief on other occasions.
2) low sex drive is not an reason to have little to no sex. It’s a reason to try harder. Sex drive is both natural but also like fitness, something you can improve. Sometimes to improve you have to work out even though you were totally in the mood.
3) Telling your partner they are just after sex when they try and talk to you (like they are just after a shag) is insanely selfish. Emotional blackmail that tries to get them to immediately back down.
4) having sex as much or as little as what pleases yourself is selfish. I feel like her attitude is ‘I’m happy so we are happy’. A compromise you both agree on must be found
5) If you don’t particularly feel ‘in the mood’ it does NOT mean you can’t and you would be incapable of really enjoying sex. Sometimes the hardest thing a runner will do is get his/her kit on and step out the door because they don’t particularly feel like it. Doesn’t mean they don’t have a good, enjoyable, healthy run!
I honestly can’t believe that so many people suffer with this same issue as me. I’m not sex obsessed. I would be over the moon with 3-4 times a month with the occasional dryer spell. I know if there was something I could do for my wife that was free, healthy, happened at home, I visibly enjoyed and took 15 minutes of my time, it would never be in doubt.
Well, I guess I am not the only one with the issue. Me and my wife been married for 15 years. The beginning we couldn’t keep hands off of each other. But after birth of our child in 2002, sex went down. 9 times a year then 6, 5, 4, a couple of 3 times a year. But now over the past 5 years probably would be 4 times total maybe. Not too long ago was on a 19 month spell until valentine day this year. Now here it is November and well….9 months gone by and she in bed and I am typing with everyone about the common issue. We are a religious family and I do believe if wasn’t in church I would be gone. With her, I have heard everything from hormones to hard to be in mood when the house is a mess. She has cheated once and that was 10 years ago. I forgave her cause at the time kids was too young to go through divided family. There is times I have zero clue what to do now cause it gets depressing to know there is no chance every night. I write her letters expressing my concerns cause don’t want to get in a shouting match with her. The painful part is she reads them but never responds so I don’t know if she cares or just reads them and not really reads them so to speak. I just know at age 40 this is unfair and if things don’t change I really am debating moving on cause I want a wife not a roommate and I want a lover, not a spouse.
I’m putting this one out there for anyone to answer whether you’re male, female, in the same boat as me or maybe you are the person who turns your partner away for the most part and is sick of them imitating. I am trying to understand so that I can make sense of this. Is it reasonable to expect someone who isn’t particularly “in the mood” for sex to make an effort to be in the mood more often? I know that if I were only to buy my wife flowers when I’m “in the mood” or go to the gym only when I’m “in the mood” it would be hardly ever if at all.
And this one is for woman only. Do woman ever masterbate purely for a stress release or is it sexual desire/fantasy that is driving them? I’d love to know.
Hi
Me again.
Women masturbate for release sometimes.
Also – you are right – even if I don’t ‘feel’ like sex I will do it to please my husband. Seriously. Once you are touched sensually you can get into it if you want. If you don’t want to then something else is going on.
I always ask myself – would I want one of my kids to be in this position? To feel so rejected? No!! Would I even want my husband to feel this pain of insult and rejection? No! And so I no longer want it for myself.
I’ve been married for 20 years – it DOESN’T get better.
And honestly – finally – my husband is trying. Good luck. He can keep trying. And I will enjoy it – but at the same time – Life has presented me with the gift of a giving, sexy man who wants to please me. I will not be turning that down in the name of “LOYALTY” to a man who fucked me 5 times a year.
Good luck James!
Reply to me if you want!
A
Hi Annabelle, thanks for the reply. I could never get my head round the masturbation thing until I read that woman use it as a type of stress release. I used to think my wife was just happy to have sex without me which for around a year or so I literally tore myself up inside over. I still believe she must fuck herself at least once a month though and I feel that she should be saving every piece of energy for me given that she is always saying no. I truly want to stay loyal (I have never cheated) but this will only remain so with continued improvement and effort with sex/intimacy. I simply can’t get my head around how selfish it is to have an attitude of ‘I’ve had sex enough to be satisfied so we’ve had sex enough’. Surely relationships are at their best when you consider your partners needs and preferences as well as your own and at their worst when you don’t care how your partner is feeling. I really don’t even expect my wife to have sex as much as I want but the dizzy heights of 3 times a month would be a genuine life changier. Not only would that physical frustration disappear but I would feel reassured that she still desires me. If we go back to the dark old days of once a month with the odd month where we don’t bother, who knows. I can’t imagine accepting that anymore. I would never have done this to my wife! Never in a million years would I reject her so many times for so long without expecting the marriage to be destroyed eventually.
If my wife did all or most of the household chores and I was therefore left with more time to relax. If she bought me gifts and made regular loving gestures. If she was a good hard working and caring wife and all I tended to do was turn down her sexual advances until the day she was horny. If that pattern continued over a period of years until she had become too scared of rejection to initiate anymore, I would expect 1 of 3 things.
1) She would leave
2) She would cheat
3) I would have to drastically pick up my game and improve.
If she cheated or left under the conditions above I’m not gonna say I would be happy but I would look at it and think…what the hell did you think was gonna happen?
The title of this article should not be what it is. It should be Cheat, divorce or demand a change. Nobody deserves to suffer.
Agreed. My wife tells me she is very happy. I would be too if my spouse did all the chores and then I got to have sex with them whenever I fancied. Truth be told I would be riddled with guilt in that position because marriage is about being truly interested in what your partner wants as well as what you want. A harmonious balance which sometimes requires compromise.
Ok, it’s time to even the score a little. This is a request to anyone in a relationship who is the one to regularly turn sexual advances away from their partner or whom is happy without sex in general whilst married. Please give us some insight in to how that feels as most people if not all on this blog are singing from the same hymn sheet. What does it feel like to be the one who has to say no, has to think of excuses all the time. Do you ever feel guilty, ashamed or worried your partner may leave or cheat? Do you think it’s your right just have sex whenever you want? Do you ever turn your partner down yet you jerk off when he or she is out? Give us some balance on this thread by all means. We’d all benefit from hearing the other side to this as little to none of our partners are will to discuss it.
I raised my wife’s kids and they are grown now and we have 2 young children together. Since those children were born, sex has gone downhill until we just don’t have it anymore. 2 decades together, and her behavior for at least a decade seems to mirror what she told me about with her first husband. He eventually cheated and she divorced him and got the kids and I raised them. She’s not particularly bright, is extremely irresponsible, and when given the opportunity to make the right decision, she will choose the wrong one every time. I’m generally the one left to deal with these poor decisions. I love my kids and don’t want to divorce their mother. Now that sex is completely gone, there’s nothing here for me but the kids. I’m pretty sure I’d get the kids in a divorce, because the evidence of her irresponsible behavior is well-documented. I also don’t want to leave her because I don’t think there’s another man on the face of the earth who will take care of her. I’m pretty much stuck. I could hold on, if I had someone on the side I could secretly have a sexual relationship with, but if she ever found out, I’m pretty confident she’d divorce me in a heartbeat and clean my clock in the process. If I’m going to do anything, I only have a couple years window…then the children will be able to choose with whom to live…and I’m afraid that will be the one least likely to give them structure and hold them accountable and not place a great deal of value in their educations. It’s a pretty fucking shitty situation, for sure. I’m honest in analyzing things, but I’m a bit stumped here. I can’t decide if I’m weak or strong for staying and putting up with a loveless marriage. I still have time to salvage something that could resemble a happy life, but I can’t seem to make this particular decision. This sucks major ass.
Have you sat and discussed it with her? The lack of sex
I also feel relieved to know I’m not alone but also was hoping to find at least one person who was able to turn this horrible situation around… I’ve been with my husband for almost six years and the first two we couldn’t keep our hands off each other… we would have all kinds of sex everywhere even in public places… as soon as I moved in with him he lost all desire to be with me sexually…. I’ve literally tried everything to fix this situation because I love him so much… I cried… I begged… we fought constantly.. I left him a bunch of times even going so far as to jump on a plane to another country… if I wore lingerie he would shut down because of the expectation… we fought and broke up a bunch of times and he begged for me back every time and swore he would fix it.. at least he was willing to try .. first I sent him to the doctor to run tests… all normal… then I sent him to a hypnotherapist…we had ok sex maybe twice after… then we went to see a sexual psychotherapist for months and I felt some improvement… he wasn’t even able to stay hard enough to penetrate me before we started seeing her.. she told me to stop asking and take care of myself… meanwhile he was improving… we were having sex and he was able to reach orgasm finally… I cried I was so happy.. he improved enough so we went ahead and got married.. this man does love me and would do anything for me but he’s just not attracted to any woman once the novelty has worn off… it wasn’t just me it seems he had this problem before and it explained why he never had a relationship for longer than 2 months before me.. anyways the therapy helped enough that we were at least able to have sex now and he was initiating… little by little he stopped going to therapy since we were having just enough sex for me to get by I didn’t press the issue… we were still only having sex maybe 1-2 times a month if I was lucky and it was never fully satisfying for me but I loved him and he was trying so I stayed… now we’re going 3 months at a time without sex and I’m so frustrated I’m angry all the time… he’s back to saying it’s mental and he’s just not attracted to me and can’t get hard… ouch a million times… I’m sure I seem like the abusive crazy wife to everyone else because I’m so mad at him for doing this to me but I’m too ashamed to tell anyone what’s going on.. I’m also financially dependent on him not because of my own choice I always worked and had my own money since I was 18… so there’s that… he told me he only gets aroused by someone new and that he was no longer attracted to me… I’m 34 but look way younger and eat right n work out so it’s not me… hes gained weight if anything and when I bring anything up he says he’s not happy either… he says it’s boring and not exciting… I don’t want to leave him as we have a great life together otherwise but I’m slowly dying on the inside and I guess I’ve been avoiding the inevitable… I don’t want an open marriage as I don’t think he deserves to have sex with other women when I’m more than willing and he’s the only man I even want… I’m thinking of having an affair and the thought of it is so against everything I believe in… I hate cheaters… I’m not sure I could even go thru with it… he’s sleeping next to me right now while I cry quietly and write this… I left a man I loved before who was emotionally abusive to me and it was the hardest thing ive ever done… I’m not sure I could make it thru another break up especially since I love him so much and know that I would miss him terribly and regret it immediately… the thought of him with another woman kills me… I’m miserable I can’t stop crying I want sex so much every day and it keeps getting worse.. it’s like a fire I can’t get rid of… masturbating makes me so angry because why the hell do I have to please myself when he’s right there??? I even got him cialis from the doctor and we tried twice and he said it didn’t work… the next morning I walked in on him on the shower with a giant erection… I was so mad i just walked out and cried… this is hell… pure hell…I’ve had my share of great sexual partners and so I know what I’m missing… I even contemplate suicide it’s so painful… i just don’t know where to go from here… I thought I could live like this but I can’t… other couples we are friends with have sex multiple times a day and I’m so jealous.. even my abusive ex and I used to have sex at least once a day if not more granted we were much younger then… i guess I’m so sad because I’m realizing that even tho I would love nothing more than to stay with him forever it’s just impossible.. I’m totally heartbroken and mad that he’s pushing to do the last thing on earth I want to do… today we were betting about something and i said if I won I wanted sex everyday and he said that was impossible so I said once a week… he turned away… we were in public and I just couldn’t stop the tears from rolling down my face…
Laila, has your husband asked you for an open relationship?
No he has never asked for an open relationship…. I think he knows I’d kill him for even having the thought… he has told me he’s perfectly happy having the little to no sex we have… and I’m certain he has never strayed although I’m sure he has thought about it…
It sounds to me that you have tried just about everything that is available to you.
If I’m honest if my wife told me she was not attracted to me I think I would have to seriously consider my position in the marriage. You are young, you have time and you do indeed deserve to be loved properly during that time.
I’m sorry but I think you are at that point where I think you either stick with what you have or you go .. as bad as it may seem there will be happiness out there for you, you just have to get over the wilderness between where you are now and arriving at happiness.
You sound a very bubbly person. I think you will be ok.
Thanks for your kind words it means a lot
In 1985 I made a decision that over the next thirty one years went from anger and resentment over how he was treated to something that has morphed into him willing to kill if he is interfered with in any way. It started out as a way to let the dust settle from his return from 3 and a half years of under water duty in the US navy. It all started out as a need to keep him from using his accumulated seniority on his big three UAW job he was returning to with 60 percent more seniority than his 7500 person plant, It was just to let everything stabilize and let him and 153 others like him returning get acclimated to civilian ways. Two years latter it turned into keeping them in a place that society wanted them. My husband proved to hard for society to get put in the place they wanted.
In 2001 after a brain surgery it became impossible to get his cooperation in any thing. Even after getting on my knees one afternoon and offering a way to stop being pushed around , I offered the sex life he had been after the last sixteen years, another thing he had been after was holidays and vacation times he wanted without people yelling at him he had to take something else! And the opportunity to have days off that he wanted without any one saying any thing, all he had to do was get his three ex military and himself from using their seniority for a job bid wanted by four other men with better social and political connection’s.
He called me a whore and wished me, his father, and my circle a death by stepping in front of a semi. He defied everything we wanted that day then triedc to kill the four that wanted the bid the next morning on our front porch , he goaded them into attacking him so he could use his third Dan black belt and military combat arts training to leave all four badly hurt, actually dying after he finished with them.
His father and his friends could not think of a way to secure his cooperation the next 8 years except armed intimidation, that even failed badly when he started ambushing them even in front of third family’s and turning them into bleeding broken people. The final straw with him about me in 2009 when I helped his father cancel his orient express trip and vacation and steal his passport to let the son of another friend go on his honey moon.
I ended up flying across a TSA office with a dislocated shoulder begging him to just wait seven more months and he would get the vacation he wanted since 1985. Hev did not have to be angry about not getting one then, we had evrerything planed and set up for the first vacation since 1976 then. He would get his passport back a half hour after we were in the air. He had to be separated from his father who he was strangling to death over his dam passport. It was just seven more months after fourty years for crying out loud. When we came back two weeks latter he was petty enough to have me and his father arrested for the theft of his vacation. The young man that went instead of him was fired with a child coming and he just would not find any joy in work and became depressed to the point his immune system was compromised.
By October he was in isolation after losing the feeling in his legs due to a MRSA abscess in his spine three yearsclater he came home resentful not willing to just keepnthings the way they had always been before he became I’ll, and he was not going to ask for any thing to be allowed him, he was taking it weather or not any one agreed, in fact two weekscafter he walked in the door he made the pronouncement he was the only judge and arbitor of what he was allowed and he was not letting any one decide his life and as the main thief that stole 31 years of his life hevwasvstarting with me to take some of it back and he raped me as I begged that I was going to a dinner vevent and we would all meet any where he wanted in four hours to try and think of solutions to what he was angry about.
He has been taking his anger out on everyone since, landing in the middle of holiday and vacation traditions and kicking everyone in the teeth if we try and think of a different way. Even arrangements to a private service at his mothers funeral in June ended with a man having his arm shattered after trying to tell him to come back in an hour for his own service he walked into the whole family and funds group and announced the next attempt to stop him from his rights her funeral would not be the last that day.
I no longer can keep any control he might kill me if I even make the appearance of telling him no. I stay scared out of my wit’s. I never thought hat sex denial, vacation and time off denial could get this horrible reaction from any one, you have to be someplace why not doing what others needed.
I just don’t know how we ended up with this angry , resentful man will to hurt bad those that get in his way, that’s all we did was prevent time off and sex, so why is he trying to kill us for this.
I’m afraid you may have summed up the problem right here: “In 2001 after a brain surgery it became impossible to get his cooperation in anything.” It’s entirely possible that he is, in reality, not the same person any more. It is our brain more than anything that makes us what and who we are, and it sounds like his (and therefore he himself) has been long ago turned into something else entirely. You need to consider the possibility that there is no he any more, but someone else wearing his body. If that’s truly the case, then all promises made to him are null and void. Only you can decide, but whatever you do, make sure you are safe.
I just want to know… has anyone been able to turn their sexless marriage around? Anyone? If so, how?
Seriously considering leaving my husband now… even tho I love him more than anything.
I just can’t live without sex and an open marriage is out of the question.
Clinging on to hope… desperately trying to stay together.
At the risk of sounding negative Laila, no one seems to have experienced any change and that’s because our partners are all having sex as often as they damn well please. All of us on here are desperately hoping a change will happen one day but in truth we are just left picking at the scraps left on the table by our partners. Of course all of them expect us to remain loyal, make an effort to please them in ways that they wish to be pleased but when it comes to intimacy we get what we are given whilst they literally hide behind the “I’ve got a low/lower sex drive than you” excuse. And in times of desperate need they will label us as ‘the problem’ because we all want more intimacy, even going as far as to try and make us feel guilty about wanting to more regular sex with them. They will even try to imply that we are selfish people who are simply after a shag knowing that this is the best way to get someone to back down immediately as no one wants to be a pest. I’ve probably read all of the posts on here, they range from people who have quietly suffered for 3 years all the way to 33 years. There is no one with any positive story! there is even an invitation on here from someone who has asked for the equivalent of our partners to give their side of the situation. No responses to that of course and why? Because they are in a world of their own and not concerned with any lack of sex/intimacy. Hoping they would read this is a bit like asking someone who knows they haven’t got a ticket to check the lottery results, pointless! My wife is convinced they it is simply my dick doing the talking when I have asked for more. She doesn’t get the fact that the physical urge to have sex is one small part of it. The pain of being rejected over and over for weeks on end is far greater than the physical effect but combine them both and you have a wild animal who comes on sites like this and talks about fucking other people. I used to despise a cheat but now, before I make any judgement, I have to know their story because if it’s like mine, I don’t fucking blame them!
Correctly put James.
I’ve tried countless times with my wife, I’ve asked her to dress up. I’ve asked her to show me more attention. I’ve asked her to consider me just a little more. Nothing. Well hardly anything. I couldn’t tell you the last time she approached me. I’ve approached her many times, I get a little fumble for a few seconds and that’s it.
I’m metaphorically quietly pulling the car into the next stop. The question is do I get out and walk away. Only I can decide that. I’m fed up being the slave and feel my wealth, my love, my domestic abilities need to be considered by somebody prepared to give back.
It’s so hard to just walk away from someone u love… let alone the fact that we have built a life together… I’m not sure I’m capable of “getting out of the car” as u put it… and I haven’t seen anyone worth getting out of the car for… considering starting therapy again. I’m stuck here for now.
Unfortunately this is the dilemma we face laila. I am in the exact same boat as you. I love my wife, I don’t want to leave, I can’t imagine being without her but…. I can’t imagine my loyalty will last forever. One day another woman will show interest at a time when I’m vulnerable and I’m convinced that it’s a strong possibility that I won’t turn down someone who desires me, who wants to touch me, who wants me to touch her!
Hi there,
I have replied to James earlier.
Laila – I feel your pain. Without bragging I can tell you that I am a beautiful and desirable woman. My husband is very proud of the fact that at 40 I still have a fantastic body and his friends all desire me. (I’m just painting the picture – I feel weird saying it – just explaining that it’s not about that). I’ve been with husband 20 years. I sexless person doesn’t change. When he decides to have sex with me – he enjoys it – but it is quick and on his terms. Always has been. There have been dry spells of 1.5 years (granted – kids were involved – but still 1.5 years).
The thing that a therapist said to me – which holds VERY TRUE:
If your FEELINGS don’t matter, then YOU don’t matter.
I believe that to be true.
At this point I have 3 kids. My husband and I DO love each other. We have a lot of money now, and I have sacrificed my career to support him and bring up our kids.
BUT – he still claims he loves me ‘madly’ and we occasionally still have sex.
BUT – one day I’m going to die, and I’m not going to dry an angry, dried up, resentful prune. So, I’m having the hottest most beautiful affair. I love every second of it and will keep it going as long as I can.
I feel fine about this. Because I’ve spoken to my Husband 1000 times. Withholding sex is EQUAL in my mind to cheating.
However – you are younger. Make a decision. In many ways I wish I’d gotten out when I was young. But. I’m glad for how things are now. My husband had 10,000 opportunities to be sexually kind to me. He wasn’t interested.
I only have this one body. This one life to live.
I’m not going to let him rob me of my sexuality.
Please please feel free to email me
I honestly loved my husband with Romeo and Juliet love for 20 years. It was painful to be so rejected. I am happy now. He is still happy and yet, now I am not consumed with the feeling of rejection.
Take care
Ana
Hi Ana,
I admire that u had the guts to find someone else and although I seriously consider it all the time… I’m not sure I could do it just because in my experience the truth always comes out and when taking risks I always consider the worst case scenario and whether I could deal with it… . I get the feeling u would be ok if the truth came out and maybe part of u wants it to? Maybe ur husband evem senses it but would rather turn a blind eye than face reality. I’d love to email u since I can’t talk to anyone at all about this… and u seem to know exactly where I stand…
Laila1111111 @ outlook
(7 ones)
Thanks for sharing
Laila
I feel the same as you laila. I’ve considered cheating too but I worry the truth would surface one day. It’s almost as though you would need to find someone who is in exactly the same position as you find yourself in and would be happy to make an arrangement that centred around sex alone with an agreement to take no risks. This is hard to find without taking risks in the first place. I don’t believe that affairs are truly the right answer but still, they are an answer and just like Ana and probably yourself, I have asked for improvement a million times over and I am met with hostility and accusations that imply or directly state that I’m being selfish. I wish I could flip this on it’s head and take on the low sex drive status and my wife take on the higher for 6 months just to show her how it makes you feel. Totally shit, a reject, undesirable, stressed, angry, frustrated, heartbroken to name a few.
Ana,
Can I ask you, do you still love your husband, the father of your children, as much as you did before you started your affair? Or does that love dwindle a little bit more each time you have sex with your lover?
Mosses
Ana, I don’t get why partners do this! They are proud to be with you but not to fuck you! I get exactly the same! Lack of intercourse is probably one of the most common factors behind why people end up cheating and our partners just take a risk on the idea that it won’t happen! It’s almost arrogant that they assume that no one else will fancy their partner or make a move on them and if they do that loyalty will always win the day. It’s arrogant to think that they alone with making any effort to please you will be enough to keep the wolves from the door forever.
P.s I hope things are well with your mystery man and he is taking good care of exploring every inch of you! I’m kind of jealous that you have had the courage to do it.
I met my wife in DBT therapy. She is a rape survivor and also has Borderline Personality Disorder. As the story goes, we started off crazy freaky awesome frequent sex for 18 months, to having sex 10 times a year in a good year after only 4 years married. I admit that ive watched so much porn that ive had sex and masturbation ass backward and was probably mostly selfish and demanding. I feel guilty for that but also i believe legitimately that it is understandable and natural that i miss the closeness and passion that our sex delivered. her medicine for her condition has caused her to gain weight and have no sex drive to speak of. I think the only reason she has sex with me is out of a sense of duty or from guilt. I will Not cheat on her even though i fantasize about it from time to time. If you have read this far then i will tell you the absolute truth… Cheating Is not Fucking Worth It. It would kill something innocent and beautiful and vulnerable about our relationship that will never truly truly heal. But fuck, i still get horny sometimes and, mind the pun, but its Hard to cope. Her side of the issue is understandable and My side of the issue is understandable but it leaves a rift in our relationship that cant be filled by money or drugs, ive tried… im still trying. Is there any way i can bridge the gulf? We arent shitting out enough money to see any professional facilitator so im stuck for solutions. Ive talked about it frankly with her but i cant see a resolution in sight. I know, boo hoo. Im a feminist too and i really respect my wife and recognize that her issue is genuine and not from some hidden disgust or deepdown man-hatred. She Vehemently Claims that she finds me plenty attractive and desirable but alas…no nookie.
Les, I’m gonna be really honest. Cheating is never the answer, it is never a good idea and won’t ever solve the true issue. There is a but though! Being loyal to your partner isn’t just NOT sleeping with other people. Being loyal is ALSO making yourself available to your spouse and no I don’t mean once a month when they finally fancy a shag. Ask yourself how did it ever go from amazing to nothing like yours did, like mine did and everyone else on here. Laziness and selfishness is your answer. We are all on this site because none of us really want to cheat or leave but our partners need to do more, a lot more to recognise that a relationship is only ever good when you are both happy. If you can’t agree on something then a compromise is the only way forward. I would bet my mortgage that your wife (as would mine) would be intimate tonight if she were offered £250 to do so (this is hypothetical example and obviously remove the issues of morality with this example). £250 for 15 minutes they would think hmm, NO PROBLEM! The following week if offered another £250 your luck would be in again. The week after that, same again and so on and so on. It’s ok when there is a motivation that suits their agenda. My wife’s agenda changed when we started trying for children. After years of sex once per month we started 2-3 times a week. Sometimes 4 times in a week and even twice in a day! She started initiating more then me and I was the one trying to keep up! This happened both times we tried for our children but following the successful pregnancy we revert back to I can’t be bothered, I have a headache, I have this that or another reason. So, this is where the true hurt lies. If it suits them they will do it and my wife has even acknowledged she enjoys it when it happens. The problem is she is simply and I quote “happy without it”. Therefore WE have to be happy without it because putting 15 minutes aside to maintain a physical relationship is much lower down the list then flicking through the phone, laptop or whatever before you sleep. I don’t believe anyone should have sex when they really don’t want to, nor should they feel obligated to do it when they really don’t want to but there is a humongous difference between “I really do not want to have sex tonight” and “I’m perfectly happy without sex tonight”. To dismiss your partner over and over again based on “I am perfectly happy without sex tonight” is lazy, inconsiderate, hurtful and soul destroying for the rejected person and is worse then cheating as it is a drawn out process that continues for years. You mentioned that cheating “kills something innocent and beautiful and vulnerable” in a relationship but so does removing sex does. What is a relationship without sex? It’s a friendship at best, a business agreement at worst as you share the bills. So, your morals are spot on but one day another woman will attract your eye and you will attract hers. Then you will have a dilemma! And finally, why on earth do feel guilty about watching porn or masturbating? What else are you supposed to do? This may or may not come as a surprise to you but even though she hardly ever fucks you, I guarantee that she masturbated most if not every week.
Wow, lots of frustrated people here! I admit, I am/was one of those “refusers.” I can’t speak for other women who don’t give their spouses sex, but I can share my own story.
I was sexually molested as a child and grew up in a home that didn’t discuss sex except to warn us that it was wrong to have sex outside of marriage. In my teen years I never really had an sexual attractions to anyone, but I certainly had romantic and emotional attractions to boys. My first boyfriend pressured me repeatedly to have sex with him and I finally consented after a year. I felt guilt (and the sex was horrible). I married him because I thought I had to at age 18. He ended up being abusive and using drugs. About five years later I found out that he was also a pedophile, so of course I divorced him. I was single for a year, and looking back on that time, I didn’t even really think about sex at all during that time. I met my current husband and got married in 2005. On our wedding day, I was thinking thoughts of commitment, romance, a life-long friend and partner and of having children with him. Having sex several times a week for the rest of our married lives never really entered my mind. I was never really sexually attracted to him, although I enjoyed the romance. I was shocked when I realized he had expectations of constant sex on our honeymoon- wasn’t once a day enough? I had other plans of touring! I couldn’t understand his irritation with me. Obviously we failed to communicate our expectations before we got married. Our first 10 years of marriage were really hard. We had 6 children in eight years. He was working crazy long hours. None of our needs were being met. He was tempted to cheat and use porn. I was lonely. I couldn’t understand why he wanted sex so much. Let me give you some more background. I have endometriosis which makes sex very painful for me (ovulation is the worst and conceiving our children left me in agony). I had postpartum depression. Antidepressants further lowered my sex drive. I was having flashbacks from my childhood. My husband insisted on having sex every other night. I felt that as a good Christian wife I had to obey the Bible which tells us not to deprive one another of sex in marriage. But I was like a dead fish. I developed a sexual aversion.
