The HuffPo had a piece today on the double standard on weight gain for spouses. A woman had written to an advice columnist about how fat and lazy her longtime partner — whom she also describes as “intelligent, accomplished, emotionally mature, kind, loving, and funny” — had become, only to be told, “I’m sick, sick, sick of women beating up on tubby guys … Take him as he is! Love him for himself! Grant him the freedom to live as he wants.” To which HuffPo columnist D.A. Wolf asked, “What if the roles were reversed? What if a man were seeking advice, expressing distaste for his widening woman?”
Well, we know how men feel about “widening women.” They don’t like it. All the research seems to indicate that couples are happiest when the woman is more attractive — aka, she’s a hottie — than the man (Really? Whoa! Who knew?!?!) 
The problem is couples — men and women — tend to pack on the pounds when they marry and feel satisfied in their marriage. But, don’t we all want to feel happy in our marriage? Yes! But do we want to pork out because of it? Probably not. Or maybe we believe it’s OK for us but not our partner.
Look back to what was being discussed when Gen. David Petraeus fooled around with a younger — and much more attractive and thinner — woman than his wife, Holly. As so many media outlets eagerly reminded us, Holly was “an utterly ordinary looking middle-aged woman” who showed “no signs of slavery to high fashion, power yoga, Botox or hair dye” and who could only “be seen as an unlikely partner for a staggeringly accomplished man famous for his obsession with physical fitness.“
That’s right — the “matronly” Holly is the reason why her studly hubby had to stray. She’s fat, so of course he would want to cheat! Duh! (But, let’s consider the many women who didn’t become matronly and whose husbands/boyfriends cheated on anyway — Halle Berry, Elizabeth Hurley, Eva Longoria, Shania Twain, Sandra Bullock, Jennifer Aniston … Why do we think that being “hot” somehow makes your partner be someone who’ll be honest and faithful?)
I think it works like this; when we feel content in our relationship, men and women tend to add a few pounds. Then something else happens, especially for women and it’s more than just the weight we gain for childbirth. That’s understandable for a year or so; after that, not so much. In fact, a lot of women gain weight when they get married; they’re even more at risk for obesity just by shacking up. Men do, too, but they don’t gain as much as women do. But that “something else” is hard to put a finger on. Why do so many married people, especially women, let themselves go physically?
As I’ve written before, I have often come upon letters to advice columnists — usually from the husband — complaining about his wife’s weight. He’s not attracted to her sexually anymore and he mentions (hopefully delicately) something about her weight to her, which makes her angry and defensive, and so he pulls away emotionally and physically, which makes her feel worse about herself so she eats more and then gains more weight, which turns him off even more … it’s a downward spiral that most likely ends up in divorce. And, then most lose that weight from the so-called “divorce diet.” So, why not lose it before?
- Why do you think so many wives let themselves go physically?
- Is there a double standard for husbands vs. wives?
- Do you think your spouse’s weight gain is a reason to sexually stray?
Loading tweets...
From my experience, my wife added the poundage because she already had her man and didn’t want any attention from other men – or so she claimed. She also told me to expect much less sex than I was used to. Things went downhill steady thereafter until I quit caring about sex with her. When she wants it, she gets it. No strain on my part as I get six to twelve weeks to recuperate from my ten minutes of heavy breathing.
So I see the weight gain as a control mechanism. Women constantly complain their men are horn dogs who are no good at sex, so putting on the pounds is a great way to slow him down if not stop his advances completely. And if he strays, divorce will take care of his action!
Twitter: OMGchronicles
says:
That’s an interesting theory, ToppHogg, that weight gain is a way of control. What if it’s more of a self-esteem issue; when we feel bad about the way we look, we avoid things like sex.
I’m having this problem. I think the weight gain is not just related to being married, it began before the wedding. I think it originated when I hit 30 and my metabolism, which had always been strong, died. I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted, drink as much as I wanted and work out only when I felt like it and I stayed an even 120 for years and years. I’m a lawyer and work long hours at a desk. It’s tough to fit in exercise time in with everything else (no kids here yet). But the thing is that my husband’s response has made things worse. I think he is trying his best to not harp on me about it, but nowadays I feel like he scrutinizes everything I do. Am I eating too much? Do I REALLY need to eat that Hershey’s kiss? Should I be eating that potato? How often have I exercised this week? For how long? And it’s just making me so depressed. I’m afraid to eat in front of him anymore. I eat a few bites at dinner and then sneak a sandwich when he isn’t looking. And I am so depressed. I just want to sleep all the time. If I sleep too long I get berated for being lazy. I’ve gone on antidepressants but they aren’t really helping. And I’m so miserable. And so tired. There are many days when I think it would be better to just get a divorce – he can go find a skinny, pretty woman he’s attracted to. At least then I wouldn’t have to sneak dinner in the middle of the night.
Twitter: OMGchronicles
says:
Sneaking food (or booze or drugs or porn) is a problem and an unhealthy way of dealing with what’s truly going on in your marriage. Before it gets worse — these things never get better by themselves! — I hope you can find a way to deal directly with him about it; “I know you’re not happy with my weight gain and neither am I. I’m working on it, but when you comment about what I’m eating and how much, it makes things harder for me. Please be supportive of my efforts.” No one can make us feel bad about ourselves unless we allow it. Good luck!
See how women always fall back on the “no time to work out” and “I’m so depressed,” when the solution is obvious? Close your pie hole and hit the gym. In a few months to a year, your problem is solved. Got news for you, ladies: If you’re hot a man will want to fuck you more—more often and more efficiently, because he’ll want to please you to keep you. Stop being so sullenly stubborn, put down the bonbons, quit snorting, “He should just love me for who I am,” and lose the weight. Wow, women are dumb.
You are right on the money.