Jennifer Lopez and Alex Rodriguez announced their engagement this week, which isn’t all that weird considering the couple have been dating since 2017. But Lopez, who has been married three times, has said she was in no rush to walk down the aisle again — if ever — because she didn’t “need to be married to be happy.”
Good on her.
But fans seemed to want her and A-Rod, who also has been married before, to finally put a ring on it, and it doesn’t help that people like Ellen DeGeneres keep pressing her and others, like Nicki Minaj, Nick Jonas (before he tied the knot with Priyanka Chopra last year), Debra Messing and, famously, Saoirse Ronan, among others, about their love life and marital plans.
And now, well, Lopez is going to be married … unless her engagement ends up as just that — an engagement and not a marriage, as her engagement to Ben Affleck ended up to be.
Why did she change her mind?
So, was Lopez not really speaking the truth when she said she didn’t need to have a ring on it to feel good about her life and her man? Was marriage what she really wanted and she was just hoping he’d read her mind?
Hard to know. Maybe she didn’t want to say in public what she felt in her heart. I get it. Most of us are not on TV talk shows or in magazines talking about what we want and expect from a romantic relationship and all the hype than brings. But we do get and feel pressure from friends and family about our relationships. And, we do have needs, wants and expectations from our romantic partner — are we always honest with him or her about that? What if we are honest, but then our needs, wants and expectations change over the course of a relationship?
I’m pretty clear to everyone I’ve dated — I have no desire to be married again; been there, done that, twice. I don’t see a need for it. But, there’s an asterisk — I would consider it if I had partner for whom it really mattered (but I’d prenup the shit out of that). It’s just that I will not be the one saying I want to put a ring on it.
Not every person feels that way.
A friend recently shared that he and his former longtime partner had many discussions about their future life together — did it involve living together (maybe) or marriage at some point (no)? Both seemed to be aligned. And yet, years into their relationship, when they began to struggle and went to couples therapy, she revealed it was always her intention to be married.
Wait, what?
Was she lying — to him or to herself? Had she changed her mind, as people often do? Was denying her truth a ploy or a test to see how committed he was?
Who knows?
You can’t control your partner
The answer doesn’t really matter. What does matter is that those things happen — all the time. Which is why (sorry to repeat myself here) there’s no way to divorce- or affair-proof a marriage. You may be the most honest, loving, kind, communicative person you can be, doing all the “right” things, and your partner may still switch things up on you. He may confess to you after X-years together that he’s gay, as comedian Juliet Jeske’s partner of nine years and husband of seven years did. She may walk down the aisle knowing she’s making a mistake but, hey — everything’s been paid for and it would be too awkward to call it off at the last minute. He may reveal, as you’re trying to get pregnant, that he really doesn’t want to have kids after all, even though you’ve talked about it ad nauseam and thought you were on the same page.
And now here you are, years and emotions invested, and the rug has been pulled out from under you and you no longer have the future you imagined.
Now what?
Beyond even a relationship contract
Coming from a person who advocates for relationship contracts, I realize that I’m not exactly making a strong case for them if I’m acknowledging that people can — and do — change their mind no matter what’s been discussed and agreed to, and I am indeed doing that. A relationship contract offers clarity but it’s not a guarantee. Neither is a marriage license; it just makes the relationship harder to get out of, especially financially, especially if you have young kids, which often keeps people stuck in a marriage, miserably.
Because there are no guarantees when it comes to anything, including — especially — love. You’re either going to throw yourself into it and trust yourself and your partner and enjoy the ride for as long as it lasts, or you’re never going to fully experience love.
Maybe J.Lo was honest — maybe she doesn’t need to be married to be happy. Or maybe she does, and she wasn’t being truthful to A-Rod or herself. Or maybe she just changed her mind.
And maybe she’ll change her mind again after they tie the knot — after all, she did three times before.
Want to individualize your marriage even if it’s not a guarantee? (Of course you do!) Read The New I Do: Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists and Rebels (Seal Press). You can support your local indie bookstore or order it on Amazon.
Loading tweets...