Fast forward to 2015. I had my sixth child and we were done having children. I started thinking about having sex every other day for the rest of my life. That was really depressing. It’s not that I never get aroused; I do around ovulation (but sex hurts too much then). I rarely masturbate; I really don’t have any interest in it. Erotica and porn either bore me or gross me out. It takes me about 2 or more hours to orgasm with my husband. I can’t do this every other night (although there was a time we tried) because it leaves me exhausted and I have to get up in the night with kids/babies. Also, I get severe depression after I orgasm (my hormones crash afterwards) for several hours. I certainly don’t look forward to this deep pit of despair after climaxing (the bigger the orgasm, the worse the depression is). To make things even more difficult, I have an autoimmune disease that gives me joint pain, fatigue, and low-grade fevers. So, I have a host of excuses. But… my husband was still really frustrated, even though I gave him sex every other day. I had a terrible attitude about it and just laid there.
I felt trapped, guilty, and frustrated that I didn’t have a normal libido like everyone else. I went to counselling. Over several months I worked on overcoming my sex aversion and flashbacks. I used CBT to try to train my mind that sex was good. I slowly weaned off the antidepressant. But I still had no desire for sex. My counselor mentioned that I might be asexual. I had my hormones tested- all normal. But this problem of my husband wanting better sex wasn’t going away. It’s kind of like trying to describe colors to a blind person. I can’t understand what it’s like being horny all the time. He can’t understand what it’s like having no sex drive. I was scared that there was no solution. We got into fights. We prayed. I read book after book on increasing libido, having good sex. I started reading about how frustrated people are when their spouse is refusing them. The lights were slowly going on for me. I don’t, and can’t understand it, but sex is very important to my husband. For him, sex and his emotional well-being are interconnected. For me, my emotional needs need fulfilled but I see no need for sex. I could happily live the rest of my life without it.
I wrote my husband a letter. I apologized for getting married. It’s not fair to him. I vowed to be his sexual partner for life, and I’m not keeping up my half of the bargain. But he said he is in it for the long haul. We finally came up with a compromise. It’s not perfect. He’s learning to accept that his wife will probably never desire him sexually. I have to accept that I will have to have frequent sex with him the rest of our married life. He decided the frequency (every other night is as long as he says he can go without). He also wants actual intercourse at least once a week. But I get to choose the activity – no more dead fish for me. On nights I have more energy I will give him oral and lots of visual, but no touching me. If I’m unwell, spooning is best. If I’m actually aroused, I will stimulate myself and give him oral (I have less depression after if I do it myself). If I start having flashbacks, getting bored or frustrated with anything we stop and he either finishes himself or we try something else. I hate being touched but I will let him at the end when he’s climaxing. He likes to get me to the big “O” sometimes but because of sleep and my depression after we decided that several times a year when we get away for a weekend are best for that. No pressure ever anymore for me to orgasm. I try to look at it as my gift to him, because I love him. It’s so hard, and I often dread “our night.” I try to relax my body and think more positive thoughts during the day. I like to cuddle but he only cuddles when he’s expecting sex and I do resent that.
It’s not a “happy ever after” story, but its working for us. He told me he is less frustrated now and seems to respect me more. I am learning to be less selfish and my guilt over being a bad lover is decreasing.
Jody,
So touched by your story. Despite such difficult challenges, you prevailed. From my perspective as a man, that proves your true and selfless love for your man (with flying colours). Your husband is a very lucky man. God bless
Well this is the best explanation I have ever been given which came from a fully qualified sex therapist. A person is either:
1) Genuinely not in the mood to have sex
2) Hasn’t thought or had any cravings for sex (but hasn’t had any feelings against having sex)
3) Is totally in the mood to have sex
Now what this therapist said is that the person with the low sex drive (usually female) will only have sex with their partner when they are number 3. When they are number 2 they find excuses to present as number 1. They will even try and convince themselves that they are number 1. I can’t remember it all word for word but if you are number 2 you may not have thought about or craved sex all day or all week but it DOES NOT mean you couldn’t have amazing, mind blowing sex that night. Unfortunately they generally continue to reject their partner on the basis that they are (in their mind) number 1 and wait until they are number 3. They overlook their partners physical desire to have sex but more alarmingly they overlook their partners feelings and emotions as a person who is being literally sent packing by someone who supposedly loves them. They usually don’t see that there is any reason to fix anything because to them, nothing is broken. They are perfectly happy.
So during the sessions (which were with my wife) I asked how it was possible for us to have gone from having sex once every 6 weeks to having sex nearly every other day when we tried for A baby. She said that my wife, unlike before, was motivated and did away with placing herself in the number 1 category all the time. She began seeing number 2 as a valid opportunity to become number 3 instead of a valid reason to become number 1.
Finally (this one confused me for a while) she said, a relationship isn’t necessarily better the more you have sex but usually it is worse The less you have sex. I asked her to explain this riddle and she said money can’t buy you happiness but huge debts and financial hardship can cause depression.
It all makes perfect sense when you look at it this way.
First of all to all the women that say they think it is fine to go screw any guy when she is not getting it at home BS. If that is your belief Why the hell are you married? As a over 50 male, married to a beautiful women, I can tell you that it is not all so simple as many here think. In the early years of our 33 year marriage the sex was often and great. Then she found out I was looking at porn and that started the down hill slide. Since I come from a very messed up family of bitter women, I was never taught much about sex so I turned to porn to learn how to please my wife (not a good idea) but it did spice up the sex for awhile. But her hurt and anger grew over my porn addiction and myself having low self esteem I took her reactions as personal attacks on my man hood so over time I just didn’t want the hurt so I quit initiating sex until age brought on erectile dysfunction. Then the embarrassment was so bad that I didn’t even try to have sex with her any more. Don’t get me wrong my wife is just as hot looking now as she was 33 years ago it is me that let myself go and became the overweight slob. Well I lived in my own little bubble oblivious to her needs and hurts. then after three years of no sex at all she recently moved to the other bedroom. That was when my stupid brain woke up out of the coma I was living in. At first I was angry then hurt and for the first time in years grew a pair and confronted her about it and yes it hurt to find out she was checking out on or marriage and me and was disgusted with what I had become. So since that day I have did a 360 in life. I no longer spend hours on the computer looking at porn. I spend hours trying to learn all I can about what I did to her and ho to fix it. I also try to spend time talking with her daily and (listening). Shit I was so out of touch that when she told me she was not having periods anymore and was entering Menopause, I was like “say what”. Well all I can do now is PRAY a lot and spend the rest of my time trying to make up the hurts I did to her and show her affection daily. And with God and lots of HOPE we can have the Intimate marriage I OWE her. So ladies before you go looking for some strange dick try talking HONESTLY and OPENLY with your husband first, maybe he is like me and truly loves you and is willing to make the changes to fix the problem. To the men I say GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE PORN OR WHATEVER AND FIX THE PROBLEM WITH THE GIFT GOD GAVE YOU!!
Hal, Before you make comments such as some of the ones you have written, I would advise that you read the responses people have written in full. “Before the ladies go looking for some strangers dick try talking openly” as you put it. No one on this thread has taken to cheating lightly and some have been trying to open continuous dialogue with their partners for 20+ years. The result being they get knocked back again and again. Secondly,” to the men, get your head out of the porn and fix the problem”. What are you talking about mate? Yes I watch porn hear and there as do probably most men on this thread but I would give it up in a micro second if my fucked me once a week or dare I ever hope for twice. You seem to have assumed that all the women are looking for sex outside the relationship they are in, but they are not! They are looking for sex inside the relationship they are in but everyone has a limit. As for the porn thing, you may have neglected your wife for porn but I know sure as he’ll have not!
So I ask, what is your point?
It’s rather scary how many seem to be in the same boat as me. My husband and I have been married for 4 years, together for 6. I’ve known him since we were teenagers. We used to Rodeo together (he was a bullrider, myself a barrel racer), and would travel as a group from Rodeo to Rodeo. I remember having to bang on hotel doors to shake him out of bed with whatever buckle bunny (or two) he spent the night with so we could all leave for the next Rodeo. He was the man-whore of our group. In fact, he’s been very physical for as long as I’ve known him. We re-met again 6 years ago. He’s a paramedic and I’m an RN. We were very serial, very intimate, & very VERY passionate. About 3 years ago, I hurt my back severely enough to need surgery. Understandably, we pretty much abstained because it was just too painful for me, no matter what position we tried. After surgery 2 years ago, I felt like a new me. But it’s like the habit can’t be broken. It’s been 3 years since he’s even touched me. I’ve done all that I know to do… Attempted to communicate about it, initiate everything, virtually try to turn myself into anything short of a porn star to rekindle something. It all gets me nowhere. I became depressed, my self esteem plummeted, and I feel like something is wrong with me. I got to the point where I distanced myself from him, because anything otherwise was just too depressing, too upsetting, too personal. I absolutely love him – he is an amazing man. I’m still very attracted to him. I’ve never been unfaithful to anyone in my life, but I even found myself having those thoughts. The fact that I even considered being unfaithful is torturing my conscience. I told him we don’t have a marriage, we have a domestic partnership. We aren’t husband & wife, we’re roommates. The only time I’ve gotten any kind of response is after I poured my heart out to him, trying to make him understand how much I’ve been suffering silently. Two hours of intense conversation, and his response was “I have issues.” No elaboration, no details, no explanation. And no matter how many times I ask him what that means, he will not elaborate. I’ve brought up marriage counseling, doctors consultations, even individual therapy if he doesn’t feel like he can talk to me about it, but he won’t even try to work towards a resolution. I tell myself that no matter what, I will endure because I am in this, I meant my vows. But the longer it continues, the more hopeless, depressed, angry, & resentful I am becoming. Maybe it’s because some part of me believes that sex = love, but I’ve rationalized that he just must not be in love with me anymore (which does wonders for my already non-existant self esteem). For the longest time, he begged me to consider having a family with him (I’ve never really wanted kids). Lately, I’ve actually considered it. However, I am not capable of spontaneous conception last I checked. And the man who previously begged me seems like he couldn’t care less about it. I am 32, he is 37 – while I get that we’re both getting to the age of libido problems, I don’t know how much longer I can take this. I’m not as proud to be his wife as I used to be, and even less proud to call him my husband these days. We’re both young still, and I just cannot accept that this is “it”
Hi Catherine
I don’t think this is “it”.
What I find interesting is the normal sex life before your back problems, do you think he has found sex elsewhere? I’m only asking because as a man reading your words, I started to think this.
I think there is a lot of hope in your situation, he just needs to be re programmed to engage with you again.
I wish my wife would, she fires into life for one night every so often and then it’s back to the career, the dogs, the kids, the friends, the mother in law, etc … I’m actually like a sex toy, I’m taken out the cupboard every so often in the hope the batteries are not dead and fired up …
I’ve suggested all manner of things, I’m to,d yes I will do that, I facilitate it, and nothing happens.
I was offered sex on a plate two weeks ago by an ex, actually offered outright, I turned her down, this must be the tenth person i’ve turned down in ten years. I must be friggin crazy, as I yet again lay next to Eskimo Lucy (she dresses for bed like I’m forcing her to sleep in a freezer) and her sidekick dog.
To be fair I’m actually at the point of joining a fuckbuddy site. Sad but true. I’m ok for money and relatively young at 50. Life can be fun still surely at my age? Do I have to be treated like I’m finished.
Anyway, you’ll be ok, you just need to find out why he cannot start the engine …
Mosses
Catherine,
It sounds to me like he’s feeling like I have, so let me tell you what happened to me in hopes you can find some insight there. There were complications from childbirth that were discovered late and insurance wouldn’t cover. The worst was a herniated navel that left her in blinding pain with the slightest abdominal tension. It took four years to get my wife her surgery, and this left me with a couple of problems. First, I felt horrible as a provider and protector. She should not have had to wait three years for her hernia surgery, and that did a real number on my self-worth. It took me a couple of years to get over it, and to be honest it still bothers me a little on those rare occasions when I think about it. I still consider it a personal failure, but I’ve learned to put it in the “learn from this and don’t dwell on it” drawer. Most of the time it stays there.
When she had recovered from the surgery and was finally able to orgasm without pain, I immediately (within 24 hours!) had to go and work 800 miles away for 6 months. This reinforced the habit. We made love maybe 5 times in the next 6 years, then not at all in the six years since. She just didn’t want it, and when she did think about it, all she could remember was pain. It took her a few years to get over that.
The second problem was that I was left with nothing but years of masturbation. Predictable, consistent, 7-10 times a week. I got very used to that. When we finally started our plans to move to a new part of the country, I lived alone in a motor home. In ways it was soul crushing and she told me to do whatever I had to do, to make it through. I got confirmation of my ED, which I’d been aware was developing. My new partner was incredibly patient and helped me through it. It took about a dozen nights before I could be successful. Thanks to her I’ve learned the key: two days recharge from taking care of myself before I can make love. Recharge after making love: minutes. But it took a lot of time and patience, and someone who was willing and happy to wait for me to start working again. It’s hard to be that person, if you can get him this far. Willing to play, delighted and thankful for the play, regardless of the outcome. Always taking the performance pressure off. Maybe, eventually, getting him “working” again. Helping him understand that he’s a man regardless of whether it worked THIS TIME. Willing to help him get there, and delighted to play even if he can’t. That’s a tall order, but it’s what it took to get me to where I could keep an erection long enough to even penetrate. I had heaped an impossible amount of pressure on myself, and each day before my “therapy” simply added more.
So I had two problems: a perceived failure to fulfill my responsibility to my wife, and a psycho/biological failure. You can imagine how the first one made the second worse. I’m sad to say that it took someone who didn’t really matter in my life, to really get me over both of these. I was so afraid to talk to my wife about it because for the longest time any talk of a sexual nature she perceived as pressuring her.
My wife and I are still working on it, and I hope that you two can work it out. Sex is such fun, and it’s best with someone who matters to you. Sometimes, though, our perception of our own failure creates more failure, and that death spiral is hard to get out of.
My wife and I just celebrated our 20th anniversary at Treehouse Point. Our 16 year old daughter was there the whole time. My wife would rather the daughter not be left out than… no, that’s not really fair.
We’re a great team, awesome parents, and our daughter loves us both dearly. My wife’s an outstanding person, but the pregnancy very nearly killed her and there were complications that weren’t discovered until after our health insurance went away. Depression, diabetes, and a herniated navel biologically prevented anything happening for the first several years. She told me I could “stray,” but that she absolutely wanted not to hear about it. I’m not a sneaky person, so even though I was technically free to play, I couldn’t be certain she wouldn’t find out so there wasn’t any. Then after 5 years she got hernia surgery and stopped breathing on the table. They brought her back, but after the hernia had healed and she could orgasm without pain it was implied (but not outright stated) that I was back on the short leash, as it were… except she was never interested. Years of antidepressants and blinding pain had taken their toll.
We tried. She’s still the loving and wonderful person I married all those years ago, but not the sexual person I married. What’s sexless? It’s been 6-1/2 years since we last made love, and even longer since we made out. The old problems that kept her from wanting any are now succeeded in their roles by dermagraphia, arthritis, stress, and habit. I dread the thought that I gave up all hope of an active sex life forever at age 38. We talk about it, she says she “wants to want it,” and nothing changes.
I tell her that my time on social and dating sites is in hopes of finding an able hiking partner, and that’s certainly true, but I hold out a faint shadow of hope that when I find her she’ll be interested in me sexually and romantically, too. I’ve reached a point where I no longer think that’s likely, and I’m sure that’s a self-fulfilling prophecy, but since it was never explicitly said that the “short leash” as I call it was back, I’ve continued to treat my relationship as secretly open – permission to stray so long as she doesn’t know about it. I hate it, but it’s all I’ve got.
You’re probably already aware and this isn’t a dig at your marriage but you and your wife are just friends. It’s as simple as that. I didn’t get married to be just someone’s friend hence the reason, like you, I fight in for something better and more fulfilling.
Tom,
I take some issue with your definitions but I get your point. With one exception, I still love everyone I’ve ever loved. “Just friends” is a problematic term for a variety of reasons, but as I say I get your meaning. I don’t have any “just” friends I regularly get a quick kiss from, but every friendship is deeper than our culture has words for.
We really are closer than you seem to suggest, and she’s understanding that I have needs. She just wants to keep her illusion of exclusivity… and has no sex drive at all. The only fulfillment I’m not getting out of this is sexual.
“Terms” would be a better word than “definitions” in my reply.
Greg, you are probably right in what you say. My response is somewhat based on resentment of my situation which is largely similar to yours except my wife doesn’t have the same medical history to fall back on. Also, we have never been more than 3 months without sex. My opinion though to a certain extent is that your wife like mine is capable of having sex. Also she will be capable of enjoying sex. The huge problem is that she is perfectly happy without it, has learned to live life without it and therefore it’s almost considered a chore to even think of going for it. I’ll make a prediction here that you don’t initiate it anymore purely because it’s your way of guarding against yet another rejection. I am the same! I wait until she is horny be it 3 weeks or 9. If our wives built sex into their monthly schedule like brushing her hair, like painting her nails , like many other things she doesn’t feel an automatic desire to go and do but does anyway, sex would become habit and part of marriage (and so it bloody should be). Unfortunately, not brushing your hair makes her look shit, not painting her nails makes her feel less attractive but not having sex only makes someone else (me) feel shit and feelings aren’t always visible. And it is for this reason I have become resentful of my wife in this department. Being totally genuine, if I had sex 2 or at most 3 nights running I could simply take it or leave it beyond that for a few days. I would probably prefer at least a days break. But, if my wife really wanted to, if me saying no affected her confidence and general happiness, I wouldn’t dream of saying no as my pleasure would come from making her happy! That’s simply my view, it may not be yours but best of luck with everything!
Having re read my comment, it may sound like I have an expectation for sex to happen several nights in a row. This is not the case. My point was merely that if I was at a stage where I could happily take or leave it, I would take it if it meant my wife didn’t suffer in any way.
Sure, why not cheat who have a women the rite to withold
Sex from her husband because, of marriage its funny how PEOPLE WHERE having just outside of marriage when they marry its a different story.Making up, for a sexless marriage is ridiculous, you think the sexless relationship marriage will last he will cheat on you go ahead to married to your cheating husband.
I’ve got the same problem as all of you here. We’re married for only 3 years, but already sexless since our child was born last year. Today I tried to talk to my husband about it, what I’ve tried so many times before, but it ended the same again… We’d had a huge fight, and then he just went to sleep, like nothing has happened.
I have to mention that he’s Japanese (41) and I’m from Europe (28). I moved to Japan after we got married and basically gave up everything for him: job, dreams, family and friends… We knew each other for some years then, everything was fine – and sex was so good with him!… Now I’m a housewife doing small jobs from home. I speak Japanese quite well.
This fight wasn’t the first one. I talked to him about my need for intimacy about 6 months ago, and it ended up just like today. He blamed me for everything, saying horrible things: I went crazy, only care about myself, I’m always complaining, nothing is good enough, can’t do anything by myself and he hates me like this, so this is what I deserve. Also, he said life became difficult with a baby, but his daily file hasn’t changed at all: he doesn’t have to move a finger when he’s at home, because I do everything around the house alone. I make his tea aswell, because it’s the wife’s job, he says. He often goes out for some drinks with friends or a massage, and even on the weekends he’s just sleeping or watching tv.
After the first time this happened, I attempted suicide, but he found me and intervened in time. I don’t really remember what happened… I know I was raging. I think I was out of my mind completely. Then I told him everything, every little things, all the frustration. He was shocked because he didn’t have a clue how I felt, felt very sorry and promised me that he will try to change.
Yesterday he told me he asked all of his friends and they stopped having sex after the children were born and they don’t miss it at all. It’s completely normal here!… After telling him that I’m not like them and it’s important for me – as I think it’s a vital point of a relationship -, he started saying the same things again…
How can this be normal?! Now we have a child, so our job is done? And why does he feel the need to punish me like this??… We’re living like roommates, just sleeping in the same bed. As others wrote before: I didn’t sign up for this. By the way, I know he’s addicted to porn, and he masturbates to it almost every day. I don’t need to investigate: he does it very openly, in the middle of the living room while I’m trying to make the baby sleep. I’ve often found him in the middle of it…
I feel disappointed, unwanted, despised, cheated… It’s unbelievable that even though he attacks with unrelated and unreal things when I try to talk about this, our relationship is completely fine. We can talk about anything, he makes me laugh many times, but our relationship lacks intimacy. I don’t even remember the last time we’d kissed – isn’t it insane?? We’re not married for 30 years, it’s just 3 years! Too early to be estranged…
Before I started writing, I went to the balcony to smoke (started it 2 months ago to release the stress – he doesn’t know about this) and cut myself (not proud of it though). I feel a little better, calmer now. After our fight, my husband told me that I should find a solution by myself, because being sexless is only my problem… Sure, will do, I said, but I know I couldn’t cheat him… Now I think he just showed his best side to get me… I really need to find a proper job to save up more money, so I can escape if things get worse.
I will reply more tomorrow but
1. There is a life out there for you
2. I think he’s talking rubbish that all Japanese men stop sex after childbirth
3. He degrades you masturbating in front of you, he should be engaged with you in sex
4. Seriously think how you can break free from this
5. Never feel you need to commit suicide, many of us are here to talk … please
Mosses
Xx
Thank you for your answer. I read it the next day, but took my time to answer because I was thinking all this time. Actually, I started to feel shame for writing such things about him on this site…
We talked a lot later that week and he felt really sorry. We were together one night and – though it wasn’t successful – I was relieved that he’s trying. He also confessed to me that during my pregnancy he got used to doing it all alone and he can’t even imagine doing it in any other way. He’s not even interested in sex, just stresses him out that he needs to perform. For me, it’s more about the emotions, and I never complain to him when it’s not goong well.
I haven’t mentioned earlier that he was with me during childbirth, but it was completely his decision. I asked him and he said it didn’t shock him.
I decided to be more understanding, but after a dreadful Christmas with another fight and his complains about all this, I think I’ll just give up.
I don’t know what to believe about his friends being sexless, because I wasn’t there, so basically he could say anything…
Andrea, please don’t feel guilty. You’re not the one going crazy. I can entirely relate to your exact situation. You have to know that you’re far from alone. Many sleep separately soon after child birth, some even soon after marriage, and/or just stop having sex, just because it’s mendokusai.
The job of the husband is to financially support the family. The job of the wife is to raise the kids and take care of the household. It’s been like this since the baby boom. The husband, performing for his company, doing long hours, comes home very tired, and wants nothing else but rest. The woman, working her ass of at home, screams for appreciation and some love from her husband. For the brief amount of time they are actually together, this often results in fighting, no sex, and it’s just easier to avoid all of it.
It’s much easier for the men to go to porn, or prostitution (which is socially accepted) to satify their needs and fantasies. For woman, they dream about, and very often cheat, with older and younger ikemen.
For many western, married to Japanese, this is a part of Japan they knew little about. Love and sex are separated things. Although I notice a trend in the younger generation that are changing this behavior towards a more western like approach.
For now, I think it’s good that you talk about it to your partner. I notice that 1-1 time is very important… Dating, weekend trips, love hotels,… Taking him/her into a different place helps. Show him that he you can live his fantasies with you without worries or stress, cosplay, sex toys,…
I can talk much more about this. If you want to talk in private, just let me know. お互いに、頑張ろう！
Ryomai, thank you for your reply! It helped in understanding this situation a little! I know my answer is really late, but I was trying to solve this…
Nothing worked, so I moved forward. I decided that I won’t mention the subject to him. Instead, I tried to enjoy my time alone. I’m concentratind on our child, I go out every day and try to improve in every way I can. I made new friends and meet them once every week. I also found a job and because I work from home, my nights become busy after everyone goes to sleep.
I think he sensed something, because about 3 weeks ago we were together every night for one week. He initiated. And it was amazing. Since then, nothing happened, but I don’t really care.
Actually, something interesting happened. Maybe I enjoy my freetime too much now, because after that one week, I felt happy that he wants nothing from me, because it would take my time away… I’m shocked to realize that now I’m doing the same…
About the ‘love and sex are separated’ thing… I managed to discuss it with my husband. Also, that love and marriage are completely different things. I’m trying to understand this all, but it’s just too much… I told him that for me 恋愛 and sex is very important in marriage, but he said it’s not important at all. I was shocked. I think it does sound crazy, but I’ve started to think that what if he didn’t love me, that he just wanted to marry me because I’d make a good wife, and maybe that’s why we ended like this…
I really want to understand this more. I don’t think I can conform to it, but I could handle the situation a little better.
Andrea
Please take a look at http://www.iliasm.com
Great place for help.
Mosses
I met my wife, i liked her thought she was sweet and innocent and shy. When we kissed the first time I asked if she was previously sexually active, she admitted she was with a man that boarded by her parents, she would wait at night when her parents, her sister, her grandmother, the domestic helper and 2 other borders were asleep and then she would sneak him up to her room and they would have sex, she did this for over two years. She did it all undercover, oral sex anything this guy wanted. He told her he was just in it for sex and she didn’t mind even taking birth control pills just to make sure she didn’t fall pregnant. When she met me a few months after he left, her sex drive vanished, we would kiss occasionally but everything else was off limits. I was never allowed upstairs even when there was no one at home. I thought that when we got married things would change and they did, she wanted sex to have a baby and after that, it stopped until she wanted another one, which i didn’t want. Our sex life is probably the most dead lifeless worthless meaningless crap ever in the history of sex. I’d rather take a pair of tweezers and pull out each strand of grass in Wembley stadium one by one. My wife refuses oral sex in seven years she always had an excuse, she just lays on her back lets me do all the work and then says “OK i’m done” when i say i’m not yet finished i am told to wait for next time and so it continues. Plus now as a husband i have to take her out, go to family and other functions and the only benefits i get is cooking and ironing. And to top it all off she must be on same kind of competition to make herself completely sexless. I gave her my all when i married her and so far its been the worst decision of my life.
Can I ask how old you both are?
I have been married for 18 years and I cannot stand having sex with my husband. I do it out of an obligation 6x times a year. So why do I hate sex with my husband? He is not good in bed!! That is the main reason, but he is also totally selfish in our relationship and in bed. If he was sweet and kind I would give him what he wants, but he treats me like a maid, cook and nanny…so instead of working on the relationship I have given up. Now, I’m the one who is selfish and I really don’t care anymore. I have raised three beautiful children almost singlehandedly….even our children say that Dad wasn’t really involved! Once the youngest is off to college, I’m moving on. He will be devastated because he will miss his maid and cook… I mean Mommy (hence the lack of sex).
Kara
I think you have it right. May I ask your age?
Mosses
Ive been married for 4 years.
We no longer having sex for the past 2 years, when I found him cheating with another man & browsing gay porn videos & picture. Yes! He is a gay!
He stop seeing another guy for about 6 months ago I think.
I really want to move on. But, he is a good daddy to my kids.
God help me
Ennie
See my reply to Cass below.
Mosses
I can’t believe I stumbled upon this page. I am relieved that I have found so many people suffering from the same issues as I, but then even more saddened because it just reaffirms that I don’t think this will get any better.
My spouse and I are 8 years apart. I am 33 he is 42. We met when I was 24 and have been together for about 9 years. When we met I was in the middle of a nasty split with my ex boyfriend of 5 years. I reluctantly fell for him, either out of haste to replace my ex or maybe at the time he is what I needed. Looking back now maybe I should have just lived the single life and played the field for a while. At first the sex was fierce, it was like we were 17 year old kids. I had my doubts about us maintaining anything beyond this rebound relationship but the sex was too good to quit.
We used to go out with friends a lot, go to parties and have fun. But then it stopped being quite as much fun, him being an alcoholic, started to show his true colors when he drank. Not being abusive or anything but just obnoxious, we would fight when ever we would go out. So I stopped going out with our friends, there was just too much drama and I was embarrassed. Then life settled into a routine. I was going to college, working full time, him also working full time. Maintaining a normal household. The things that people in a normal long term relationship do. The sex went from multiple times a week to twice a month to once a month to once every six months. As of this point next month will mark the 3rd YEAR in which we have not had sex. The handful of times we had sex before the eventual dry spell he was drunk when we had sex. I actually don’t remember the last time we had sex (that I didn’t initiate) while he was stone cold sober. I don’t know if he has sexual anxiety or performance issues and that is why he needs the alcohol. He won’t discuss it with me. It makes me feel like he can’t have sex with me sober because I am disgusting to him so he has to have his proverbial beer goggles on.
