There’s been a lot of talk about so-called gray divorces — people aged 50 and older who exit their often long-term marriage for a variety of reasons. Some look forward to their newfound freedom as singles, some seek casual arrangements, some are eager to partner again but not marry, and some remarry and replicate the kind of lifestyle they had but with a better match. 
Many divorced men are eager to tie the knot again while many divorced women are “been there, done that” when it comes to marrying again, but still — there’s a certain percentage of women who’d like to be a Mrs.
What are their chances?
Many of us gals have been told — and thus believe — that middle-aged men aren’t interested in dating middle-aged women, just younger women, and to a certain extent that’s true. Some men aren’t, but others are. But what kind of men?
This is when it can get sticky.
Divorced people have ‘baggage’
Most middle-aged people who marry are marrying for the second — or third or fourth or more — time. So we’re divorced, meaning we have former spouses, possibly children and possibly stepchildren and a whole host of, well, complications.
How does that work? Well, according to the authors of Marriage markets and assortative mating in first marriages and remarriages in the USA, “Divorced persons, especially women, face serious deficits in the supply of suitable marital partners, i.e., those matched on similar characteristics.”
OK, fine. So, does that mean divorced men and women are “settling”?
According to the study, “Divorced persons seemingly ‘cast a wider net’ in the search for mates. The only exception is that men and women, in seeking partners for first marriage or remarriage, apparently do not compromise on their aspirations for a spouse with high income.”
Wider nets? There doesn’t seem to be anything wrong with that. Wouldn’t that mean that we’re more accepting of more people — perhaps going out of our comfort zone — and less focused on finding “perfection”?
As long as they meet our core values, is there a problem?
High income? Well, getting old can be expensive. There doesn’t seem to be anything wrong with wanting someone who has the means to care for his or her own health needs, and maybe ours. And many older people who marry again have prenups — a smart move for couples of any age but especially later in life when people typically have more assets.
Remarriages are shifting roles
The study states the obvious while acknowledging the reality, especially since four out of 10 new marriages in 2013 included at least one partner who had been married before:
Remarriages represent a growing share of all marriages in the United States and often include partners with different personal characteristics and more complicated relationship histories. Remarriage imposes an ambiguous set of role obligations and normative constraints on family life, which makes previously married persons arguably less attractive in the marriage market … Patterns of marital homogamy between first marriages and remarriages reflect different marital preferences, disparate marriage market conditions, and unequal exchanges with partners who bring different traits to the marital market. Growing shares of previously married persons are fundamentally changing U.S. marriage market conditions.
I don’t see any problem with disrupting “role obligations.” I think many women would actually like to be finally free from the roles their partners and society have thrust upon them — the caregiver — especially if they were raising children, and I imagine many men might might appreciate new roles, too.
As for the growing numbers of previously married persons “fundamentally changing U.S. marriage market conditions,” maybe that speaks to a fundamental truth — marriage isn’t always “until death,” and people want and need different things at different times of their life. Given that, perhaps it’s time to rethink the way we view marriage and what determines a “suitable” marital partner. We might need several …
Interested in creating a second (or third or fourth or …) marriage that’s right for you? (Of course you do!) Find The New I Do: Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists and Rebels (Seal Press) at your indie bookstore or on Amazon; follow us on Twitter and like us on Facebook.
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