Because of the book project I’m working on The New I Do, I had heard from Melissa of The Long Haul Project, a young couple who, “on a journey to save our marriage,” have been meeting married couples around the globe and recording their secrets to marital happiness.
So I read through their blog and came upon an interesting post, in which Melissa describes a recent trip she took on her own (my emphasis):
We’ve fallen into gender stereotypes when we’re out together. He always pays at restaurants or the grocery store for some reason, even though we share a bank account and the money is coming from the same source. If anything breaks (electronic or otherwise) I don’t bother trying to figure out what’s wrong with it. I just call for Tom and he fixes it in seconds.
While it’s lovely to have such a smart, reliable husband who takes care of me, I worry that my independence has eroded. I come from a long line of not-so-independent women, and I feel like I’m fighting against a genetic “dependence default.” Traveling on my own reminds me that I’m capable and connects me to the importance of carving out time for myself.
Yes, I know that woman all too well, the wife whose “independence has eroded.” Mine did, too, because I had given up so much of myself; I just didn’t realize it until my second marriage was in trouble. But, why? It certainly was never asked or expected of me. No one told me to stop doing many of the things I enjoyed, but I did anyway.
When it comes to losing themselves in relationships, women seem to do that best. There are literally dozens of self-help books on the topic. Psychoanalyst Beverly Engel, author of Loving Him Without Losing Yourself, calls it the Disappearing Woman — what happens when women lose track of what they believe in, what they stand for, what’s important to them and what makes them happy just because they happen to be in a relationship with someone they love. Writes Engel:
No matter how successful, assertive, or powerful some women are, the moment they become involved with a man they begin to give up part of themselves — their social life, their time alone, their spiritual practice, their beliefs and values. In time, these women find they have merged their lives with their partners’ to the point where they have no life to go back to when and if the relationship ends.
Maybe that’s why when many women divorce, it feels so freeing. Suddenly, they have time to return to the things they love or find new ones. There’s no one to tell them not to do that, even if it’s their own voice inside their head that’s been telling them. They don’t have to please anyone other than themselves. And, of course, that independence, vitality and renewed passions are exactly the things that make her attractive to someone new.
So why aren’t we doing that in the relationships we already have?
Because we think we’re being nice. Actually, we’re being anything but nice — to ourselves and to our partner.
By tossing away our own passions and interests, women lose their authenticity. “She’ll pretend to agree when she doesn’t really agree, she’ll go along with things she doesn’t really believe in, and if she does that long enough, she’ll no longer know what she feels,” Engel says.
There can be no truly happy outcome to that.
And, the more we give up of ourselves, the less we are the woman our sweetie was attracted to in the first place, says Sherry Argov in Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl — A Woman’s Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship. “The nice girl thinks she’s giving up something to get something better in return. She gives up control over her own life. When the time comes for her to get what she expected, she winds up disappointed. In addition to being empty-handed, she’s depleted.”
We find ourselves in this dilemma because many women have been brought up to see a romantic partnership as the main event of their life, or so argues author and critic bell hooks. How many women do you know who will break plans or give up a favorite activity for a guy? Not that it’s not OK to do that from time to time or for certain situations; it’s just that somehow in the togetherness of coupledom too many women forget to have a life of our own. Instead, we look to our partner to fulfill all our needs — and get frustrated and resentful when he doesn’t. Then we see the problem as something wrong with him, and not us.
Now, we’ve made him the heavy. “You feel unfulfilled because you’re not being yourself, and it’s a burden for a guy to feel like he’s the center of your life,” the late therapist Martha Baldwin Beveridge writes in Loving Your Partner Without Losing Your Self.
Can a divorce be far behind?
But perhaps times are changing; in a survey last year of 5,200 singles, more women than men in a committed relationship said they “need personal space” and want nights out solo.
I can only hope they actually act on it.
- Have you lost yourself in a relationship? Why?
Loading tweets...
It’s interesting. I seem to keep dating women on the opposite end of the spectrum. They are deeply aware of the pitfalls of the “merging with partner” narrative, and have experienced it in the past, and so now they’ve created major walls to intimacy and commitment. Instead of a partnership, they want total freedom and whenever things get too close, they either go off running, or turn up the testing heat.
I say this as a man who wants to be with a partner who doesn’t give up interests, or friendships to be with me. Furthermore, I’m deeply committed to my spiritual path, and want a partner who either is as well, or is interested in doing so. Not because I do am, but out of a personal motivation. In other words, I’m not interested in merging, or being with someone who feels they have to please me all the time.
Perhaps there is a generational element here. I’m 36 and have been dating women between 30-40. But it just seems to me like so many of us are out of balance. What you write about above is all too common, and what I am experiencing seems to be getting more common as well.