I am embarrassed that I am even reaching out to strangers online at this point. I just feel so isolated. I don’t have many friends anymore, mostly because we are all on different life paths and lost touch or I just don’t think they would get it if I told them. I have tried talking to him, reasoning with him, trying to get to the root of the issue. Is it medical? Is it me? Is he cheating? Is he gay? Have I gained too much weight? Did something happen the last time we had sex to make him not want to come near me? He dodges the conversation like a bullet and just says he is stressed about A, B or C. I gave him the benefit of the doubt for a while. His job was stressful, so when he got a new one I thought well maybe this is the ticket. Nope. His step father was battling cancer and passed away, that went on for a year, I didn’t press the issue knowing it was hard on him. But then after his father passed and the dust settled I tried to initiate intimacy. Nope, rejected again. Every time there is something hard to deal with in his life I back off and don’t press the issue.
But it has been 3 years! I have started to feel depressed, ashamed and resentful. I have put on a few pounds, I know it is because I am depressed. I don’t want to leave the house, I feel so ashamed of myself and rejected that I have begun to feel like everyone is going to judge me or reject me the way that my significant other has.
I love him, I do but this just isn’t worth it. When I bring up the topic now he just tells me to stop making him feel guilty about it, “that everyone is always trying to make him feel bad for stuff”. He says he loves me and does everything for me, which for the most part he does, but as far as intimacy he just doesn’t get it. We don’t hold hands, cuddle, kiss with any sort of passion and certainly do not have any kind of sexual contact whatsoever.
I am contemplating cheating, I don’t have any potential prospects for an affair but I know that this is what it is going to come down to. We aren’t technically married, common-law, which is recognized in our state because of our taxes. So I will have to file a divorce, which adds to my anxiety because I never even got the pleasure of being proposed to, having a romantic wedding, nothing. We filed our taxes together and that was it. I feel dumb for having to consider a real divorce for a pseudo marriage. I have graduated from college and graduate school but have yet to nail down gainful employment making more than I do now to be able to plan a life without him. My crushing student loan debt make me just wait it out because there is no way to survive right now on my own. I am so lonely and feel so isolated. I used to be so confident and strong willed but I feel like I am a shell of the person I used to be. I went to a reunion a few months ago (without him) and went out drinking with some of my best friends from high school. One of my dearest friends that I used to date knew right off the bat that I wasn’t happy. After I got sloppy drunk, he held my hands and hugged me, and was just there. I bawled like a baby when I sobered up because it hit me how starved I was for human affection of any kind, even non-sexual affection. I really am just lost at this point.
Cass
Please join and read http://www.iliasm.org, it’s an amazing place to help you.
Iliasm = I live in a sexless marriage
It will be your saving grace, it was mine!
Mosses
I’ve been married for 16 years to my husband, approximately 13 of those have been sexless ( I lost count a while back). He was a virgin when we met, I was not. I was a very sexual person when I was in my 20’s and always thought that I would never have this issue when I got married at 28. When we first met the sex was amazing! But after our wedding day, sex seemed to slowly decrease . I will admit that some of it has been my fault. I suffer from major depressive disorder and for a long thought that I could handle it by myself. So the thought of sex was not too much on my mind. Flash forward a few years, I am on meds and see a therapist which has made a lot of difference. This unfortunately has not made any difference in our sex life. People kept asking us when we were going to have kids and I always made some excuse. About 3 years ago I asked him if we were ever going to discuss this issue. He didn’t think anything was wrong in our marriage. I was beyond shocked. I pretty much lost respect for him that day. We’ve seen a marriage counselor for a while but nothing has changed. What ever we discussed in our sessions of the things he said as going to do never get taken care of. He has seen our family doctor and currently seeing his own therapist. I don’t know if the have discussed our lack of sex or not. He wants to blame all the issues he has with sex on his parents. They were not particularly religious but according to him he was told that sex was pretty much for reproduction. I find it hard to believe that is how he thinks since we started having sex well before we were married. I know he masturbates to porn quite often. I have caught him a few times and he has admitted it to our therapist. He says he’s still attracted to me & loves me, but there is no affection other the a peck on the mouth occasionally. I’m pretty much at my wits end and sure that I’m no longer in love with him and do not find him attractive any longer. The lack of physical attention has made me feel awful about myself and what ever self esteem I had is now gone. Last spring I totally broke and was preparing to take my own life but I could never do that to my family. I ended up spending a 5 days in the psych ward of the hospital and went to a month long out patient therapy program, in which doing so cost me my job. So here I am, coming off the worst year of my life ever, still with no hope it will ever get better. I am so damn resentful of him and doing this to me. We still spend time together but that is only because he’s the only person I’ve got to do social activities with. He has told the therapist that we have a sexless marriage, not a loveless one. For me now that is no longer true. I pretty much have a friend/roommate at this point I didn’t sign up for this to happen to me. I am still unemployed and feel I am stuck where I am and really don’t have the option to leave. I’m trying to find something to provide me the means to support myself because my only option is to move in with my parents and at 45 years old, that is not an attractive option. I do have an intense attraction to another man but he’s married to and I’m pretty sure he does not feel the same towards me. We’ve flirted a little but that is about it. I have not seen him in a while to try to possibly forget my feelings for him but that has not worked at all. I still think about him all the time. If he would come to me tomorrow and said he wanted me, I’d be gone in a heartbeat. But since that isn’t going to happen, I sit here night after night, crying tears of pain.. I just don’t know how much longer I can live like this.
Please join http://www.iliasm.org, there is massive support there.
There is hope …
Mosses
I do not know what to do. I will be turning 50 this year my husband will be 56, over the past few years sex has been going down hill twice a year if I am lucky, and it is not even 10 min no for play and he will not finish the job, I even bought toys for him to use on me, he has no desire to use them.
I told him he needed medical help and started taking viagra about 5 or 6 years ago and would complain about the head aches he would get, and the cost and would not take them anymore, so Last year I finally had enough and told him, I could not live this way anymore and I was thinking about leaving, As I have never cheated “thought about” it but never have, that is not what marriage is all about but this has been lasting for over 9 years so it has crossed my mind.
He said he went to the dr who put him on testoserown therapy every two weeks. which he says he gets every other week but then I find out that he has missed appointments and that he could not afford the $8.00 script that lasts a month, but will always have beer in the fridge.
So sex is now more crappy then before. He gets all hard then soon as we start its gone, He will not finish me off I am so up set
Now that I am writing this and look back on what I have written, I think to my self what a fool I have been talking with him over and over again for years till I am blue in the face, trying to be a loving and understanding wife who accepted when he could not finish
and when I did talk with him it would go great for a couple of weeks then back to his old ways. Now he just grabs my ass hugs me and flirts with me tell me he loves me then nothing. I am at the point that I do not want him to touch me . He has great manipulation skills and knows how to push my buttons or am I just angry and not seeing this right.
Please someone help me I just do not know were to turn.
crumbs. You do sound to be in a semi-dark place. I think you stand a chance of recovery but you need to make some hard decisions. For example, do you stay or do you reach for the door handle and be brave …. can you afford to go, some cannot. Are there kids involved etc etc
I would die to have my wife offer up toys. She is a frump sadly and sex is on her terms only when it fits in and around her career.
I would suggest you http://www.iliasm.org, there is massive support there.
There is hope …
Mosses
Wow, as many of you guys have said before, I’m “glad” I’m not the only one going through hell. I’m 25 and my bf is 28. They funny thing about it is that we met trough a hook up website and after a couple of months we fell in love with each other and got into a relationship. Everything was amazing, wonderful, I felt so desired, I thought he was the hottest man on earth, I still do. We used to have sex every si for day 2-3 times day. I understand it was the honey moon phase and all that stuff, and I also understood that it wasn’t going to be like that forever. We moved in together within days, started traveling together. I found out I was pregnant. It was a really hard decision to make but I ended up not having the baby, that’s what we both decided. Right after that (approx 6 months together) he changed completely. I felt distant, alone and disgusting for what I did. I thought we would be strong because that’s what we talked about. Anyway, everything changed, the sex happening less and less. 1 per week, then once per month to the point that I stopped asking for it because I felt pethetic begging him for some love. The worst feeling in the world is that loneliness,emptiness, pressure on your chest that you can’t let out. I cried night after night after night because of this. Literally had “the talk” with him every 3 months until I stopped because talking to him about that was like talking to the wall and his final argument always was…”that’s the only thing you care about ” ” why are you still with me then?” ” I love you, you’re fucking sexy, but I just don’t like sex that much” mind you I knew he watched porn and stuff. I actually asked him to watch porn together and make love but that was never an option for him. I love this man so much, I find him highly attractive in every way, I like to think this is going to change but after reading all those 20-40 year marriage that never hanged , I feel doubt now. I want to leave but don’t want to end up wondering what would of happen if I would’ve stayed. I think someone like him is very hard to find, but again, what about me.? The once a month we have sex, he doesn’t even come. He said he licked thick girls, I gained 30+ pounds just for him to look at me with desire. I just don’t understand how a person that says I love you and tells you you’re sexy and beautiful, who not have intimacy with you? If I feel man is attractive I will be all over him like I used to but he made me feel so rejected, skinny, then fat and ugly , that I just feel ashamed of even thinking about asking for some. It’s crazy it’s been only a year and 8 months and I already feel like I’ve been living these for 20 years. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like everything was a scam. Sorry nice the beginning. Funny to think that we let in a sex app and now that’s the issue. Forgot to mention he is very jealous man without motive, insecure. Our relationship seem so perfect to other people that I have friends asking me what’s the secret to look so happy. It they only knew…. when my friends act bothered because their man want an active sexual life and they don’t, I feel jealous of them. I wish my man, that man that I love would look at me with desire, passion. I wish that man would hold me hard and kiss me and tell me he wants me. Is not that I need sex to be happy, i need HIS sex to be happy. He’s a great man, in every sense of the word, but sexually… I don’t even think I know this person anymore. I wish we could be together forever. I would never get Tigre’s of giving him what he wants. He doesn’t even likes oral sex. Not give it nor recieve it. And the saddest part about this… he know how I feel. He knows how I’m suffering. And the only thing he says is. I’m sorry.
Thank you for reading, I haven’t tell this to anyone, not even my best friend..I’m so ashamed and disgusted of what I’ve become.
Have a nice one xx
what resonates with me :
>..but don’t want to end up wondering what would of happen if I would’ve stayed
You will steadily sink further into the world you have, I’m sorry but you will.
There is hope but I think it is rare to turn things around like this. I would consider moving on.
As I keep telling people may I suggest you join :
http://www.iliasm.org
Keep the faith.
Mosses
Someone else will come along, who will crave your body and want you all of the time.
Ok so heres my story…. Im 25 and hes 29 we have 2 lil girls and i have adhd as im typing this i havent had sex in two weeks my libido is way overactive to the point if its not every other night i go crazy im depressed all the time because im undersexed and unsatisfied toys dont work for me its like my body knows the difference and doesnt get any pleasure out of them, i love my fiancee, yup i said fiancee and we have only been together 4 years i dont find myself attracted to any other man so i dont want to cheat yet i feel so lonely half the time that i secretly curl up in the bathroom and cry i dont know what to do i talk to him about it but all he does is complain about his pain from work (he builds trailers) i understand and i try not to bother him but even when i just want cuddle intimacy time he’d rather sit in his bean bag chair and drink a beer and vape there are sometimes i feel unwanted yet he assures me he wants me but does nothing about it and whenever i bring up lack o spontaneousness he blames the kids I NEED HELP and release!!!!
Also on a side note i have horrible insomnia because of this problem too
I was in a sexless marriage for years..We have been married for 20+ years. The last 5 years I have been cheating with another guy.Lets go to before that.. It started 8 years ago…and sex turned into somthing i begged for all the time…it was a once a month endeveor….and I was never satisfied..I began my drinking. It wasnt long before I was a 2 pint a day drinker…always worried about the money in the checkbook.I would always get the”Dont gas up the car…we dont have any money” and it began to eat at me. I started to resent her. Even if it was an honest gesture…the tone was all wrong.and i drankl it away.I was working 3 jobs,and it didnt matter…the stress was bad,the sex was gone,and I was as depressed as i can remember. I started looking for male companionship…a married guy who would be discreet.I didnt want a woman ….i was afraid of her falling for me….but a guy would just meet my needs. It was wonderful…and ironiclly,I quit drinking and smoking and became a better father and a better person..except for the husband part.I think I checked out of the marriage years before…..when the sex was cut off…and I felt like a checkbook. That all changed these last few weeks as my wife found evidence of me with another man..bad evidence.I fully confessed to her,and later to my children that I am gay….and I have to leave the house. The stress does not bother me..I think because it bothered me so much years ago…that i got through this part of our marriage falling apart years ago. I feel terrible for my wife now….but she is back to being spiteful…saying i hurt the kids and what not.Had i not found some kind of happiness…i would be dead.
Time heals all wounds and i must move on.
Be strong everyone …and think about your choices,and what you will do when you have to answer them
My best
Ron
Ron
what a good post.
I mean “good” in that you are at the very least honest with yourself, and now with your wife and children.
It is never an easy thing being honest, either at the time you realise you are in a sexless marriage or when you decided to leave / cheat / other and it goes “public” with the other half.
The biggest fear is that day when you know you have to leave, made worse when children are involved, I can only guess.
I live in a marriage dictated by my wifes career. The further up the ladder she goes (she is right at the top) the more extremes the bi-polar relationship with me seems to be.
For example, in school term time she tends to have no sex drive, even though everything is done for her .. I do not expect her to be housebound but I do expect her to be more of a wife towards me. I cook every day, I clean every day, I fix, I I I I … and sex is only something that is on offer when she feels she wishes to let me in (note I don’t try to initiate these days, as it’s just not worth it) .. that can be three times in a week if we are on holiday (maybe) and once every six weeks when the house is in the merry go round of school/work.
Yes I feel ignored, unloved, and unappreciated, but sadly at this point in time I’m the only one that is aware of this.
My life is is admired by many but if they only knew how I truly felt. I’m actually thinking of writing a private blog soon, so that I can get my feelings day to day out of my mind. It may help it may not.
🙂
As I have said before I am actually quite chilled about it all now and have come to the conclusion that my life is as it is ….
Mosses
Hi All,
I stumbled across this page on my search on this topic and reading some stories here has really scared me a little. My wife and I are of the same age (early 30s) and have been married for more than a decade. We met at university, we fell in love over some coursework and got married straight after graduating. Sex in our marriage was there somewhat the first year, but started fading within the first couple of years without us really noticing it at first. We had some family and financial pressure at the beginning and then career stress, so we were absorbed in dealing with them. We are both very driven and have done very well in our careers. We are a great team and deeply understand each other and rarely fight. We are best of friends, well respected by our family and friends, and we both like helping people and will go the extra mile for them. People find us inspirational and often aspire to have “what we have”! This all now feels like a negative pressure for me. My wife is the sweetest, most adorable and kind person in the world and I am not sure what I would do without her.. I love her! But not sure I am in love with or neither is she.
I have always been the one that initiated anything intimate between us. I am the one that kisses and hugs, and she always said she was not like that and this was due to how she was brought up. Her family never hugs or shows any physical love. I didn’t think much of it then and hoped she would change in the future. We hardly had sex and it went from couple of times a week, then month to now a handful of times a year, but that even after some persuasion from me. There was always some issue- My wife went through a period of depression and stress, so I did not bother her with sex and just stood by her till she got better and this took some time. I never questioned “us”, I thought this is what marriage is all about and we will get through this.
In the last couple of years, now that our lives have settled a bit, I slowly come to the realization that we were actually missing something, despite all the issue that I have mentioned above. Something that we never really had. I was not sure if we were still in love or we were just living like best friends. I became depressed thinking about it over many months and finally told her everything in the summer last year. She first thought I was just over thinking things and everything was fine, but after months of talking she also realized that there was something wrong. At first she said that she can’t change, as that is how she is built but will try make an effort. She made some effort following this and I turned her down as it seemed forced and I felt bad. I can’t force someone to want me. We talked about ending things, but I know this will kill her, and I always said we need to work on our marriage. She makes a little effort but then everything goes back to the same. She is extremely busy with work and other things and has little time to actually give this any thought. We talked about outsourcing my needs, but I know this will kill her too and she doesn’t really mean it when she says it. We don’t have any children, but getting a divorce seems just so crazy. There is too much family and peer pressure on us and finances all tangled up. Most of all we do care and love each other immensely.
My confidence has had a little knocking through the years of constant rejection and I felt that maybe my wife doesn’t find me attractive anymore (which she denies). We had both let ourselves go a little but since last summer I took initiative to get fit and I am now slim and have my confidence back. My wife has made some effort to lose weight but she give up very easily. I get constant attention from women at work, and whenever I am out with my friends. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with this type of attention. I am married. My single friends joke about how they how they would all suffer if I ever came into the market. My wife notices these things and I hoped maybe if she saw that I am desired, it would have some effect on her. It hasn’t. She likes it and likes how look, but nothing past this.
What scares me now is the fact I have been in this marriage for over a decade and don’t want to or find it hard to think about leaving. I do love my wife very much, but maybe not in love with her anymore. If anything happened between us, it would be massive shock to our family and friends, and also don’t know how I would operate without my best friend in this world. I crave that closeness, the intimacy and connection, but not sure if we can create it now, something we probably never had. I also don’t want to be in a position that I spend another decade like this and end up separating anyway at the end.
I think about cheating sometimes, but I know this will deeply hurt my wife, and I can’t do this to her. She has been very good to me, but I am running out of options. I am still young, attractive and a popular guy and don’t want to be separating in 10 years’ time. I think, if we separate now it might be hard at first, but might be good for both of us in the long run. Then I think, what if the grass is NOT greener on the other side and I am never able to find someone again. Our marriage, is prefect in every other sense, we just don’t have that bit of connection and intimacy, and not sure what I can do. It’s pretty clear things will not change, my wife is the way she is. Whether I should stay and find other means of satisfying my desires or should I leave my best friend!
Best
San
I have been married 7 years. I’m 26 years old and I know I’m not ugly. Yet, my husband barely touches me. The last time we attempted sex was 6 months ago and he couldn’t get an erection. Before that, another 6 months. I have explained my frustration about feeling feeling alone and a general lack of physical and emotional intimacy. In return all I get is anger and blame. I can’t believe this is my life. I never thought I’d be here. Begging my spouse for sex only to get turned down. I get hit on quite often, and I’m really considering cheating. After getting turned down again tonight I brought up wanting an open marriage. The only response I got was the time of night I wanted sex was inconvenient. I’m literally dying inside for any intmacy at all. I want it from my husband, but he refuses. We make a great team and work well together which is probably why other aspects of our marriage are great. I just don’t know if I can continue in a sexless marriage. I don’t think the good we have out weighs my need for intmacy.
Hi Sarah, I hear you.
Your “refuser” needs to establish what it is that stops him from wanting to have sex with you. It is normal as time develops to lose libido and indeed to settle into a routine. Communication is everything and indeed some form of effort on the part of the refuser is required to ensure progress is made.
You were married at 19, this is quite young in the modern day and indeed had you been single still and only dating, I wonder if you would have considered moving on to another relationship? To be fair that is irrelevant, you are where you are, therefore you need to somebody bring him round to the idea of seeking counselling ..
Please visit the iliasm website, it is an incredible place of people in exactly the same position as yourself.
Mosses
For all the people in a sexless marriage, you need to have ‘the talk’ with your partner. Sex is an important part of a relationship particularly if you are someone who wants the sex in the relationship. Sex is a form of loving communication! It’s a physical communication between 2 loving participants. Reducing it right down or worse, removing it is no better no worse then removing verbal communication. How would they feel if they came home one day and no matter what they did, no matter what they said, no matter how hard they tried, you refused to talk to them? They would feel shit! They would feel lonely, they would feel undesirable, they would feel unimportant. The list is endless and the list is identical to the feelings we’ve all experienced as the sexually refused. So have your talk and if there is a refusal to budge, make improvements and or compromise then you need to decide if this is a deal breaker. It is not acceptable to ditch sex in a marriage. Cheating isn’t the only way of being unfaithful in a marriage. Reducing or removing sex is every bit as bad as shagging anyone that takes your fancy behind your partners back. Have the talk! Prepare yourself for the excuses that you will no doubt be given. Prepare yourself for the bullshit. Low libido is no excuse as everyone can experience sexual desire if they are just willing to try. Research spontaneous desire and responsive desire and prepare for your talk. Sex is important, don’t let anyone ever bull shit you otherwise. And if all goes badly when the talk happens and they do not consent to any improvements, go and find some who will consent.
Im 30y/0 and my husband is 41, weve been married for 7yrs but we’ve been in long distance for 5years so it was like we only been together 2yrs being together as a couple,… i hate my life so much, my husband is my First bf and everything, and im pretty sure that my husband doesnt love me anymore, i cant remember the last time we had sex together, im sexually active and when i told my husband that im horny he just ignored me and said oh yeah but he never do anything i tried to kiss him and romance him but he just pushed me away many times, and onething that broke my heart and. Started hating my life when I found out that he masturbate everyday, but why im here need him so bad but he rather want to masturbate more, i caught him onetime that his watching teen porn, and signed up for hooking up,, i’m still attractive woman and helping him to pay bills i dont have vices , when im off im just staying at home cleaning and taking good care our daughter but he hates so much when im at home coz he told twice that he doesnt want me to be around, I asked him too many times to go out and have a family time but he said NO much better if i play pool .. when i cooked food he refused to eat it and when I bought him stuffs he didn’t accept coz its not his type but then onetime when we went to a party he ates the foods that I cooked that refused to eat it, i dont know what I did to suffered this kind of treatment.. many people told ne that its about time to divorced him but i was thinking about our daughter, i just hate my life and im lonely and depressed… i know its not right to cheat but i cheated on him already , i have needs I always asking him for sex but he just keep on rejecting me.. and it also came from him that were only staying together for our daughter
Please visit http://www.iliasm.org you are not alone.
Mosses
X
I have just come across this website and feeling sad about how hopeless long term relationships seem to be.
I’ve been with my partner for nearly 24 years and we started living together about 16 years ago. I have a wonderful daughter from a previous marriage and an amazing grand daughter. By rights I ought to be happy but am not.
I am relatively financially secure in my own right and my partner and I have several interests in common. I got together with him initially as I knew he was safe and secure and was in for the long term. I liked him a lot but wasn’t infatuated or deeply in love with him so it was a pragmatic choice on my part and I have become dependent on him in many ways for companionship and the one to one relationship.
However we have lost any form of intimacy both emotional and physical over the last five years and are both feeling frustrated and depressed but too scared to discuss it as neither of us want to face the consequences of another failed relationship and so there seems no answer to our issues at this point. I am on anti anxiety medication in order to cope with our inability to communicate and connect on any meaningful level and although we have done some couples counselling and myself individual counselling nothing seems to resolve the issue at heart which is loss of attraction. He is a decent guy and clearly loves me so I have a lot of guilt that I just dont want the intimacy with him anymore. I am thinking about putting out for an affair but I’ve always remained a loyal person and this would probably only be a quick one time fix. The idea of having to start over is very unappealing – I’m very stuck and have been for some years and feel we are both missing out on a very important part of life which makes me feel sad and resentful and no doubt the same for him. There is a part of me that knows I’m not finished in life and could move on but so much at stake and so much investment on both our parts over the past years. I’m getting to the point that I’m not sure whether working on this relationship is worthwhile anymore.
Glori
I feel you. Starting over is one of my biggest fears. It’s so hard dedicating so much to a person and not feeling like you’re getting a return on your investment. Life is a crazy thing. Hang in there and good luck in whatever you choose to do.
My wife refused to do anything different to missionary in the dark… so no other positions, no oral (either way) and definitely no lights on. It turned me off and we’ve had sex maybe a handful of times in the 8 years we’ve been married. I just lost interest because how much fun is missionary in the dark when it’s the only thing you can do? We have no kids but because I literally have no interest, we are never going to have kids. She craves sex but of course, on her terms. So now we’re at a point where it’s either splitsville or stay together and hate each other forever. All I asked of her was to try and be more open minded, heck I even forgave her for the many times she simply wasn’t in the mood and now it’s essentially a dry spell that won’t be broken and we’re room mates. Barely friends, no benefits. What a waste.
Wow reading this make me even more depressed about my life.
In short. Married 25 years. Sex was great for about 8 years. Then progressively got less and less. Sex nowadays is just me making her cum while masturbating – sometimes she will hold my balls but once she is finished So is the sex. She won’t talk about it. I am lonely and still sexually attracted to my wife. I give her everything including a good life, nice house drives a expensive car, goes on overseas holidays. She is my best friend. But can’t understand her lack of intimacy – when I try get close she tells me my penis is too big and hurts her. When i stoke her gently she says I am rough and hurting her. So I generally just masturbate – I gives me relief but I long for the contact the warmth of her skin on me.
I have never cheated and would never but can’t say that I don’t fantasize about women I work with or know – but I would never act on it. I have only been with 2 other girls before I got married so I have been sexually attracted to my wife and long for her for the past 25 plus years – but she does not share the same sexual feelings
When we out together we get on well as long as we don’t talk about sex.
We’ve been married for for years and it’s going on eight months since we last had sex. I am madly in love with my wife but she could care less about sex: ANY kind of sex. I’ve talked and talked and talked to her about my feelings and she just clams up. She never says why she’s not interested in sex Any more. I feel lonely, unattractive, emasculated and worthless. I take pride in being able to please my partner sexually but I’ve never been able to make her orgasm and according to her no one has. This kills me because I’ve never not been able to study a woman and enjoy the process of not having sex but of truly making love. I’m 44 and not getting any younger. I’m starved for affection; to be touched and caressed and to do the same. Like I said despite her starving me of affection I’m madly in love with my wife. There are three women at work who have been more than clear that they have an interest in me and I’m so tempted at times just to remember what it’s like to feel wanted again. I won’t pursue any of them but I’m angry that I’m in the position where I would even consider it. I’m a good man and a good husband. I don’t deserve to feel this way. I’m wondering if I should just end it.
I don’t know what to do anymore…
I’m filled with so much anger and sadness I feel like I’m always on the verge of depression over this issue and I’m so done with this.
I was a confident happy and outgoing person 6 months into our relationship it seems like the sex just stopped. We have had fights, doctor’s appointments (to test hormone levels) and counselling. I even tried talking myself out out needing sex… because I love him and I know it would hurt him if I cheat.
6 years, we have sex maybe 3 times a year… it’s been like that since as long as I can remember. For some reason he has no desire to fix it in spite of my continuous efforts.
Most of those times when we do have sex it’s because he’s aroused by external factors that’s usually not me (some times it’s porn or encounters with another woman). I’m deeply disgusted and ashamed because I needed the physical connection I don’t say no to even though I should.
I just want to feel desired and seen again…
I don’t understand we are both young and attractive people why is sex so difficult? I’ve never had this issue with anyone else I don’t know what to do. I think about cheating all the time but he’s the love of my life who completely misled me to fall in love and trapped me in this sexless and sterile relationship.
