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We’re coming up on Father’s Day, and even though I’m not a fan of Hallmark holidays the day will be nonetheless hard for me this year. My father passed away May 26, just a few weeks shy of his 89th birthday, so his death will be very fresh on the day to honor him.

Although he was in a nursing home some 2,500 miles away from me for the past few years (not my choice but let’s just say it was complicated), I visited him frequently and spoke to him every other day. In a strange way, I’m not so sure we would have spent so much time together had he not been confined to a wheelchair and alone (my mother passed away in 2010); I’m incredibly thankful for our time together, talking walks, going out to eat and reminiscing.

Like many men of his generation, my father wasn’t a very hands-on dad and so for many children of my generation, our fathers were somewhat of a mystery.  Divorced dads depression

Even now, we don’t focus as much on dads as we do on moms.

What’s up with dads? The married ones are as stressed out by work-life issues as moms, a new Pew study says. And divorced dads? It’s hard to know, says T. Lawrence Bottom of the psychology department at DePaul University, who looked into what research has appeared in peer-reviewed publications since 1990. There are hundreds of studies and books about the impact of divorce on children, and about as many studies on the impact of divorce on mothers. What he discovered is perhaps not so surprising: there just hasn’t been much written about the well-being of divorced dads.

That’s curious, considering divorce affects men and women differently.

The studies that have been done tend to focus on what happens with dads and their relationship with their kids post-divorce, and how it the loss of contact negatively impacts the children. But there hasn’t been much research on how the dads themselves are faring. A well-referenced 2003 study noted how divorced men were at much greater risk of suicide than were divorced women or single men. Other studies indicate that divorced men drink more booze than their married counterparts and divorced women (although women in general don’t drink as much as men).

And because men don’t often have the social networks women do, they are especially vulnerable post-divorce. As one therapist puts it:

Men starting over may be very frightened by the enormous responsibility of maintaining two households at a time when they’re feeling inadequate and insecure. … The newly divorced man has usually lost the structure and comfort of his home and daily routines, and may have been accustomed to his ex-wife handling responsibilities that are now on his very full plate. He may miss the special moments of spontaneously snuggling with his children or being privy to their daily confidences. The limited visits with his children may feel forced or awkward, and over time, the comfort and closeness they once felt may have become strained. Hopefully, as the children mature and gain insight, a closer bond can be re-established.

And a huge amount of men don’t see their children after divorce or see them rarely. That has lifelong impacts for the men and their kids.

In Florence Kraslow’s recent book Divorced Fathers and Their Families, she details the “long-term pain, sense of loss, and bereavement” divorced men experience and how difficult it was not to be part of their children’s daily life while growing up. And since two-thirds of all divorces are initiated by women, “the sense of having been discarded, rejected, and thrown out was pervasive … and for most of the men this feeling lingered for years and is periodically re-experienced” at family or children’s celebrations.

Bottom’s analysis of the few studies from 1990 to 2011 that focused just on divorced father’s well-being indicate that divorced fathers who were more involved in their children’s lives and saw them more frequently, or who had sole custody were less depressed and had higher self esteem.

And fathers stepped up to the plate for their kids. Since many strongly believe that divorce is a negative experience for their children, they often attempt to create as stable and secure a home for their kids to overcome that. And they often rethink their priorities to try to maintain their connections to children, even if this means conflict with their former spouse.

Speaking of conflict, Bottom discovered that more men are upset by the lack of justice in “the system” than at their former wives. The upshot is that “many do not attempt to be awarded custody of their children for fear of fighting a losing battle, even when welfare professionals agree that children would be better placed in their primary care.”

The handful of studies that Bottom discovered are severely limited because they only look at white men who lacked post-secondary education and who were of low- to middle-class socioeconomic status; that excludes a lot of men. In general, the lack of studies on divorced dads worries Bottom, and rightly so:

By omitting divorced fathers from research, scholars could be neglecting important constructs for understanding family systems and how fathers might be affected by the construction of those specific systems.  … This review also provided support for contentions that collaboration with (and participation of) divorced fathers in research has not yet been realized. … the results presented here nonetheless provide abundant evidence that very little research has been done specific to divorced fathers’ well-being. Additionally, published research overwhelmingly showed that divorced fathers’ well-being suffered during and after divorce, which must be addressed to help fathers parent more effectively.

It’s clear that we haven’t been focusing on fathers post-divorce. This must change if we are to help men in the future, especially ones who are willing to reverse traditional gender roles and stay home to raise the kids as more moms are becoming the breadwinners.

What do you think divorced dads need?

 

You may also like to read:

Why it’s harder to be a “good” dad today

Why do so many men get blindsided by divorce?

What do fathers want after divorce?

Photo © Jean Francois Perboi/Fotolia.com

 

23 Responses to “Is anyone paying attention to divorced dads?”

  1. Dave Ritchart says:

    Vicki:

    I can’t thank you enough for your insights!
    I’m a divorced Dad…..nearly three years now…and you really spoke for me in this article.
    I see my kids weekly, but it’s still really hard to have to re-live the divorce every week and be reminded of my divorced ‘position’ at kids’ events. It’s a battle sometimes to maintain my course and continue to be an active and involved father.
    Thank you for putting many of my thoughts into words! It’s really nice to see that there’s a woman out there who really gets what being a divorced Dad is like!

