A recent date:
Him: So, have you ever written a book?
Me: I have! Well, co-wrote one. It’s on marriage.
Him: Cool. What about marriage?
Me: Mostly that the institution needs to be updated to better reflect who we are today and why we marry even though no one needs to nowadays.
Him: Interesting. What sparked that?
Which sparked a spirited evening … in my dreams.
Here’s how it actually went down:
Him: So, have you ever written a book?
Me: I have! Well, co-wrote one. It’s on marriage.
Crickets, and then a new topic. And then ghosted.
Now, it’s true that a conversation about marriage, even a conversation about a book about marriage, might make anyone uncomfortable early on. I get it. Still, if a man I recently met tells me he’s written a book or a screenplay or an article or a blog or has/had an art exhibit, etc., I’m going to acknowledge it and ask — tell me more.
Because I want to know how and why and etc. Because I’m curious and interested. Isn’t that why you invest time and energy to date?
Can’t say that’s what I see out there in dating land.
I generally don’t bring up my book or other accomplishments when first meeting people; seems like bragging. But I was asked, so I answered.
Be smart, just not too smart
I know that studies say men, as much as they say they want a smart, successful and confident woman, actually don’t choose a woman who’s smarter and more successful than he is to be his romantic partner.
My friend who’s an ER doctor says she works in the medical field at first, otherwise it’s intimidating.
But to not even be curious about a woman’s life, work or passions?
Hmm.
Which made me think of a comment someone made on an article on how to find The One (a stupid concept) I read recently, on how we present ourselves as potential partners on dating site and apps and what we say we’re looking for.
Therein lies the rub.
Naming our worst traits
Maybe instead of presenting our best and what we want in others, we might want to consider what we find challenging about ourselves as romantic partners.
(I’m not saying this is a good idea; I’m just saying it’s a potentially good idea.)
In that light, the commenter says he built an anti-list: Reasons not to date me:
This was not a list of traits I wanted in another person, but a list of traits in myself that I thought most potential partners would find objectionable. I traveled the country visiting ex-lovers and interviewed them about the end of our relationship. I gave them the list and asked them if I’d missed anything.
Then I found someone who didn’t see any dealbreakers in my list (and found some of the items positive). She made her own list of reasons not to date her and presented it to me. I didn’t see any dealbreakers in her list either, and some were positive also. We’ve been together for nine years and I believe our relationship has improved over that time. This approach worked well for us.
Which made me pause. I don’t have a list of must-haves, but I have a few non-negotiable things a potential partner can’t be or have. That said, I have never really given much thought about why someone might want to be cautious in becoming romantically involved with me or not. My MO would be that I’m pretty much a catch!
Clearly not, especially if I mention my book …
I imagine some men might not appreciate my approach to love, life, sex, relationships — they can be a bit out there. I’ve also been married and divorced twice, so there’s that. And let’s face it, we’re all a little walking wounded and have family of origin issues; I have worked hard on addressing mine but old behaviors pop out from time to time.
Nevertheless, it’s a good exercise to make an honest list of traits in yourself that potential partners might find objectionable. If nothing else, you’ll be acknowledging things about yourself that you know — or have been told — are challenging and may need to work on.
And if you can’t find any, that’s probably your biggest barrier to finding a partner!
You want to know about my book, right? (Of course you do!) Read The New I Do: Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists and Rebels (Seal Press). You can support your local indie bookstore (please do) or order it on Amazon.
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