I got married at 18, to my 19 yr old boyfried. We wereso damn young and immature, I gad several relationshiis in high school, -2 with sex. My boyfriend had never even kussed a girl & was a virgin. I fell in li e with himve ause ge was wuiet & not like other guys tgat just tried to get in my pants- SHOUKD HAVE BEEN MY RED FLAG. The thing is, we gad lots of sex while dating, but I ended up oregnant & we chise to narry. I really did love him & told him he did not gave to narry me, and i did nit want him to marry me unless he wanted to. Fast forward 2 years, and I am pregnant with our 2nd child. After he was born, his desire, him asking, him making any moves or getting horny stopped…unless I was ASLEEP! I would waje up with him fucking me. I told him I would appreciate veing awake so I could participate ta know. Then he just totally stopped. That was 17 years ago, and for the last 17 years I have been the persuer, the one begging, crying and pleading. Asking why? Are you gay? Am i too ugly? Why dont yoh love me? The times he would agree to sex, he lasted less than a minute. I HAVE NEVER had an internal orgasm because ge is not ever been hard long enough or had enough self control to not ejaculate. Selfish. Its been so painful. 5 years ago, our daughter died & it all got worse. I got so depressed and have felt so worthless. Whenever I would cry & ask him why he ignores me, no kusses, no touch, no caress, barely a hello or goodbye…he yells at me and blames me & says I nag him to much about it & that repulses him. I velieved him for years, I believed that it was all my fault. But then one day, I stopped. I stopped asking, begging, pleading, i stopped pursuing & waited to see if maybe that would help. Radio silence. That wasAe have gad sex 3 times in the last two years, last was 6 months ago. I am really yearning for connection but there are just thick walls, and have been for 17 years. We are basically roommates. It us lonely. He knows he has physical issues & a year ago I asked if ge lived me & he said yes, and i said, then go to the dr & get checked. He said he would but never did. I would be less lonely if I were living alone. I have had many men flirt with me, come on to me, guys half my age, to men my age & above. It feelsso goodto be paid attention to. I am in my sexual prime & its not just about sex, its about connection, but I love sex! I love the feeling of excuse my vernacular “fucking” and making live, and I have staryed to fantasize, its ridiculous & I feel so ashamed, but I fantasize about everyone from the kids in my classes (i went back to college to get out of the house & fill my self-love tank & better myself), to my college professors, the gas station attendant…..i mean its ridiculous. I cry a lot. We have been in therapy for 5 years now!!!! Nothing has helped & all of the therapists have said itshis issue & he is very detached & passive. I amnot & will notbe the persuer anymore. I have honestly wanted to get a divorce for a while, but he is the mainbread winner & I am full time in school now. I have thought about cheating, but I am christian & I take and took my vows seriously….I also try to tell myself- hey! He is payingyour schoolbills, you have a warm home, food, stop compkaining…but there us no relationshipanymore, its not just sex, there us no talking, no caressing, no touch at all…. nothing. Its dead. But i wasraised to never leave unless he cheats. Well he has abandoned me & i wish he was cheating so i could just move one & have a chance at being happy. I am 38!
Sorry for the spelling errors!!!!
please visit http://www.iliasm.org .. you will find help there. Cut and paste your story above, without spelling mistakes 🙂 … you will find a lot of support.
Mosses
Consider this story (true story): For neither of us is it a first marriage. Met – fell in love (she, allegedly), married at age 47. Initial life together was bliss – I was never more happy, having given my heart and soul to her.
At the 10 year point, she pulled back – shut herself off physically and emotionally. After years of attempting to pursue cause to the effect, she rejected all forms of improvement – including counseling.
Roll forward 10 years (come May of 2017), we’ll have been married 20 years. We have not made love for 10 years. Her decision, not mine. My continued overtures have fallen on deaf ears. It is only within the past month that I was finally able to convince her how critical it is for her to be open and honest.
The “open, honest” approach was not embraced, but she has finally become open to the concept. What I’ve discovered is her unwillingness/inability to bury her daughter – whom she lost when her daughter was 14 years old. As such, she has confessed that her ability to love was lost when her daughter died. This, she declared, is why she indicated – years ago – she doesn’t believe she ever really loved me. She simply saw me as an oasis from the desert of being a single mother for 13 years.
We live in the same house. We share our financial/tangible resources. She’s stated that her desires/needs are 1) peace, 2) touching, 3) kisses, and 4) being able to coexist in our daily life together. This is the sum of her list.
She wants us to continue to sleep in the same bed, naked, so she can feel the closeness. I have consented, to date, to give this to her. There is no discussion about my wants – needs – desires; only hers.
At age 67, I face a remaining life such as I’ve presented here. I no longer discuss “us” in any conversation. There is no “us,” in the way I believe a husband and wife should live. I could leave, but it would be a financial hardship. I could leave, but she – in all other respects – a really good person. She’s generous, hard-working, has a huge heart for anyone in need (just not me). We’re compatible as to social activities.
I consider us roommates – companions. I give; she takes. I enjoy her company through turning off the “me” part of the connection. I use the term “connection” because I don’t consider us to be in a relationship. It assuredly is NOT a marriage.
I stay because, on May 24, 1997, I took her for better and for worse; for richer and for poorer; in sickness and in health; until death us do part.
She killed any love she may have felt for me. She’s used minor character flaws in me as excuses to withdraw. Though I’ve heard her – and modified my behavior, to eliminate the excused – there’s been no willingness on her part to shift her thought pattern and attitude.
At my age, and through my experience in the past 10 years, I am worn out – emotionally fatigued – and have simply surrendered. My life will be loveless, sexless. I am remanded to a life full of holes that my heal, but never close. As the line from an animated movie states “It’s my Lot in Life. It’s not a Lot, but It’s a Life!”
Surely you have to leave to be happy? She is a refuser … blaming a child’s loss for lack of sex is just an easy excuse. No loss is good, however, it is an easy excuse.
Have you visited http://www.iliasm.org?
Thanks for your post, I’m only 55, but now I realize I must leave. Its not going to get better and a sexless marriage will probably kill you faster than cigarettes, booze or bacon!!
And this thread just keeps on growing. Lots of refusers out there who are selfish
I’m selfish and I personally don’t care, married 50 years and I wouldn’t change my life. When I needed relief I just masturbated, and I didn’t care if she saw me or not.
Reading all these posts at least gives an understanding of how common my situation is.
I have been married a quarter of a century. Sex had never been good and I left after 10 years as we just didn’t get on. That should have been the end. I met a girl, we had fantastic sex but guilt and children took me back. So we started again, but every argument brought up the past and it has never ever moved on. So we aren’t physically or emotionally close now, but still have two daughters who are now pretty grown up. And no sex for as long as I can remember, certainly not in the last year or two..
I’ve now had another temptation. A lady who has shown a lot of interest in me we met through work three years ago and ended up keeping in touch, recently talking and messaging. Now we’ve had a day together and it reminded me what life can be like. IT was fantastic. That’s how a man and woman should feel like. I know we are going to meet again and ultimately I think we will spend the night together. But should I? I am so attracted to her and really really like her, we have common interests that I don’t with my wife. What to do??? Guilt is starting again. Cheating is not as easy as it would appear to be….
Divorce and a new life??? OR is it just a grass is greener thing? I don’ think so and I would so love to have a physical relationship again!
Life is not easy..
The “understood” contract between spouses is to fulfill each other sexually and exclusively.
After a prolonged period (subjective) of failure to fulfill contractual obligations, one must pardon the partner, who must have previously notified the other as to the serious breach of contract they have suffered, who is forced to add a “variation” to the contract, in order for the greater project to proceed, taking into account financial and parental obligations.
As the sexless aspect was a unilateral decision, and so in breach of contract law, the countering unilateral decision to recoup lost sexual life must be understood and accepted as natural.
It is not a case of two wrongs make a right…
It is the case of a partner forced to take a responsive and restorative unilateral decision of their own to patch the potential greater damage caused to the wider project (finance and children) due to the negligent behavior of the partner originally refusing to honour the initial contract.
Monogamy is offered to those who fulfill our sexual needs, and such promise allows trust in other areas to develop, the finance of a home, the rearing of children, long term “investment” that requires long term commitment. One seeks to protect the partnership from “attractive offers” made by external agents, and one gives commitment to shun any such offers.
When monogamy becomes forced celibacy, the basic condition of fulfillment of needs is violated and so the contract becomes null and void.
That’s just how it is, it leans to our natural sense of justice and fairness.
Time is the only capital that is finite, and so should be the most precious. Refusers, utilizing the honourable intentions of their abused partners, who’s good character entraps them in bi-lateral obligations such as financial security for the family and raising of children, willfully waste years and decades of a very short sexual prime.
In France a woman has already successfully sued her ex-husband for his dereliction of sexual duties and won quite a substantial amount. More jurisdictions should follow suit.
If a moral compass is lacking, perhaps the threat of damages may prove to sway the narcissist’s lethargic mood?
I’m 44. Married for 15 years. Sex is like twice a year and it sucks, it’s frustrating confusing and depressing. Hubby is just not interested. At daytime he can be romantic and touchy but at night he will just turn his back and sleep. I used to initiate years ago but always get refused so I stopped initiating. I lie in bed and stare at the ceiling and cry. He used to watch porn and booked prostitutes. When I found this out in 2013 it was devastating. We had counselling and I realised it was the porn that made him asexual with me. The Relate counsellor wasn’t very good and not experienced so I gave up on Relate it did help to voice out my feelings because i could never mention this problem about the porn and my asexual marriage to a friend. I thought things would improve because he said he stopped porn but no it hasn’t. At the beginning of relationship I could tell I had more sex drive than him but over the years to compromise I tried to suppress my sexual needs I even thought is there a medication to suppress my needs because it is depressing if your husband is not all all interested. It is cruel life and a form of abuse to be devoid of sex by your husband. This is really affecting me now and I’m getting depressed unloved unattractive and no zest for life. I’m hoping to have the strength to divorce him. We have 2 teenage kids in secondary school. I don’t want to wake up 15 years from now and be in the same situation. I’d rather be single than be married and lonely. But leaving does not seem easy financially. But God help me to have the strength to leave and have a new life. Having an affair is not an option for me, I won’t be able to stomach it and I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in an unhappy marriage. Life is too short. 😔
Snap, except, I’m male and have wealth.
Tonight we went to bed early, my wife rolled over and showed me her back. Last weekend the complete opposite because she was horny. By horny, I mean my pleasant request for sex is accepted. She never initiates … NEVER, never has.
I’m in the most confusing relationship ever.
i like to think I’m a good husband. I provide. I work hard around the house and with the kids etc.
The other day my wife’s friend told Us that everybody needs a “my name”. How lucky is “my wife’s name”. Etc etc. My wife just laughed and said “and look how lucky he is to have me”. I replied with … “yet we do not have sex”…. no comment. I did it infront of her friend….. nothing from either of them (I know her friends husband has even less sex than me, he’s told me).
I’m a laid back guy … but I’m becoming very irrational in my thinking. I can’t see a way out.
NK,
weird reply. This isn’t a bookworms repository or an AAT exam.
Most people here have a problem, lack of fulfillment, empathy, just plain openness is all that desire. We all need that.
Marie I understand the financial bit. We get tied together and then leaving is halving our life, lifestyle etc. Not easy. But happiness is more than monetary. Even though in the short term this seems like the tie that the marriage vows actually were ordained to be.
Very difficult.
I wish all on here the best and say, decide what you really want and then go for it. But don’t let life pass you by. Time has a habit of passing rather covertly.
A
I am in a sexless marriage. The anger starts usually just a week after I get it. Then I settle into the depressive lull. It’s hard to get excited about sex when your partner prefers porn. It’s hard to feel in love when the only way you get touched is to scream or threaten to take a lover. You feel horrible when you think about it, but you’re in your early thirties and a woman. Just getting to your sexual peak. There’s no sex coming from the person you wanted it to come from, now where do you get it without being a terrible person? You feel like this person is sucking your life away, no kids and with no sex never going to have any, but you weren’t exactly a dating success story anyways. Is this all that’s left? Do you finally just give into the fire inside and cheat? You have asked for divorce but unless you want to be a shit head they aren’t ready. What’s left?
I’ve recently separated from my husband because I just couldn’t take anymore it after near 7 years of marriage and 11years together. im 31 he’s 38 we don’t have kids ive felt that every step along the way I’ve had to beg for physical and sexual affection. over the years being pushed to one side over and over again because he’d rather watch porn is so completely soul destroying the only time he would come near me is when id get to the stage where id end up breaking down in floods of tears. after being in this kind of relationship for all this years you start to question everything about yourself you think you must be too fat or too ugly for a few years I thought what was the point in leaving him if my own husband doesn’t want who else is going to want me I must of had the conversation about how our situation was affecting me over 1000 times when he did bother to come near me like once every 5-8 months he’d say it wasn’t enjoyable for him because I was very awkward but he never understood the reason I was uncomfortable how are you supposed to feel good about yourself when you know your husband would rather look at other women online
Nobody could blame you for having an affair. Wouldn’t tell anyone but no need to feel guilty.
Hi Marie,
I can totally relate to what you are going through, but with slight exceptions as in my husband says he doesn’t think of sex at all no porn nothing…sometimes its just get difficult to digest…we have a kid together 5 months now…don’t be fooled by that we just had sex to have a baby it was nothing like passion which I as a fool thought is how we make a baby it was solely for the purpose to have a child…technically we didn’t have the sex in conventional way either it was that home insemination thing…I was broken when he suggested that…as not even in my dreams I thought that’s what we will do to get pregnant…he said he has some issues to complete the act so that was his solution for the issue…but on the contrary now when I ask him or try to initiate he is like we cannot risk having another kid so soon…he is always ready with an excuse to not have sex…first few month of our marriage was amazing we where always trying to find reason get intimate but after that everything suddenly changed he changed…one whole year was like a dry spell for me…I try to initiate and him brutally rejecting my advances…it has now come to the point he feel embraced to even undress in front of me…like i am an outsider…he is a great person otherwise a great dad and also take care of me when I am sick…but is that enough in a relation…should I be happy because other that sex my life seems perfect…everyday I am living in this dilemma…divorce is not an option for me as I don’t want my child to be fatherless he dot’s on our daughter…so i am killing my desire everyday for the sake of my child…i even sometime consider having some kind of pill to kill my desires once and for all…
At daytime, he seem normal husband but at night he just ignores me. I can’t seem to reconcile the two. It’s so cruel to deny your spouse intimacy, a form of control I believe. It is what you signed up for when you got married intimacy with your spouse.He used to do this to me a lot like he seem romantic and then he says ‘tonight.’ So I get ready and get excited thinking we’ll have sex at last after a long time and then we go to bed and he pushes me away and he shouts ‘go to sleep’. I feel crushed and humiliated. I get confused and feel sorry for myself I was only in my 30’s and my sexlife is dead. I suffered quietly. 15 years forward and I’m still in the same situation. I’m now in my 40’s. Ten years from now, Will I still be in the same situation . I said he needs to sort himself out. Now still living in the same house but I don’t speak to him. I’m depressed but I will try hard to find joy in my kids, friends and will try to do exercises, Zumba running etc He has no friends or social life. Perhaps he is still in porn with his new smartphone. I don’t seem to care anymore but I will try to look after myself. To you younger ones, I pray that time does not pass you by. That you have the strength and wisdom in doing the right thing for yourself. Or have the strength to confront the problem and don’t wait years before you speak up or realise it is a problem. You have the right to be happy.
Marie,
you are right re time. It can so easily pass you by.
I have been on iliasm for a while and have as yet not commented. I think I will, however, I’m pretty certain I have learnt a lot from the site to know where I stand.
If I’m honest I think I need to move on.
Hey, just saw ILIASM forum. Wow! They give really great straightforward advice for people like us living in sexless marriage 😲
I want to share my story. My husband will only want sex about every 6 months. We just had our 10th anniversary. We started dating about 15 years ago when I was a single mother. He helped me a lot before we were married with encouragement during a job loss and babysitting when I attended evening classes 1x per week and had to work late 1-2 times per week. We didn’t live together prior to being married, but did enjoy a very active sexual relationship. My husband has never dealt well with change. He had always been highstrung. After 4 years of dating I was ready for marriage and he didn’t seem to be and I wanted a home of my own rather than renting. I purchased a home on my own about 30 minutes away where I could afford. We split up after I moved because I was ready for more and he said he wasn’t. He still continued to call and told me over the phone he was ready to marry. That was the proposal I got. I regret now accepting it with little effort on his part. I had been off birth control since we had split. We married and a couple weeks later I was pregnant with our son. He knew prior to me being pregnant I was not on birth control and he really shut down with me while I was pregnant. My pregnancy was very depressing. When our son was born he showered him with love and still continues and is glad he is here. My husband was a 40 year old first time father that had never been married before. He had a terrible upbringing and it really affected him as a person and with relationships. The condo my husband owned wouldn’t sell, so we rented it out. Things were very stressful for us. My husband is an avoider. He didn’t want sex much while I was pregnant and still didn’t after our son was born. The condo we rented out developed water damage from a shared pipe. It was not discovered for a couple of weeks due to the tenant being out of town and it was covered in mold. Insurance only covered water damage and the unit had to be gutted. My husband didn’t go after the condo association for the mold damage from a leak on an upper floor (avoidance), so he worked on the repair himself. He was gone several nights per week working on it and the commute one way was 45-60 minutes for him to work. Things started getting more and more stressful and he kept bringing up splitting up. It finally resulted in that after our son was about 5. The condo still wasn’t finished, but he lived around it. I felt so much more relaxed during that time even though I still loved him and he still called at times. My oldest was in college, my other daughter lived with me most of the time with our son a little over half the time. I enjoyed some time to myself at times. Life took a turn for my family when my father sexually abused my 12 year old daughter. I pressed charges and became isolated from my parents and siblings. My husband was there when I needed him. I had moved my family afterwards into an apartment much closer to work to help make life less stressful. My husband and I did wound up getting back together. Sex increased some, but it has now been 2 years since and it’s today going on very little sex and when we do he can’t maintain an erection. When this happens I tell him it’s ok and try not to stress him out realizing that will make it that much more difficult for him. Again he avoids any issues. He turns 50 next mobth and will not get the examinations he should get. He has always avoided issues we have ever had together making me feel like he just doesn’t care about our relationship. I have had tears in my eyes and he ignores that. Anniversarys and Valentines have been forgotten. This year he did put in a little more effort and I got a card for Valentines Day and we went out for dinner. Our 10th Anniversary we went out for dinner. We have been able to go on more dates, about every 2-3 months as well with the help of my teenager watching our son. Remember, we get no help from our family due to our family situations. We still continue though to have minimal sex and unsuccessful when it happens. I desire so much more. We still live in our apartment rather than owning another home. My husband is still working on that condo about 3 times per week. It’s been going on for about 6-7 years. I’m ready for more. I have been through so much in life and want some contentment in my life. More background about myself is I was sexually abused by my brother as a child. I married at 18, had my oldest at 19, divorced at 21 due to my ex chosing drugs and another woman with drugs over me. I put myself through college, had my middle child due to a whirlwind relationship. I don’t want to stay stagnant because I have overcome so much. I used to be poor, but do ok now. I don’t want to struggle again, which I will again if we seperate. My husband is holding me back from so much now. It has made me unhappy and I have put on weight too. I don’t know if that’s the real issue, but if I really thought in my gut it was I would motivate myself to get fit again.
Go take a look at http://www.iliasm.org and cut paste the above there
I’m just a regular guy, not a specialist in the field or anything but well in my 50s so I’ve seen a few things, generally straight men get married for sex (we imagine that once we get married we will get sex EVERY night) , and closeted gay men get married for social acceptance. Plenty of Gay men father children. While there surely must be asexual people I think its pretty rare. Working on a Condo around 3 times a week for 6 or 7 years? Really? The whole complex was likely built in less than 6 months, that plus all the lost income would make a high strung person even more high strung. IMO He is up to something else.
I had a boyfriend that said he fell in love with me no matter how I looked. I was 30 lbs over weight then. We lasted three years and I was so happy I was in love and thought it was the perfect person for me. He then said three years later I was fat and needed to lose weight for him if I loved him. He left me. I did lose the weight hoping he would come back to me but He never did, i tried everything possible to get him back but all was up to no avail but luckily for me a friend of mine introduced me to Dr.mac@yahoo. com, i contacted him about my issue and what i want, i don’t know how he did but my Boyfriend was on his kneel begging me to accept him back, i forgave him and took him back, this is unbelievable
State: San Bernardino
Country: United States……………
Why would you want him back, just get another Boy friend.
I have a hard time believing any of the women who complain about their men not having sex with them. Men will screw anything, even their hand. Most Of the men I know think about sex every day, several times a day and I’m in my mid 50s. I’m in a sexless marriage and its killing me, despite a lifetime of low blood pressure I now suffer from high blood pressure (not required to be treated yet) weight gain, depression and above all loneliness. The fact that she gained 50 pounds doesn’t bother me as I’ve done the same. The fact that when we did have sex she always had to let me know what a chore it was and then made up a series of rules excluding sex was the killer. She even told me that sex to her was simply something else she had to do, like doing the laundry (which she hasn’t done on a regular basis in years, or cook, or clean, I do all that as well). Her rules were no sex on any day she had to work-my punishment for not being a good enough provider, no sex on her first or last full day off either, do the math. So I stopped bothering her, instead tried doing more outside the bedroom to please her since she made it clear that inside the bedroom there was nothing I could do to please her. She would make all these excuses as to why she felt I was an inferior lover, and no matter what I tried there would always be another complaint. So after 20 plus years of begging I finally just stopped, after two years of ZERO sex she finally noticed and asked what was wrong, was their anything physically wrong with me, I told her no and that whenever she wanted I was ready willing and able. She asked me if I was cheating, I truthfully told her NO. Outside the bedroom she is a sweet and loving woman to anyone she meets, she gives me back rubs, foot rubs but doesn’t want me to touch her-ever. She has the time and energy to go out with friends for girls nights, even a cruise every now and then but no time for sex. Over the years the excuses have changed, in the beginning, when it was best, I just felt that it was because we were not married, but on our Wedding night she didn’t want sex because she felt that the people who owned the Manorhouse may hear us(who cares?) , then sex was OK until we had kids, then when the kids got older it was because she was studying to become a Nurse. Then it was because I was such a loser that she had to work two jobs, (she didn’t actually say loser but didn’t need to). I never told her to work two jobs even though I always have. In over 20 years of marriage we have not once gone away as just a couple, that would remove all the excuses why to not have sex, but she has gone on at least three cruises with girlfriends. The only thing we together is eat. She uses her Vacation time to visit her elderly parents (or go on Cruises with her friends). I don’t want to hurt her or breakup our family but I think the loneliness and frustration are starting to literally kill me. Apparently I’m not alone, I hear from a lot of guys my age, mid 50s about how the wives just don’t want sex and expect us to just do without. I’ve never heard anyone complain that their wives wont leave them alone in the bedroom. When I was younger and I would see older men leave their attractive same age wives, sometimes after having a heart attack or some other health disaster, for younger women I would think that they were being silly, but now I know why men leave, they leave because they are not getting what they need from their wives. They know that the loneliness and frustration of living in a sexless marriage was killing them. I’m not sure how much longer I will stay, my youngest is in college, but as I said physically I’m starting to fall apart. Cheating is not an option because the stress of lying would be just as bad, if she changed and thawed out a little in the bedroom I’d stay, I do love her and always had hoped that nour bedroom problems would work out and not just gotten worse, so , if I make it, when the youngest graduates, I’m gone. Of course to all the women in our Social/Family circle I’ll be the POS who dumped his wife but I tried. Wives who say they aren’t getting sex from their husbands simply aren’t asking for it or they said NO too many times their husband gave up or if they are making it clear they want sex now they overplayed their hand their Husband is getting it somewhere else. My wife on occasion claims she wants sex but only when there is no chance of it actually happening, when the opportunity is their, the moment for her has always passed. For those wives who claim their Husband doesn’t want sex I have to ask, did you ever actually try?
Vickie;
In your article you say “despite the stereotype there are more wives complaining than husbands”, but wouldn’t you agree that more men are likely to not complain about it than women? Also more women than men would be inclined to come across your column. I think that 99% of the time men leave their wives for younger women its because their wives lost interest as her body changed.
I am a Man.
Ladies,
It has nothing to do with how you look. I was married to a woman for 29-years. I did everything I was taught I should. I made the money. I paid the bills. I did the PTA and the soccer coaching and the school meetings. I changed diapers. I rubbed her feet every night. I was attentive. She quit work so she could spend more time at home with our son. She put on weight. I didn’t care what she looked like. She was my wife. I wanted her. Badly. I was her husband. She blew me off. She said I wanted too much from her. She told me that she was ‘afraid’ that if she gave me the once a week sex I wanted then I would only want more. She was OK when sex began but before-hand she didn’t want to discuss it. No desire. At least not for me. I stayed in shape. Worked out 6-days a week. I though that it would help. That she would want me. She enjoyed showing me off to her friends; ‘Look What I’ve Got’. That was as good as it got for me.
She had affairs. I found out late. I was crushed. Broken. Therapy. She lied. I knew that there was nothing more I could do. After 28-years we split. The boy grown. The assets divided. This is life?
If you find your husband is no longer attractive, this has nothing to do with either you or him. If you no longer desire the man you married; This is normal. We are all subject to our biology. After I read some books like ‘Living In Limbo’. I got it. Too late; But I finally understood. And I feel better. Happier. Who can argue with happy?
I am so happy to have stumbled on this post. Some of the thoughts on here such as taking meds to dampen your sex drive are all things I’ve been through too. My story: We got together when I was 24 and he was 36. We are now 36 and 48 respectively. For the first 6 months, the sex was just incredible but it was ALWAYS me who initiated. That didn’t bother me much because he was usually willing. Then after a year or so, it became obvious we had different sex drives. Stupidly, I married him anyway, not knowing then that the problem would just get worse (as is pointed out repeatedly in all your comments!) Fast forward to age 32 when I was constantly horny and he no longer had any interest. He says sex is something that never occurs to him. He kept rejecting me and knew how much I was suffering because of it. So the last 5 years have been spent with me struggling with a very healthy sexual appetite and pleading and begging and getting him to try all sorts of things. It’s only when I actually break down and cry about it that he will make an effort for a while. Then nothing. He admitted he is lazy. I have now warned him that I am tempted by others yet still he does nothing. So for the last 6 months I have been having lovely sex and kisses and cuddles with a male friend of mine (also married and wife not interested)
I am absolutely besotted with this man and I think he with me. I sometimes think about leaving. But I live in a lovely house with three gorgeous pets (no kids thank god!) and I don’t really want to give all that up. I was struggling very badly with guilt until I read all these comments. And yes I do mean all! Every single one! Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
You need to suffer guess what your not in a relationship for sex you are in one for the significant other who you should live with or without it. I was married ad we had sex every other day and she still cheated and we have children all cuz some souls attractive douch comes in and steals my wife now my biggest thing is with all the completely unhappy whine cry complain oh you don’t love me anymore Cuz we don’t have sex wow get over yourself it’s not all about sex and women plain and simple and it’s all of you every single one of you are never satisfied always either looking or thinking of better men (in your mind) and truly don’t know what they want and are never happy it’s plain and simple a woman thing and all you crazy ladies that will respond in anger to this you are exactly who I’m talking about. You get angry cuz I am right and you claim I’m not but that’s to keep your image up as a loving person but your not it’s all about number one and trust me when I say this guy’s can be bad but women are always worse and deep down they know and use it but never admit it cuz they care what people think. I’m a stay at home now single father of four and what I know is every one bitching and moaning needs to suck it up and stop being a baby and relize that guys do the most and woman are never satisfied I’m not sexisit I’m a realist and watch every woman in a relationship you know really watch and investigate and you will see I’m right.
Women are selfish.
I am married the 3rd time. This time to a husband who was sexually abused in his childhood and therefore cringes at the mention of sex. I HATE IT! I MISS SEX! I’m right there with any other woman who has been through this or is going through it.
There are other things going on in our case and I am promised that its all going to change in the next couple months when other things get worked out that he’s dealing with (can’t go into details here)
Honestly, if it does not change, I will begin procedure of filing for divorce as I will NOT live the rest of my life sexless. I was known for my ability sexually and my sex appeal and he claims he finds me desirable but no proof in actions of that and I refuse to stay longer than I have to. I am almost 51 years old and I do not believe this is God’s best for me at all!
Glad I found this group. Hope to make some nice friends who understand the pain I have been and am going through.
