There have been lots of responses to my Huffington Post piece “Why Men Need to Cheat” (at last count, 4,042 comments and a lot of responses throughout the web, including one by Chopper Papa), but I then I got an email from a reader who calls himself U.G. Gold. Mr. Gold, a self-described conservative (take that, Culture and Media Institute!), cc’d Dr. Eric Anderson as well, and noted “it’s a true insult to your research to totally dismiss it as a ‘liberal war on marriage.'” 
Thank you, Mr. Gold, because it isn’t an attack on marriage or anything else; it is questioning whether monogamy (and you don’t have to be married to be monogamous or not) is working for couples when divorce rates are between 43 percent and 50 percent often because of infidelity.
So, here’s Mr. Gold’s response — I welcome comments (but I won’t approve any that attack the person and not the idea; that accomplished nothing to further the dialog):
Why Men Need to Cheat (Male Response)
I have two very close female friends who have recently divorced for the most part due to cheating husbands. One showed me Vicki Larson’s article yesterday which I found quite interesting but, it never really answered the question of “Why Men Cheat.” For those with heart conditions, bruised egos, low self-esteem, and/or are currently in a workplace which frowns upon screaming obscenities at the computer monitor followed by smashing your keyboard across your cubicle you may want to read this another time. It’s brutally honest.
My friend Clark Kellogg at CBS Sports told me some time ago – “always take away at least one thing from what every coach tells you.” I couldn’t agree more. If you take one thing away from this article for remainder of your wonderful life may it be the following: “A man is only as faithful as his next best option.”
I love sociology and my career has given me the opportunity to see massive amounts of information compiled into neat little data models. I admire sociologist Eric Anderson’s work on the subject and I will be sure to read his new book when it hits the shelves. However, I found his answers to Vicki’s questions “perplexing” because his solution for cheating men seemed to be, “let him have sex with other women every once in awhile and your relationship will be better.” Umm … no. I don’t recommend that, while it may work for the very bold, open relationships or the occasional threesome it’s typically setting you up for failure later. Trust me — I’m not only a client, I’m the former Open Relationship President.
I’ve always told the women I’m close to “don’t take advice from women when it comes to men.” Ninety percent of the time women completely wrong when it comes to males and the other 10 percent is usually just pure luck (even a broken clock is right twice a day). The exceptions I’ve found are the incomparable Dr. Laura Schlessinger and Stephanie Klein. Gay men can be an excellent resource too but, there’s slight slant to their advice, which is why I couldn’t quite grasp Dr. Anderson’s artful answers until further inspection. The real question is where the need to cheat comes from and there are 3 very simple responses to that question. Basically men are simple and for the most part stupid. We don’t need to be dissected and posed thought provoking philosophical questions to give meaningful answers.
A real-life courtroom tape went something like this:
Lawyer: Mr. Hobson, even though Mrs. WeinMaker was married to my client and your executive assistant – you ignored your own company policy and engaged in sexual intercourse in your own office. Mr. Hobson, can you explain why you had sex with Mrs. WeinMaker?
Mr. Hobson: She was naked.
(Laughter)
Lawyer: Is there any other reason Mr. Hobson?
Mr. Hobson: She had big breasts.
(Now, to preface I’m only addressing long-term relationships/ marriages of people between the ages of 24-47; not past 47 because menopause starts to set in and that’s whole different animal).
3 Good Reasons Why Your Man Will Cheat
1. You’re built like a stack of dirty laundry.
Seriously, if you’ve been to the post office more times in the last six months than you’ve been to the gym there in may lay the problem. Let’s not kid ourselves – pounds lead to porn. If you’re looking in the mirror every morning and don’t like what you see, how do you think he’s feeling. I’m not saying you need to look like Jillian Michaels but, almost every time I watch Dr. Phil he’s got some monster-sized chick next to him crying with tissues saying “He doesn’t appreciate me like used too …” No! What he doesn’t appreciate is you making a second trip to that damn chocolate fountain at Golden Corral. Counselor Gary Neuman said it best on Oprah — “men like winning and you have to make him feel like a winner.” We do … not necessarily in the Charlie Sheen sense of “winning” nonetheless, we want to have a bigger, better trophy than the other guy. And no trophy is more important than his wife. You must remember you are not only representative of him at all times but a metaphysical extension of him and if you don’t feel or look good then the catalyst for his very existence is broken. Yes, it’s that deep.
