I decided to “like” Psychology Today’s page on Facebook today, and while scrolling through the stories highlighted, I was intrigued by the teaser, “While it takes two to couple up, it takes only one to make things a whole lot better.”
OK, sold, so I clicked on the link that lead to an article highlighting 15 tips (the author calls them rules, but rules make most of us rebel, right?) to make a relationship better. Tips/rules Nos. 1 to 13 sounded good. Then we got to No. 14:
Initiate sex, even if you don’t feel like it. If you’re the distancer in bed, initiate sex once in a while even though you don’t feel like it. A long-term relationship won’t flourish if your partner is someone for whom sex is an enlivening essential force and you’re too unavailable. To decide you won’t be a physical partner because you don’t feel like it is like his deciding that there will be no more conversation because he’s not a talker. If you have a fair and good partner, there is probably something you can do that wouldn’t be too terribly difficult. (P.S. If you’re the pursuer in bed, back off.)
Then I read the reader comments and quite a few were as put off by that as I initially was: 
“as both a couples/
marriage psycho-logist and a feminist, I have a concern about encour-ageing people (and it seems to be directed at women, perhaps?) to initiate sex even when they do not feel like it. Often, we (and, women in particular) are taught to ignore our internal states, and what feels right/not right to us, in order to please other people.”
Another reader writes:
“I HATE the idea of giving any message to women and girls that they should have sex when their bodies don’t want to. I can see teen girls reading this, or pre-marriage women with boyfriends reading this, and thinking that sex is something to engage in because your b.f. wants it, even when you don’t.”
For the record, the author did not say that this advice was directed at women, yet that’s what many readers assumed — hmmm, maybe we should look into that.
I’m in my 50s, a mom, married and divorced twice, and in and out of relationships and dating arrangements over the years; you bet there have been a handful of times when I initiated or had sex when I wasn’t in the mood or sometimes wasn’t even all that attracted to the guy (husband or not!) or because of the Third Date rule (silly, right?).
But just how bad it is to say, “I’m sorry, honey, I’m just not in the mood” when you truly aren’t up for sex — in other words, being genuine about your needs? Obviously, that can’t be an excuse you use a lot because if you’re not in the mood that often, that’s a sign that something is wrong (unless you’re a new parent in which you have a buy for a few months). You also can’t use it to alienate your partner; a sexless marriage will eventually be a dead marriage — or a divorced one.
So, are a lot of people faking it until they make it?
Evidently.
While researching for The New I Do, I came upon the result of a poll included in the book (with a clever name) It’s Not You, It’s the Dishes (originally published in hardback as Spousonomics). Based on the results, there are a lot of people getting it on when they’re not in the mood, for reasons that range from healthy to (what seem to me) unhealthy:
47% sometimes have sex even when they’re not in the mood
11% frequently have sex even when they’re not in the mood
83% have sex when they’re not in the mood “to make their partners happy”
75% have sex when they’re not in the mood because they “expect to enjoy it anyway”
62% have sex when they’re not in the mood so they don’t hurt their spouse’s feelings
48% have sex when they’re not in the mood “to earn good will”
45% have sex when they’re not in the mood because their spouse “deserves it”
36% have sex when they’re not in the mood because they “feel guilty”
In truth, we have sex for a lot of reasons that often have nothing to do with pleasure or making babies, including wanting to be altruistic (“I wanted the person to feel good about himself/herself”) and feeling it’s our duty or caving into pressure (“My partner kept insisting”).
And let’s not even get into how many men and women are faking orgasms “because they felt under too much pressure to enjoy real sex” (as opposed to the fake sex?).
But there’s something rather disingenuous about having sex when you really don’t want to.
What about you?
- Do you have sex when you don’t want to? Why?
- Can you tell if you’re partner is giving you courtesy sex?
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Hi Vickie, I come here via Twitter and to Twitter via your article on Men being scapegoats.