Beth
I know the pain that ALL of you are going through. Our spouse, be it man or woman, is supposed to be our best friends. Someone we can talk to, laugh with and share things with. Sex isn’t everything, but a hug or a kiss would be nice. Showing you can and indeed love them is a plus. Over 20 years I have been alone and I mean alone! No touching, no kissing, no love making, nothing. Everyone comes first and I, like a dog, beg for scraps of any sort of affection, which never comes. For many years I sleep on the couch. Why? Being a man and lying next to a woman is very hard to do. She rolls over goes to sleep and I lie there, wanting to feel her skin. But, I am not allowed. To all of you out there who are going through this hell, I pray for you and know the emptiness you feel inside.
Cried in the middle of the night after reading all the comments. I myself is suffering from a sexless marriage. I was a 34 yr old virgin when we got married but to this time feel the same thing. He doesn’t want kids, which I badly want, no sex, what should I do? I love him but at my wits end.
I recently read a book called Attached about the three different styles of attachment that people express in relationships. After reading it, I wonder if many of us aren’t married to what the book refers to as avoidant people. They want to bond with their spouses, but only in a way that allows them to keep a certain amount of distance. Because of the way they were raised, they are uncomfortable with too much affection, loss of emotional control, togetherness, etc. It manifests in different ways. I read the book and it was a revelation. My “spouse” (we’ve been together 21 years but never married), wonderful, intelligent, and caring though he is, will only let me in so deeply. Sex was good in the beginning but never particularly intimate, and after many years became infrequent and awkward. Three weeks or more would go by with no expression of interest on his part. I agree with the poster who said that sex is a form of loving communication, and that’s what I longed for. But even when we had sex, it felt more like masturbation using another person’s body. No words or eye contact. He started losing erections in the middle of intercourse or could hardly get one at all. He tried to ignore it until finally I brought it up, which only made him angry. Everything was normal medically. As I got older and my need for a deep, intimate, adult relationship got stronger, I felt that I outgrew him emotionally and sexually. I now know that he has an avoidant attachment style, and no amount of trying to get closer, have more and better sex, or be deeply intimate with him is possible. I had a two-year affair that was very fulfilling in a lot of ways, and showed me what was possible with a person who is open and loving. Unfortunately it ended in disaster when his wife found out — twice. I don’t recommend an affair as a long term solution to a problem like this. The fact is, I’m with a person who withholds himself on a certain level, and though we’re close and best friends in many ways, we’ll never have the romantic and intimate connection I need. We’ve discussed it a lot and are essentially living platonically now. We both plan to date other people while staying close friends who support each other’s lives. Now that I’m no longer trying to get from him what he isn’t capable of giving, we get along better than ever. It’s not romantic, sexual, or intimate, though, and that is what I’m determined to have in my life.
The one sure this is this: I can’t live in a sexless relationship. That is a deal breaker. I have a high libido and enjoy sexual activity daily as a form of recreation, even if it’s only masturbation. If there is a problem that we are not willing to fix but that can be fixed, then it’s over. If the problem cannot be fixed and was not something that caught us be surprise (e.g. some traumatic accident or something), then I would work to find alternatives within our marriage, taking into account any limitations that might be a factor. A lifetime without penetrative sex would be very hard to do though, I have to admit. But I could do it if I loved the person enough or at least make sure we are both on the same page when it ends.
My reasoning is this: the only thing that differentiates marriage from any and every other relationship you have, had or will have, is sex. You share finances and resources with family and roommates, you learn to live with people from the day you’re born because you live with your parents first, then siblings, then probably roommates. You have best friends your whole life (hopefully) who you emotionally support as much as you do your current spouse/so/partner… but you only have sex (theoretically) with one person: your current love. So if you aren’t having sex and you don’t have a good reason, then you’re not engaged in the marriage. Of course marriage encompasses many other things such as child rearing but that is no excuse to not make time for sex, even if you have to give up some thing in order to make it happen.
And sex is very healthy, a huge part of being a sexual creature.
Furthermore, being a fairly non-religious person, I see the biology of sex and the societal constraints of marriage as conflicting. The idea of monogamy – it’s true definition being only one person for all your life – is NOT conducive to human biology. We are not programmed that way. We are not even programmed to have a mating season, like many animals are. We are programmed to want to have sex often, and without desiring to reproduce every time, something slightly unique but not unheard of in the animal world. I would suggest only having one partner at a time is a good practice, nonetheless but we do outgrow our partners over time. I would not cheat. I believe in karma. I may not stay in the marriage but I will be upfront about it and not cheat.
I have had the same problem as others and it has been so very very difficult at times. I stay in my marriage because of my children and because it would hurt my wife if I left. I think that it is really ok to cheat if things are that hard and people should feel free to do that. But an even better way like you say is to be upfront if you can because if you cheat you are punishing yourself in a way and forcing yourself to lie which sadly may make someone who is already distressed even more distressed. Better if you can to try to hold your head up high. Obviously may not always be possible.
What about making a good friend perhaps the opposite sex to talk frankly about the problem, not with the idea of starting an affair but to get it talked about. The reason why I say this is because it worked for me. I think that making a partner feel sexually frustrated is a bit mean and if it goes on for long then the worse it is. And if someone is being cruel then the person who is suffering must defend themselves and for me just knowing that I had someone close to me just gave me the strength and calm to confront the situation and it resolved. I did keep my friend confidential to myself but did not cheat. If I had had an affair with my close friend I would not have been able to talk to my wife with the same honesty. I thought that I would reply to your post because I think that you are right that about the not cheating – not to save ones partners feelings as much to save ones own pride. Has anyone tried this ?
I’ve been married for about 10 years, sex started off better than great but after our child was born it’s dwindled. Went from a few times a week to once a month, now I’m lucky if she’ll do it in 3-6 months? I’m getting older, she’s 13 years younger, in her early thirties. Says she’s always tired, changes subject, thought she was cheating at one point but I think she really is tired. I was recently diagnosed with MS and I’m not sure how long or if I’ll be healthy later? I love her, she’s gorgeous and I doubt I’ll find another as pretty and smart, I got pretty lucky and went above my league with her, but I’ve thought about just cheating?? I watch porn, more than I’d like, and I’m really getting pissed off about the situation but I don’t want to ruin my marriage or leave my wife or daughter. Really confused and angry about the whole situation. All these stories piss me off because I see a lot of similarities to mine!!
Once the sex starts to become a “chore” for the other. They make you feel guilty for even asking, or like they have better things to do, like sleeping for instance. That is the beginning of the sexless part. After getting tired of making efforts I finally gave up myself. Would I consider sex with somebody else? sure. Would she? Who knows. Would I care. not really. Whatever. Call it an open marriage at this point. It is obvious that the physical part of the relationship is over. It would be great to find a woman in the same situation for regular meetings.
I had a similar problem with my wife which started at least 10 years ago. I cheated – not really deliberately but stumbled into a relationship because I was feeling so hollow. I felt like it was far enough given how my wife totally rejected me. I had 2 kids and the way my wife acted ripped me apart. Couldn’t leave , couldn’t stay. Anyway it turned out the woman I unconsciously started an affair with was from heaven. Very very beautiful, kind and so loving. I didn’t know to begin with but she was a really desirable woman and she made close friends with me then chatted me up and then seduced me. The affair was out of this world but I had no choice. My only regret was not having a bit more spine and telling my wife before it happened that the risk was there because of how she withholds sex. Now if the sex dries out at home I tell my wife kindly and make a light joke about the risks of embarrassing myself with porn, the sex industry or an affair if I can’t get my rocks off at least once a week at home. That normally does the trick as long as I am light hearted about it. She gets a bit annoyed when I joke about getting mixed up with the wrong types if she can’t give me some relief but that’s ok because i want her to know why things happen if they do. If she catches me cheating I just say that I want to have sex with her and suggest we start over.
I think that some relationships get very cruel when one partner rejects the other sexually. Sexual longing is impossible to suppress for most people. Who is to say that the other half isn’t cheating and in a way it is the same thing.
Go and do some things that you are interested in and that others may have a passion for too and you may get you life back.
Reading the post here I get some sort of relief, as in I am not the only person in this world going through this never ending pain. As each time I try to mention sex to my husband he takes me on a guilt trip, and then finally telling me that a marriage is not all about sex its more than that…recently for my birthday for the first time in four years he didn’t reject me…i got a pity sex lasted for like a min but even for that 1 min I felt desired I felt wanted and i saw a tiny ray of hope that things would be different from this point on. Even though he couldn’t satisfy me but the only thing that he tried made me so happy….that the whole night I endlessly praised him….next day even I tried to buy some stuff to make things spicy…which I did going out of my comfort zone…but I did just to please him…but the moment I showed him he felt very shy…it was just a lubricant not a sex toy or something. Still he felt so shy and so ashamed. I really didn’t know what to say what to expect…again after that day he is going on the same path…I am scared to say this but I sometime feel like to leave this relationship…would it make me feel better?…I don’t know…but as they say the grass seems greener on the other side…would it be a mistake…cause I know he is a good person…and father of my child…now the question remains…divorce while I am still young or wait till I am old enough when sex wouldn’t be an issue at all….
You may well have to leave.
Glad to know that I am not alone in this world. I am in a sexless marriage for the past 4 years. For the past 4 years, our sex life has completely stopped. Even before then we hardly had any sex life. I am married to this man for 10 years now. When we were newly married, we might have had sex may be three or four times a month, apart from the first one month when we might have had sex more frequently i dont remember. Anyway, our sex life more or less became very infrequent after three or four months into the marriage and i remember that i used to feel very confused if it was normal or not. So infrequent may be once a month for a few minutes or so. I am an Indian woman and our culture is very conservative so i was a virgin when i got married. I didn’t have any premarital sexual experience that i could have used as a reference to know if what i was experiencing in my marriage sexwise was normal or not. I thought of talking about it with my friends but didn’t because Indian women are usually not very open about discussing their sex life. But even then I loved my husband because he is genuinely a nice person. When we shifted to another city from our hometown after 2 years of marriage, I remember having sex with my husband only twice or thrice in the first year after moving to the new city but in the second year, we didn’t have had any sex at all. Yes no sex for the whole year and our marriage was only four years old. When we came to the USA, we had one passionate sex once in a hotel room that I remember because I experienced orgasm for the first time then, but after that I don’t remember of having sex with him until we started trying for a baby. In 2013 when we started trying for a baby, we used to try having sex when the ovulation kit showed that i was ovulating. In the first month we had successful intercourse may be for 10 minutes. After that he started experiencing erectile dysfunction. Next five months went by trying to mate during the ovulation period but since he was experiencing erectile dysfunction, we instead of going for intercourse tried to inject the sperm into my uterus using an injection syringe without the needle but our attempts failed and i didn’t become pregnant. In month 6, my husband managed to get a successful erection for one day and it lasted for about 5 minutes may be and I became pregnant at last 😊. After I conceived, our sex life came to a full stop. My son is three now and we have had no sex for about 4 years now. No sex means nothing, not even kissing. My husband does not even look at me if I am dressed up nice and look pretty. Before i started going to the college, i thought this kind of behavior from men may be common once you have a baby because i put on weight but i reduced over 30 pounds within a year and half after my son was born. I look attractive and get lots of attention from guys in my MBA college. I have fallen in love with a white guy who is 6 years junior to me. He appears to be serious about me and wants to have sex with me but the problem is two times after we kissed and started to become intimate, i started to feel guilty immediately because the value system i have grown up in says it’s wrong to have sex outside marriage and now he does not talk to me and is acting cold with me saying i have rejected him. I am not financially independent yet and i am scared of going into a relationship with this guy because i am not sure if he will marry me at the end or not. Indian society is not very forgiving in extra marital affairs whatever the cause may be and fingers of blame are always pointed at women. I am financially dependent on my husband due to which i cannot file for divorce as I will not receive any financial support from my parents. I don’t know what to do. I feel so frustrated at times. After having no sex life for 4 years, I don’t feel attracted to my husband anymore though I respect him a lot but i am unable to look at him beyond a friend. He is a nice person otherwise and a good father. I don’t know what to do. I am tired of dragging on marriage like this.
Get your independent financial life together first. Focus hard on that keeping your money private. Stash away cash in a lockbox at a bank you lease if you have to. You need to prepare yourself first. That alone will help you gain some confidence. I wouldn’t latch onto another man for the posibility of him supporting you. Most men in this culture wouldn’t do that. Many will tell you what you want to hear, but only you can control your future.
I think it is so sad we all have to resort ourselves to this, desperate to speak to someone that is going through the same thing. A couple of years ago I was seperated from my husband. We were apart for about a year and a half. When we first got back together things seem to have improved, but then the lack of intimacy took hold real fast. I know it is inevitable. I need sex in my life and the longing to be desired. I don’t want to put myself in the situation financially like I was a few years ago. I am looking at better career options. I currently work non-profit, but lets face it. It doesn’t pay as well as for-profit. In a couple of years my son will be old enough to where I won’t have to get him off the bus each day. I want to set some money aside in an account he is not aware of. I don’t think of this as being deceptive because currently I cover most of the expenses and are very bothered by that even though I make a little more. I have just been nore driven overtime than he has been to make more money and frankly he has been slowing me up for the past few years. I’m not money hungry, but I do want to have some in retirement, take a budget friendly trip once per year, have some fun in my boring life, and don’t want to live paycheck-to-paycheck. I also want to take the time to get myself in shape to do more physical activities and have the great body I used to have. I want to have more of a fulfillled life and I think that should be everyone’s goal. Stop letting others drag your life on in limbo.
Just looking to see what others find as alternative in a sexless marriage. Married to my wife now for 13 years. She lost interest when her children all graduated high school … around year 6 of our marriage. Sex went from 3 or 4 times a week to once a month after 6 years, to not even once a year now. She says it’s nothing to do with me, but she doesn’t want sex. It makes me feel like a bad person when I try to get her in the mood. I don’t want her to do anything she doesn’t want to do, but a part of being married is to take care of each other, including sexual desires. I feel a divorce is the best thing for the both of us, because I have grown to hate living with her. I hate coming home from work and actually look forward to being away from home. So, I do feel like she is punishing me for something, even though she says I haven’t done anything. Should I just go to work one day, and never come back… dump the car and all my connections where nobody will find it and assume another life in another state or country? All kinds of options cross my mind about how I can escape this non-sex prison.
Al, I’m sorry to hear about your struggles.
I’m going to exit my relationship by packing up and leaving when she’s not home. I have given her years to fix this, and she hasn’t. A clear indication that she doesn’t truly respect me. If our partners cared about us, they’d step up to the plate and fix it.
Not sure I feel any better after reading all that others have had to say, but knowing I am not alone is some solace. I’m in a 28 year marriage and have finally quit keeping track of the years without sex or any kind of physical contact…no sex at all during 2/3 of that time, and only once every few months during “active” times. We’re both 53, perfect kid out on her own, financially secure and I’m considering still working just so I’ll have some female contact and not be stuck at home with a woman that professes to love and want me, but has no idea how to show it.
I’ve tried talking it out, to no avail…always initiated by me, the last time was the last straw for me …I decided I’d rather live without sex than to be the only one into it. If it’s going to be solo it might as well be my own masturbation !
I’ve gone through periods of extreme frustration, anger, argued…always with the same “I can’t just turn it on”…I quit going camping and to the beach since there was never any sex…forget vacation trips to see relatives!! No chance there.
I’ve tried a couple flings with good friends who were in similar situations, but felt guilty and ended them shortly. I’ve accepted, best I can, that I picked her and our marriage is probably not going to get any better. I stand to lose substantial $$ if I get divorced and really don’t want to put our families through that mess. In hindsight, I should have divorced after the first 3 year dry spell and gone on with life…but like so many others here, our children are important and I promised myself long ago I wouldn’t put mine through a nasty divorce.
So…it all comes down to what’s important…I miss the intimacy, a woman’s touch, my hands on a woman…so many of the things that keep a man and woman close…but I can’t stay angry at my wife for not needing the same things I do…I have a choice. So I choose to stay, not disrupt the family, substitute love of friends for the love I don’t get at home, and there is a woman I know who appreciates all I do for her and lets me know…it helps.
Is it enough?? I’m not sure, but I’m trying to keep moving forward. Retirement certainly won’t be as much fun as I’d planned:(
I’ve got no advice for others…only that if this is early in your marriage and it’s not getting better, it probably won’t. Act accordingly. If you meet me in the grocery store and feel a little spark, smile and say hello:)
I know exactly how u feel. Well I’ve only got 17 yrs under my belt but yeah I get it. At 52yrs old I think I’m a catch but the person I married just isn’t driven sexually. We’ve had sex so many times over the years and I am unsatisfied everyone. So yeah I give up. Then have another one of THOSE talks and still nothing changes. I feel your pain. You are not alone.
I’ve brought up the discussion with my gf a couple times a year for 7 years, and nothing has changed. The last time I brought it up about a month and a half ago with a dire warning.
“If things don’t improve with your intimacy towards me, we will be finished.” I have made all the effort over the years to keep us connected, but she just won’t take any initiative. She made an effort once, and then it went back to the same pattern. Like she never heard what I was saying. She is completely ignoring my feelings, and the severity of the situation.
KT, I read through much of this thread but yours seemed most appropriate to reply to. I married quite young and like you have 28 years in now. My wife and I are both accomplished professionally but living as roommates and friends, not partners. Sex was slow from the very beginning, and for the first decade perhaps out of financial or other personal insecurities around failure, I never took action. I knew in year one that she just wasn’t into it. For some reason not clear to me know, I thought she might change next month, month after month. I thought perhaps she hated her body, was afraid of pregnancy, was abused as a child, or had some kind of hormonal imbalance that might straighten out later in life. Maybe it was all or none of those things, I still don’t know. We won’t talk about it. Sex went from once every few months in the first decade to once a year in the second decade, to none now. Toward the end she would only tie sex to a big international vacation or something like that, but was never into it. I’m tall, not unfit, reasonably attractive, a good conversationalist, polite and so forth, and got interest on the margins over the years but never acted on anything. I regret that now. I feel it would have restored some humanity and perhaps given me the confidence to act.
I would second your comment to those in their twenties and thirties who have made it to discussions like this one. You wrote “… if this is early in your marriage and it’s not getting better, it probably won’t”. I do second that. To the younger readers of this comment, I would tell you that if intimacy matters enough to be searching for discussions on the topic, consider an exit plan or you will be writing a comment like mine in 15 or 20 years.
For someone like me with no kids and now approaching 50, I look back on it and wonder why I tolerated the frustration and dehumanizing dynamic of it all. I feel that I failed myself, something I would now readily admit. It is only recently that I am getting up the courage to consider divorce, and it will take some time. She is planning to ease into retirement in a few years. I expect her to be ruthless, combative and highly vindictive in the process, or for all I know she may become suicidal. I have to figure out how to protect my career and person from all of that. The energy required to manage through this seems unattainable when I think about it, and so the status quo goes on.
Putting these words on a page has been a helpful mental step. My thanks to those here so honest about their situations and experiences. It has helped.
Hello,
I tried seeking help from some experts before. Unfortunately, It didn’t help. I’ve been married for over 3 years now. It was a fairy-tale love marriage, and we couldn’t have asked for more.
I did make some mistakes (in fact, too many to be honest) in my marriage. This might be the reason my wife starting having an affair.
I came to know about my wife’s affair in March, 2016. I confronted her, to which she agreed having an affair and physical relation with his friend. We had several rounds of constructive discussions, but we eventually decided to get separated. We were still in touch though and 2 months down the line, she decided to get back to me promising to end her affair and give a fresh start to our marriage.
We behaved normally, living a healthy life back again, except the fact that she never agreed to have any physical intimacy with me ( be it a hug, a kiss or sex). We did every thing a normal couple would do, caring for each other, cooking together, having fun, going out. Everything looks normal except our physical relationship. We did try to have sex a couple of times when I insisted, but she pretended it to be too painful, and quit right in the middle.
Few months later, I came to know that she’s still continuing her affair, meeting her boyfriend, talking over the phone & chat, and having sex too (yes, I’ve the proof as I got access to her WhatsApp, and it was there in the chat). Upon yet another confrontation, she confessed having a continued relation with her boyfriend, including the sex part and him visit my place in my absence.She cried her heart-out seeking an apology.
I decided to move out of this marriage, to which she’s not agreeing. She says she loves me and can’t live without me. She promises to put an end to everything, and leave everything behind. My problem is, I can’t see her crying to sleep every time I ask her to leave or get divorced.
I am in a state of mental block, not knowing what to do. I can’t see her crying, and she seems helpless in getting over her boyfriend.
It’s been over 19 months we last made love to each other, despite a very normal day-to-day life since she’s back. We are living under the same roof as friends (rather good friends). I just don’t know where we are heading though. I am addicted to porn and masturbation now. And all we do is sleep on separate beds in the same room after a normal day at work or together at home. My addiction to porn and masturbation is getting worse. I am getting hyper-sexual the more I feel rejected.
I don’t know if there’s anything anyone can do to help me out of this mess!
Hi,
She is just making fool of you. Nothing else She is living at your money & enjoying with someone else. Just quit with divorce.
I went to a party, with the kind of guys I trust, and when they were drunk I stripped, lied down, and spread my legs. Done! Problem solved. I am still happily married.
I’ve been in relationship with my wife for 21years now n married for 17 years. Like all couples, we have our ups n downs. Right now, sex is not an issue. We have it as frequently as 3-4 times a week to as rare as 3-4 times a month depending on situation and sometimes go up to 1-3 months without sex when I’m outstation for work or during school breaks when she takes the kids (3 kids) to visit her parents. Before having kids (1st 6 years) we were like rabbits n did it every chance we got but rarely less 1s a day. I am a small time contractor earning just enough for the moderate life we live and she is a housewife and my most trusted, loved and desired lieutenant. I love her very much. Before marriage, I believe we had some great advice from elderly people about our sexual obligation to our spouses. That seemed to be the only advice they’d offer and practically grilled it into our heads. We were skeptical at the time coz we thought, well, we have to F*** to be happy in marriage, how hard is that. Besides, we are hinging up mainly to legalize our naughty activities (and eliminate the competition, of course). What a deal! But I believe now (as many here would agree), that’s the best advice. Sex and kids are the ultimate bond for a relationship. I grew up in a broken marriage. My parents were divorced when I was 4. Was living with 1 relative to another and is exposed enough to understand that there is no such thing as happily ever after. We need to constantly work on it. Financial and/or sexual sanctions are very destructive weapons (although very effective) in a marriage and should never be used under any circumstances. My wife (like most women) liked to be treated in the most romantic way possible as frequently as possible. I, on the other hand refused to play along because I believed that such actions (even a simple utter of “I love you”) should be done in moderation occasionally. We need to feed the hunger and not diminish the urge. She retaliated by initiating sexual sanctions (we never refused sex, ever). 1st time she said NO and tried to negotiate in the process. I was shocked and just turned around and walked away. She apologized later and attempted another negotiation but I refused participate on such terms. After that thing started to take a different twist. To see if everything was ok, I attempted. No clear rejection but she wasn’t in the mood and responded with a clear sign “just to fulfill my obligation” written all over her. That was the 1st time I felt so cheap. I didn’t want to force her to want me so I tried to be more careful to set the mood and timing. She would just try to avoid it until bedtime. In bed, I’ll try not to be too pushy by just a gentle rub of her shoulder, hip or back and peck a few kissed on her head or neck. That didn’t work either. She falls asleep in less than 3minutes leaving me to deal with my “stiffy” and a predicament of whether or not I should flogg it, get off n get lost or just roll over and sleep because I’m still hoping that she’d just suddenly roll over and decide to give charity sex (that beats “beating it” anytime). Just wishful thinking. Never happened. I’ll just get up n go watch TV and fall asleep in the living room with the tv watching me. Only way she wouldn’t escape is to wake her just before the alarm clock in the morning. She’ll give in while whispering “just a quick 1, ok?”. Before this I never felt undesired by my wife and therefore never actually cared if I needed to initiate every single time. This situation made me crave the desire to be needed by my wife (intimately). Sex was stale because I’ve always placed utter importance in making sure she’s fulfilled before me (successful 90% of the times) and this doubt of her being interested or not destroys the entire purpose. I needed assuarance, so I tried to stop initiating. Few days at first, then 1 week, rarely 2weeks (that’s how weak I am, LOL). Still nothing. The waiting was so agonizing. Feeling of resentment started to grow with the intensity doubling everyday. Eventually, I’d hv to give up and go back to my pathetic initiative just to get off and reset the pressure as it was too much for me to handle and it was very distracting to every aspect of my life. I tried “jerking off” with porn (porn is legal if watched together, btw) and she found out. Big argument. Her point was valid. She claimed that I shouldn’t indulge in porn n masturbation because she was not denying me sex. Fair enough, I stopped. The feeling of resentment grew and grew until 1 fine day. I discovered a switch to TURN OFF the desire (maybe some of you can relate). Suddenly I was able to just flip the switch and just move on. I stopped every attempt to create opportunity and all hopes of getting any charitable initiation which I craved so badly just vanished. They say it takes 3months to make or break a habit and because of my determination to break this habit, I set a target of 6 months (just to be sure). Bad move. I didn’t know then, but I know now that if the attempt succeeded, we would now be in a sexless marriage. Thank God. 3 months later, she surrendered. The rest is history. Now sex is great with zero frustrations.
I do not know how save a sexless marriage. I’m no specialist. I’m just the guy you meet at grocery store. Hope my story could touch someone in a good way and save a marriage at least
Women have a problem yes u do. Men have always been the bad guys until the 21 century. When your not satisfied with how your husband and I say that very lightly because vows mean nothing to u all. and I mean all. A man has sexual needs and you use that against us so its better for a man to just get 2 women and that way his needs can be met without anybody having to go through
They’d rather blame us than take responsibility for themselves. I see it more and more.
“My husband doesn’t make love to me any more, nor does he cuddle!”
Ok, so when was the last time you showed him desire? When did you last engage your man and make him feel wanted? This is my current gf to the tee. Has pretty much never initiated anything the whole 7 years we’ve been together, and has the nerve to say, “I don’t feel close to you any more.”
So why don’t you make a move for once, and take initiative. Invite me to sit beside you, or hell… sit beside me, put your arms around me, and make love to me. Oh, I’m sorry… you’re just not in the mood, and I have to touch you first for you to be in the mood. It’s called… sit down anyways.. and get YOUR man in the mood. I did it all the time. Sometimes I wasn’t really in the mood, but I did it to please you you selfish *&$*%!
Again, it’s about her, and not her partner.
So here’s my story. Myself and my wife’s sex life dried up many many years ago. It went from ‘like rabbits at first’ to a healthy and manageable once per week to finally once per month. Sex became the elephant in the room. I always blamed myself and still lean that way. Was I not romantic enough, exciting enough, good looking enough, good enough under the covers and so on. I tried everything to heel the situation from doing not only my share of the house work to doing her share as well, being more romantic, buying flowers, arranging date nights, making sex a more surprising and experimental experience and the list goes on. We have sex once per month and because I complained about it and the way it made me feel she made an effort and it increased to more like twice. I can hear a lot of people saying ‘what are you complaining about then’. Well here’s my complaint. Often when we have sex it feels like we are having a conversation and she is not talking back. She almost just lays and doesn’t proactively respond. She makes little effort and therefore it feels like it’s not sex, it’s me putting my penis inside her with her consent. And then the the discovery! Wait for it. I’ve found that she watches porn 3-4 times per month. Real sex with her real husband has been essentially replaced by sex with herself. Does she have better orgasms. I don’t know. Is it because it’s quicker and easier? Maybe. Is it because she has absolutely no concerns about her performance when fucking herself. Maybe. Is she that selfish that she couldn’t care less about how I feel in this marriage. Possibly. I know one thing. It’s made me feel like shit! It’s made me feel like she is cheating. My body, my consent, my patience, my enthusiasm, my effort and my loyalty have all been replaced by videos of other people having sex. How on earth did I manage to pick such a sexually retarded woman as my wife? I don’t know.
