As soon as I got the Airbnb inquiry from a man to rent the bedroom in my house for one night so he and his (unnamed) friend could take part in a race early the next day, I had a gut reaction. I’ve had experience with friends sharing an Airbnb before. “To be clear,” I wrote, “you are renting one queen-sized bed in one bedroom with a private bath and access to the rest of the house and garden.”
His response confirmed my gut. “Can my friend sleep on the couch?”
No, I wrote back.
“What if we bring a sleeping bag?”
And that’s when I “got” the gender of his friend — another dude, and even though they were friends (longtime friends, he later revealed), there was discomfort in sharing a bed together.
No, I again wrote back. The couch is part of the living room/dining room/ kitchen, which is a shared space — the last thing I want to do when I wake up and enjoy my morning soy cappuccino at the dining room table is to have to deal with a dude sleeping on the couch. Not happening, at least not for the rate I charge.
This is something I just don’t understand. Except, I do.
Women share tents and beds
Earlier this year, I traveled with a bunch of friends to New Orleans and four of us gals got a two-bedroom Airbnb knowing there would be two gals to a bed. This is basically how my girlfriends and I almost always travel — a shared bed or tent, and what’s the problem?
Yet it seems to be a problem for men. Interestingly enough, I’m just at the chapter in Liz Plank’s book, For the Love of Men, that addresses male friendships, or lack thereof.
In her exploration of what happened to the intimate bonds between men, which historically had been seen as the highest kind of love, she discovered that there was a defining moment that shut it all down for guys.
Homophobia.
Once homosexuality went from being seen as a behavior to being associated with a mental disorder and later criminalized, then of course men would tamp down any PDA with male friends, even their closest, dearest friends. And even though we are so much more accepting of, if not always embracing, LGBTQ people nowadays, “the skeleton of homophobia is still the pillar of mainstream masculinity culture, because the rules haven’t been rewritten,” she writes.
The beginning of the ‘man box’
This was also addressed in a wonderful article on the Art of Manliness website, along with a bunch of photos showing men being openly affectionate with other men. It all changed in the 20th century, when men were shoved into what’s known as the “man box”:
Men went from lavishing endearing words on each other and holding hands to avoiding too much emotional bonding or any sort of physical affections whatsoever. Fear of being called gay drove much of the transformation. Ministers and politicians decried homosexuality as being incompatible with true manhood. … Additionally, market economics began to influence male friendships. The Industrial Revolution and ideas like Social Darwinism changed the way men viewed each other. Instead of being a potential friend, the man next to you was competition.
And thus my young male Airbnb guest found himself trying to reconfigure the one-bed-one-room stay so he did not have to sleep in the same bed as his friend for a few hours before they woke up early to take part in a run.
I am trying to be empathetic, but I am struggling. How horrible would it be if people thought you might be gay? True, that might be uncomfortable or even, sadly, still dangerous in some parts of the country, but in the liberal San Francisco Bay Area? (My guest is from Seattle, another liberal enclave.)
Uncomfortable misunderstandings
Granted, I know how it feels to have a situation misunderstood. It felt bad when, newly divorced, I had coffee or a glass a wine with a male friend and had friends who ran into us and assumed that we were dating — god forbid friends of opposite sexes have a good time together in public!
Sadly, that’s because of the man box. Two women enjoying time together are rarely an eyebrow-raising problem, even if they’re sharing a bed; our sexuality is rarely questioned (although Oprah — one of the most famous, richest and powerful, and unmarried, women in the world — has been).
A man with a women? He obviously wants to screw her — or is. A man with a man? If they’re not clearly doing work-related stuff or sports stuff, they’re suspect. And this is why men are suffering from a loneliness crisis.
Men need friends
As the mom of two young men, the man box and lack of male friendship concerns me. My gal friends have helped me get through hard times as much as they have helped me celebrate good times; I’m hopeful I have done the same for them. Each of my sons has one close male friend, but like many men, they have lost others along the way to manhood and thus invest most of their emotional energy in their romantic partners. That’s a problem.
My Airbnb guests are going to spend the night in the same room after all. The guy who booked the room asked if it would be OK if one of them slept on the floor next to the bed. I told him that I really didn’t care how they configure the sleeping arrangements in the room that night. But inwardly, I felt sad for them — two longtime close friends who can’t even share a queen-sized bed for eight hours, give or take, with no one around to judge them except an Aibnb host who doesn’t think it’s weird if two friends, of any gender, share a bed. Or are affectionate toward each other.
I actually think the world would be a much better place if men were.
Want to learn how to talk to your partner about intimacy? (Of course you do!) Read The New I Do: Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists and Rebels (Seal Press). You can support your local indie bookstore or order it on Amazon. And we’re now on Audible.
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