A neighbor and I were chatting recently and as we told each other what was in store for the day, she mentioned she was heading to the farmers market.
“Nothing better than some fresh veggies,” I said.
“That, and oogling the hot farmers,” she said, without missing a beat and with a big grin.
I’ve been going to the farmers market for a while, too, so I know exactly what she means — there are quite a few strapping, young, attractive farmers behind the fruit, veggie and meat (humanely raised, of course) stands. You cannot fault a girl for looking because yes, women are as “shallow” as men are. Are you surprised? Don’t be. 
Oogling aside, while many foodies (are we done with that word yet?) celebrate the new crop of young organic farmers and hip restaurants list their names and farms on their menus, here’s an interesting side story — single farmers often have a hard time finding a romantic partner.
A few years ago, I talked to a handful of single and divorced farmers who were looking for love. While some of the women they met loved the romanticism of farm life, few were interested in actually being a part of that life — or as one woman complained, “Why is there so much mud?”
Because it’s a hard life. And anyone signing up needs to be prepared. When she met her husband-to-be in college, Modern Farm Wife was hopeful he would become a stockbroker (which he considered), but he instead took over the family farm. As she says:
Being married to a farmer means (trying) to put everything else in life on hold from April to October in an attempt to keep your husband sane. I struggle with this every single day. I envy friends who have husbands home by six, who are able to take vacations, who tackle house projects as a team. … I struggle not to feel alone, disenfranchised. The farm trumps most things, but it’s not always easy to swallow. I work full-time and try to see friends and family, make nutritious meals, and keep a clean home. Yet I constantly feel behind. Deep within the dark and shameful places of my heart, I resent having to do everything (non-farm-related) by myself. I’m not proud of those feelings. They creep up on me as smoky tendrils, slowly squeezing out joy and positivity. … Honestly, there are times I’m exhausted, I’ve had a terrible day at work, the house is a mess, the dog needs a walk, everything feels chaotic, and I just can’t handle another farming crisis with understanding and grace.
Born to Pharm, a pharmacy student who was raised on a farm and acknowledges she “should have been prepared” to be a farm wife, laments:
Why am I so conflicted with the facts of life of being a farm wife? I should be thankful my husband works so hard, right? Isn’t this the quality that attracted me to him, isn’t it one of the qualities I love the most about him? Yes and yes. It just so happens that this is also the quality I despise the most during certain times of the year. … As a newlywed, Adam not being home at a decent time (and I consider 8 pm a decent time) was frustrating for me. Even though farming has been ingrained in me since birth it was still an adjustment to actually be married to a farmer. I would think to myself, “Why am I mad at him for not coming home at a decent time? I know he can’t help it, this is his career, and I chose to be a part of it. I knew it would be like this, and grew up with this way of life.” It was this fact that was the most conflicting. If I knew it would be like this and it had been ingrained in me since I was a kid, then why was I having such a hard time with it? … The reason is because I was/am envious. I see my friends with their husbands who have 9-5 Monday-Friday jobs and I’m jealous. I didn’t understand why my husband can’t just put in a 40 hour week like everyone else and spend the rest of the time at home. The truth is I missed my best friend, and being home by myself just compounded the fact that I wasn’t getting to spend time with him.
Of course, Modern Farm Wife may have felt just as alone, disenfranchised and resentful if her husband became a stockbroker, right? And Born to Pharm might have been just as envious of other things even if her hubby worked a 40-hour week. (I would hope that she asked her mother what she liked about being a farm wife and what she didn’t like, what she gave up and what she got that she didn’t expect; that discussion may have helped her get better insight into what was ahead.)
What both Modern Farm Wife and Born to Pharm are experiencing is what all newlyweds experience: the awkward intersection of when the fantasy of what we imagine married life is like hits the hard truth of what marriage actually is like. All too often, we romanticize marriage. I just don’t see how that helps anything, do you?
Is there a way to reconcile the way we imagine married life to be and the way it actually is?
You don’t have to be a farmer’s wife to feel unsure, mad, inadequate, sad and envious, with a recurring feeling that your home life is too chaotic. That’s part of being in living with someone; being married in and of itself doesn’t create those feelings nor make them better or worse. It’s what you do with those feelings.
That is, of course, part of what The New I Do is about; we believe that having people identify what they want from a marriage will put the kaboosh on whatever unrealistic expectations they might have. Feeling conflicted is expected (why not embrace the uncertainty and explore how it makes you feel and why?). But resentment? Uh, this is not good!
Here’s how we know we’re right: a recent study indicates wives who are overly optimistic about their marriage have the steepest declines in marital satisfaction, have lower self-esteem and are more stressed and physically aggressive toward their hubby. Better to be more pragmatic.
So, if you’re heading to the farmers market with plans to ogle more than the fresh veggies, take note!
-
- Do you have unrealistic expectations of married life?
- How did/do you deal with them?
- Could you be a farm wife?
Photo © cegli/Fotolia.com
Loading tweets...