I’ve been married to my wife over 20yrs. Have three kids that are 0 problem other than the usual stuff of saving for college, working, etc. The last 10yrs with my wife have been horrific intimately wise. While we did have sex it was usually after I had to change my behaviour i.e. not stay at work so late, not go out with the guys, don’t be on the computer so much etc. We went to 2 different bouts of therapy in which she admitted she doesn’t think of me in an intimate fashion, nor initiates any type of affection nor sees the need. So I withdrew from her almost a year ago now. We are living in a parental marriage now. I still look after all the bills, do more than my share around the house. She works part time, but hasn’t worked in the last 3 most. No more going out to dinner, or away for the weekend, or fancy gifts, or holidays….with her anyway. I’ve met a considerable younger woman that I see on the side now. She is caring, considerate, spontaneous, and lives life in the front seat as opposed to the back seat passing judgement. I couldn’t be happier. I didn’t want a divorce as it would ruin both of us financially and disrupt the kids. Say whatever you like but for now this is working like a charm. Does my wife know about my girlfriend? I don’t think so. Does she suspect? I couldn’t give less of a shot. My girlfirend knows about my wife and what she is all about, she mentions to move in with her and that is on my list of things to do once all the kids have left for school …..which will be in the next 3yrs. I’ll sell the house, give her her half and bubye. There was a time when I was stressed beyond belief why my wife acted like this 0 sex drive 0 intimacy 0 affection…came as soon as she hit 50. Made 0 effort but wants a husband to provide yet she does nothing. I did everything, worked less, got in shape, spoiled her but it was all one way. Now? her feelings and happiness are last on the list if she makes it on the list at all. I look at her as a dependant, nothing more.
My advise to you guys, if no kids then divorce her. If you don’t want to divorce for whatever reason, then get a piece on the side…there are lots out there. But be honest with them, you might be surprised.
Max,
I have been in these footsteps for 3 years. they have been the BEST three years of my life. !!! I fell totally in love, great pillow talk, – total honesty. We also had the luck
of knowing each other for 10 years, which made the connection even stronger.
Then over a week or two , she met someone who could be “full time ” with her AND made a commitment. !!! I became the past in a heartbeat. A few calls and sad text messages, but it was clear – I’m out….. After 4 months of reflection, LOVE is LOVE
nothing better, and nothing worse – Will I divorce ? maybe, can I love like this again
possibly, will I give up ? NEVER !!!!
I have been with my gf for 7 years, and she never initiates anything physical.
I have brought it up kindly for years, and she keeps telling me she will make an effort. You see, I am very good at nonviolent communication, and I always speak from the heart. I am mindful of my words, and patient. My approach is very good. It’s her.
After I bring it up, she engages once, or twice, then it fades back in to oblivion. Left up to me to get it rolling, until I bring it up again, but no more. I’m not the counselor, and if she doesn’t want to work on these issues, then my needs are not important to her. It’s that simple.
I recently resigned from that part of our relationship. as I am sick of the circle I’ve been running around, and the false hope that has been instilled in me. She is completely against open relationships, so she really has backed me in to a corner in that regard. Quite selfish of her to keep me locked up like that.
Awful.
Sick of it. I’m a 50/50 guy, and I’m quite easy to compromise with, but when you completely ignore something this big, it shows me that you’re not truly willing to work with me. It shows me you don’t care.
I simply don’t feel desired by her at all. Never really have. I think she finished me off twice in our whole 7 years with her hands. She grunts, groans, and complains about it. I figure forget it. I don’t want you to feel troubled by making me feel good. It was always about her needs. Not mine.
So, I have a mistress who takes care of my needs. I’m a very sexual guy with a very wild, and healthy libido. I’m creative with sex, and fun. My mistress told me I am the best she’s ever had, and that my gf is brain dead for missing out on such a wonderful lover. At this point, once this mistress moves on, I will just find another one. I’m covert as hell, so this will never come to light.
I learned a lot through this. I no longer judge anyone who has an affair because through this, I am learned a lot about why people have them. I get it now. Even my mother encouraged me to get my needs met elsewhere because as we get older we do need to think about us too.
As a man, I tie intimacy, and sex as one. It reminds me that she finds me attractive, and enjoys being close to me. It boosts my ego, and well being, and makes me feel stronger in the world. Without a supportive partner, I simply retract. By not engaging me, she has damaged my self esteem, so I am out there repairing it. This woman has hurt me, and she simply doesn’t get it. She complains about me not listening to her on small things like dishes, but when these big issues come up, it’s usually her missing the severity of it.
I need sex to feel close to my woman. So now I understand affairs. Since I am not being taken care of here, I am out there getting it done by someone who finds me attractive, and sexy.
My husband and I have been together for 3.5 years. Married for almost 2. When we got together, our sex life was a 10/10. Explosive, passionate, incredible. As soon as we got married, that was it. It ended. When we do make love, once a month, it’s the same position and ends very quickly. We’ve had many arguments. He’s the perfect husband in all other ways. He just has no desire for sex. But I feel cheated. I never in a million years thought I would desire another man, but I find myself accepting glances from other men and returning them. My husband now sleeps on the couch almost every night. He falls asleep watching TV. He knows it bothers me but continues to do it. He doesn’t watch porn, he is definitely not cheating. He just has no desire. I left my last relationship of 11 years because we became room-mates rather than lovers. That’s where I’m at again. How did this happen? I feel like the entire beginning of our relationship was a lie. I’m tired. Tired of begging, tired of even having to ask him to share a bed with me. I don’t know where to go from here.i love him very much, but I can’t do this for the rest of my life. I’m only 32.
I’m the post above you, and it’s safe to say that my gf and I are room mates too. I can’t live like this much longer, and I’m seriously contemplating a quick move out with a Dear Jane letter.
I already know this girl can be violent, as she has hit me twice. When I brought up the possible end to all of this because of her lack of desire for me, the water works began. Uggg.
As for your situation, look at the other men all you want, and enjoy the glances. Most importantly, do not feel guilty about them. You and I both lack attention from our others, so at this point, I think… “You know, it’s my turn to be happy since you don’t want to be there for me.”
Sexless relationships are killers. Hate them, and I will never tolerate this again in the future. I admit, this is becoming the hardest relationship of my life.
It’s hard, isn’t it? I literally just had a fight with him about it. He says that I give up on him, I’m never there for him, etc. he’s totally playing a mind game. And then he blamed me. Blamed me for never trying which is outright BS. Every time I try he has an excuse. Needs to shower, back hurts, blah blah. He doesn’t want divorce. He thinks our marriage is fine. My needs are dust in the wind to him. Doesn’t matter what I say or how I bring it up, it ends in a fight. He takes no responsibility. Today he told me I’m just looking for someone who will chase me. HUH? No what I’m looking for is intimacy from my husband.
What makes all of it worse is having no one to talk to about it. Thank you for your response. Makes me feel like I’m not completely alone. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this too. And her being physical with you is unacceptable. When do you decide that enough is enough?
I’m back with more frustrations, and I just need to get this out.
I’m a mindful person who is patient, calm, kind, and always seeking light in my life. Non religious, but spiritual. I’m compassionate, caring, and understanding. I’m always trying to find ways to improve myself, so I’m quite progressive. I study many forms of spiritual mindfulness. When my faults come up, I really try and learn from them, so I am not resistant at all.
My gf is really starting to get on my nerves with her constant resistance to every moment. Constantly misinterpreting me, and my actions. Always labeling my decisions incorrectly. Calling me impatient when it’s time to leave a salad bar when our order was ready for take out. Crap like that. Always sniping me with snarky jabs. It’s also contributing to my distance with her.
She started this whole distance in the beginning 7 years ago by not engaging me sexually, and as I opened that dialog for years with her about it nothing has improved. A combination of her not engaging me, and constantly resisting me at every moment is making me realize I have to end this.
Going to get my affairs in order, my business started, and then vanish. I have a truck now, so I am fully able to vanish like a ninja in the night.
There is a woman who lives above me who I am infatuated with. She is attractive to me. She’s mindful, and progressive as well, and the conversations I have with her show me time and time again that my current gf is dead weight. It may take a bit for me to leave, but I’m planning it now.
Can’t be with someone who’s resistant to life, and who has no sexual desire.
You really should run for the hills. I’m glad you’re finding your path! I relate to everything you’ve said above (non religious but spiritual, progressive.) good luck with your business venture. I was in the bar business for a while. I wish you many years of success. And I hope you can find someone who truly fulfills you and makes you happy in every way. Wouldn’t it be great if we could take our own advice? 😉
Sexless marriage 6 years, no initiating by husband most of the time. We’ve had crappy sex for 3 years. Don’t love him anymore. He’s trying but I’ve lost attraction to him and don’t want to sleep with him. He’s hurt me too much and I don’t trust him. Plus, he’s boring in bed and we don’t like the same things either. Hope I get the courage to leave if I must.
I am remarried for 3 years and I feel the same. I feel tricked. We used to have sex everyday when dating. When we got married he said “oh I thought now that we are married we don’t have to do that anymore”. Why marry someone when you know they require sex in a marriage if you don’t want it. We are in counseling but I am starting to hate him too. The only time we have sex is when I complain constantly. That doesn’t help my self esteem.
I’ve been with this Woman for 20 years, I WAS A FOOL! To all who read this. If you the Sex is crappy BEFORE you get married it’s not going to get better. If she not giving head now she won’t later. Then the kid came. *it starts: “I want the baby to sleep with us” from there the intimacy died. I’m like wow I don’t want a child growing up like me so I stayed. Unhappy and jumping from one meaningless affair to another. Until I found a person who was my match. (THAT TOOK TEN YEARS) But in all fairness, she’s like why are you in a sexless relationship and we can’t do more than fuck? if you wanna move on then move on. But I wanted to maintain this image of stability and I lost her. I am leaving in two weeks. I don’t care about the finances anymore. I just wanna be happy before I die. I’m 47 I don’t wanna end up like my Neighbor. in a sexless relationship sitting on a porch.
Wow so glad I found this webpage. I too am in a sexless marriage. I’ve been with my husband for 14 years married for 10. At the beginning sex was great and he made lots of effort. Over the years it just dried up to barely at all. We have a 3 year old daughter, who was conceived on one of the few occasions we’ve had sex. I would like another child and he would too, and I thought great he now as an excuse to have sec with me….nope! Tell him I’m ovulating and he acts excited then when in bed later the excuses come, tired, don’t feel right etc etc. I feel worthless. I’m 34 and have kept myself in good shape, he’s put on weight but I’m not bothered, I crave sex. I find myself fantasising about having an affair and masturbating quietly under the covers while he’s asleep. The subject has come up over the years but he gets defensive and turns it round and then I’m made to feel like the bad guy. I would love. It 3 times a week but would settle for once a month! I feel unattractive and unsexy and find myself trying to flirt with any handsome man, and if I get a reaction, a check out look back, I feel better about myself, until that wears off. I think if I could have an affair and him never find out I would and I wouldn’t feel guilty. I have no job as I gave up my job to look after our child and he has a good job. The cost of childcare means it’s not worth me going back to work so I feel trapped. All I want is sex, but even when I do get it, it’s selfish. I will pleasure him and kiss him all over, but he won’t kiss or caress me or even bring me to orgasm, he just turns me over fucks me and that’s it. I cry myself to sleep sometimes. I’m too embarrassed to tell any friends, especially when some moan hiow their husband always wants sex and keeps grabbing them while they wash up or perv over them while they undress, can’t just have a cuddle etc. Apart from the sex life the marriage is great. Is it selfish to want sex or do I just put up with this or do I leave? I’m so hurt
You are the female mirror image of me. It’s a shame you don’t live near me.
Yes that is a shame. It hurts when what you want seems so easy for everyone else yet you feel starved of it and would do anything to feel that sexual excitement again. Back to the fantasies I guess!
Yep. Fantasies it is for both of us. Have you found yourself beginning to not fancy your husband yet. Years of excuses and not being wanted by my wife has led me to begin to not want her. It’s really really strange!
Yes I know exactly what you mean!! You begin to not want them any more as they don’t want you. I don’t bother trying to initiate now, partly because I’m starting to resent how he’s made me feel, and partly because it’s humiliating to be turned down. Almost easier not to try then you can’t be hurt. Feel like I should be in my sexual prime at my age not retired already! He’s in the spare room tonight due to a sickness bug and actually it’s nice be alone with my fantasies rather than wondering why he has zero interest in me sexually
Red, you have just described exactly what pattern my so called sex life took. After so many occasions where I was rejected, it was so humiliating that I just stopped initiating. Almost like a way of protecting myself from being rejected but the down side being is that you are definitely not going to have sex without someone initiating it and she never really did. And the downward spiral starts to become worse from there because the lack of initiation is interpreted as a lack of protest by our so called caring spouses who use to justify the lack of sex (well he’s not initiating it so he can’t be all that interested). I never knew that having a sex life could be so so complicated. I can’t imagine doing this to anyone who I was supposed to care about. Worst of all, if either of us ended up cheating, our spouses would go running around telling everyone how they’d been cheated on and how hurt they felt.
Yes that’s exactly it! You are in a no win situation, you stop initiating, which then means you never get sex, but least you don’t get turned down. I stopped trying to wear sexy lingerie to entice him, stopped offering blow jobs even though I get nothing of that nature offered to me. I stopped telling him kinky ideas of where it would be fun to have sex, as as what’s the point if you are not getting any in a bed even! I even told him not too long back when he turned me down how wet I was and how uncomfortable I felt, nope nothing, just sort of laughed and went to sleep. You absolutely correct, if we did cheat and get caught we would be labelled the lowest of the low and they would tell everyone what bad people we were. Not so much now I’m at home, but when I used to go to work and went travelling in my job, I used to get attention from men. After drinking one night whilst away was clear my boss would have slept with me, we were good friends and I knew he cheated on his wife, one night I got locked out of my hotel room so he offered to let me in his while I waited for someone to sort it out as my feet were hurting in my heels. He said I could stay in his room if I wanted and sleep on the bed, I felt the situation was getting out of hand so I said no I will go back to my own room when it’s open. I left as was the right thing to do and it wasn’t mentioned again (he was a years older than me). So there’s been opportunity but I’ve always rejected them. That makes me resent him more as I feel like other men find me attractive in that way just not you! I’ve stayed the same weight since we met and watch what I eat and I exercise and make an effort so he hasn’t got the excuse of oh she’s let herself go I don’t fancy her. Sometimes I wonder why I bother! I going to get a part time job next year, just so I can at least indulge in any flirty chat if it comes out so I can get some confidence back! Yes who knew it could be so complicated! I would never starve someone I care about of love, intimacy and affection. I would never turn him down even if I wasn’t fully in the mood, I would make the effort for him to have his needs met.
I can only begin to tell you how similar (almost identical) to me this is. Around 1 year a go I had a work colleague flirting with me over a number of months (of course I flirted back) and during birthday night out she came on strong. She was a very very good looking girl and we got very drunk. She openly offered it on a plate that night and also in a text she sent me in the following days and I turned her down and played down the attraction. I turned her down because I have been incredibly loyal to wife but I have started to feel that the loyalty isn’t there from her. I do believe that there is a lot more to being faithful then simply not shagging other people. It’s also about making yourself available to your spouse. So therefore my wife isn’t loyal.
Like you, I’ve kept myself in shape, I’m probably in better shape now than when we got together in fact because one of the things I did was join a gym and lift weights hoping it may cause her to desire me more. The result, bigger biceps, no desire from my wife.
Anyway… there is another forum where expressing your views on this subject is easier than this site. ILIASM google it, you can create an account and maybe we will end up talking on there. It’s definitely been a great forum for me to vent years worth of rejection.
I haven’t even turned 40 and my sex life appears to be pretty much over except for every now and then when she fancies a shag. I’d love 2-3 times a week, I would have happily settled for once every 7-10 days but no, forget it.
Wow really similar! When I was younger I never understood how people could have affairs and cheat on their other halves, it was always so black and white to me, now I’m in this situation I can see how it happens and I don’t think the blame can be only on the one who cheated. I’ve never told anyone my situation until I found this website whilst feeling very low about it and I wrote in the comments to vent my frustration (something I’ve never done before on any subject!) as I felt relieved to find this page and find I wasn’t alone. I’ve been on a health kick recently and lost a few pounds and feel good, not that my husband has noticed, so understand how you feel about your biceps when you make the effort to be more desirable, but maybe we have to stop blaming ourselves? I would love 2t to 3 tines a week, I would settle for twice a month!! But I’m ashamed to admit there’s been a year apart before (maybe more I’ve lost track!) and months normally. Thanks I will check the forum up and sign up sounds like it could be what I need, somewhere to share my frustrations and know I’m not alone. Hopefully end up talking to you on there
Honestly its so weird to read what you write because it’s exactly the way things have been for me and also it’s like you have written down my thoughts on affairs precisely. So I’ll maybe speak to you on ILIASM. My username is ‘rejected101’ (how appropriate).
Hey just to let you know I’ve registered to that forum, my username is unloved, hopefully catch you on there sometime. Take care
My husband has had sex with me once a month for 11 years. This is when I force it. He’s always got an excuse… Well then I started to spy on him and no he’s not a cheater but I am not sure if this is even worse? He sits in a lonely basement most of his life watching porn them masturbation in the shower. Every single day. Then when I force sex he will pop a viagra. BTW, Then this is fake sex and is a very forced sex for him because he’s not in the mood.. What am I suppose to do? We have talked about it over and over again. He knows I know what he’s doing and he’s doing it while he works from home. I have zero control over this situation now. He feels he’s not cheating and he’s still able to preform when I ask with a viagra. Im so confused and sick over it.. I actually want to sleep in separate bedrooms now. He is gross to me now…
I’ve been married for 14 years. When we were dating there were credit card charges for a couple hundred dollars for porn sites. I confronted him and he assured me they were fraudulent charges. He even went to the bank with me to put a claim through. 30 days later, the bank said those charges were not fraudulent. He stuck by his story.
I should have dumped him then…but hindsight being what it is. . It wasn’t the porn that bugged me, it was tge lies.
Fast forward to 2 years into marriage…I find a shit ton of porno dvd’s in his truck. I confront him and he says a guy at work wanted copies made. My husband threw out the dvd’s…. which meant another lie because he would have ..or at leas should have..returned someone else’s property. I gave an ultimatum… divorce or therapy. Saw a therapist…. concluded that he was sexually molested by a male relative. The porn thing is still secretive because it remibds him when his mommy caught him with porn as a young teen. I shouldn’t get upset if i catch him because it brings up mommy.
Purchases made again for porn, but lied about when caught. I feel i can’t say or do anything…because mommy.
He starts becoming impotent at 35. I’m two yrs younger. He says it’s stress and condoms. Prefers hand jobs…and prefers to finger me. I don’t care for it, but it’s something. Still catch him with porn and cry myself to sleep because i just want him to be with me.
We decide to have a baby when i’m 38. My sex drive during pregnancy is high. I miscarry at 8wks….he blames sex. Tells me to take advantage of “morning wood” bacause he’s having ED due to feeling resposible for the sex that caused a miscarriage.
Got pregnant after 8 months of struggling with impotence.
Thought if we had a successful pregnancy, he’d come around.
No sex at all. Hugs, held hands when in public…but that’s it. After birth i waited for 5 months. Nothing. Still on his porn chat sites. I call it quits. He wants to work it out. We go to therapy. I discovered that he was raped repeatedly by a male family member over the course of three years. The abuse started when he 18. Who allows themself to be repeatedly drugged by the same person over and over when you have your own apartment to return to? Or am i a shitty person for blaming the victim?
Supposedly he’s no longer into porn, but he struggles with ED and only wants to use hands. I’m bored and feel shitty about being bored.
All the lies over the years have made him so unattractive to me. But I feel so shitty for this at the same time. I have no idea what to do.
I just turned 24 and married my wife when I was 21. She’s two years older than me and we were dating for over 4 years during high school/college. I joined the military and she went to law school. Through all the stresses and separations, we stayed completely loyal, completely happy, and very much in love. While we dated, sex was amazing. Before we had a house, we would do it in the back seat of my 2 door car, “play” in the back of the movie theater, and in her college dorm room or my military dorm, we’d never get off of each other, always trying new things and making tons of love. Now that I’ve left the military and begun med school and she has her career as a lawyer, we are finally buying a house and living together year round. I thought this was going to be the absolute best marriage ever but I don’t know what has happened.
It’s been months since we’ve been intimate. I can’t even makeout without her pushing me away. I still randomly buy her flowers, open the car door for her, do chores around the house, help out her elderly grandmother, etc and she acts like I’m just her roommate. She always has a different excuse as to why she doesn’t want to be intimate and I have started pleading and begging for fulfilment to no avail. It feels like this change just happened over night with no warning. We are both still very young, attractive, smart, athletic, and I’m still VERY sexually driven. We don’t have any kids (neither of us want kids), only dogs and we’re both active at the gym and live very social lives together.
I feel like I’ve been cheated, scammed, and lied to. I promised to love her forever when we took our vows but is she even the same person since she’s changed so drastically? Is this a phase that I need to tough out or is this the start of a dead marriage that I’ll hate for the rest of my life? Should I keep trying and waiting for her or should I get out now so I can use the best years of my life actually enjoying life with someone who satisfies me and makes me feel desired? I miss the passion, fire, and spark. I see extremely beautiful and sexy women smile at me at the gym, dog park, hiking trails, and at my school yet I clench my ring and ignore them so I can stay loyal to a roommate who’s name is on my marriage license.
She says she loves me and I genuinely believe she does. We make a great team and I’ve never had a better friend. But I didn’t put a ring on her soley because of our friendship and compatibility. I married her for her friendship, compatibility, passion, desire for me, how she satisfied me physically and mentally, and how being away from her just excited me to come home to her. Now when I’m away, I find myself sitting in my car on my phone trying to find somewhere to go other than back to her. Sleeping next to her sexy hourglass figure is torturous since I know it’s completely mine but I can’t even touch it. Am I justified in cheating, or should I go through having to tell our families that we’re getting divorced because she won’t “let me in”? If I stick with her, will I find out in 20 years that she’s asexual and I’ve wasted my life?
I’m a 24 year old, prior spec ops, doctor in the making, with a 6-pack and have a decent personality so I know I’m fairly marketable. I know she isn’t holding out because I’m unattractive, or a jerk, and she’s never had any kind of sexual trauma. While we dated I could make her orgasm two, three, four, six times in one session, and we could do many sessions in a single night.
I feel like a sports car that’s being kept in the garage as my tires rot and engine collects dust. For the first time in my life I actually feel depressed and now know the meaning of sexual frustration. While many of the comments above talk about being sexless for years or even decades, my few months probably seems laughable. I guess when it goes from 2-4 times per day to absolute zero, cold turkey, it’s hitting me hard. I don’t know if I’m just being over dramatic or impatient, but I do know that I am not happy in my young marriage right now. Why be married if the marriage is depressing? Why stay loyal to your marriage contract if it was signed because of false advertising?
I don’t know what to do…
I haven’t been in your situation but being a marriage that has no sex has it’s compensations. You have a loving wife and a great friend which is very important. But having said that, if you need intimate relations with her and she won’t come across so to speak, you need to find someone who will. I have been in a sexless marriage for over 38 years and though it didn’t matter to me before, I find I need the intimacy now. I get cuddles and kisses but really nothing else. He was never really into sex either but if you have talked to her about it and told her exactly what you have put in this post and she is not willing to change, then you do have to get out of the marriage if you can and maybe stay friends with her. You have no commitments with her apart from her marriage with you. No kids yet so that is a good thing. If you had kids it would be a different story. I have heard too many times people staying together for their kids. That is a mistake. You end up a bitter person in the end if you are not getting something that is very important to you. Take it from someone who loves their partner (otherwise I wouldn’t have stayed with him this long) and who wants to stay married to him but has to cheat to get the sexual attention they need with someone in the same situation as me (and there are many like that believe me). If you don’t want to be in the same situation as me, find someone who will give you the attention you need. Don’t waste your time trying to make her do something she’s not interested in giving you. You will end up cheating in the end. I have heard of people who are not interested in sex giving their spouses permission to have sex with someone else so they don’t have to be bothered by them.
Glad I found this site. I am quite conflicted and have been for long time. My wife and I (both 32) are high-school sweethearts and together for 15 years total. We now have a two and a half year old who is a sweet wonderful boy. We both are very good parents I believe overall and for the most part make a good “team”. My problems have already stemmed from my wife’s low energy/libido (made worse after the birth of our son and a medical condition).
Its definitely not bad like some of the comments made here (sex less than a few times a year or worse). We typically have sex at least once a week for the most part. My issues are more-so:
-I can tell shes not really into it / not aroused a lot of the times we do have sex
-One position is all she really wants
-No foreplay or feeling like she is excited to instigate sex with me
-“lets get it over with” vibe most of the time.
-She is very ticklish/sensitive skin which doesn’t help
-I dont feel like she usually wants to kiss me deeply/make out like we used to
-Sometimes if she can tell I am aroused she will just sort of take off and leave me hanging. She has apologized for this and explains she is simply just too exhausted and has no desire for me at all, but it still hurts.
-I am quite shy still and have a hard time asking for what I want, communication is not my forte which probably makes it all worse so i typically just wait for her to initiate as I typically just assume shes not interested.
I love her but its hard to feel energized/fully committed when I have been sexually dissatisfied for a long time.I have always been a tall attractive man and have been hit on multiple times over the past decade but never acted on it. Recently I met someone younger at the bar who definitely desires me and I also feel that energy/spark towards her. I then did something I have never done before and I met with her recently for lunch. She also recently left a relationship where she didn’t feel sexually satisfied and neglected. She is really into me and I would love to experience intimacy with her. I feel trapped due to our young son, combined finances, close families and close circle of friends. Just not sure if I will ever be truly happy however if I do not have the deep physical/sexual connection with my wife or feel like that will ever materialize.
I feel guilty because I still am having sex and I know my wife would like to have more energy. It also doesn’t help that I am a poor communicator and pull away emotionally when I am frustrated. However part of me fees like If I simply stay in the marriage I will never be truly happy in life, and will I regret never finding out with the new girl I met how incredible it could be to connect with her. Could she be the person I can really connect to (physically but also emotionally because the desire-sexuality is more closely aligned). Its an overall awful spot to be in when my wife and I for the most part are a good team, are raising a wonderful son and I know my wife is 100% loyal and would support me through anything.
It seems to me that the women in sexless marriages should find the men in sexless marriages – and all just switch partners! Of course, this is silly. The truth is, marriage is hard and it take work. I’m in a sexless marriage as a man and I hate it, but I know that with courage, love, respect, and hard work, we can work it out. Some of the problem with my wife is childhood sexual trauma as well as some physical/health challenges. But sexual intimacy can be accomplished ways outside of coitus.
We’re approaching our 10 year anniversary this year. I’m 34, and I haven’t had sex in at least two years. There was a 2 year gap before that, too. We have a 6 year old son, but to make him, I seriously had to schedule exact dates and times with my husband for sex. I used to cry a lot over being rejected by my husband, but I also used to put myself out there. I would attempt to seduce him and fail. Even on the super rare occasions that we do have sex, there is no foreplay, not even kissing. That means I don’t even get aroused, and it’s not a fun experience. We have talked about it, always my bringing it up, and he always says he will do better. Yet, he never tries to start anything with me.
At this point, I have lost all physical attraction to him, and I feel resentful. At the same time, he supports our family, and I am grateful for that.
I try not to dwell on it, but I also don’t know if I can live the rest of my life like this.
Misery loves company. I was glad to find similar stories on here, even if I’m sorry for what you’re going through!
I have a very similar situation, but on the opposite end. We are also approaching our 10 year anniversary this year, she is 36, I am 44. We have been together for 14 years.
I have been rejected by my wife for intimate contact for almost 1 year now, with multiple excuses. We are both healthy, fit and attractive people. We have 2 wonderful kids, 6 and 4 years old, who mean the world to me.