I must offer my two cents on this topic. Firstly I will say that I have had sex when I wasn’t in the mood. Many times. I am lucky enough to be in a wonderful relationship with a woman who’s sex drive is quite a lot higher than mine. I would be lying if I sad that I always enjoy the sex anyway. Sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I don’t even have an orgasm (most women don’t realize that ejaculation can happen without orgasm and for me it often does if I have sex when I am not in the mood).
But here’s the thing. I am going to have to agree with that controversial No. 14. If you are in a long term, loving, committed and exclusive relationship, sometimes you are just going to have to suck it up and do your “duty”. And yes, I did say duty knowing full well how controversial that’s going to be. When you enter into an exclusive relationship with someone, part of the agreement is that each partner will do their best to meet the needs of the other one, and that includes sexual needs. If you aren’t prepared to do that, are you prepared to let them get those needs met somewhere else? It is in this context that I feel it is my “job” as her partner to provide the sex she needs even if sometimes I don’t want it. Do I always comply? Nope, nor does she. But I am certain she to has had sex when she really didn’t feel like it.
I really feel that withing a marriage or marriage like context that
“sex when you don’t really want to” is not the same as saying the same thing to young girls. We’re talking about steps to a happy marriage here, it’s not advice to 12 year olds.
I think a big part of the problem is our collective shame about sex in our culture. Are discomfort about sex, and out desire to make it “special” manufactures all kinds of unnecessary guilt.
You’re married. When you’re married sometimes you do things you don’t really want to do because that’s what’s good for your relationship. Sometimes I cook dinner when I don’t really feel like it, sometimes she does. Sometimes I clean the house when I would rather go for a bike ride, sometimes she cleans up the kitchen when she’d rather sit and relax. Sometimes I go to family functions I don’t really want to go to. Blah blah blah. Why is sex any different?
Let’s look at it another way, from the double standard standpoint. If a woman has an affair because he emotional or sexual needs aren’t being met, society blames her husband (what did he do to drive her away?). If a man has an affair because he can’t get sex from his wife, we still blame him (what a pig, obviously she was right not be having sex with him!).
“83% have sex when they’re not in the mood “to make their partners happy”
I’ve rambled on long enough. I’ll just wrap up by saying that I am glad that 83% of people seem to realize that making your partner happy is important, and that it sometimes means doing things you don’t feel like doing. Including sex. Damn the politically correct shaming them for it.
Twitter: OMGchronicles
says:
First of all, JT, thanks for your kind comments on Twitter and for commenting on my blog. I agree you that sometimes we just need to make our partner happy sexually even if we’re not up for it (so to speak). It shouldn’t be the majority of the way sex happens in the marriage, however, just a certain (hopefully small) percentage of the time.
That said, some things we do in a marriage and for the marriage are, in an Orwellian way, more equal than others. Most women hate doing the majority of the household chores and care-giving, and this can lead to bad feelings that lead to sexual rejection. Throw the “duty” of sex and the pressure for courtesy sex on top of that, and it can lead to even more resentment. Wonder why women ask for divorce so much more than men do?
The study didn’t indicate the gender of the 83% having sex to make their partner happy (or how often they feel that way!); I will pretty much guess the majority of the respondents were women. Sorry to be stereotypical, but some (not all!) women do lose interest in sex after kids, at menopause, etc.
I want to believe that 83% really do want to make their partner happy, sexually or not; my observations are that those who desire to do so and those who actually act to do so is a totally different thing.
Hope you stop by again.
I think stereotypes only exist because there is some truth to them, but nevertheless the stereotype that men always want sex/are always ready for sex is nevertheless harmful. It’s certainly not true for me, and I imagine it’s not true for a lot of men. It actually took me a long time to convince my fiancee (who I have been with for many years now) that I wasn’t “push button”. Society/the media perpetuates this myth that men are horn dogs who think of nothing but sex. And of course that’s not true.
