Vicki Larson's OMG Chronicles

I’m back to thinking about marriage again.

I know; it’s like I have a one-track mind but in doing research for The New I Do, I pretty much have to (nice excuse, right?)

With all the negative things we hear about marriage — from sexless, loveless marriages to the high rate of infidelity to the stress of living 24/7 with the same person for decades — and with the high divorce rate, you have to ask (well, at least I do), why do you want to get married?

So why do you?

That’s when I stumbled upon a post by Psychology Today blogger (and New York City professor) Mark D. White, “The Wrong Reason to Get Married — and the Right Way to Think about It.”

He lists three ways singles think about marriage:

• People who are happiest when single and don’t want to commit to any one person.
• People who would like to be coupled, but who are content to stay single until The One comes along.
• People who just want to be married — period — even if it’s not to someone who’s the best fit. They have the “urge to merge.”

He’s worried about the last group, as we all should. Hello, Kim?

As he writes, people like that (my emphasis) …

place the highest value on the end result — marriage — and as a result they wind up using the other person merely as a means to get it. It’s not about the other person and being with him or her — this other person is just a way to avoid being alone. …. I’m not saying marriages of convenience (which such nonideal couplings can be called) never work, but when they do, it’s often because the partners never imagine their relationship is anything more. But if you hope that your convenient match will turn into a loving, compassionate relationship, then your goals are inconsistent with your means of achieving them.

There’s a lot of truth in what he’s saying. Afraid of being alone is not a very good reason to marry, especially if you want to have kids.

That’s why the most important question to ask yourself is, Why do I want to get married? Not just, Who do I want to be married to?

And then, define what marriage means to you and what it looks like.

White goes on to say (again, my emphasis):

If you want to find someone, forget about what you’d want if you could design the perfect mate and think about what you need instead — chances are, the two categories will include very different things.

Ah, yes, needs. We marry because we are seeking to fulfill those needs; if we don’t identify what those needs are, we are entering into dangerous territory.

Most of us believe we marry for love, or at least we should marry for love. But as I’ve said before, love really isn’t all we marry for. We marry to fulfill certain needs, so let’s stop pretending it’s all about love.

Because most of us can’t even agree on what love is.

So, why do you (did you) want to get married?