This started last year, when my wife started acting very strangely with me, being more angry, irritated, picking up fights at small things, disrespecting me, my feelings and my family, putting me through hell.
Soon after that, after a lot of painful confrontations and discussions, she came to me admitting she was having an affair with her old boyfriend from before our marriage (who is also married and has kids). She denied having had any intimate physical contact with him, but, I highly doubt that’s true.
To cut things short, it took me a lot of effort to resist divorcing her, although she wanted to leave me at the beginning. But I was thinking of our 2 wonderful kids, who would be devastated. After a lot of drama, she came back to me, apologizing, and asking to take her back, which I did, because I wanted to save the family.
After that, the dry spell started, she was emotionally away from me, just doing her duties as a mother and housewife perfectly, except for intimacy, sexual and emotional. I can say she is a wonderful mother and manages the family almost perfectly, but there is no more true emotional connection with me. It feels more like living as brother and sister.
I have tried several times to remedy this, tried to initiate intimacy, trying to kiss her on the lips, but have been met either with her turning her cheek to me, or by faking the kiss.
Sexually, I am suffering. I am tired of ignoring my sex drive, shutting it down. Nowadays, whenever I see other women around me, I am starting to feel the need to let go to the temptation, and just enjoy my life, before I get too old for this.
I am sacrificing my life for the sake of the kids, but inside me, I am truly suffering, feeling down, being ignored, and its eating me from inside. I don’t know how much longer I can hold on.
Should I give in to cheating, or should i be honest about it and confront her with this?
My wife and I have been together for 27 years, and married for 14. I’m 49, and we have an 11 year old daughter. For the past 8 years we’ve gone without sex or sleeping in the same bed…..she sleeps in our daughter’s room. Before that, we would have sex 2-3x per year at most, and only slightly more than that before our daughter was born. She is a good person and we have allot in common, but we do fight regularly. I work 2 jobs and she is a stay at home mom. We never go out on date nights because she doesn’t want to get a sitter or says it’s too expensive, although we can more than afford it. She also does not want to do therapy, as I’ve bright it up a few times. She has lots of friends through our daughter, and goes out socially during the week with other moms. I, on he other hand, don’t. I am very lonely.
My second job is teaching, and I have met another instructor. She makes me feel so alive, and recently she told me that she is very attracted to me physically. I admitted that I was to her as well. This is the first time this has happened in 27 years. I do not want to hurt my wife and, more importantly, my daughter. But I cannot stop thinking about this other woman. We teach similar sections, so we need to meet, email, and text regularly…. although we do more because of the attraction. Honestly, I want to be intimate with her very very much, but I know what that will mean. I’m so sad and lonely. Help.
So whats the big deal about being in a sexless marriage, it is what it is. People spend money trying to figure it out and doctor’s make money. Who ever is at fault doesn’t make a difference. He or she probably will never change! And the individual who is at fault doesn’t really know why they feel the way they do.
I’m in a sexless marriage and have been for about 35 years, and I really don’t know why it all started. No one had the right answers, so I accepted the out come. The wife had to make a choice stay, move on or cheat, I didn’t care one way or the other. She stayed and it was probably a bad choice but that’s her decision. I disappointed her but thats in the past, move on life doesn’t get any shorter.
We stopped talking to each other years ago, now there is no arguing.
Life is hard for people between working long hours, money problems and just everyday hardship. People expect more than you can put out depression sets in, ulcers, blood pressure go’s up, cholestrol go’s up and your on pills you couldn’t get it up if you tried and then sex is expected. That is not going to work! Sexless is what it is, accept it and move on.
You sound like a loser, a non-man. I really really hope your wife has a boyfriend. It sure as hell would not be “cheating.”
I might be a loser but at least I admit it, most people would try and hide. It is what it is and always will be. I’m not broken hearted and never will be. Now as for her cheating I wouldn’t know nor do I care, I would never try and stop her. We live as different people except for money and property. I personally enjoy being in my single style life and living away from her. I think she had a hysterectomy years ago, I’m not sure. So when your 75 now and nothing work’s like it use to and your taking all these pills I take who cares.
Been married one year now and I already want a divorce. We had a shot gun courthouse marriage because I got pregnant, and our relationship was shaky. But we had sex. Really great sex.
He didn’t want to get intimate on our wedding night because he had laundry to do early the next day. And then throughout the pregnancy he openly said I was fat, he didn’t want to have sex becsuse it grossed him out but he’d start again when I had the baby. Our baby girl is 6 months old now and still no intimacy.
It’s not just the sex. He doesn’t talk to me either. Or text me. He stays out all night. Turns off his phone. Swears he isn’t cheating. Gets high. Comes home, ignores me and sleeps. And when he is Home awake and sober, he’s playing video games or running around helping his father or sisters with random shit. Never stopping for a moment to notice me.
He says he loves me but I feel invisible and used. I feel like I threw my life away on half a man. He doesn’t even try to please me. And when I try to bring up how I feel he dismisses me, raises his voice, he works too hard to deal with my complaining. Lately I want to just run away or cheat or do something stupid but I have to take care of my baby. I married a piece of shit and I bought all his lies during the relationship.
Anyone reading this; look for warning signs and listen to your gut. If you feel you can find someone better, even in the slightest during the dating phase, no matter how the sex is or how they make you feel or the promises they make you run away as fast as you can. Trust your gut or you’ll end up like me.
My wife tells me she cant decide if she wants to be in the marriage anymore. And she has no energy for sex. We have kids. She has asked me to be patient with her, but its two years now. I really want my marriage to work, but I am feeling frustrated and confused. Some woman do not understand how damaging withholding sex in a marriage can be. tweet
I saw a lot of talk in here about opening up marriages and being monogomish and so forth. I’d like to offer up some advice from my own experience, and a lot of time spent reading and listening to Dan Savage (shout out Savage Love!!).
OPENING YOUR MARRIAGE IS NOT A SOLUTION…JUST LIKE GETTING A DOG IS NOT A SOLUTION TO WHY YOU DON’T JOG/EXERCISE.
This should never be an ultimatum, and is something people who genuinely need this and enjoy it should do. It’s also something you don’t do unless you’re relationship is solid and you can both be comfortable in negotiating clear boundaries and rules. And YES, you need to establish rules and boundaries.
The sex is a fruiting body of your passion for each other. That passion comes from something deep and is manfest in physical interaction, and flirtying, and however else all you freaks wanna be freaky. But if the sex slows, check in with your partner and get on the level with them. It could just be physiology changing with age, but if all is well with their mental and physical well being and sex stops all together or comes to a crawl..that’s most likely a problem with your interactions on a micro and macro level.
My advice is use the lack of your sex needs being met as a way to start this conversation, but don’t let it be a spot light or the driving issue. And PLEASE don’t use it to guilt your partner. I know it feels good to let them share in your pain, but that is a wedge maneuver and the for some is the point of no return.
In the end, you’re not a victim. If you decide to stay in a sexless marriage than you chose to pay that “price of admission” to be in that relationship. Your kids don’t want you to be unhappy so stop using them or whatever else as an excuse. Take ownership for your sexual and mental well being.
I’m a 49 year old male, fit and good looking. I’ve been in a sexless marriage (no sex at all) for 7 years. We have an 11 year old daughter. In addition to no sex, we haven’t slept in the same bed for 10 years. At first my wife was sleeping in the bed with my daughter, while I was on a twin in the same room. And now, for the past 2 years, my wife is sleeping in our daughter’s room on a trundle bed. I sleep alone in ther other bedroom. My wife does not work, so I am reluctant to get a divorce as i don’t know how she will support herself. She’s a really good person and I love her like a really great friend, but I feel our relationship is over. I’m considering asking for a separation and keep paying all the bills for the house, etc, while still moving out.
I met someone else. We have not slept together, but both of us want to. I don’t want to cheat on my wife, but I also want to be happy and fulfilled. I had resigned myself to having no intimacy in my life. Now I feel I have awoken and want to do what is best for my happiness.
Wife came in from her retirement party (62) ,As she walked in the door she looked at me and said NO MORE SEX IN THIS HOUSE . LOL I though out side ,in yard ,car ,truck in the little cabin , But no . NO , none , I tried for 8 years beg ask ,pleaded ,Wine ,dined and spent more than I should have .Jan 1 of this year .I packed my dudes and split . Now she ask WHY? What did I do ? . I love sex . Might be 68 yo but I can keep up with a lot of youngsters , No brag just fact .Ask my girlfriend I to.
should have done the divorce thing 10 years ago .End of rant
I have been married for 10 years. sex life was almost always a month. then had a gap of almost 4 years, absolutely no sex. then for 2 months i forced him to make an effort. once a week. he watched porn before coming in, so that he can get it over with. broke my heart. so i stopped pestering him. nothing since then. its been almost 4 years again. after 7 years of my marriage, i cheated. I am still with my husband. I am not in love with my lover, but love the feeling that he wants me, the passion and physical intimacy. I even spoke to my husband about open marriage but he is not ok with. I am stuck in this where i am unable to decide anything. to be in a sexless marriage…. feels like a looooooooooongggg life. I know cheating is wrong and spark wont last forever. but the craving for physical intimacy is so strong that i keep going back to him. I just dont know what to do.
My husband of 3 years has rejected even the slightest notion of a threesome, so I know for a fact that he would not allow us to open our marriage. We haven’t been intimate sexually since our first year of marriage, and then he cheated on me. He says he can’t forgive himself, thus cannot comfortably have sex with me because he resents himself.
I want to cheat on him. I do. But at the end of the day I just want him to be happy, and he has made it perfectly clear that he is codependent to me, in his own words.
I am a 22 year old man with his whole life ahead of him, my husband 21, and I cannot continue to go without intimacy. I provide for him in every aspect of his life, I pay the bills, I work 2 jobs to support us, and he plays video games. Not that there’s anything wrong with video games, hell I enjoy a good game of GTA from time to time, but I can’t help feeling used and unwanted when he pushes away my advances.
Other men find me attractive, I’m the stereotypical “boy next door” type who turns quite a few heads, just not my husband’s. An open marriage would be helpful, if I was allowed to do so. But if I do so much as to hug another man and my husband finds out? He’s threatened suicide in the past. I, like you “forced”, am stuck going back home at the end of the day to a man who loves me, but does not show affection in any way, shape, or form.
I have been married for almost a decade and it has been nearly sexless for the entire time. Turned down on our wedding night and avoided for most of our honeymoon except for the one time she allowed sex out of guilt and pity. (She actually said to me that she felt guilty for depriving me and felt sorry for me.) Since then, sex has always happened less than monthly and we don’t have any children due to the infrequency. In the early years, I even thought about suicide. Divorce is financially impossible so there’s nothing left for me to do but wait out the rest of my life. I stopped caring about my health so hopefully I can reduce my testosterone levels and with that, my sex drive. Hopefully I don’t have a long life. The thought of spending retirement with someone who doesn’t desire me is more depressing. All this could have been prevented if only I had ignored my family and church. I waited for marriage and it was the biggest mistake in my life.
I’m a 22 female in a committed heterosexual relationship. My boyfriend will not have sex with me. I’ve tried lingerie, toys, dirty talk, threesomes, bdsm, I’ve tried trying nothing! He wont touch me. We’ve been together just over 2 years and sex has always been a bit of a problem. He never really wants to and when I finally convince or guilt him into it, he’ll pump me for 5 minutes, no foreplay or intimacy, then roll off without climaxing, claiming he’s tired. He tells me I’m beautiful, that he loves me and finds me sexy; but he doesn’t act on it. There was more sex at the start, but now there’s none. I think 3 months it’s been now. I cry myself to sleep most nights, wishing I was more desirable to him. I know I could cheat, I’m very attractive to other men and women. But I really don’t want to, I would hate to break his trust like that. But I need sex, I’m always so hot, tweaking my nipples at work and fancying guys that are not usually my type. Hot desperation between my legs leaves me feeling weak and flushed. It’s only 2 years in, I’m only 22. Do I leave him? Do I stay and learn to live with it? I can’t…
I too am 22 in a sexless marriage. My husband (we’re gay) no longer wishes to have sex with me either, and I too find myself given every opportunity to cheat. I’m starting to debate whether or not I should take up another man’s offer of having my company for a while, because like you, I have tried EVERYTHING to get him to touch me again, to no avail. We’re young, we should be enjoying ourselves!
I was in a marriage that had no intercourse for years due to health, but he was still intimate and pleasured me. Not recognizing depression was the cause of that stopping thought our marriage was over, moved on to another relationship before diorce papers were even signed a longtime friend. Regretted it, and not giving God a chance to fix the marriage. Reunited, love life was great, and then he passed away. Told my current husband, my drive is strong and needs are high and he was meeting those needs at the beginning. His desire slowed, he didn’t initiate often, all of a sudden touching, tasting me, using his tongue to kiss or lick me at all much less my multiple erogenous zones stopped. Did have a brief time during high risk pregnancy where I couldn’t have sex, but even though I couldn’t desire was still there. it was non existent, worked on it, prayed about it and it improved, he tries to give me a little clitoral stimulation to get some release, and I can come multiple times but not reach releasing orgasm. He gives birthday oral and Christmas and mothers day, but I have to beg and am made to feel disgusting. I also squirt often which he has made me feel gross in doing. I am overweight, the same size as when I lost the baby and I was 4 months pregnant, with hormone and thyroid issues can not change weight gain or lose. kisses are short and abrupt not passionate. Never complimentsalmost never except when I ask, more compliments from strangers The one thing we had was intercourse, and he brought me orgasm vaginally. Unfortunately sex is back but he is almost always done in 30 to 60 seconds, He cuddles and snuggles great, and has started grabbing but or boobs and looking some again, but it is so unsatisfying even though it is there when there was almost none. I have tried to suggest counseling, introduced toys, and ultimately turn to masturbation and even porn which I don’t want I want it within my marriage. I just went out of town and enjoyed the compliments and being made to feel desired. Now today a friend of ours basically said he would want me if I as available at least that’s what I think he was saying. I promised not to ever make that mistake again, and my husband promised is drive was that strong. Now he has had health issues, that make me worried to try to press for more, but 30 seconds of initiated by me is not the intimacy much less the physical satisfaction I crave and I was honest about at the beginning. then it is a few times a week if im lucky. I was tempted today, not because of any feeling for this person, I truly just consider him as a friend, but he is in a no longer physical relationship, and mine is not looking like it will improve and I was tempted. I had a wish that I we could just take care of our needs and not have it affect anything, but I know it almost always destroys a marriage, it is not God’s plan for me, and I am a person of my word except for my one lapse. I thought I would never be tempted again, but am praying because I want to feel wanted, desired, and satisfied, and do not feel it will ever happen. Be careful saying go ahead and cheat, it is the easy and selfish thing to do, but praying I have strength to do the right thing. Feeling guilty for even thinking it, especially as I was at the no sex almost and should be grateful but horny, frustrated, and trying to take care of my needs mastrubating again. Praying your relationships work out.
I’m suffering. I have been married three years and we have had sex four times since we got married. I feel like a fool. I’m in a same sex marriage. Lesbian bed death is real. We have been to therapy and she swears it’s not me but there is always an excuse. I feel lonely and worthless. I’m 43 and feel like my sex life is over. This is my third marriage so needless to say I don’t want to start over again. My first two marriages were with men that I didn’t want to have sex with. Maybe this is my payback. The loneliness is heartbreaking and overwhelming.
An exclusive services contract is one where two parties agree that one person will provide services exclusively for another in return for valuable consideration. An implied term in every exclusive services contract is that the person acquiring the other’s services will, in fact, use the other’s services. Thus, if I contract with a painter to provide services only to my painting business, I am impliedly promising to provide jobs for that painter to work on. If I don’t, I cannot expect that painter to starve to death honoring the contract that I am breaching by not providing him any work.
Marriage is an exclusive services contract. The parties agree to have sex with no one other than their spouse. The obviously implied promise is that they will actually have sex with each other. No one can reasonably expect their spouse to be sex starved because their spouse just decides they don’t want to get busy anymore. Is divorce justified for denial of marital favors? ABSOFRICKINGLUTELY. The party denying marital favors has violated the implied promises of the marital contract and breached the duty of good faith and fair dealing that is a part of every contract. If you are being denied and have tried everything from communicating to counseling and your partner is just not willing to fix it, well, find a good divorce lawyer because being single and sexless is a hell of a lot less painful than being married and constantly rejected by someone you love.
The biggest reason for cheating is a lack of emotional connection or the feeling that you’re not appreciated by your partner as much as you deserve. Anyone could resort to cheating as a way to getting everything they lack where they are person even if it means going out of the relationship to achieve that. From an evolutionary perspective, a tendency for an individual to commit an infidelity stems from an attempt to increase the reproductive success at the expense of their partners.
read this on another website about sexless marriage. it said that when one spouse refuses to have sex because they may simply don’t need it, the other spouse has or will have an unusually large amount of temptations placed before him/her and may succumb to falling into temptation because that spouse can no longer hold back and needs some sexual release. That is about where I am at now at 19 years of marriage.
I have only been marriage since Feb 2017 and found myself in a sexless marriage. This is not what I expected. I feel like I was tricked and he falsely advertised himself in that area. I have tried everything and nothing is working. We tried having sex twice but unsuccessfully and foreplay once, this was last year. There has been valid reasons that we did not have sex especially for this year but that has been resolved. I tried talking to him about it. Took him to a doctor and turns out everything is fine with him. My pathetic self always tries to initiate sex …..He ends up falling asleep on me. Other than sex everything else is great in our marriage. Divorce and cheating are not an option. I just wished I could figure out how to stop caring about the sex part How do I mourn and accept the lost that I will never have sex with a man again…..and not let it eat at me anymore.
According to the Bible, in a marriage, sex is a right not a privilege.
Its simple, women have ALL the power. I have been in a sexless marriage for 20+ years. The kids were young when it started and I couldn’t afford the 57K per year alimony and child support, when I only may 62K per year. If I had been a woman, i could walk away and have a good life while my husband paid for EVERYTHING!!!!. Now the kids are grown, but now she wants the house, the cars & all of my retirement up front. I should have sucked it up 20 years ago and left. I could have filed bankruptcy and moved out of the country. Its really time for this insanity in family court to stop!
Hello!!
I’m 29 and so is my husband, we had been married only a year. “Honeymoon stage” everyone will say. Well not our story! A year of marriage and 6 months without any intimacy. I really don’t understand, when we were dating he was pretty sexual, to the point I wanted a break. I consider myself very sexual as well and I have been active in my last years. But then I got married and I don’t know what happened????? I discovered he’s been addicted to porn for years, even when we weren’t together. I been totally open minded. I offered to please any Fantastic of his, I thought we are married now everything is posible, we need to have fun together and nobody can judge us. I even told him we could try threesomes or videos etc…. just anything in order to bring us back together. We are young, this shouldn’t be happening. But nothing has changed. He listens and he just stays quite, he looks at me like very conservative but I know he is mind is wild sexually.
I so tired and I know it is probably is soon to give up. But now the situation is damaging me I feel ugly, not desire I honestly feel I’m wasting my young years and I don’t like that thought. He is sweet and his heart is big and very sencitive, sometimes I feel if I ask for the divorce I will hurt him bad. My if this is only the first year I don’t want to imagine the future. We don’t have any kids yet. It is really hard to understand, I don’t approach him anymore I don’t fell like touching him I’m so frustrated I’m afraid I’m falling out of love. Which is nuts.
Well unfortunately nowadays many women enjoy having sex with other women instead which is real fact by the way. Well that certainly explains why so many women now are either gay and or bi to begin with.
I’m 31 years old been married for 10 years now. Married my high school sweetheart she’s been the only woman I’ve ever been with and we have two amazing kids. We have a great relationship but with no intimacy. I’ve done all I can, she says she loves me and I feel like I am an attractive person I take her out buy her flowers and chocolates and nothing. She says I’m being selfish by requesting this after doing nice things for her but I’m at a lost. Haven’t had sex in months and this is constant. She’s a great mother and wife but I feel miserable. I’ve started masturbating and watching porn but feel horrific afterwards. Every time I confront her about my frustration she’s has an excuse and I feel like I try being understanding but to what end. We’re both in great physical shape and are young and attractive I don’t know what to do!
I’ve been reading alot of threads on various different websites about this major issue that is unfortunately dividing us. It has occurred to me that this disparity is more common than we care to admit on both sides of the sexes. I would say from what I have read so far is that it is a more prevalent experience from a males perspective, largely due to the complexities of womens libidos declining after child birth and the preceding years up to premenopause and menopause.Let’s take this word and look at it closely- men o pause ; this could be taken to mean ‘men take pause’ sexually as your partner transforms physically. Many men acknowledge these among other sensitive points in a womens life like child birth as abstinent periods of sexual intercourse-not necessarily intimacy which comes in many forms and does not have to be in the form of intercourse. I think that women feel as though any form of intimacy will lead to intercourse and for this reason they abstain entirely so as to head it off at the pass. This leaves men in a frustrated position with their needs wants and desires being unfulfilled. They then turn to the net with an unlimited supply of porn which exposes them to women performing acts on men that the viewer can’t actually believe has taken place, over time with continued exposure to this form of stimulation we become desensitised to sex and intimacy, not quite understanding why our partners can’t and simply won’t perform the same acts on us as that we are viewing on a now regular basis. The frustration is only exacerbated when constant rejection occurs from you and we resign ourselves to accepting that this will become our new normal for gratification and eventually we give up initiating or instigating intimacy. Then comes the situation of team management or roommates- just staying together for the sake of the children and not wanting to upset the applecart and destroy the family unit. For some of you out there its too late and you need to determine if there is any possible way back or is it irreparable, in which case you need to ask yourself what it is you are willing to do about it -accept it or move on after open discussion with your partners and subsequently covering all professional avenues available. It is your life and I see it as not to be wasted should you crave the attention that you so deeply desire in what ever form that it comes in. If there is one thing for certain we need to learn from all of our mistakes and teach others particularly the younger generation how best to deal with what might lie ahead. For a start I think the dating sites should all include a persons libido on a ratings system. Like 1-20 allowing daters to truly understand where the individual is at and can be better matched with a like minded potential partner. Level 1 would be, not really that interested in sexual intimacy would consider myself to be asexual.
All the way to 20 being I think about it all the time, need it every day preferably multiple times a day at least first thing in the morning and definitely at night, love fellacio both giving and receiving, vaginal and anal penetration etc etc. I think this way individuals can be better matched. I think the entire male population would see themselves in the late teens heading towards 20 on the scale as most of us are just wired this way and would be looking for a potential partner with a similar libido. At least this way we can minimise future mismatches that I have sadly been reading about on both gender sides. Life is rather short and we all deserve to be happy, open up to your partners and spell out in no uncertain terms what it is that you want from life and your relationship that is going to make you happy. If you not in agreeance then some soul searching will be required and some tough decisions required to be made in order for you to get what you want from the remainder of your lives. Just remember that you are not alone in the way your feeling and it can be rectified.
I was listening to one of the speakers of “Metoo movement” and she said that the women have topped what they are doing right now, in other words, she said they want to get married and then that’s finished and they second shelf there husband, All the time. It’s like She’s got Her way and notched the husband to “l want you (husband), to do all those chores and were a chastity device and there’s No sex for you!”
He complains to Her…
We’ve lived these five years and the sex has gone down the tubes and i can not live in a sexless marriage, he says that if We don’t have sex in somewhat of semi regular basis i going to leave, This will be a sign of RAPE!!
I believe It!!!
Think about it…
The writers name is Karen Straughan “Metoo feminists’ male chastity kcrusade”.
Tony
Some of these posts express much pain, because of their length, alone! Coming from a religious background, sex before marriage was a “no-no”, so if you were involved, marriage was required to keep continue the relationship. That approach resulted in two divorces, as you become aware that a woman may use sex to “get you”, then finds a reason to withhold, after getting married.
The third marriage is to an actual 49 year old virgin, with no sex before marriage. Okay – but now there’s not much sex AFTER marriage. Needless to say, it can’t be blamed on children or a busy career, cause there is neither.
I’m starting to believe that it’s a set-up for a husband to cheat so a divorce will then be in order!
I am 37 and my wife is 42. We have been married 10 years and do not have any kids. She has recently told me that she has no desire for sex and I just need to accept it. She used to tell me that’s all I think about and all I care about. I lost my virginity to her when I was 27. Our sex life was awesome in the beginning but as soon as we got married it started to go down hill. I started to get the usual excuses…my head, back or hip hurts Im too tired blah blah blah. I would say I got rejected 9 times out of 10. She once rejected me then cried because her ex bf who she talked about all the time got kicked out of his gf’s house and was sleeping on his friends couch. Then she tells me I know you don’t want to hear this but I still love him. I should have left then. The more she rejected me the less I tried which is basically what she wanted. For the last two years we have been down to once or twice a month. Now just like you flip a switch its over. I feel powerless. We have gotten into many arguments over the years Ive made my feelings clear and nothing changes. Ive asked to go to counseling and she makes up excuses not to go. I think she has a lot of daddy issues and trauma from past relationships and somehow im paying for it. Her parents are divorced and her father was abusive to her mother both physically and emotionally. Her father used leave and not tell them where he was going and they didn’t know when he was coming back. Because of this she has abandonment issues. The thing that I don’t understand is that we were friends for a while before we started dating and I didn’t see her as anything more than that because she was older than me. She put in a lot of time and effort to convince me to give her a chance and I finally did not really thinking it would last. I fell in love with her and I fell hard! I moved in with her and we started planning our wedding. When I moved in with her I started to see a different side of her. She was very impatient and moody. Wasn’t big on compromise. She lived on her own for 10 years and wanted everything her way. When I would put my foot down she would project and say that I expected her to be the submissive wife when in reality she wanted me to be a submissive husband. We in fact are very opposite in a lot of ways. I am very patient she is not. I am very laid back she is high strung. I am very easy going sometimes she can be very difficult. I let here have her way 99% of the time. When I put my foot down it turns into a big argument and I usually give in for the sake of peace. I am a very sexual person she is not. She can get so mad about something that she throws a tantrum like a 12 year old. I very rarely get mad, she flies off the handle over everything. It seems like all I do is listen to her complain about her job but yet she never does anything to try and find a new one. She is overly sensitive and takes everything the wrong way. She is emotionally needy. I feel like theres not enough reassurance I could possibly give her to make her feel better about herself. Shes had body issues our whole marriage. No matter how many times I compliment her it changes nothing. I used to give her compliments and she would tell me Im crazy so I stopped giving them. She told me she doesn’t give me a lot of compliments because she doesn’t want my head to get to big. If I walked in the room when she was naked she acted like she was my sister. Shes extremely territorial when it comes to other women but gives me the cold shoulder. I do at least 50% of the chores around the house cooking cleaning etc. I even cut her grandmothers grass in the summer and I cant even get a blowjob in return. When I complain she gives me a guilt trip and says if you don’t want to do it then don’t. She says you don’t do nice things just to expect something nice in return. I agree but something in return every once in a while would be nice. I send her flowers to work randomly for no reason and yet im told im not romantic enough. I do things around the house in the hopes that she will want to have sex with me but that just frees up time for her to do other things. Shes spent the whole marriage making everybody and everything else a priority and takes me for granted. Im to the point that if I don’t want to do something I don’t. I think deep down inside she feels like she doesn’t feel like she deserves to be loved and shes been sabotaging this marriage so when I leave she can sit and feel sorry for herself. She has a cat that she constantly worries about. She has to check on the cat 45 times before she walks out the door. the cat gets more attention then I do then she complains im always on my phone. She does all these nice things for people and then when I complain about her they act like im the crazy one. they tell me how lucky I am, they don’t know the other half of her. When I finally do get up the courage to leave I will be the bad guy. I have put up with all of this and now the only thing that has kept me from not losing my mind she has been taken away. Ive decided to take my power back. I started a diet and joined the gym. I need to get back into shape and become the man I always wanted to be. I need to stop depending on her to make me happy and she needs to do the same. Im going to stop putting my life on the back burner. if I want to do something and she doesn’t too bad stay home. Im going to try counseling but I doubt it will work. If the counselor says something she doesn’t want to hear she will get defensive and say they are wrong.
