As many have wondered why Camille Cosby continues to stand by her husband, Bill, in the wake of so many allegations of sexual abuse — including me — the comedian recently was defended by the woman who played his TV wife, Phylicia Rashad. And so was Camille. “This is a tough woman, a smart woman,” Rashad said of Cosby’s wife of 50 years. “She’s no pushover.”
Courtesy of Lionsgate
Tyler Perry as Madea in ‘Tyler Perry’s Madea’s Big Happy Family.’
Her comment of Camille as a “tough woman” could not have come at a more interesting time, as I had just stumbled upon a study, “Black Marriage Through the Prism of Gender Race, and Class,” by Kecia R. Johnson, an assistant professor at Florida State University, and Karyn Loscocco, a sociologist at the University of Albany. For anyone who thinks and talks about marriage, as I do, it is an illuminating exploration of what it’s like to be a black wife (hint: describing Camille as “tough” is what we expect black women to be), why someone like Oprah — a strong, independent and highly successful woman and, yes, a black woman — might choose not to marry, and why it’s problematic to use a white, middle-class model of marriage as the ideal for all couples.
As Camille herself has said, many of America’s institutions have been shaped by racism and prejudice, and the institution of marriage is — surprise — no different.
That creates unique challenges for black marriages:
When people reason from an unquestioned White model of marriage and relationships, they often end up suggesting that there is something pathological about the marital patterns of Blacks. Yet using the race/gender prism, it is just as easy to construct an argument that these patterns are logical and pioneering.
Well, OK, that was so long ago. True, but that history has helped shaped the reality of black marriage, even today. Excluding blacks from some of the basics necessary to create what we might consider “normal, healthy” marriages means that their marriages would somehow never measure up. “Black communities are depicted as comprised of ‘weak’ men and women who are ‘too strong,'” the researchers note. Sadly, many — including black leaders as well as the church — would rectify that by having blacks accept traditional gender ideology, which would strengthen “weak” black men and weaken strong black women (although a strong black woman would be welcome, of course, to use her strength solely to bolster her man). Much of what’s talked about as the “problems of black marriage” can be somehow “solved” by moving black men out of subordinated masculinity, they say. And guess who is expected to do that?
The message to Black women is that their assertiveness is holding back Blacks, especially men. It devalues a history of Black female financial independence from men and the constant, self-sacrificing economic and emotional contributions that women have made to Black families. This message also moves analysis away from the structural causes of Black social problems. An unintended consequence is that Black women’s dominance and strength are interpreted by both Blacks and Whites as pathological, contributing to the oppression of Black women.
All of which makes Oprah’s decision to reject tying the knot with Stedman Graham, her steady partner of nearly three decades, understandable; she realizes that marriage would change what she and Stedman have, and not necessarily for the better:
(H)e’s a traditional man and this is a very untraditional relationship. I think it’s acceptable as a relationship, but if I had the title ‘wife,’ hmmmm. I think there would be some other expectations of what a wife is and what a wife does. First of all you gotta come home sometimes.
And as Johnson and Loscocco note, married black couples are at greater risk of divorce; they have lower marital happiness and satisfaction than white spouses; they disagree more than white spouses about such things as sex, kids and money; and black women get less benefits from marriage than white women and even black men do. It would be foolish to think that racism has nothing to do with that; of course it does.
Still, the authors say if we remove the white, middle-class blinders of marriage, we’d see aspects of black marriages that are “egalitarian, empowering and pioneering,” and that could potentially “undo gender.” Black marriages tend to be more egalitarian when it comes to household chores, and marriage for blacks isn’t nearly as “greedy” an institution as it is for whites because black couples, especially black wives, tend to be “weight-bearing arches of their broader communities” in addition to caring for their own family.
But using black marriages as a model to “undo gender” is unlikely to happen. “(R)ather than sanctioning other family forms, American society continues to hold everyone accountable to the norm of gender differentiated marriage.”
Maybe it’s time to rethink that.
Interested in learning about ways to re-create your marriage? Read The New I Do: Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists and Rebels (Seal Press). Order the book on Amazon, follow us on Twitter and like us on Facebook.
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This is a thoughtful blog post. I do believe slavery still play a small part in the way African Amercian marriages behave. The biggest problem in the african amercian marriage today is the dysfunction we support from television to the music we listen to. We no longer have role models and we are taught not to share our personal problems with anyone else becuase the way people will view us. This applies from not talking to anyone in our church to seeking professional help.
Thanks for writing this. It took us five years to get married and that was after having a candid conversation about how we wanted to frame the marriage in a way that worked for us. We’ve been together for eight years and still live on our own terms.
I responded to your article on Huffington post. But basically I suggested you research the Moynihan Report for 1965. The policies persued post the New Deal destroyed the black family not Slavery in 1915 a Black child had a 70% probability of beinf born into a two parent home, in 2015 the same child had a 70% chance of being born tp a single mother. These outcomes and the devastating impact to our. Communities were predicted and well documented. We nees to rethink our slavish devotion to some of these liberal ideologies especially around gender and sex politics. We played and proved to be a crucial ally in building the case for Gay marriage(a just and right fight) “after all black marriages fail at such a high rate” etc and “marriage isn’t about raising kids” its funny cause like every other minority group that uses Us to get their rights they bounce to the Suburbs and live “traditional” American lives gender roles included, I love it when the gender warriors turn around and heep praise on Ellen and her wonderful wife or other Gays who have traditional gender roles. Soon we black folks will be the only group still in dysfunctional relations, still fighting misandry while all the otger other groups move on.
Twitter: OMGchronicles
says:
Thanks for commenting James. Moynihan knew money problems exacerbate the difficulties of marriage and child rearing, and I suggest reading this analysis of his report. But he also made it clear that the crisis of the black family was the result of having been “battered and harassed by discrimination, injustice and uprooting.” In 2013, the Urban Institute came out with a report demonstrating that the battering Moynihan mentioned continues today, and things have actually gotten worse:
That is, of course, part of the problem. And a lack of good jobs. And affordable child care. And, well, I can go on and on.