I had to create security questions for online banking this week — no biggie, right? — but as I scrolled through my choices, I was somewhat taken aback. Three of the seven questions I could choose from assumed I was married, wanting to know where I went on my honeymoon, what my spouse’s middle name is, etc.
Really? In this day and age? 
I laughed but at the same time I was slightly horrified.
Why does anyone assume I had a honeymoon (OK, I’ve had two) or a spouse (ditto) or even a spouse with a middle name (ditto, but still).
Why does marriage even factor into it?
I had a similar experience when my boyfriend and I went on vacation and I checked us into our hotel (the reservation was under my name and it was on my credit card). The hotel clerk said something about my “husband.” It didn’t seem to be all that important to correct her at the time (I was on vacation after all). But he is not my husband nor do I pretend that he is, as some people I know who are in long-term cohabiting relationships refer to each other. Unsure of just what to call the person they’ve been living with for five, or seven or 20 years, they try to fudge the issue or, for ease and comfort on everyone’s part, refer to their live-in partner as “my wife” or “my husband.” No one questions it but I have to think that for those who have made a very conscious decision not to marry for whatever the reasons, it has to be bothersome to not be open about the fact that you’re in a committed relationship but not in a marriage.
(Forget about even bringing up the idea that it may not be a monogamous relationship, no matter how committed and happy).
Why can’t we be honest about that?
In a way, it’s a subtle bullying. It surely is a sign of how we assume marriage is the default. It’s what author and social scientist Bella DePaulo calls matrimania, the obsession we have with being a couple and marriage as the be all and end all, and singlism, the stereotyping, stigmatizing and discrimination against singles.
That kind of thinking is not only disturbing to those of us who are happy flying solo, but also those who are not interested in marriage for whatever reasons as well as those who are committed couples but seek alternatives outside of marriage.
- Have you experienced singlism?
- If you’re cohabiting, what do you call your partner?
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