I think women ask for divorce more often than men because women have a lot less to lose in a divorce than men. No one who is being honest or rational could argue that the deck isn’t stacked against men in divorce/family court. I also think that in general women do better on their own than men. That may sound sexist (I don’t think it is) but I think it’s true. I think there is a reason more men kill themselves or end up homeless. We may be bigger and stronger physically, but I think it’s a myth that we’re stronger emotionally.
We live in a capitalist world (no I am not knocking capitalism or suggesting there is a better alternative) in which the economy depends on making us feel dissatisfied with everything in our lives so that we’ll buy stuff to try and fix it. This includes our relationships and I think we have an epidemic of unhappy people who are unhappy because of unrealistic expectations of how life should be. Sometimes I wonder if this effects women more than men, since let’s face it, most media is aimed at them. I grew up a single parent household and my mom was ALWAYS unhappy. She dated a lot of men over the course of my childhood and young adulthood, some good, some bad, but none of them could live up to her expectations. She’s still unhappy to this day, still single, and I was in utter shock a few months back when she admitted she sometimes regrets leaving my dad and that she thinks she would have had a better life if she’d worked things out with him.
That all being said. “Duty” sex sucks, and I can always tell. 😉
My husband literally (and I do mean literally) tells me, at least once or twice a week that he “always wants sex”. And I believe him because he needs so much attention from me, snuggling (anywhere he can get it), hugging, touching, kissing, texting, calling, butt grabbing, cock rubbing, boob grabbing, talking about sex, smacking my butt, wanting to make out… it is every day. It is so annoying. It is like having a toddler. He will literally tug on me like a child tugs on their mom when he’s not getting enough attention from me. We are in our mid 40’s, been married for 20+ years. We have 2 teenage children. He drinks beer everyday – probably 4-8 a day. And I can tell he starts to feel extra amorous the minute he takes a sip. He loves to have me rub his cock so he can walk around all day all horned up. He wants to rub me, too, in the morning. I say no and he gets mad and says I should just go with it.
And it’s not like I can just give him sex and he backs off. No, it all continues the next day again. So sometimes, if i’m feeling extra alert at night I will initiate sex. But unless he gets a chance to flirt, talk about it during the day, look forward to it, then he doesn’t want it. He’ll turn me down because it’s not the way he wants it. here I am offering sex out of caring about his needs and it’s not good enough.
Everyone should have the right to say “Not now, I’m too tired/ill/upset/worried.” There is no reasonable “duty” to perform every time your partner asks. However, everyone should have the reasonable right to a partner who does not say “Not now” 365 nights in a row. There is some duty – though this always depends upon whatever agreements the people made when building the relationship – to meet the partner somewhere in the middle. Where? That, of course, depends on the people involved. (I say it depends on the arrangement because if the couple agreed to always have sex, or to never have sex, and one of them decides to unilaterally change the situation, that’s a problem.)
Twitter: OMGchronicles
says:
I agree, berick. There’s the occasional “I have a headache,” and there’s the much more damaging avoidance issue. Sex is always a touchy subject between couples (why!?), so hopefully they’re able to communicate their sexual needs in an open and loving way.
My husband (4 years married, 9 together) told me sex was required if I wanted him to be nice to me. Tried to justify that by “he needs the release to be nice.” Isn’t he supposed to be nice so I would want to have sex with him? Not do it so he won’t be mean? It took the love out of it. Made it an added chore on top of my new toddler (when I stopped wanting sex for obvious reasons… birth)! I just never recovered intimately because of this rule he laid upon me during recovery. He did not have sex with me the whole time I was pregnant, by the way, when I wanted it the most. He never told me why. Just says, “I just didn’t want to.” He said HIM not giving it is different, though. This is all bass-ackwards and not fair. So I finally caved in and said I’ll “give it up” anytime he asks. I’ll never say no. Yes, I just laid there many times. That was acceptable for 6 months. Now he’s mad I won’t “enjoy” it, and that I won’t initiate or “move” like I used to. Now he’s back to acting rude, resenting, and mean when I DO have sex. So until I “fake it to make it,” we all suffer? Is this marriage!? I HATE IT.