2. You’re too tired to have sex.
Well … we started two wars, our financial system nearly collapsed, and everybody was broke for awhile because Hillary Clinton was too tired to have sex with Bill. This one is a no-brainer. And I don’t want to hear the complaining about “well he just doesn’t know how to get me hot anymore”. Listen if your man has to be an Ice Road Trucker and drive his fingers across the frozen tundra just to get you warmed up night after night then one day he’s going to drop his logs off somewhere easier to park. Get my drift. Now, I’m not saying you have to be a wanton Taiwanese sex slave either but, if you aren’t having sex at least once a week or the optimal twice a week then something is definitely wrong. I know after 10 years of marriage things die down but, if he’s making an effort then you need to be receptive as possible. If he’s not making an effort then, refer back to No. 1 above.
3. You’re married to a slut.
Yes. There are male sluts. Like this guy in Esquire magazine. He is a just a slut, not a man or a husband and I pity his poor wife. Now, if I can’t marry a slut, a stripper, or a former porn-star what makes you think you can? If you’re still reading this then you may either a) want to know if your current boyfriend/spouse is cheating or, b) want to know how to find one that won’t cheat. Easy… where did you find him? Did you find him in bar lost like a stray dog looking for water? Do you know how many women your man has been with? You should have some idea. Has he cheated on another girl in the past? Did he cheat to get with you? Do his friends make statements like “I never thought we’d get him to settle down.” Well then girlfriend, you may have Paris Hilton without the billion dollars.
In short, don’t give up on monogamy. There are still plenty of good men out there looking for just one good woman to take care of for the rest of their lives.
Best of Luck
U.G. Gold
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Twitter: chopperpapa
says:
Spoken like a former president of The Male Chauvinist Federation (did I mention I’m a dude?) I was slightly intrigued until he brought up Dr. Laura Schlessinger (I’m convinced she may be the anti-Christ).
#1 is especially insightful. Obviously Mr. Gold has never stepped foot into a gym himself, otherwise he’d have removed this first point entirely. I’ve been in a men’s gym locker room and let me just say that I can understand why women don’t want to have sex a husband who hasn’t see his heart rate move above AT since the Bush Administration (and I’m talking about the first Bush). I’m disgusted by these men and I have no intention of sleeping with any of them. Bro, you need a wax, a pound of fat burners, a serious mani/pedi, stat! Porn usage among women is on the rise and now we know why. Finally, his argument assumes that every woman a man cheats with is hotter than his wife to which I have three words. Camilla. Parker. Boyles.
#3 is also tasty. Listen I’m 41 years old and am with the hottest woman on the planet, period. But there are times when all I want is a peck on the cheek and sleep. I’m tired, it’s been a long day, I had to slay a dragon, balance my checkbook, and write a report on the Benefits of Cuticle Oil all before 3PM. I’ve talked to enough men to know that it just goes down hill as I get older. By the time a guy hits 45 he’s usually good for one rodeo every two days. At best! And men stop being sluts when they have to pay for it in order get it. Then they just become losers.
While Mr. Gold was entertaining he’s not even in the ball park.
Twitter: OMGchronicles
says:
@Chopper Papa — Sorry I didn’t reply before; what was I doing? Anyway, thanks for commenting.
Had to laugh on your response to No. 1! Looking like a “sack of laundry” won’t mean a man will be led to temptation (as you say, Camilla, plus all the hot women who’ve been cheater on). But husbands and wives men who let themselves go … why? It’s not healthy, it’s not attractive and it does nothing to boost how one feels about oneself or one’s sex life.
As for the sex part, I’m not sure if a rodeo every two days is accurate post-45. Put him with Angelina Jolie (or whoever his lust object is) and watch him ride the rodeo at least once a day or more. Same for middle-aged women; I can’t tell you how many wives complain about low libido — then just watch them relish sex post-divorce. Variety is exciting, period. At least for a while, and we seem to rise for the occasion (no pun intended … well, maybe).