Ok.. I’m speaking as another farmers wife… why.., are these women not helping their husbands on the farm? I work a full time job, away from the farm, however, I KNOW, if I want to spend time with my husband, I need to get out there in the fields or pens with him. We built (and are still) building this farm together, so maybe that’s the difference. But seriously, some of our best talks have come in the midst of dragging tree limbs out of the way to clear more room for grazing. Farming is not nor will it ever be a 9-5 job… 5am to 9 pm… maybe, so take those opportunities when you are sitting alone in the house and get outside with your spouse! Oh and yeah… HOT SMOKING HOT farmers.. hard to beat. They’ve got muscles that just can’t be built in the gym. Swinging an ax, a pitch fork, climbing up and down off of equipment.. it does the body good.
Well before our two daughters 4 yo and 17 mo, I used to be right there, after my 8-5 job as a,dental assistant dealing with people,all day I would try my best to help out or bring dinner, weekends I would spend my day in a grain cart or at the bins unloading all day. I can not help our other than meals all day and it stinks.,however it is very hard taking care of little ones by yourself. I know that I an not the only one but nevertheless it is still stressful
Yep. Having all 3 of our Sons, each 3 years apart, and our youngest in pull -ups now, ages 3, 7 & 11 all BOYS! Having the family we always wanted, on “the family farm” i used to love & raise our boys to love. Who is the one at home long days, nights, alone with the baby?? Momma! The wife!!! Me! Our youngesr is just now old enough “to go” & do things too on the farm, but he still (or his dad) seem to not want me out there helping. ? Idk. They are very particular, but it hurts bc they got the “boys” they needed to keep the farm in the family…surely atleast one outta 3 will want to take it over one day- but i told them all- if they wanna be a doctor, a trash truck driver, a scientist, an FBI agent- go for thier dreams- dont live to please others- even Daddy & Pops. Aim to please God first & the rest will fall into place. Or course the younger 2 have farming fliwing in thier veins (being future 7th generation family farmerss) I have also taught them thier rich heritage. So heres where Im sitting…at the house…not wanting to “try 4 that girl” bc itd be a boy, and our hands our full…lol…
The Summers- they are SO Long and So hard. They are lonely & we are broke. The Short lived but beautiful, slow, peace of cold winter is when family & farmer seem to re-unite, much needed time with husband/wife & kids can be spent together more. Crops have been harvested & bins are full & knocks are at the door for the people wanting to buy it. For an ever so brief moment, we re-connect, and in good years, rest easy on the frugal budget stressors….however the years when the men or the women, have really not coped well, resentment may abide, leading the workaholic farmer- finding ways to stay busyy or depression sets in. So hes finding things to do to get out of the house. Just depends upon the year. Id LOVE to be more involved in the farm, after all Ive invested 12 years, and 3 sons, and practically, my whole life! I didnot pursue my nursing career to stay home, have babies, love him, & make lunch. Im tired now & it is time to give me more responsibility & involvment in making the decisions that will directly affect OUar future! Our youngest will go to school next year. I told him no more “planned pregnancies” for a while, i want to be “married” again, and spend time together, even if it is sitting on the tractor or checking levee gates, im good with it…and our boys love to go too! So heres the shocker tho- after 12 years- i realize my name is on nothing. Nothing, but my vehicle I had coming into the marriage that I added his name to bc i thought everyrhing was “ours” …turns out…its technically his. It bothers me. It does. So heres my ? to other farm wives, is your name on the farm too? Or just “his” or “him & his dad”
& do you agree it should at some point be “ours” ? & if so, at what point?
Opinions appreciated .TIA. and to the lady who commented before me, i so understand what you mean. Being married to a farmer, and having children together means single parenting about 9/12 months of the year.
Stay close to God….real close….only way to make it day to day! Teach your children (esp boys) that family comes b4 work even if daddy doesnt get it, they know momma does & that momma could have a career too- but chose them bc i wanted to. ♡♡♡♡
I am kind of new at being a farmers wife. My husband and I have been married almost 2 years and he has been working on a organic veggie farm for about a year and a half. I have a 2 year old and and another baby on the way. I struggle a lot with resentment that his job comes before his kids and me but I also appreciate him working so hard. I did not grow up on a farm…I actually consider myself more of a city girl..or I used to be. I had no idea how much hours my husband would be away. I’m so lonely and overwhelmed…trying to make more friends and do more things but I have to take care of my kid and the house which keeps me busy enough but not having my hubby, my best friend, around is too difficult to swallow sometimes:( my dad was a workaholic and me and my siblings not only did not have a relationship with him, we resented him very much as well. Now having kids of my own I want there father to spend time with them but it feels like always a fight. Will this get better?
Twitter: OMGchronicles
says:
Hi Bethany. Thanks for posting and for your honesty.
I don’t know how to answer “Will this get better?” because there are no guarantees in life. I think the only way it might get better is if you have some of your relationship needs met by connecting with other farmers’ spouses (reach out to Nancy at http://thewifeofadairyman.blogspot.com/) and finding meaning separate from your husband and your kids — just Bethany. And, seeing what you can do with him side by side; there must be some tasks he would love to have you be part of, and that would help you better know what his day is like. Or even some tasks that you can do while he attends to kids and house (and that will bond him with them, unlike your dad).