This is a very self-centered/individualist view on relationships. When you love someone, decided to get involve and later on get married, you have to deny yourself of everything that is stated here for that to work out. When you give love, you will get back love in return (you reap what you sow.) Relationship in itself abolishes individualism because it should merge two persons in one. That’s the whole idea of getting involve and getting marriage. Otherwise we will see a lot of divorce, broken families and failing society just like what happened in developed countries.
Hello Lovewins,
I believe you are wrong in your comment. If I understand you correctly, are you implying that in marriage one should let go of everything he/she is pursuing in life? This is what I get from your comment “When you love someone, decided to get involve and later on get married, you have to deny yourself of everything that is stated here for that to work out”. You don’t have to deny yourself of your personal pursuit because you are married, in fact thats what lead to divorce, because you become a liability in the marriage. A woman should not lose sight of her personal dreams because she is married.
Twitter: longhaulproject
says:
Enjoyed reading this post and thanks for the reference to my blog. I wonder how much of women losing independence in relationships is influenced by the role model we had for marriage in our parents, especially our Mothers? I often feel caught between two words– the type of modern marriage that I want for myself and the more “traditional” model of marriage that I grew up with.
My Mother built her life around her family, losing herself to such an extent that I’m not sure she ever bounced back from my brother and I growing up and leaving home. Her identity was wife and mother to the exclusion of so much else. I always knew this wasn’t the kind of life that I wanted, but I wonder if that idea of what marriage “should” be is ingrained somewhere deep inside from my upbringing.
Twitter: OMGchronicles
says:
Melissa — Thanks for commenting. Our parents do provide our first model of marriage and so I don’t doubt that model remains ingrained in us. I think it must be more, though, that whole “nice” thing women are taught. I think your struggle — modern vs. traditional marriage — is one many women struggle with; we don’t have enough of a satisfying history of modern marriage (life-work, equal partners, etc.) to feel fully confident in it. We’ll get there one day …
It’s history, not just our mothers. It goes tback forever. Staying yourself and independent is an idea that has a lot of history to overcome.
Your articule is interesting and no doubt true but the exact same perdicument is true for guys as well as women. If you think this only happens to women or even that it happens more to women than men, I think you wrong. Men loose parts of themselves as well. Don
Twitter: OMGchronicles
says:
I’m sure men give up interests and passions, too. But (sorry to put a but in there!), a good part of the loss for women comes from her caregiving role in the family and the (often) loss/adjustment of career that goes along with it. The idea that you should be marrying your best friend (I have one of those already, thanks; I don’t want to marry her!) puts pressure on that partnership to be everything for her — soul mate, partner, confidante, travel buddy, etc. It’s a heavy burden for one person to bear. Thanks for writing.
I have found that many times, when a woman comes to a blog for men, the men jump all over that woman, label her as a troll, and scold and demean her for giving her opinion, but I won’t do that to the men who come here to this blog to give their male points of view. I will just give my comment and move on.
Further, I find this article so on point that it’s as if the author interviewed many women, including me, and got our points of view. It is so true what the article revealed. Women do, comply and do as we are told, by anyone and many times, everyone. Yes we do obey everyone, except our ownselves. The article expresses what exactly what I feel, but could not put into words myself.
Generally speaking, we as women are guilty of depriving ourselves for the sake of our husbands, boyfriends , and others. We even spoil out dads and inlaws, because we have been told to. An example is, we can be in hard labor, uncomfortable, trying to have our peace and privacy, but our husband will want his dad and mom, to stand at our vagina and watch the baby emerge. As an exposed woman, we will want autonomy, but some of us women would actually give in to our husband’s wishes and allow his parents to violate our birth space. Some people will have told us that we are being selfish, if we ask for privacy. Amazing, isn’t it? That is how brainwashed we as women in general are. From what I see, this obedience to others is because:
1) Women have been put down and scolded by men and so called Christian counselors on the internet, that tell us that Scripture wants us to exalt a man, no matter how sinful he is and no matter how abusive he may be to us.
2) Women (not men) have that the “people pleasing” trait, that either was taught by our parents or it is inborn in us.
3) Women are told that if we do not please and kiss up to our husbands/boyfriends and give them anything they want on demand, that they will cheat on us and so kiss up, exalt and bow down. Also if we do not exalt others, that we are selfish.
4) When some of our men act spoiled, pouty, arrogant, narcissistic, then shut down and get all quiet on us. We are told that we caused this bad behavior and that we need to forget about ourselves while we beg up and worship these men.
In conclusion, maybe if some wise, strong women could help all weak, brainwashed women to learn how to love themselves, to recognize how foolish we are for putting others ahead of ourselves, to open our eyes and see how others are treating us, take part in “love yourself” therapy classes, and last, but not least, read articles like this one, regularly, that ministers to our downtrodden spirits, then maybe, maybe, we could see a change where women begin to love themselves and not worship a man and others, only God!! Women need help.