Well, even though some of the ideas and conversation expressed on his end have caused you so much hurt, I commend you for being there for your husband for sex like that. If this were a more loving situation, that would be a good thing for the marriage. I am not saying that your husband doesn’t love you. He may just not understand how he makes you feel or think through his words.
I think you should share with him what you wrote here and tell him you would enjoy it if you felt loved.
Is this marriage? well, it sounds like a marriage, but one that needs to be improved
Your husband sounds weird. Why say something so aggressive, is that his personality? Did you reject him often in the past, minus your pregnancy, when he was stupid to do that to you? You obviously need to talk calmly about this, you don’t deserve to be treated this way. Good luck.
I at a crossroads. He sits there and grabs my boobs and smacks my butt in front of the kids and can not understand why I am not in the mood later. I have repeatedly asked him to not do that in front of the kids. Besides the instant turn off I do not want my daughter growing up thinking that is okay or normal. If she ends up not minding them that is her choice but I do not want to make it for her. My other problem is he will not take no for an answer. So my day was working , cleaning the house, taking care of the kids one is not even 2 yet, and by the time the baby goes to bed I am exhausted. He insists on taking a shower then after 10:30 PM when I am about out cold he snuggles up to me. He grabs my boobs I take his hands off, he does it again and I take them off again, then he grabs my butt or tries to finger me. I say I am tired and he acts all hurt and sad. So I say in my head fine have fun I will try to be wet but good luck. He keeps asking what do I want in my head I say I want you to cum so I can go to bed but I say nothing. I have even resorted to fantasizing to try to be wet. Do not get me wrong I like sex but when I am about asleep I am not interested nor am I interested after you continually grope me in front of the kids. When it is early enough I enjoy it and when he backs off I also enjoy it. I also initiate it too on occasion. My problem is most of the time I lay there just letting him get his way. I would like to enjoy sex more often. Does anyone have any ideas?
Why does there have to be a special ‘mood’ for sex? Isn’t your regular everyday mood okay for starting sex? If one of your parents died and you are depressed, and don’t feel like having sex with your husband or wife, I get that. That makes sense. There are health issues, sickness, periods, last weeks of pregnancy, post-partum issues, etc. that could be good reasons not to have sex right now.
But if you don’t have some issue, your spouse wants to have sex, and you start kissing, carressing, hugging, this enhances the ‘mood’ anyway. Blood flows to the right areas, etc.
It is right for a man to do his best to sexually please his wife. It is a right for a woman to do her best to sexually please her husband.
Some spouses– stereotypically the wife but not always– get to have sex whenever they want. Then the other spouse only gets sex when the other spouse wants it. That’s not good. Seek to meet your partner’s sexual needs, not only your own– in a good, healthy way of course. If both partners have this attitude in marriage, that’s a good thing.
Your husbands or wife gave up the possibility of having sex with anyone else for as long as you both shall live. The expectation is sexual fulfillment. Then, if you start rationing, like a half glass of water every so often, and that’s all you get, when you’ve really got a near unlimited supply right there is sight, that’s cruel.
A lot of marriage involves not doing what you want to right this second. Maybe he doesn’t want to talk about buying curtains or visiting his mother-in-law next weekend, or hear about your feelings, but he does. She may not want to… I am trying to think of things women do for men that they don’t want to that the man asks them to besides sports and sex. I’m having a hard time, as a man, thinking them up. Maybe women could give other examples.
My point is, marriage involves giving and pleasing the other partner. Your sex life should have a lot to do with making your partner happy and finding joy in that. If both have that attitude, there is plenty of room in there for getting your own needs met, sexually, as well.