There are so many things to be paying attention to and concerned about during the coronavirus pandemic. We are facing something we have never experienced before, with huge health ramifications right now that are sure to grow, and economic ramifications that will last for a long time, with no end in sight.
And we are seeing some ugly side of human nature play out, from panic buying to racist attacks on Chinese people as our president insists on framing the pandemic as the “Chinese virus” and “foreign virus.”
As disturbing as those are — and they are disturbing — I am seeing some other narrow-minded thinking, especially when it comes to defining “family.”
I was lucky to be out in nature this weekend before Marin County parks, beaches and open spaces were shut down because of the crowds. A group of five young women were attempting to take a selfie — 6-feet apart and socially distancing as California and other states have been encouraged or required to follow.
I offered to take a photo of them and they took me up on it. When they returned to their blanket, they were no longer 6 feet apart, so I made a joke about that.
“Oh, well, we live together,” one said good-naturedly. And I realized I had made an assumption.
The traditional nuclear family is rare
A lot of us are making assumptions nowadays as we attempt to police who might be breaking the social distancing rules. Families don’t have to be 6-feet apart from each other, obviously, but what defines a family nowadays, when families no longer look like the traditional nuclear family (which was a blip in history, anyway) — mom, dad and 2.5 kids?
“Everyday, I have been seeing hoards of bikers and hikers — clearly not related nor living under the same roof,” someone ranted in a post on Nextdoor. But how would anyone know who was related to whom and who lived with whom? The five young women I photographed may not have been blood family, but they lived together under one roof, not unlike like “The Golden Girls” — why would they need to be 6 feet apart from each other?
The U.S. Census defines a family as consisting of “two or more people (one of whom is the householder) related by birth, marriage, or adoption residing in the same housing unit.” That, sadly doesn’t take into account couples, married or not, who live apart together (also known as LATs), or even long-term committed cohabitors.
So it isn’t just marriage that makes a family. And as more people choose to remain single, families of choice may become more important — and perhaps even more enduring — than families of origin or by marriage.
We probably shouldn’t be too sure we “know” who’s related or living under the same roof or not.
Who’s in charge anyway?
In addition to not knowing who is related to whom and who lives with whom, we often make assumptions about who is in charge of children.
In California and elsewhere, schools are closed and children are at home. What does that home look like? Is it a married mom and dad, a cohabiting couple, stepparents, grandparents, foster parents, a single mom, a single dad, a gay couple, a lesbian couple, a throuple?
Who knows? It shouldn’t matter as long as the children are being loved and cared for.
And yet, there’s only one person who seems to be at fault when kids aren’t paying attention to the shelter-in-place, social-distancing rules.
Guess who it is?
Oh, you know exactly who it is.
On one Facebook post making the rounds, someone complained that teens were hanging around and not social distancing. “Quarantine is not spring break. Moms, check your teenagers.”
Moms.
Even in a more positive post, about not needing to have a perfect home life during this stressful time when so much is being expected at home while schools are closed, the message is clear — there’s only one person in charge:
My house is not a school. It’s a place to feel safe, loved and encouraged … especially during this time. I have given myself a lot of grace during this time and am doing the BEST I can. … Because if this quarantine has taught me anything it’s that we got all the time in the world right now! TAG a mom that needs to hear it!”
Tag a mom. Not a dad, not a parent, not the caregiver. Just Mom. Even if there’s no mom. Or two moms. Or any other way children can be raised in a loving family.
Language matters
I know. I hear you. People are dying, people are suffering, people are losing jobs, businesses, everything. Life feels impossible and overwhelming right now, and I imagine it will be that way for a long time to come.
What we need right now is gratitude for what we have and compassion, and to be able to show up as best we can for each other. And that also means being aware that our language around family may be hurtful to others.
Don’t assume you can tell who’s a family and who isn’t and who lives together and who doesn’t. Don’t assume children have a mom or a dad. If you have to assume anything right now, assume everyone is struggling and needs help, and maybe you can show up for them.
Stay safe, stay human.
Want to learn how to individualize your marriage? (Of course you do!) Read The New I Do: Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists and Rebels (Seal Press). You can support your local indie bookstore (please do) or order it on Amazon. And we’re now on Audible.
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