Despite the belief that marriage is “until death do us part,” the truth is many of us are serial marriers. How many? Well, a recent study indicates that about 30 percent of newlyweds have been married before — almost a third of those tying the knot — and it’s more than 40 percent in places like Tennessee, West Virginia and Arkansas.
While people in Southern states tend to marry young, thus explaining some of the multiple marrying, there may be more to the stats than just youthful indiscretions. Like infidelity. Considering that infidelity is among the main reasons couples split, I wonder how many of those second (or third or fourth) marriages are an outcome of people touched by cheating. 
My guess is quite a few, making the news of a public apology by the second wife of Christie Brinkley’s former husband, Peter Cook, of great interest.
Suzanne Shaw married Cook shortly after Brinkley divorced him in 2008, after it was revealed that he’d had a year-long affair with an 18-year-old. At the time, the supermodel warned her about his wandering eyes. She ignored her, chalking Brinkley up as just another crazy ex. Now Shaw’s divorcing him because he allegedly cheated on her, too. And she wished she listened to Brinkley.
In a letter she’s made public, Shaw writes:
“Christie and I have talked recently and I have privately apologized to her, but, given the public nature of their divorce and custody battle, I feel a public apology is also appropriate and deserved. Christie was wrongly vilified as being an embittered ex-wife. I’m deeply sorry for my part in causing Christie any unnecessary pain.”
Let’s face it — being the new spouse of a philanderer is a leap of faith, even if he or she cheated on the former spouse to be with you. Once a cheater always a cheater? Not necessarily, but it certainly makes a would-be spouse pause. Do you risk it? Shaw did and now regrets it.
But given the high rates of infidelity, chances are we will meet and fall in love with a cheater. Deen Kharbouch, estranged wife of rapper Karim “French Montana” Kharbouch, has words for new girlfriend Khloe Kardashian — “be careful.” They’re still an item. Tiger Woods’ former wife Elin Nordegren warned model Yvette Prieto that marrying womanizer Michael Jordan, whom she blames for turning Tiger into a cheater, would be a mistake. Prieto married him anyway. Jesse James’ former mistress Michelle ‘Bombshell’ McGee, whose affair with James broke up his marriage to Sandra Bullock, warned new fiancee Kat von D to stay away. The tattoo artist listened and called off their engagement, but only after she discovered he cheated on her, too.
I’ve often wondered why so many people are willing to risk marrying a known adulterer. At the same time, I know it’s not that simple. People change — I did. But how would any man interested in me know that for a fact? Honestly, he wouldn’t. He would have to watch my actions and listen to my words, and then decide to trust me or not. I can understand why some might be hesitant even though my former husband isn’t publicly or privately warning anyone nor am I.
But should we have listened to the people who have been cheated on, and heard their side of the story? Is it the former spouse’s responsibility to tell a new love the truth? Of course not. I don’t know if a new love would listen to him or her, quite honestly. As for “the truth,” I know that after x-number of years of dating, relationships and marriage, there’s his story, her story and their story, and “the truth” is somewhere in the middle. Former spouses aren’t always as horrible as someone makes him or her out to be.
I have been upfront with every man I’ve been with since that long-ago affair, including my former husband — a second marriage for both of us. He was honest with me, too, and I remembering feeling at the time that our level of honesty and shared bad behavior gave us a certain special something that connected us more than other couples — Yeah, we both cheated, we know the warning signs, we know the damage it does and we don’t need to go there again.
Except he did and I didn’t. Did I make a mistake? Yes and no. I believe in giving people the benefit of the doubt, and so I believed him. But I also ignored warning signs. I own that.
I have friends who cheated on former spouses and haven’t said a peep to their new love interests nor do they plan to — and their partners asked them not to tell them anything. Foolish? I don’t know.
The past is the past and it may or may not inform the future. But talking about monogamy — have we been good at it in the past? Do we willingly choose it or do we just expect it? What’s hard about it? — is a great start, as I advocate in The New I Do: Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists and Rebels. And it’s a conversation that should never end.
But listen to a former spouse’s “warning”? I don’t know. What about you?
Interested in learning about ways to re-create your marriage? Read The New I Do: Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists and Rebels (Seal Press, September 2014). Order the book on Amazon, follow us on Twitter, like us on Facebook. Let’s Occupy Marriage!
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