We are coming up on Mother’s Day and I am reflecting on my life as a mom and here’s what I’ve come to realize — I was a bad mother. Not to my two boys (well, they’ll have to be the judge of that but, hey, that’s what shrinks are for), but to myself. For whatever reason, I bought into the whole mothers are selfless thing (although some argue motherhood’s actually a quite selfish and privileged thing) and I forgot to acknowledge that I had needs, too. And it wasn’t that I was necessarily looking for someone else — like my then-husband — to take care of all my needs. I was a bad mother because I forgot to take care of my own needs. 
But, I’m getting ahead of myself.
I love my boys, now young men, and proud of the people they’ve become, and I can’t imagine not having them in my life. That said, there are a few things I’d do differently. If you are a mom, or a mom-to-be or want to be a mom one day, here are my thoughts. Do with them what you will.
Practice self-care
My former sister-in-law once gave me a trivet that states, “If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” It isn’t too far from the truth; you just can’t be present as a mother, as a partner, if you’re run ragged. And that affects the whole family dynamic.
When my kids were young, there was a family I knew that always had a nanny or au pair. The mother didn’t work and I often thought — why the heck do you need a nanny when a parent’s at home for the kids? Well, now I get it; the mom took care of herself, she and her husband were able to nurture their relationship, and their kids had loving caregivers to look after them. What is wrong with that scenario? Right, nothing.
OK, not everyone can afford a live-in nanny. Still, every mother can find ways to care for her soul, her body, her intellect, her mental health. For whatever stupid reason, I did not give myself permission to do that, but you can. Do it. Do it daily. Make it a priority.
Let Dad do his thing
Not everyone has a partner, but if you do and you’re hetero (same-sex couples often have a different dynamic when it comes to raising kids), please allow your partner to be a fully hands-on, engaged father and don’t be a gatekeeper. I was a bit guilty of that myself. I didn’t get it until I divorced and we had 50-50 physical custody, and that’s when I began to understand — men are perfectly capable of taking on tasks they’ve often never had to deal with before. In fact, they become much better dads post-divorce. Sure, it’s important that you and your partner are on the same page about the big stuff — discipline, social media use, education, bedtime, etc. But all the other stuff? Let Dad deal with the kids his way so you can focus on other things and he can have the relationship he wants with his kids. If we just expect that he can and will do it — because we’ve had the necessary conversations — we can just … let it go. Freedom!
Gather a village
I was not prepared for the psychological and physiological impacts of having a baby, even though people told me what it was like and even though I probably read just about every parenting book that had ever been written (which, of course, created additional unnecessary anxiety). As much as I loved being with my boys, being a mom often felt like an isolating and exhausting existence.
So much of the advice parents — especially moms — get on life after baby has to do with maintaining sex and intimacy between the couple, and how to raise healthy, happy kids. It rarely addresses the fact that it takes a village to make that happen. Because it does. Children change everything for a couple, and if you happen to have special needs kids or kids who don’t fit neatly into the “typical kid” box, well, the challenges are huge. It took me awhile to find a village, but I’m so thankful I did. Find a way to part of something bigger than your nuclear or single-parent family. You and your children will be blessed.
To all the moms out there, happy Mother’s Day.
Want to have a parenting marriage? Read The New I Do: Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists and Rebels (Seal Press). You can support your local indie bookstore or order it on Amazon.
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