Susan Pease Gadoua and I had a fantastic book launch Oct. 5 at the wonderful Book Passage in Corte Madera for The New I Do: Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists and Rebels, with more than 70 people in the audience, bubbly, petits fours by Dragonfly Cakes and two flower bouquets made by Bloomingayles. We were flattered that Book Passage sold out!
Susan and I talked about how the book came to be, and our own experiences with societal judgment based on our marital choices — a late first-time marrier (43), Susan was barraged with questions by people wondering what was wrong with her whereas I, a twice married and divorced woman, was seen as someone who “failed” at marriage (twice!) and who obviously is damaged and unable to commit. 
That is exactly the kind of blaming and shaming we wish to end.
Then, we read select passages from the book and after, opened up the floor for questions — and there were many. Not surprisingly, several people wondered about love.
As in, where does love fit into our marital models?
For the record, Susan and I are not against love. We’ll both admit love was very much on our minds when we said “I do” to our husbands. At the same time, marrying for love has made a mess of marriage, as historian Stephanie Coontz has exhaustively detailed in Marriage, a History.
In truth, all of us are a bit flummoxed to describe love although we all have a vague idea of what it’s about. Isn’t it scary to think that we are hitching our lives, finances and children to love — something we can’t even adequately describe?
Last week I wrote a story on celebrated doctor Grace Dammann, the subject of a new documentary, “States of Grace,” that looks at how surviving a near-fatal head-on collision impacted her family. Dammann and her partner, Nancy (Fu) Schroeder, the abiding abbess at Green Gulch Farm in Muir Beach, had long stopped being romantic partners, but agreed to stay together to co-parent their wheelchair-bound daughter Sabrina, Isabel Allende’s step-granddaughter, whom they adopted as an infant — born drug addicted and with cerebral palsy, and not expected to live long. But she did, and Dammann took on the mommying role. Then came the accident. As Schroeder faced caretaking her daughter and her former romantic partner, she came to this realization: “Love, it’s something more about devotion.” So she committed to be Dammann’s caretaker for five years — a time-limited contract, as it were. Sabrina would be 19 at that point and on her way.
Is that love? Or, is it being loving? Is there a difference, and if so which matters more in a partnership — especially one in which children and caretaking are involved?
So, as we answered people’s concerns about love, we explained it’s OK to love your partner, but romantic love needs to be booted from the top spot it’s greedily held onto for the past 200 years or so as the reason to marry. It certainly can be among the top five reasons, but couples need a little more to go on than love, especially if they want to become parents and raise their children in a respectful, loving, stable and conflict-free environment.
And we talked about the lessons we can learn from arranged marriages (not forced or child marriages), where common backgrounds, interests and goals matter more than love at first — although as some women in arranged marriages wrote us, love occurs when you see your husband caring for your children, being a good provider (OK, I have some thoughts on that but I’m just quoting here) and treating his family with respect and kindness.
Which takes us back to, what does love mean when we’re talking about marriage? And, what kind of love do we want or expect in a marriage? It’s an important conversation. How clear about it are you?
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Hello and congratulations Vicki and Susan!
I’m really looking forward to reading your book, and love that you are challenging the ‘shaming and blaming.’ When I answered your survey, I’m not sure if my response took, but I chose ‘other’- because I believe that love consists of all the selections offered. To me love goes far beyond a feeling- which can be capricious-to me it is a choice, a decision, a commitment, an attitude. I don’t believe that marriage has been well supported until very recently. When I got married 28 years ago, it was all about romantic love. And I agree-definitely that doesn’t carry a couple through, but thanks to the work of dedicated scholars and practitioners we now have a blueprint for getting to a much more intimate, loving phase. I love Ellyn Bader and Pete Pearson’s developmental model of couples relationships, where they talk about the predictable phases that every couple goes through, from the ‘ romantic stage’to the ‘disillusionment’ phase, and ultimately, deep intimacy and synergy if all goes well. Now that scholars like Helen Fisher and John Gottman have brought us scientifically proven data on how to keep the love I believe the opportunity for a loving, fulfilling marriage is much greater. And that every couple deserves to make their own choices about what works for them. The important thing to me is that couples find a way to be happy and joyful and that each partner take responsibility for the results they get in their lives. I’m on a mission to help couples- especially engaged couples- invest in their marriages in the same way that they would invest in their careers, in order to have the exceptional marriages they desire.
Cheerio for now
Marian
Twitter: OMGchronicles
says:
Hi Marian, thanks for your kind words. Your mission — “to help couples — especially engaged couples — invest in their marriages in the same way that they would invest in their careers, in order to have the exceptional marriages they desire — sounds like a great mission. Best of luck to you and the couples with whom you’re working.
Love? Don’t make me laugh!
“Love” is a lie people tell themselves to remain in toxic relationships. Love is what you both DO and not at all what you both SAY. By your partner’s actions shall ye know IF you are loved and not just possessed.
“Love” is just a word without action, and too many who gain the upper hand in a relationship of any kind aren’t likely to surrender that advantage. Any attempt to alter that condition by the disadvantaged is met with “You don’t love me anymore!”
To quote the great social philosopher J. Geils, “Love Stinks!”