You’re hanging with your guy and he starts massaging your shoulders or feet (yes please!) or touching your thigh “that way” and you think, “Really? I’ve had a super-stressful day and he knows it, and the last thing on my mind is to have sex. Why do men always want sex?”
Because men always want sex, right? Or do they?
Not really, says relationship therapist Sarah Hunter Murray, whose new book, “Not Always in the Mood: The New Science of Men, Sex, and Relationships,” seeks to debunk the many myths we have about men and sex — specifically that they always want it and they’re always ready for it.
That myth not only hurts men, but it also wreaks havoc on the relationships they have with the women who love them. (Murray focused on heterosexual men only in her research, so results may vary with other couplings).
It sets up couples for all sorts of dysfunctional behaviors and misunderstandings and, after reading Murray’s book, I felt compelled to look at my relationships, past and more recent, to see if I fell into that category. I think sometimes I did.
Women’s desire, men’s desire
As Murray notes, so much of our conversation about women’s desire is that “it’s complicated.” But men? No, we seem to take it for a given that he’s ready and able at all times.
Hardly seems fair, which is why Murray’s book is a refreshing read.
“Study after study continues to suggest that men’s and women’s sexual desire is more similar than different,” she writes.
So why do we still view men through that narrow filter?
For me, the big aha is how our early ideas of men’s and women’s sexuality influence our committed long-term romantic relationships.
From a young age, women are taught to repress their sexuality (keep yourself safe, girl!) while men are taught to be the initiators of sex, to desire sex and to be highly skilled.
“Girls are desirable. Boys do the desiring,” she writes.
What Murray’s book makes clear is that many men would welcome women being the initiators of sex (and often misread the cues when we are, thanks to those damn myths) as much as they would enjoy being pursued (wait, what?) and desired.
Yes — many men would actually like to feel desired by their lover and wouldn’t even mind being somewhat objectified by her, she writes.
Stifling women’s agency
We gals have learned to be passive with our sexuality, she writes, and to let men come to us. As good — and let’s admit it, powerful — as that can make us feel, to be so desired and pursued, it also stifles our agency.
What if women were the ones to initiate sex? Rather than waiting for our guy to be in the mood or when it was convenient for his schedule, what if we gals made sex happen because we wanted it and got it when we wanted it?
And what if he rejected us because, well, he wasn’t in the mood? Men aren’t always in the mood and they don’t want women to “treat him like sex was a given, just because he was a guy” (Murray’s emphasis.)
That is a game-changer.
As she advises women:
It’s critical for your sexual health to reflect on your sexual desire in the context of your relationship and the larger social messages you have received and continue to receive about your sexuality — and then decide if you want to begin breaking down any of those walls.
Sexual rejection hurts
She also notes that sexual rejection actually does hurt men, and why wouldn’t it? It hurts when men reject women — we gals tend to take it personally — and buying into the myth that men are always wanting and ready for sex sets us up for disaster.
I see this in all the articles written about “sexless marriage,” and even to today, my 2015 post that has gotten the most comments, more than 400, is about exactly that: Sexless marriage: Cheat, divorce or suffer?
As Murray notes, if we can bust through the stereotypical thinking about men’s sexual desires that mostly limit sexual expression for men and sexual enjoyment for women, it just might lead to not only better sex, but also deeper, more connected relationships with our partner.
And, really — who doesn’t want that?
Want to individualize your partnership? (Of course you do!) Then read The New I Do: Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists and Rebels (Seal Press). You can support your local indie bookstore or order it on Amazon.
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