And, I’m no shrink but I would suggest that you not connect your experience of your dad’s workaholic tendencies with your husband’s; your husband is not your dad, and your kids need not resent him for time doing what a farmer must do.
I have faith that you will grow a richer, deeper relationship with your husband and as a family as you grow your essential business (which nurtures others). Please let me know how it goes. Sending you strength and hugs.
It is hard work but I would love it. Building something with the one you love.
I have always wished for a farmer husband.
I wish you the best.
Tina
Twitter: OMGchronicles
says:
And you, too, Tina. 😉
I am a farmer’s wife who works full-time outside the home, and then some. My husband has expected me to do everything his mother did (who was a stay-at-home mom) including full responsibility of the child-rearing, cooking, laundry, cleaning, etc. When his dad came in from the fields he read the newspaper and farming magazines, ate supper, and didn’t really interact with the family. When my husband comes home, he plops down in front of the TV for the rest of the evening and I bring him his supper; I am on my feet from the time I get home from work until I collapse into bed (often around midnight.)
I had hopes that we could be a team. It hasn’t worked out that way at all. Being isolated on the farm, I didn’t have any child care help; I was a stay-at-home mom until my daughter was school-age. I simply didn’t have the energy and time to raise any more than one child (but I’m proud to say she has turned out very well!:) He gets health insurance through my plan at work (which takes nearly half of my salary.)
I wish someone would have told me all of this when I was a naive 23 year-old. He is happy that someone is taking care of him, the way his mother did. I feel lonely and isolated. Is this just the way of life of a farmer’s wife?
Twitter: OMGchronicles
says:
Thanks for sharing your story, CS, although it’s a sad one. At 23, we don’t really think about having those hard conversations, so don’t beat yourself up. But it’s totally OK to set your boundaries, express your needs or, if all else fails, hire out. Good luck!
Been married to Farmer Hubby for 14 years. He is a wonderful husband…the best.
I really resent how much work there is involved in farming and have finally had enough! So has my husband…of all of my whinging and complaining.
There is no “switch off” button. We can’t plan for a day off, I can’t plan to spend time away for the day etc, and so much more etc’s. I am exhausted, (so is he) and I am about to explode…
I hate myself right now…I’ve lost my positivity and cannot see the light.
I want my life and some control over it, not be at beck and call all the time.
I long to be a farmer’s wife. My dream was to move out of the city and into the country to hopefully find someone to start the country life with. I’m no stranger to hard work. I have had a tough few years. I moved out on my own from my home state of NJ to a rural Kansas town. Unfortunately, as soon as they heard my NJ accent, the local people wanted nothing to do with me even though I was a hard worker, ( I was a teacher at the high school there ) and I treated everyone with respect and I was fascinated with their lifestyle and eager to learn and know more. It seemed I could never do the right thing or say the right thing, simply because they would not allow me in. I am a Catholic, God fearing woman and I could not understand this, even so today. I met a family going through turmoil with a father who was very sick and had quadruple heart surgery, and all I did was try to help. At first, it seemed they were willing to give me a chance, but it turned out three years later that they were taking advantage of my good nature. Conversations were had and things were said behind my back. I was fired from the school, simply because the superintendent received too many complaints about me due to the fact that I was an outsider and they did not want that for their kids I guess. I still have the dream of working side by side together with someone who appreciates me and making our own living, just not sure how to go about it and not sure if I will be accepted again. Perhaps this was just bad luck in this area I happened to find myself in, because I have never been treated with anything less that kindness and decency anywhere else I have gone. I pray this may still be.
Farm advisors and training colleges need to flag this for young and up and coming farmers. The world has changed and farmers need to open their eyes snd realise that their wives are not their mothers. I have been married almost 15 years to a dairy farmer. If I could turn back time I’d probably do it all again – despite the shit. I can’t begin to describe how complicated and difficult everything becomes when you are trying to deal with a ‘partner’ who puts their hopes and dreams (and original family) before you while you are rearing the next generation quietly in the corner.
I got counselling for my husband and myself early on in our marriage after a brief breakdown involving panic attacks (which i had never experienced before!) when our 2nd child was 10mths old. It was the loneliness and isolation from his family along with the distance from my idyllic home and friends along with pressures in returning my teaching career that did it.
I got the best advice that time. Live your best life for yourself and your children. If your husband wants to join you then he will and if not just keep moving for yourself. I was also told NOT to express how I felt to my inlaws anymore and omg am I glad I have kept my powder dry with them, and a smile on my face always. The jealousy kicked in in the last number of years as money has become available due to endless hours of work on both our parts… jealousy to the point where my 50 year old sil (who has lived the life we all here envy)moved her family back in to build a house on our land (a site which we gifted her from a parcel of land we bought together) and she would not moved out as her electricity bills were being covered in the farm house!!!. There is no doubt that to marry a farmer you must indeed be a selfless person and a giver but know your boundries and keep reminding him of them. Otherwise he won’t see things from your point of view. Keep the bright side out and your children will adore you for all you do despite your struggles. Don’t sugar coat it. Mind your friends good jobs and keep a little savings on the side for your sanity!