Ever since the allegations of sexual abuse by Bill Crosby have been coming fast and furious, I — and many others — have been thinking about his wife of 50 years, Camille.
We have all seen images of the long-suffering wife standing by her poorly behaved man, from Hillary to Silda to Huma to Dina. And now, once again, it’s Camille’s turn. 
I have tried to find the same image of a long-suffering husband standing by his philandering wife as she explains herself or apologizes before the public, but I am hard-pressed to recall a time that happened — are you?
Six of the now 15 sexual-abuse allegations against Bill date to when the comedian’s newfound fame and fortune skyrocketed, offering wealth and a lifestyle that, she admits “changed our lives” and led to Bill’s “selfish” behavior — including an affair that resulted in an extortion attempt by a woman who claimed to be his daughter.
As we watch yet another wronged women stand by her husband’s side, people can’t help but ask, why did she stay?
Camille expressed why in an editorial back in 1997:
“Bill and I were very young when we married; he was 26, I was 19. We had to mature, we had to learn the definition of unselfish love, and we did. When we committed to each other wholeheartedly years ago, our marriage became healthy and solid. Also, we blossomed as individuals. Our marriage encompasses mutual love, respect, trust and communication. Sound relationships must have positive reciprocity; they can’t be one-sided and strong.”
One has to wonder about that “respect” and “trust” thing when one party is cheating on the other. But, OK, it’s what she believes, and it’s clear she came to a place of forgiveness, or maybe takes her vows — for better or for worse — seriously.
As she said in a 2000 interview with Oprah:
“You cleanse yourself of all of that baggage, and you look at each other and determine whether the relationship is worth salvaging, whether you really love each other and want to be together.”
Maybe Camille Cosby is standing by Bill for a reason entirely different than one considered out here. Maybe she believes him. Not because it’s rational, but because it’s easier to believe the word of a person you know and love than it is to believe the word of a stranger, or 15.
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Thank-you for this measured and thoughtful approach to our culture’s judgement around infidelity. While I can’t imagine how Camille has reconciled herself to what we’re now just learning, I’ve learned (the hard way, I might add) that none of us should ever judge another person’s marriage.
I have chosen to stay with a man who betrayed me for many years and now, eight years after his disclosure, I have absolutely no regrets. I had always been in the “kick him to the curb” camp, as are so many of us…until it happens to us.
Life is full of ambiguity and conflicted notions. Each of has to walk her own path, though our “once a cheater…” culture makes it difficult for some of us. It’s important for those among us who’ve chosen to rebuild our marriages to make it clear that there are options. An atmosphere of shame that keeps us silent about our choice does little to guide others dealing with a similar situation. Marriage is hard. Infidelity is devastating. It’s also commonplace. If more of us were open about the challenges and felt less shame when our spouse cheats, we’d all be better off.
Twitter: OMGchronicles
says:
Thank you for your thoughtful response, Elle. You said a key statement: “none of us should ever judge another person’s marriage.” If we all followed that advice, there wouldn’t be so much shame about our choices.
After I discovered my ex-husband cheating for the 2nd time, I kicked his butt to the proverbial curb. We had been married for over 20 years. There’s no way I was going to allow him to continue “disrespecting me” and “dishonoring our daughter”. I gave him his walking papers so that he could become a “full-time playa” There’s no excuse for cheating, if he wanted an “open marriage”, then he should have married a woman who agreed with this type of lifestyle, or better still he should have remained single. He exposed me to numerous STD’s, including AIDS, plus himself and his married (at the time) affair partner to an unplanned pregnancy which would have resulted in financial hardships for our family. He was selfish, immature, and arrogant as hell to believe that he could “NEVER GET CAUGHT!”. Now that he and his former affair partner are married, they walk around looking depressed and guilt-ridden. He secretly married his former affair partner 2 weeks after our divorce was finalized, and he didn’t even bother to inform our daughter, she found out by accident. My ex-husband is “shocked” that our now “adult” daughter wants no part of the “family” that he and his new wife have created. Go figure!
Twitter: OMGchronicles
says:
Sorry that that was your experience, Msjay. It sounds like getting out of that marriage was a life-saver for you. I hope your daughter will be able to have some sort or a relationship with her father one day; we are all flawed.
Women who are controlling aren’t about to invest the effort necessary to capture and break a new man. Women who couldn’t capture their men and control everything they do end up throwing him out (and doing him a favor) so that they can either try again with some other schlub or to denounce all men for their failure to be a dominant in their own relationship.