I have been thinking about Rupert Sanders’ wife of 10 years, Liberty Ross, which is weird because before the “scandalous” make-out session between Kristen Stewart and Sanders, I’d never heard of Sanders or Ross and (as the mom of boys, not girls) barely knew of Stewart and her — now-former — “Twilight” boyfriend, Robert Pattison.
Since she was the alleged cuckolded wife, I thought I’d look into her background. She’d be a successful enough model (Vogue, i-D, and Elle; ad campaigns for Burberry, Chanel and Dior; and walked the runway at fashion weeks in New York, Milan and Paris) and even acted a little.
She dated Rupert as a teenager, and married him at age 24. Now the mom of their two kids, 5 and 7, she became pretty much a full-time stay-at-home mom when the couple moved to Los Angeles from England for Sanders’ career. That has, evidently, taken a toll on her and, no doubt, their marriage:
“I think that having been a model and so self-sufficient for those years, I was very ready to get married and have babies,I romanticized domesticity for a while, and loved having a shopping list of groceries stuck to the fridge for the first time. But moving here and starting a life all over again was a lot harder than I had anticipated. I just didn’t think it would be as isolating and daunting as it turned out to be … I went from the glamour of working with Karl Lagerfeld and John Galliano to living on an isolated hilltop, with my husband gone most of the time … I would never say out loud that I am raising my children alone, but a lot of the time it has felt like that.”
And that is the dilemma many women face, especially women who move with their husband to a place that betters his career but not necessarily hers. A recent study indicates a man’s education has a larger impact on whether a couple moves or not than a woman’s. (I can’t find any info on whether Sanders or Ross have college degrees, but since she started her modeling career early, I’d guess she didn’t go to — or at least finish — college).
Not to mention the imbalance between her career, now basically in the past tense, and his, which skyrocketed with his recent debut feature film, Snow White & the Huntsman, which she is clearly supportive of:
“At the world premiere in London, I had tears in my eyes, because we got out of our fancy car and all of his fans started screaming his name. The tables had really turned!”
Ross, 33, certainly isn’t the first wife who gave up her career and followed her husband, willingly. But it does make you wonder if that’s always the smartest choice. No one would fault her or any woman for putting her marriage and family first, but when things go awry — case in point, the Stewart scandal — the person who inevitably suffers is the one who gave up so much, albeit now enjoying the successes, financial and otherwise, of her husband.
Women have been debating the having-it-all issue for decades. Perhaps we can’t have it all, argues Ann-Marie Slaughter in the much talked-about Atlantic article this summer. Something or someone has to give, and many times it’s the woman, willingly, like Ross.
In Beside Every Successful Man: A Woman’s Guide To Having It All, conservative commentator Megan Basham advises women to opt out of the 9-to-5 grind and put their energy into making their husbands be more successful in their careers. Not only will they make more money as a couple — “Men whose wives aren’t employed earn on average 31% more than single men, but for men whose wives have full-time jobs, that number drops to 3.4%” — but they’ll be happier and more unlikely to divorce, she says.
But, what about the guys? Maybe more men would be happy and willing to switch roles, but we know from research that many men are not, although some 45 percent of them say they’d stay at home if their wife made more money than they do, according to a recent survey by Men’s Health and Spike TV. Sure, but studies show men who are economically dependent on their wives are five times more likely to cheat than guys whose wives make about the same — not very reassuring.
Let’s face it — we still tend to expect men to be the primary breadwinners, even while demanding they do more around the house and with the kids.
Evidently, Ross has given her estranged husband a “five-point plan” to salvage their marriage, including is a reworked prenup that will give her more cash in case they end up divorcing.
There’s a message in her story somewhere.
Every choice we make has consequences not only for ourselves, but also for our families and society. There are no guarantees, and no one can predict which marriage will be strengthened by doing what Ross did and which one will implode regardless. Ultimately, we need to ask ourselves, “What is a good life?” and then feel good about our decisions.
Have you given up a lot for a relationship?
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Twitter: whywondersigm
says:
This really is a good article, I have definitely given up too much (mostly just parts of myself, as opposed to a long distance move, or career, etc.) for a relationship. Unfortunately, as happens too often, we do this and never realize that we have until there is a problem, and by then it’s usually too late.
Twitter: OMGchronicles
says:
Thanks, Karyn. I think all relationships require compromise but not necessarily “giving up” ourselves. Finding a balance is essential although, as you note, we often don’t see what’s going on until much later, perhaps when the damage is done. I think the message is, be more present in our relationships.
I personally think, most women inject 200% of themselves when they are in a relationship. 200% is never enough when that relationship involves children. BUT if that woman in disrespected in any form (infidelity, abuse, neglect), then giving 10% is considering giving too much. I think what really defines “giving too much” is directly proportionate to how much a woman is shown appreciation, respect and love.
Make Your Own Adventure!
Kate.
Twitter: OMGchronicles
says:
KatesWorld40 — I think anyone, female or male, who is continually disrespected in a marriage/relationship should look probably needs to leave (assuming attempts to work with the offending party to make things better hasn’t worked).
One party of the wedding gives up just about everything. Usually, this is the male partner.
Most men give up way too much to marry. They give up their dreams, their major possessions, their freedom, control over their lives, their wealth, their self-respect, and their sex life.
Twitter: OMGchronicles
says:
Well, ToppHogg, if that’s what men are giving up, it’s beyond me why they’d even consider getting married. Surely, they must expect some benefits from getting married; after all, no one is holding a gun to a guy’s head insisting he marry, right?
Twitter: MACmediator
says:
Very well written piece. This is a very real dilemma that many women these days face. Glad to hear that Ross tried to salvage the relationship despite her husband’s infidelity. I can’t help but wonder whether it was disagreement over the terms of the postnuptial agreement that made her file for divorce. Hopefully for the sake of their young children they reach a divorce settlement outside of court, via mediation or another process. Thank you for sharing.
Sorry I am late to the party. I have also giving up everything for the sake of marriage including community and career and i am sitting here wondering if it is all worth it. I also romanticised the whole idea and now that i am living in it, it is far from being romantic. i am losing my self daily and getting angrier. I really do need a way out. what do I do?
what about the person who gives up their identity. and its not even an identity that was a six field salary kind of identity or a publicly notable kind of identity–but it is still an identity. And losing it still is a big deal. You don’t realize you’re losing it until it’s gone. That’s what sucks. But when you do realize that you’ve lost it…what do you do about it? How do you get it back