Twitter: OMGchronicles
says:
Jean, thanks for stopping by and for your kind words.
I do think men can be people pleasers, too (one of my sons is — OMG, did he get that from me??!!??), and I don’t mean the ones who “Yes, dear” everything. Still, I agree many more women don’t know how to speak up for themselves (and it can be in a kind and loving way vs. being a b*tch) and are not good at being direct and setting boundaries.
You are spot-on about women needing to love themselves first; we are our most authentic when we can embrace who we are instead of seeking validation from others. Just like we need to put our air mask on first in an airplane in case of an emergency before we help our child, we need to honor our health — mental and physical — before we care for those we love.
As an old-school married guy, it was a sobering experience after 31 years together with my wife to read Ms. Larson’s piece on being “Lost” and see myself at every turn. In fact, you could take each “woman,” “women” or “wife” reference in the article and replace it with “man,” “men” or “husband” and get a picture that is every bit as accurate. I knew something wasn’t quite right all these years but just couldn’t put my finger on it.
The decisions I made that resulted in my “losing” myself were made unilaterally: Not once did She ask me or tell me to quit being the airplane-flying, motorcycle-riding outdoorsman with a zest for life that knew no end. I just did it.
I’m trying to change all that now, but find myself buried with a profound sense of guilt if I so much as think about resurrecting the old me. Yeah, I know. I’ve got issues. Fortunately, I know our marriage doesn’t have to end so that I can be “free.”
I remain a “work-in progress.” Thank you, Vicki, for your insight. You definitely gave me some.
Twitter: OMGchronicles
says:
Hi Gray, Thanks for commenting.
I hope you are able to resurrect the “old you,” and I hope your wife will be supportive of your efforts. Maybe after 31 years, that’s just what the marriage needs!
If only we could be supportive from the get-go; but that would require being honest from the get-go, and if we shift priorities and give up passions before even addressing it, we’ll never know. Good luck!
Women fall into love easily and out of love more easily (see who initiates divorce, etc.). You can’t justifiably talk about women losing themselves in love without looking at the inverse – women easily falling out of love. They seem to fall hard one way then the other & have a hard time committing in the long term.
Twitter: OMGchronicles
says:
PJ — Actually, the studies indicate men say “I love you” first. I’m not so sure women are unable to commit for the long-term; I do believe that after the kids are raised and off on their own (assuming she’s a mom), she feels like it’s time for her, to put herself first. As I wrote in the HuffPo, Why Women Walk Out More Than Men, many women decide they will not put up with their hubby’s “bad behavior” (not my term, but the National Marriage Project’s).
I have always kept my personality and individuality in marriage, which led to a divorce or two – however, because I kept myself intact I didn’t feel cheated by divorce – just stupid that I didn’t get the partner I needed. Till my last marriage 😉
P.S. = I have never felt guilty about divorce, it’s necessary. It’s the only way you can get the life YOU need; and you only get ‘one’ life to live….
Twitter: OMGchronicles
says:
Thanks for writing, KELLI2L. Funny (not really, but) that keeping your personality and individuality led to divorce. Relationships, of course are about compromise and give and take, and you really do need a good partner with whom to do that. Seems like you found that, more proof that divorce isn’t a “failure.” Good luck!
I feel, and know, through my masters degree in gender studies how real this can be for both sexes. There’s a novella by D.H. Lawrence called the Fox. In it, one of the main female characters describes her feeling of losing herself, and on a boat to a new land, falls asleep into her fiancé. Despite all my knowledge about all of this, prior to getting married, I fell into this trap – so much so that I also feel like I’ve fallen asleep on myself. I moved from a foreign country to the U.S. I had dreams of doing a Ph.D., which I’m still working on moving towards 8 years later (I’ve had to re-train to go into another field.) This is my only way of clawing myself back, and it’s taken me three years to just get to this point. What really gets me though is that after my son was stillborn at 35 weeks, I wanted to spend time back at home in my own country, where I could recuperate and work through my grief with my friends and family. However, everyone told me I couldn’t leave my husband, that I was being selfish. Maybe that’s what people think? But I had no friends, my husband was back at work a week later, and I was left to alone to try to work through my grief alone. Since then we’ve had twins, and they’re my joy. However, my husband is a fairly angry/anxious individual. He shouts at me very regularly, and shouts at our children. He’s always shouted at me, throws things and can be aggressive. My father is aggressive as well, and I feel like I’m just replaying my parents marriage. I’m so lost, I’m just hoping that when I start my graduate program later this year that I’ll find myself again, and maybe our marriage will improve. I’m scared though that when/if I do find myself again and become stronger that we’ll just split even further. I’m dealing with issues of being an expat as well as being in an unhappy marriage. I just wish I’d listened to former boss, my dissertation supervisor and my friend – they all warned me about the decision to marry and move abroad. I was just too enamoured and giddy in love to heed their warnings. Hindsight is 20/20 – I think we both would have benefitted from that decision as we’ve never truly been happy together. It’s incredibly sad, especially considering the pain we’ve been through.
