The year is almost over and a new one is upon us. I’m not big on the belief that a year can be a good or bad one — “2014 sucked so 2015 must be better!” It’s an artificial construct. Nor am I big on making resolutions; most of the time we just set ourselves up for failure. And I am not big on advice — there are far too many “experts” telling us what we should or shouldn’t do, especially when it comes to love. Sadly, many of them are Internet experts, people who have found a platform because of their life experience — they endured infidelity and now advise devout followers what to do if they are cheated on, too, or they had an acrimonious divorce and are suddenly self-described divorce counselors. The problem with Internet experts is that they tend to see the world in black and white — there is rarely any gray. Well, life, love and relationships are messy and full of gray, and there’s no right or wrong way to be; there’s just a right and a wrong way for you once you’ve identified what that is. 
That’s why I’m incredibly proud that The New I Do: Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists and Rebels is not an advice book. While my co-author is a therapist, I am not and so I am not comfortable telling anyone what to do or not do (well, besides my kids, of course!); all we have done is looked at research, our own and others (peer-reviewed), talked to people who are living alt marriages, and culled from all of that the pros and cons of various marital models. Then we offer a list of questions readers might want to ask themselves to help them clarify what they want out of a relationship and whether a particular marital model might work for them.
And it’s also why I enjoy the work of Esther Perel, the best-selling author of Mating in Captivity. She quite explicitly admits that she doesn’t have the “right” answers for people when it comes to reconciling intimacy and eroticism over the long haul or reviving a flatlined sex life — a common problem in long-term relationships. As she says:
Americans fundamentally believe there is not a problem that does not have a solution — it’s the Nike approach: Just do it. But try to apply that to eroticism? I don’t have answers, as in ‘This is what you do.’ I do say, ‘This how I think it works.’
From all my research, here’s what I’ve discovered — there really are no easy or fool-proof or guaranteed tips that will ensure you will have the love or the sex or the marriage that you want. There are no guarantees, so don’t expect them. As Perel says, “On some level we trade passion for security, that’s trading one illusion for another.” But that doesn’t mean living in fear — he’ll leave, she’ll find someone else, this won’t last etc. — will make things better. Embracing the ambivalence and impermanence of life and relationships might, something psychology lecturer and writer Meg Jo Barker suggests.
While I don’t necessarily believe New Year’s resolutions matter all that much, I do believe that striving to be the best person we can be — for ourselves — matters, and that isn’t restricted to a certain time of year; it’s ongoing. And when we do that, we are also — surprise! — able to be the best person we can be for others.
So, no, I’m not going to offer you advice for the new year. But I do have a wish or two for you in 2015 — please consider getting rid of the script in your head of what love, relationships or marriage should look like and instead ask yourself what you want them to look like; that you stop looking to others to tell you what you should or shouldn’t do and question, question, question any advice you read or hear from Internet experts or, for that matter, even credentialed experts (some are just not very good or have their own biases); and, finally, to stop giving credence to articles in women’s magazines that often fuel anxiety and chip away at self-esteem because the emphasis always seems to be that you’re doing something wrong and if you just did X, Y and Z, you’d have what you want and live happily ever after. Sorry, it just doesn’t work that way.
2015 is an open road, just as 2014 was and every year before. This is how I think it works: You’re the driver. Don’t worry about the detours and breakdowns, just focus on the journey. May it be a great one.
Interested in learning about ways to re-create your marriage? Read The New I Do: Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists and Rebels (Seal Press, September 2014). Order the book on Amazon, follow us on Twitter, like us on Facebook.
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