Vicki Larson's OMG Chronicles

A few of my friends have made a name for themselves by their work, whether as an ER doctor or an author.

One made it by her husband’s infidelity.

Not to say that she wasn’t an amazing woman on her own; she clearly was and is. But when local media picked up on the blog she started about the infidelity that led to the end of her marriage, His Giant Mistake, Cleo (a pseudonym) took it and ran.

Her blog and then book have since catapulted her into another stratosphere, but the underlying message is what she told a reporter back in 2012: “It’s stunning how many people are going through the same thing.” The “thing” being infidelity, which, if it were a disease, might be considered at epidemic proportions. Clearly infidelity impacts us a society, not just as individuals, couples, kids, family and friends, which I why I question what the high rate of infidelity says about marriage.

So, when Cleo and met recently and I asked her how she’s doing, four years post-discovery, I was so happy to learn that she’d doing great, and has poured herself into help others struggling with betrayal with a weekly call series. I don’t want to present divorce as a wonderful life event, but I do want to acknowledge how healthy and happy it can be for those who were in a bad marriage. And I want to acknowledge that there’s an upside even if you weren’t the one who wanted out, even if you  thought you were in a good marriage, as Cleo did.

Here’s what we talked about:

Q: For those who don’t know your background, please share a bit of your story and what your blog, His Giant Mistake, is about.

A: Four years ago I moved across the country to Marin County with my husband, two children and our dog. Six months later, I answered my cell phone and listened to my husband order a bottle of wine to take to his room, with his mistress in tow. I was completely blindsided. It was only a few months earlier that we celebrated our 15^th anniversary with him expressing his joy at being blessed to have me in his life. He denied the affair, but soon I discovered that he had been leading a double life and had been engaged in the affair for at least five years prior to that pocket call. I also discovered that I had met her.

His Giant Mistake was born out of desperation. I was alone, my entire family was back east, I had two little boys who had just been moved across the country. I had a choice — get fearless and make good choices, or screw them up forever. To keep me on track, I started writing HGM.

Q: How has your focus changed since you began blogging?

A: This has not been a linear journey, but I am in a place now where I feel I can explore infidelity and divorce with some distance, providing a perspective that isn’t driven by fear or anger, but by having discovered that in those painful and scary hours some real magic happened. I was fortunate enough to capture it in my writings. In that first year a handbook of sorts was created — how to not vaporize while your world implodes. And now I focus on gathering up those lessons and applying them in this new phase of my life, which honestly isn’t any less challenging, but I am so much more present and courageous.

Q: It seems that a lot of good things have happened since the discovery of your former husband’s affair, your divorce and now. Can you talk about that?

A: I’ve learned to make good choices, courageous choices, and experienced explosive emotional and spiritual growth from a commitment to tireless self-excavation. Writing about it with absolute honesty gave others who experience betrayal a voice. The biggest gift has been becoming a better parent to my children, a more present parent, and a better friend to myself — more loving, supportive, trusting, forgiving. From there my writing blossomed and I was rewarded with a contract to write a remarkable true story of betrayal and redemption set in Afghanistan. It’s a huge challenge and opportunity, the next level of being fearless in life for me.

 Q: You have two young children. How have they handled their new life and what has helped them through the many transitions?

A: They, like many young children, wish Mom and Dad were still together. Divorce complicates the lives of children and they just want their childhood to be free and easy. Given that I can’t undo the choices made by my former spouse, I chose to give my children a reliable, grounded mom. In the first few days I became acutely aware of the fact that I was making memories for them, and I wanted them to be good ones. That said, I’ve done a lot of apologizing to them along the way.

Q: When you look back at where you were in 2011 and now, what would you tell your younger self?

A: One day you will look back fondly on this experience and realize that it was the gateway to the most explosive personal growth in your life. Without it you would have lived an unconscious life and barely scratched the surface of all that is magical on this planet. Your experience with infidelity and divorce will bring you fully to life.

Q: Why did you decide to offer a weekly call series and whom is it for?

A: It’s for people experiencing betrayal, infidelity, divorce. The idea for the call came as I wrote replies to emails sent to me from people who feel lost, overwhelmed, angry and need to be heard by someone who understands how they feel. I wanted to be able to speak to them and let them know that they have a magical opportunity hidden in the rubble they feel trapped by. It’s part class, part support, part meditation, part yoga for the emotional body.

Q: People are all over the map when it comes to infidelity. Some say couples can use it as a way to re-create and strengthen their relationship, and others say it’s the end of a relationship. What advice do you have for people who are facing infidelity?

A: Use the experience as an opportunity to look within. Refuse the victim mindset and instead embrace this as an opportunity to make courageous choices and flourish. Whether you stay together or divorce, this step is essential to realize your full potential in life. Self-excavate, explore, be curious about who you are, honest about how you are living your life and love yourself.

Photo by Leslie Sophia Lindell

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