@ ChopperPoppa – Um, I’d tell you what I bench but , you probably wouldn’t believe me. Thank you for your comments and while I aim for entertainment value, I more wanted to speak the truth. While there can be a 100 reasons why a man cheats they all end up coming down to the 3 basic items I mentioned. And if she is hot, then usually #3 is the problem. Hot women, typically are with very desirable men – and desirable men are the hardest thing on the planet to find. Thus, they are highly sought after… and they cheat.
@ Ms. Vicki – “Post-divorce sex”??? I guess it’s a real term but, it shouldn’t be. Its like saying “post-funeral drinking” is more fun. I agree variety is exciting… but if you go into 31 flavors and try them all I guarantee you won’t feel good in the end.
Monogamy is the best bet.
Twitter: OMGchronicles
says:
@Gold — If monogamy is the best bet then why are so many of us doing a crappy job at it?
Cheating happens because we are goddamn mammals. Animals in nature benefit from having multiple sexual partners. Monogamy was invented so that in a patriarchal society men could be sure they were only furthering their own lineage. Thanks to women’s empowerment, the end of most dynasties and the invention of birth control, there’s little reason to care. Mammals are not monogamous. The highly debated exceptions being prairie voles, wolves and coyotes.
People are mammals. That’s why cheating happens. That’s why about 40% of marriages have known instances of infidelity.
Don’t blame the fat or the farts, or the fact that you’re tired.
Your tired of trying to bang the same person in new ways and appreciate what you’ve got without any comparison. It doesn’t have to be anyone’s fault that you want to fuck someone new. Your spouse is probably bored too, that’s why they’ll be pissed when they find out you’re cheating. Maybe get a threesome going. Sex is just sex unless you’re in love.
If you actually are appalled by your significant other and you decide to cheat rather than talk to them about it you’ve got some issues. You both deserve out.
Just my two cents.
Twitter: OMGchronicles
says:
Thanks for your reply. Yes, we are mammals and yes it can be hard to keep lust and desire alive for decades. That’s why we promote discussions about monogamy in “The New I Do: Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists and Rebels.” Monogamy shouldn’t be assumed; it should be a choice and one that is made (or not) mutually throughout a relationship.
Maybe it isn’t that monogamy is failing men. Maybe too many men have lost touch what it means to have integrity. When cheating and lying to the person you love becomes more valuable than your integrity, you cheat. It’s really that simple. People make a lot of excuses about it, most notably that men are hardwired to cheat so it’s okay. It’s not.
So men blame this problem on monogamy? That is so stupid. Such men will find, when they exit their monogamous relationship, or cheat or what have you, that they still crave the emotional ties with a partner. So they want their cake and to eat it too but what they don’t usually want, while they sleep around with other women, is their own woman to do the same with other men. So they lie. And they blame this on monogamy. Monogamy is not the problem.
You see, there is terrible denial going on here. No one wants to admit they lack integrity. No one wants to admit they cheat and lie and they are a dishonest scumbag. Most men will say, “I’m honest in all other parts of my life but I just can’t stay faithful, because I’m hardwired that way. So I do have integrity, even though I lie and cheat.” If you are this kind of man, saying this kind of thing to yourself, you are lying to yourself and you are cheating yourself, not just the people you love.
To me, men who cheat and lie and make excuses for it aren’t honorable men. That’s really are there is to it. You can wish all day long that you have integrity and you can talk a good game but by the end of the day, only you and your God know how much of it you lack. So you’re not a real man, are you? This is a terrible psychological conflict for unfaithful men. So often you tell yourselves that real men cheat and good women should let them. It’s a total cop out and the easy way out and it comes at the expense of your loved one. That doesn’t make you an admirable person. It makes you a douchebag. Just because other douchebags flock around you and tell you it’s okay doesn’t mean it is okay. When the man with integrity does finally show up, you’ll feel really, really tiny, on the inside.
Deny it all you want but there you have it.
Thank you!! So True and needed to be said!