Gwyneth Paltrow has done it again. She’s upset people because she chooses to follow her own path instead of one society thinks she should be in because, well, “everyone knows divorce is hard and everyone knows married couples live together. Gwyneth has proven them wrong yet again. Recently, she announced that she and her new hubby, Brad Falchuk, live near each other but not together. He has his own house and she has hers — what’s called a live apart together (LAT) relationship. They spend four nights together, which she says is sparking interest among those she knows: “Oh, all my married friends say that the way we live sounds ideal and we shouldn’t change a thing.”
Right, they shouldn’t, because, No. 1, that’s what they want to do as a couple and, No. 2, see No. 1. How — and why — would anyone argue with the way two people decide they want to arrange their life together?
The reason, she says, is for “polarity,” which is probably as confusing and upsetting a term as “conscious uncoupling” was to hear (confusing, OK, although why people find that upsetting is, well, upsetting) — which basically means keeping the relationship exciting, aka absence makes the heart grow fonder and maintains eroticism (see Esther Perel for more on that).
And that’s true, according to studies although none of us should have to rely on studies to know what feels good and true for us on an organic level as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone else or ourselves.
LATs — only for the rich
Needless to say, the Gwyneth haters, of which there are many, came down hard on her (and curiously, not on Brad — and why is that?) for living her best, most authentic life. On The View, Meghan McCain repeated one of the top myths about LATs — that you have to be wealthy to live separately, what she says “sounds like rich people stuff. “
Really? Because before two people meet each other, aren’t they already living somewhere — solo or with roommates (something I addressed before)? And even if they’re poor youngsters living at home with their parents, would living together to save costs be the best way to start a romantic relationship? Of course not.
LAT as visionary
The View‘s Sunny Hostin wonders if Gwyneth’s a visionary, as if there weren’t already some 3.9 million people in 2017 who live apart from their spouses (all military spouses expect they will, by the way) as well as the few million more who are committed but not married and are in LAT relationships.
And as if this hasn’t occurred throughout history and within various cultures — why do we prioritize one uber-Westernized, version?
To be clear, I am not a fan of Gwyneth’s heath suggestions, many of which have been challenged by Dr. Jen Gunter, who has garnered some fame for that. And, you know, I absolutely am not going to be steaming my vagina or putting jade eggs into it or whatever Gwyneth promotes via her company, Goop.
But when it comes to divorcing the way she and Chris Marin did, honoring the love they once had for each other as well as the two children they have together, and the way she was willing to go to uncomfortable places when she married Brad, which has led to their mutually satisfying LAT arrangement, well, all I can say is the rest of us could learn a lot from her, which I chatted with the BBC about this past weekend.
She’s not a visionary, but she is willing to question to romantic script — and chose a different script that works for her. Is that something you want to do, too?
Want to explore a live apart together marriage? (Of course you do!) Then read The New I Do: Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists and Rebels (Seal Press). You can support your local indie bookstore (please do) or order it on Amazon.
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