Vicki Larson's OMG Chronicles

I didn’t know much about Marco, the guy who kindly takes me to and from my mechanic and my job when my car needs servicing. I knew he is in the States legally, I knew he worked about 70 hours a week at two jobs, I knew he had a wife and a 9-year-old son in Mexico, I knew he shared an apartment and a few other men and, from our 10-minute conversations each way, I could tell he was a man with a good heart and a good moral compass. 

Last week, when my car was making a funky sound and I brought it in for servicing, I wanted to know more. Without wanting to pry, I wanted to ask Marco about how he made his marriage work when he and his family were thousands of miles away from each other. The idea of living apart from a loved one isn’t foreign to me; my boyfriend and I have been doing it, happily for eight years. But we live 15 minutes apart from each other, we see each other a few nights a week. We’re very present in each other’s life.

How do you make a relationship work when you rarely see each other? How do maintain the intimacy? How do maintain the trust?

And so gently, respectfully, I asked him. He was happy to respond.

Marco and his wife have lived apart for three years. He figures they have four more years of living apart until he can save up enough money to move back to Mexico, build their dream house and live comfortably with his family. In the meantime, he sends money home to his wife (who lives with her parents), flies home two to three times a year, calls them twice and a day and, while here, stays mostly to himself. Some of the men in his situation, with families far away, like to go out drinking and catting around; he wants nothing to do with that, he says.

“What about your needs?” I asked him. “What about hers? How do you trust each other? How do you know?”

“I love this woman,” he said. “I trust her, and she trusts me.”

And that was that.

Marco’s story isn’t unique; there are many men and women who come to America, legally and illegally, leaving their spouses and children behind to create a better life for their family. Some are women who work as nannies, caring for other people’s kids while leaving their own in the care of relatives, and others are men like Marco, working two jobs to send money home (he also sent money to his mother until she passed away).

And that is how it has been for immigrants throughout the ages. But, this isn’t about the immigrant experience; it is about the incredible sacrifices some people seem to be able to make for their loved ones. Why are some people able to sacrifice better than others? And why do some couples who “have it all” — the house, the money, the spouse, the kids —  not appreciate and treasure what they have?

Is it because living with someone for a long time is hard? That doesn’t seem harder than the sacrifices Marco and thousands of other people make every day.

I don’t have answers, just questions.

How much of a sacrifice are you willing to make for love?

Photo © Lyle Doberstein/Fotolia.com