This is a subject that’s been on my mind for some time. I’m working on getting over the anger after recently talking to my spouse about this. Not sure I can.
Sexuality, sex even, is a part of the pact of marriage. Many of your vows wether spoken or implied are exchange vows. That vow reflects the spoken or experiential agreement you entered into at the beginning of this pact. But those vows don’t mean that anyone owes the other sex or for that matter fidelity, it means that you agree to be responsible towards your partners sexuality. What you owe your partner is that responsibility.
That exchange vow, that responsibility, is essentially: “to have and to hold, forsaking all others”. This states that you will both continue to be engaged intimate and sexual partners and only have each other in that engagement. Now this doesn’t mean that you should have sex with your partner if you don’t want to. It means that you have to take responsibility for any end of or change in the arrangement. To not do so is in fact being unfaithful to both your vows and your partner. So, if you find that sex is no longer a need or a want for you, it is your responsibility to make sure that it is dealt with. To simply abandon your partner without taking this responsibility is mean, immoral, it’s most likely a breaking of your vows (and in an aggressive and intentional way), and it’s a terrible thing to do to a person you are supposed to love. You must consider the profound lack of compassion you must feel for the love of your life- that isn’t any kind of love I’ve ever heard of.
If you feel that you are done with sex or with your partner, you have a few options. To not engage in these options is actually unethical and morally reprehensible. At the base of that evaluation is that you would be requesting that your partner hold up an agreement while you will not. Forcing someone to practice celibacy to maintain a faithfulness that you are not maintaining is disgusting and again, highly immoral, not to mention, a betrayal.
So, you do have options. You can choose to end the relationship. Clearly there are complications to that and there may be other things that make it worth staying together, but the exchange of sexuality is an essential element in a marital relationship. It is not essential in that you have sex, but that you are honest so as to be in the same place about it, thus allowing your spouse to make informed decisions about your intent and actions.
You can choose to find the attraction and sexuality that is missing. Realize that your partner may be bitter and disinterested at this point, but you can choose to take it on and correct things in a good partnership. Now this doesn’t mean that you’ll buy more KY and get drunk enough to get naked. It means that you will address the issues that keep you from being attracted and interested, and that you will actively look for the things that made you want them in the first place. Now, it’s very possible, even likely that you have both changed since you began your marriage, if your partner has become somehow so unattractive in some way, you have to address that too.
You can choose to have an open marriage. You will have to define for yourselves what that looks like.
Now you might be saying “what’s the big deal about sex”. Aside from it being damn awesome, it’s a beautiful exchange of our most intimate, animal, human, generous, accepting, physical, spiritual (when everything goes well), and passionate selves. And if sex just isn’t a big deal for you, it’s terribly hypocritical to say that your partner having sex with someone else is a big deal. That you aren’t celebrating your partners happiness, yes, sexual happiness too, even if it’s only in you allowing them to have it, you are a little sick . If you are uninterested in making yourself a big part of that exchange, at least open up the options for your partner. Of course, this idea, although seemingly very modern goes back to considering the rather disgusting immorality of expecting faithful celibacy. This quiet open arrangement has been in practice in many cultures since the beginning of marriage. It’s only recently that we’re openly considering this an option for women as well.
So, do something about it because it is your responsibility if you have changed your sexuality. Or don’t do something about it, but in that case , don’t be so naive as to believe your partners will abide by vows that you have not abided by, or at least accept that they are justifiably beginning to loathe you.
I am in a bind I love and am attracted to my wife she say she loves me and is attracted to me . She will have sex with me if I push the issue or she is drunk but she hardly ever I ishiates it or wants to have sex. She tells me she is either to tiered from work (took second job waitress on Friday Saturday nights works mom thru Friday at dr office) or she says to much with kids awake . She used to say things like we never go outf and do stuff her and I , I changed that but never changed the sex life . She says I’m on phone all the time then I stop and she does exactly that she’s on the phone .she willl say I am not doing enough around the house but even when I do she it’s interested . She is more than happy with her life style as she doesn’t pay for house car insurance or anything major but doesn’t treat my need for sex as a important part of our relationship and blames it on everything else (tiered mostly but also stuff I just mentioned) we have gone to counseling to try to help this but nothing came of it but the doctor deciding she was fridged because of sexual abuse as a child witch she confided in me years ago and I have taken this into consideration but that seem to just given her more of it’s okay not to consider my needs as a man. I am not interested in cheating or divorce but am tiered of resenting all the attention she gives her customers as a waitress and st the doctors office then coming home to give me the tiered unierested I need to get ready for tomorrow and have no time for your needs as a man position and then tell me yes I love you and am attracted to you ?? We have a 7 year old 15 and 20 kids and a great family what’s is going on is this how I have to live my life ? I’ve brought this up to he many times and it’s always a explication why she isn’t interested or acts like I’m attacking her by bringing up how I feel but yet she is always explaining how she feels and how things are affecting her with me listening and try to adjust the things that bother her . I don’t know how to get throug to her that I feel neglected last on her list ( not when being taken care of like dinner or the house )but when it comes to sex and intimacy !! She always tells me that I’m wrong that I’m important to her and that she loves me and is attracted to me likes to show me off to her friends and go out with me but doesn’t take into thought how I feel when it comes to sex she thinks because we have kids and life sex goes to the bottom of the list and doesn’t matter if it gets check off or not . We do have sex once a week or once in two weeks and on rare occasions twice a week
Well since my Ex Wife turned out to be a real filthy Whore that i never knew about, which is why a good man like me is still single today since it wasn’t even my fault at all to begin with. And it is very sad when so many women nowadays just need a lot of different men to please their needs which they really are just low life real losers unfortunately as well. Most women just Can’t stay with only one man anymore like they use too in the old days.
Twitter: OMGchronicles
says:
Women couldn’t get a divorce in “the old days,” otherwise they would have left the, too. Marriage and monogamy don’t benefit women.
Dude,
Use this as a learning experience and never, ever marry one of these hypergamous, monkey-branching skanks again. Marriage is great for women and kids but not for you. You can have everything you want and need without signing a contract that gives these cheating whores carte blanche to divorce rape you and take your hard-earned money. As an added plus, if you stay single you will likely have more and much better sex with single women. And go for the younger ladies. The older ones bring absolutely nothing to the table but a jaded, entitled attitude.
It has now been months since my wife and I have had sex or been intimate with each other. We sleep in separate rooms too. I sleep downstairs on the couch while she has the master bedroom. Our children are now grown (one graduating college in may, the other out of college one year). I have had the discussion with my wife several times over our married life (almost 30 years) that I have a high sex drive and need and crave it like breathing air. It’s just a part of my physical being, something I could not change if I wanted to yet despite those conversations, nothing changes.
Lately, (over the past year), she has complained that sex hurts after a bout 20 minutes and when I feel that she is not enjoying it, I’m done too and it really sucks!
I am SO DEPRESSED over it. I got involved with swingers and even had one or two physical encounters with another couple. But even that made me even more sad to see other couples being able to enjoy their sexuality together while I couldn’t even have a regular sexual encounter with my own wife as I now knew that she didn’t enjoy sex. The whole thing really depressed me badly. I then thought of how bad it was to do what I did so I gravitated towards nudism and that is where I am today. Still makes me so sad to meet and see other couples enjoying themselves while I cannot do the same with my own wife. I am 58 and she is 63. I am hwp while she is overweight and will NOT exercise to lose any of it. Don’t get me wrong, she is simply georgeous and HOT but needs to lose about 40 lbs. She calls me names which hurts me. I think that I was a good father raising two beautiful boys and paying all of their college tuition so they wouldn’t have debt yet despite that, I am called narcissistic and a serial cheater.
I am so depressed living this way and feel all alone everyday. I come home and sleep, get up, go to work and come home and go to sleep over and over everyday all by myself and I am become so lonely I can hardly stand it.
I am also scared because I WAS married once before, when I was only 18 and that obviously didn’t last for all the right reasons but it scarred me. I stayed single for 8 years after that before getting married again to my current wife and having kids.
I have no one to talk to and so I hide within myself and my work grabbing what time I can to nude sunbathing as I LOVE the feel of the sun on my skin. My wife thinks I’m weird and will have nothing to do with that either. Any time I bring anything up that relates to sex in any way, I get a dirty look from her which makes me just walk away disgusted and despondent. I am so lonely and long for someone to touch me, caress me, talk to me…….Life just sucks for me.
Are you serious? How self righteous and controlling are you? I feel really sorry for your husband. He is in the exact situation that we are all in and you came here to do what? Justify your behaviour and put yourself on a pedestal? I cannot believe what I have just read from you. Go somewhere else and blow your horn. I am gobsmacked that you would come here and preach your bs.
If your partner doesn’t show you the love you deserve. Dump em. Cheat, and the leave. Fuck it, they don’t deserve any respect.
Glad to have found somewhere with people who understand what im going through.
So….my last relationship was very sexual, at least 4x a day when we were with each other. Probably not a ‘normal’ relationship as deteriorated into emotionally and sexually abusive – but by that time I was hooked on the sex.
He dumped me and a few months later I met now hubby. He was a virgin, and rather small of size but large of body girth (I’m somewhat chunky too although am trying to lose the weight). We never had satisfactory sex (he’d play with me but he could never come with me which I took to be a personal insult). Moved in together a year after meeting, the day after he proposed. One week later my dad was diagnosed with a massive brain tumour and was understandably heartbroken. I’d ask for a hug for comfort and he’d take that to mean I wanted sex, I started pushing him away as sex was the last thing on my mind. We married four months later and never consummated the marriage. Since then he’s never contributed financially or towards housework while I cared for my dad until he died, then my aunt until she died, and now my mum. (I will say that he is good with my mum and can be very kind with her).
He has a poor sense of when’s appropriate to grab me and does so roughly…for example if I make an effort to hug him he can’t resist reaching round to grab my breasts, even if this is the first physical contact we’ve had in weeks/months. We sleep in separate rooms due to how much room he takes up in the bed and his snoring (I’m well aware how much of a bitch I sound).
He’s frequently said my size is the issue where I’ve had sex with plenty of men who’ve never found my ‘size’ to be an issue (I’m like a US14) and I struggle to bite my tongue about his lack of penis size being an issue as I know this isn’t a nice thing to say. I’ve never actually said this.
We attend counselling and he’s finally starting to make an effort to help in the house (although not to work, I suspect he sees my independent wealth as a meal ticket). I’ve brought up repeatedly how frustrated I am with the lack of sex, I think I’ve lost all respect for him but I still love him. He is depressed and has only recently seen a doctor for this but it might have gone too far? I don’t see a man that I fancy.
An additional issue is that I’m very submissive and wild in a sexual relationship and I’ve tried asking me to hold me down etc, he just giggles. I had thought experience would have improved things but he’s not interested in practicing.
I recently got in touch through Facebook with an ex from 17 years ago, we had a solely sexual relationship and have chatted every day, just chatting, no pics etc but I will say that the conversation has turned sexual with stating how frustrated we both are (he’s single), reminiscing about how we regret how things ended and how we remember what things were like together.
I’ve been 110% honest to this man that I’m married but he’s astounded at how long my dry spell is. I’m like a schoolgirl checking my messages and fantasise about meeting up with him for a fling. I’m now subtly hinting to him that a re-enactment of our last meeting would be enjoyed by all and can’t help but hope that he reciprocates and propositions me.
I really don’t want to hurt my husband (I’ll repeat that I still love him) but I’m really torn. I’m only 36 and keep screaming that I don’t want to die without having sex again.
It’s making me feel so ashamed of something I used to love (and be good at) and it’s affecting how attractive I feel.
I’m starting to really lose weight (on purpose) and have started a programme of Botox, exercise, lip fillers and have just booked in to get my nipple pierced. I’m aware I’m doing this to feel attractive, not necessarily just to him.
It has been 10 years since my wife and I have has sex. She is older than me by +7
and menopause killed any desire. She is a wonderful women, smart, loving in other ways and nice to everybody… I think about divorce, and going on my own, but the reality is I grew up very poor and have been the responsible provider for 30 years.
Starting over financially late in life scares the hell out of me. !!! I am almost set to retire . Just my luck ( or doom) I connected with a women whom I have known for
8 years. She to is wonderful , loving , good person who admires me and I
have fallen completely in love with her. Our chemistry was the real deal. I know that
leaving one women for another NEVER works out. This has now ended, and looking back, living a life without love, is not really living !!! Had I faced reality 10 years ago, life would be completely different. I can’t get those years back – and I can’t live any more without love in my heart….
My husband left me for his ex wife, This was just 2 years of our marriage. The most painful thing as that I was pregnant with our second baby. I actually thought it was over that I lost it all
Tough choices. When you still really love someone after 30 years, but s/he no longer is interested in sex. When you have occasional hurry up and get it over with pity sex but you are really looking for some cuddles, touching, and intimacy. You’ve had discussions and several arguments over a few years, and there is frustration. Yet, very occasionally some actual intimacy where s/he really ended up enjoying it. When you really still love your partner in all other respects.
I recently tried an escort in a different city about an hour away. Wanted to see what it was like with someone interested, albeit as part of a business transaction. Someone I could talk to and be with for a couple hours, and maybe see occasionally. And it was good, really good. Have had a couple of return appointments, and not sure how long it will last – but it is filling a need. My biggest regret is having to keep it secret, at least for now – not wanting to hurt my spouse, but needing some occasional sexual satisfaction.
I met my wife and fell in love and we have been married for 23 years. When I met her I was aware she had psychological problems- when we got serious she told me she had psychological issues. Initially we had frenetic sex that was sorta obsessive- I did not realise she was off her meds at that time and thought the sex was a bit weird but hey would take it.
We got married- have had 2 children, who are now 19 and 23. She has obsessive compulsive disorder and bipolar with elements of negativity and depression- on meds she stabilises but has no sex drive. None-zilch.
A period of years she was very unhappy and turned to ridiculing me, including in front of our elder daughter which has caused problems, and making me feel worthless and a failure as a man, and nothing was good enough. I invested in a townhouse as investment, paid off our house and set up my own practice as a barrister.
This was still not good enough and she kept at me about how little money I was earning and how everybody else in the law was successful. I got depressed and angry and when she attacked me I now realise I needed to feel that I was a man and started seeing escorts probably once every 6 -8 months- often shortly after a ridiculing episode- whether revenge, anger, to feel like a man I do not know- maybe a bit of everything.
Saw a psychologist for help as I was in a black hole, and described to her that I felt soo alone even though I was married. There were no answers as the truth is my wife has an illness and when not medicated is nasty and ridiculing and when medicated and stable, just has no sex drive and I if press it get pity sex maybe once every 10 to 12 months- but she does not enjoy it and has no hunger or desire for me and does it like any domestic task that needs doing.
I feel sorry for her as she is unwell and not happy, but equally I am unhappy and feel alone. I have considered divorce but stayed for our daughters, and also, I worry how she would cope if I left her as I have been a constant for her in terms of being a partner and providing total financial stability and support- and one of her treating Psychiatrists stressed to me that I need to remove all stressors for her and provide her total stability.
I am very fit for my age, almost 6 foot, go to gym, cycle, do outdoor adventure sports, am muscular, good looking and am pretty charismatic in court- but do not feel attractive and feel pretty worthless and a failure around her. However, I have huge sex drive that I need to self satisfy, which is lonely and empty, as is seeing escorts.
About 3 months ago I ran a matter to trial and the solicitor was an elegant blond tall lady, intelligent, single, 34 odd, and we worked in the hot confines of a trial for a week. Anyway, went out for a lunch after the case settled, and I was surprised that she kept drinking wine with me, was very in tune mentally with me, and she showed me attention and genuinely enjoyed my company- which surprised me. Then I thought I caught her staring at my nether regions while in this elegant restaurant a few times.
Ended up getting really pissed, and she followed me into a loo and she pounced on me and truth be told I was sorta shocked and said I am way too pissed but she pushed the issue and her raw hunger and attraction made me loose all sense and well-the next hour odd I got a workout that made up for the last 20 years.
Thing is for the last 20 odd years I have been dead man walking, avoided this type of situation due to my marriage and risk avoidance, but feel a genie has been let out the bottle that cannot be put back in. Am due to see this colleague next week after 2.5 months running other matters for other firms, for a business development meeting – and when she heard I was coming down overnight wanted to catch up for drinks in the evening instead of coffee in the day. She is aware I am married and I feel responsible for my wife.
My dad died 2 months ago and I feel the time and finality of life and feel like I am guilty of the greatest crime – a wasted “sexual ” life.
I suppose I am laying this all out here because I cannot unload on my friends or family about this situation- I feel like a tart and unfaithful but the pull of being desired in a raw hungry animalistic sense is just too powerful for me now- especially when that lady desires me not for a formalised relationship but just to consume and enjoy time with me on a sporadic loose basis.
I delayed contacting her for 2 months but want to be alive again if only for an evening, instead of continuing to be dead man walking.
My situation turned out to be easy to ‘fix’, but my advice is to be careful what you wish for. My wife seemed to have no interest in sex at all after the first year, and I found this baffling and quite distressing, because she’s breathtakingly sexy – we’ve had people approach us in restaurants just to apologetically say they couldn’t leave without commenting on her beauty! But in bed, she was simply compliant, cooperating but otherwise very static, to the point where it felt like I was taking advantage of her, which I don’t find sexy at all. This went on for about 18 months, until sex stopped completely. Finally, I asked her what she thought of the situation, and she told me she wasn’t excited by it, so I asked her if she could think of any changes that might help. It was these changes, about a year ago, that have lead me to the sorry situation in which I find myself today, utterly depleted, hardly able to get aroused without chemical assistance, aching from head to foot and with only more of the same to look forward to.
In essence, she had apparently felt that her role was serve and please me in bed, but this was not satisfying her, and had become an unbearable chore. So, when she told me she yearned to take control and make her own demands, I happily agreed, not realising what a woeful error that was. Since then, she has demanded a full energetic sexual performance at least twice a day and often much more than that at weekends. She often insists on making videos so she can ‘use’ them when she’s alone, and introduced two (female) friends into the bedroom at various times, who she also requires me to ‘service’ while she watches and barks instructions (“Ram that ***** ***** **** until she can’t walk!”, “Show her what it’s for!” etc.) like some perverse female George Lucas. I had no clue she was capable of these things. I could go on, but I’m sure you get the idea. Believe me, endless breasts and vaginas and unremitting demands for viagra-assisted pounding have left me a shadow of my former self, spent, dead-eyed and blank-minded in a fog of exhaustion and hopelessness. I’d swap places with any of you.
Hey Jack,
Your story has me both baffled and empathetic at the same time. Baffled because I can barely believe it’s actually true and empathetic because, if it is true, that there is an actual feeling of emptiness (for a lack of a better term) in the situation. Honestly, it seems like a guys fantasy come true, but I have to admit, a life of just sex and devoid of intimacy is so weird. On one hand, I would loose my mind and be in heaven if my wife brought another woman into the bedroom. For me, the fear lies more in total rejection if she decided the woman was better and I ended up loosing her to a woman…sheesh, what a blow. No pun intended. However, after putting myself into your shoes as best as I can, I realize that if I was not the focus of the attention and intimacy it would probably feel shallow at best. I think I would need to actually BE in your shoes to find out. In the mean time, I feel I am mature enough to see your true plight versus OH YEAH!! enjoy it while you can.
My story was told too many times by others so I won’t repeat it again. My ex stayed only because she liked my income. My rival for her affection was the idiot box and not another man. I was not to go anywhere or do anything without her express permission, usually only for work.
This isn’t a life. It’s indentured servitude. Only death will end the bondage.
My sons avoid any serious interactions with women, and they came to this position without any input from me. This fact alone should show that individual relationships which have so many aspects in common with so many others aren’t about the people involved. Some will claim that no-fault divorce or feminism is to blame. Neither helps the situation, but neither explains it. Neither does the decline in religious participation, because this was beginning long before going to church became relatively less common.
I don’t claim to know the actual cause. I just know that the red herrings I’ve cited aren’t.
But until someone does know, it is far better to remain single than to discover too late that you were played for a fool. This applies to both sexes.
The comments here are a full time job to read. But from what I have read, with the exception of the “oversexed” spouses, I can definitely side with most of you.
I have been married for 29 years and sex (like so many of you out there) started to taper off over the years. I know the opening paragraphs of the article start with frequency and the arguments that surround it, but my thoughts are approximately 2 times a week is normal for a couple. If more, Great!!, if less, *sigh* shrug shoulders, we all have our low days. But it has gone from that frequency to maybe once a week, to maybe once every two weeks and now it’s once every month or less. I am a very sexual guy, I love all types of sex and to add to this I am bisexual too. I consider myself to be around 30% bi and 70% straight. But more on that later.
We have had many a fight over the frequency, the same argument we’ve all probably had. She asks why I even keep a “record”, to which I reply that I don’t. But when you don’t have sex for more than, lets say, a week, the push for something becomes very strong. However, because we LOVE each other so much, the fights usually end in apologies and we move on. It’s not good though, the fights have become so non-productive that I avoid the issues now. Over time, I have had to make many sacrifices and my palm sisters are getting a workout. I do get depressed over this and it bothers me so much. Suicide has entered my thoughts on the lowest of days.
Unfortunately to add to this misery, as of November of last year, my wife had injured her back. I have been as supportive as I can. I do all the house chores, laundry, maintenance etc. Basically when she comes home she just has to make supper (I don’t enjoy cooking, not that I can’t). What has transpired out of this is no penetrative sex at all for over a year. I don’t blame her for it, she is in pain, but it seems to drag the other stuff out of the bedroom too.
I am the type of guy that likes to “fix” things. So I started reading on possibly she was (or has been without me noticing) an asexual type person. Possibly she doesn’t get attracted to men? TRUST me when I say this, she is NOT a lesbian, but I wonder is she is anything? He doesn’t get turned on by the shear visual aspect of looking at men. I get it though; Women like to get turned on slowly with a good night out, foreplay and so forth. But when I ask her what turns her on, she doesn’t have an answer. She issues the usual ‘I don’t know’. Which bothered me. But again, I wanted to find out what is going on. So further reading and I found there is a certain group of people that are not quite asexual but more attracted to a person via feelings only. Somewhat attracted by a partners presence, and yes, by a particular gender. Obviously, in her case, it’s a male companion. Sort of non-sexual attraction. It’s more the companionship attraction and sex is not on the list. The initiation of sex is limited and spontaneous but not initiated by anything. I hope that makes sense. Unlike me and most of my fellow males out there, we get turned on by visual and our desire increases with time. However, too much time ruins the “high” and we seek other means. In my case it’s playing by myself. However, this desensitizes my attraction to my wife which is a major flaw and it’s depressing to say the least.
One thing I found out, which is a big NO NO is to call your wife a ‘room mate’. My wife got so pissed off at me. But that is how it felt, like she was just a room mate. We pay the bills together, we shop together (ya, that would be close room mates I guess) but we just do the everyday things. When it comes to the adult fun things, big fizzle.
So I mentioned the bisexual thing earlier in my rant and what I am finding now is that I am tending towards being more gay now rather than straight. I have had a few encounters over the years with men because of my bisexuality. Yes, my wife is well aware of my orientation. However recently she has asked that I stop going outside the marriage. Fair enough. But what I am finding is that because of her frigid nature, I am starting to resent her more and more when it comes to the bedroom. I still love her, but I am starting to be less attracted to her for this. And inevitably I am starting to be a bit more misogynistic toward women in general because of the way I feel. I will never be fully gay, I am not attracted to men in that way (living, marrying or having a full relationship) but I am finding the repulsiveness of women becoming stronger. It’s the comment above that make me wonder what the hell is wrong with women who seem to see sex as “just another chore” or “I guess so” attitude. Sex is free, sex is wonderful, sex is, well, sexy and it releases endorphins to relax and make life a little easier to deal with. Orgasm is wonderful, but unfortunately is becoming a self thing rather than a couple thing now.
I hope my wife gets her new disk this coming February and I hope after it’s fixed, she not only feels better, but gets more into having sex. But time will tell.
I am willing to bet that things will not change and a crossroad is coming soon.
An update for anyone that is reading and following my long rants. Maybe just typing this helps me cope better. Unfortunately my wife did not get her back fixed. She is taking medications for her pain which lets her do menial things like cooking and sitting, but it still impedes our sex life. Because of the overreaction to the COVID-19 thing, elective surgeries were put on hold. This meant that her consultation in February was short lived and now we’ll have to wait. Crossing my fingers that she will get some type of surgery to help with the pain. Also she is gaining a lot of weight. The weight is not an issue (to a point) I like large woman. The issue is that because the “distance” between us increases with padding, my average schlong is not as effective. I don’t want to overload anyone with TMI, but it’s part of all of my comments and issues as well. But that is for another day.
So, just as before, I have been somewhat avoiding any talk about frequency and it is still an issue. I have noticed a trend that is upsetting me lately. She is now starting to really disrespect me. I have been unemployed for almost a year (an the hits just keep on coming, eh?) but I still do EVERYTHING around the house. Water plants, car maintenance, yard maintenance, dishes, laundry, cleaning except cooking, I can do it but I don’t like doing it. I think she is starting to resent me due to my unemployment. Considering there is still a large amount of women that depend on a working male, I can NOT see, in this present time of equality, this being an issue? Yes, money is tight, but we are managing as best we can. But the arguments are now centering around money and I have tried to keep things together by telling my wife that money, jobs, world economics, politics etc should have NO bearing on how much we love each other. But money is becoming a big obstacle. The weird part of all this is that way back when I had a job, her back was fine and things were good, the frequency of sex and all the issues I mentioned in both previous and present paragraphs were still the same. So it seems that regardless of what is going on, she still is fairly frigid. We still have what is considered a sexless marriage, she still doesn’t know what turns her on. She still acts like its a chore. I am now considering divorce and it’s crossed my mind a few times. However, she can be a BITCH if she wants to and if I bring up divorce, she will initiate it on her own. Because I don’t have a job, this will get messy very quickly. However, I have my own vindictive side as she will probably drive whatever vehicle she has until either the tires are bald or the engine ceases due to oil starvation. She is not mechanical at all. Thing will cost her 10 times more because she won’t have me to fix everything for her. She’ll need to call a repair man which will cost her dearly. So, it would level the playing field. I will leave it at that for now. Hopefully things will get better. I will update in time.
I went through this with a disgusting slob for 10 years. He turned out to be a pornography addict and a pervert who engaged in public lewd sex acts. I moved on as soon as I found out the real reason he was travelling on business and withholding sex nonstop.
He eventually was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and a schizoid personality disorder. Essentially when he is manic he can’t stop doing himself, and when he is depressed he can’t stop withholding. It was a nightmare.
To all reading this, move on, get out and meet others. Don’t suffer these awful frigid partners. They are not worth your sanity and self-esteem.
These stories are so heartbreaking. I too am married to a man that I believe is Asexual or better yet I think he has mental problems where his parents told him that sex was wrong all his life and now as a married adult he still feels guilty about finding pleasure in a sexual way. When we dated he told me he held out due to the fact we weren’t married. After we got married there was no wedding night sex and we didn’t even have a honeymoon. I’m not sure how we conceived our daughter because we barely have sex once every two months. This is a pathetic way to live life and I’m so lonely. I just desire to be touched.
I’ve been married for 40 years. My wife is perfect in every way except sexual so what do I do? She can’t have sex due to an illness being strapped to a chair. We haven’t had sex in almost ten years. Yes, I know people think I’m crazy. But I’m over 60 and maybe I should just suffer since everything else is perfect. My wife ALWAYS puts my needs before hers, meals, presents, etc. I’ve thought about cheating. I’ve thought about just self gratification which may be the best way to go. There really isn’t a good answer. I’ve been to counseling, both secular and non-secular. It just sucks. Thanks for letting me vent.