I was a very strong woman when I married. I discovered that the man who “supported” my career, actually only supported my paycheck. Despite agreeing to “take turns” moving locations to support our professional growth, once my husband found his “best” spot – he refused to move. I was marginalized in the same location, and started looking for a different career, switching to working part time (not a good career move) and eventually quit a job where I was being sexually harassed. In truth I was unwilling to test whether the marriage would end if I moved without his agreement. I allowed my career and earning power to be destroyed, by choosing the marriage over my own dreams.
Since then, I have followed the primary (and now only) paycheck – his. It has been very profitable for our joint bank account, but not so much for my person. I wonder if I had stayed true to my career aspirations, would I now be single/alone. I am not sure that would make me happy either, a loving partner is so important to me. I even understand why. My parents were quite poor in the “loving” environment department.
So here I stand a mere shadow of my former self. I am mad at him doing what males do in our society – expecting to be first. I am mad at myself for ending up like this, but I am unsure if the other path was better (single)? Or perhaps I would have found a man more supportive – I wish I believed that.
I think that women lose themselves in marriage because that is what it takes to maintain most marriages. Our husbands expect us to cook, clean, laundry, provide sex and agree to most of their wishes. Their father’s had that, and they want it.
It will be many years before marriage is redefined in our culture. While the Pill allowed some change in marriage, those who are trying to push back on birth control by women, are also trying to push us back into the kitchen.
Marriage is not healthy for independent women. Not yet.
Dawn you are so right!
His job may have been the only thing that made him feel like the strong, supportive, independent provider for you, it’s not always about control. Your independence and drive to work for your own money made him feel weak, and took away the only role he knew, the typical provisional male. It is hard for men to show their love in the form that women want us to. Love is your language. Respect is our language. Doing respectable things for our wives and families, in our minds, equates to loving our wives and families. You want a loving partner based on your ideas of showing love. He was showing love in the only way he understood. You can be independent and still give your man the respect he deserves.
In doing so (giving unconditional respect), he most likely will show you the form of love you long for. But he should also learn to show you unconditional love in the form that you desire. Without that the problem is not solved. But the effort can be made and most likely the change will occur that you have been looking for.
Yes, I do. And I just realized why, Women have to be flexible we are expected to respond when men want us to. A big part of the building a bond is building trust and men like to know they can trust you. Think about all the games they play to pretend like they aren’t that interested, just to manipulate women into responding when they call.
Then throughout the relationship, it requires declaring your own actions, repeatedly and being extra careful to be sensitive with them. We lose ourselves because it is expected of us and if we are lonely or insecure or we don’t know men very well, these things are amplified.
So I’m sure there is a lot more to it, but I just realized this much anyway. Anyone know how to avoid this pitfall? That is what I need to figure out.
The answer is simple. Women lean more towards involvement when in a relationship, men lean towards independence. Women think they lose themselves in a relationship, but in reality, that is their natural tendency, to “become involved” to the point where self-identity is muddled with the identity of “mother” and “wife” ( 95% of the time this is the case). The traits that identify the woman are not lost, rather they are transformed and adaptations occur according to the familial role women are placed in. This feeling of transformation equates to a feeling of loss of the woman’s former traits. The traits that she feels made her the woman she is. This is not a bad thing, women go through much more significant emotional and physical changes than men when entering the “partner” role, and especially when entering the “parental” role.
Twitter: OMGchronicles
says:
There is no such thing as “natural tendency,” for men or women. But, please, do go on.
In a hypothetical marriage, become overly involved in a man’s life and see how he reacts. Become overly independent as a man in a marriage and the woman will feel unloved and unnecessary. This is problematic because women understand the language of love, and have a basic need for love. On the contrary, become overly involved in a woman’s life and she thrives on the attention and feels loved and paid attention to (to a point of course). Become overly independent from a man and he feels a loss of respect (but no sense of love is lost for the woman). This is problematic however, as respect is one of man’s basic needs. Without that respect it is hard for a man to show the form of love that women want. They tend to stonewall. It is a natural tendency in women to be mothers and produce offspring/care for those offspring, and is definitely a natural tendency in human beings to want a mate or partner. It is also a natural tendency in males to reproduce with females. Tell me again how there is “no such thing as natural tendency…”
@VickiLarson… You ask a critical question yet offer no solution. The solution is resolution; very seldom is divorce the answer (there are the few cases where it is the answer, of course). Divorcing to experience independence and “freedom” doesn’t solve why you feel that way in your relationship, and it is just as easy to get caught in that cycle with someone else. If your husband is a good-willed human being that married you because he loves you, is desiring independence a good enough reason to divorce?