  2. Patrick says:

    I read your posts on Huffpo with interest and I like your points of view.

    I’m not surprised that they couldn’t find a slot to put this one in for father’s day week with all the awful dad bashing articles they printed. It literally turned my stomach. And this is what we call progressive?

  3. John says:

    Thanks for writing this.

    Eight years out from my divorce, I will say that it’s gotten easier, but it’s still difficult. I have two daughters, 15 and 12. I have always had 50/50 custody.

    I’m a very, very involved father. I’m convinced that putting my children first has made divorce tolerable. It’s like plotting a good course over terrain: you want to see great sights and you avoid pitfalls. The simple act of dedicating the majority (not all) of your energy to other people will result in experiencing the best of what life has to offer, and will help to ensure mental health.

    When you have a baby, you know you’ve committed yourself. How you pay your responsibility is up to you. When men divorce, they sometimes think it’s like declaring bankruptcy, and that you can walk away scot-free. You can’t; you will pay the full amount, one way or the other. You have to honor the creations you bring into the world, or you lose self-esteem. It’s that simple.

    (Let me here acknowledge that I’m speaking broadly, and that some people do have limitations imposed on them.)

    The hardest thing for me has been women. I’m young: 36. That means I was separated at 27. Since I live in a college town full of nubile 20-30 year old men and women, competition and temptation both run high.

    Generally speaking, women who seek their own children have been leery of beginning relationships with me (at this point I avoid them like the plague for my own reasons, but that’s only been the last couple of years, when I became relatively certain I won’t have more children). The few times that did come up, it’s been difficult.

    Being somewhat prudent by nature, wary by experience, and morally influential on two young ladies, I’ve tried to avoid relationships with women who only wanted sex, but it’s happened a few times. In general, that has been with women who were a bit on the younger side. Be cautious of young women. I’ll leave it at that.

    My greatest non-parental fear in life is ending up like some of the lonely, unhappy 50-60 year-old men that I know. I worry about what I’ll do as an empty-nester. I think marriage is a fine idea, but I’m concerned on my chances. My intuition tells me that I have to wait for more divorced moms to come on the scene: I started young, and most of them are older than me.

    Good luck to all the great dad’s out there.

    • OMGchronicles
      Twitter: OMGchronicles
      says:

      Thanks for writing, John, and I applaud your attitude toward your children.
      Yes, you are at a tough age, when many women your age or younger want children of their own (and it’s a really tough age for women trying to date men who want kids and consider them a little too old).
      As you say, give it a few years and you will have many more divorced women available to you, as cynical as that sounds. A lot of people split in their 40s. If you are as intelligent and good-hearted as you sound, and keep yourself reasonably fit don’t worry about being alone and unhappy at midlife — you will have many, many women interested in you. Trust me!

  4. steve says:

    I live in NJ and have been in a custody battle for a year now. I moved out in Oct 2011, 1.5 miles away since our marriage broke down completely at that point. I work very long hours in the city to support two households, since my future ex wife just dabbles in real estate and has more than a “flexible schedule”. She is the primary caretaker because of this, and I am unable to afford a caretaker to have 50/50 physical custody. She filed a motion to relocated 2.5 hours away in NY, and I will have almost no chance in preventing her, being the primary caretaker. We are on the brink of trial, and I know its a losing battle. I hope anyone in this situation thinks twice about moving their children away from the other parent when you have someone that wants to be there all the time as well, but has to provide food and shelter for everyone. Its selfish and not in the best interest of the children. They need both parents to co-parent them together.

  5. OMGchronicles
    Twitter: OMGchronicles
    says:

    Steve, I am sorry to hear of your situation. I agree — divorced parents should not move far away from each other. Kids need to be with both their parents. Hopefully, the judge will side with you and prevent your soon-to-be-former wife from moving far away. Good luck!

  6. Richi C. says:

    Good write up … I’ve been divorced for 5yrs now but it’s been two since I finally had enough of faking Happy. I took her back four times.Two kids 8 and 6.I love my kids More than she ever did or will.Through the depression, I lost my professional job then foreclosure. I can’t get a decent job now because of bad credit. Paying child support, rent,living paycheck to paycheck, booze and sui— dal thouughts keep creeping back. Articles like these makes me realize there’s still hope.

    • OMGchronicles
      Twitter: OMGchronicles
      says:

      Richi, I am so sorry about your bad fortune.Please don’t give up home because your kids, who are very young, will grow up and they will understand things (and judge their parents’ actions), and they will want to be with you as long as you keep showing up for them. All they need is your love, attention and support — if you can do that, you will never regret it, and they will never forget it. Best of luck to you.

    • jaime says:

      I am in same situation..wondering how you are doing now

      My story is really bad

  7. Joe W says:

    After an searching from every angle my results support what you say. What about all the loving fathers who miss the children and feel so powerless in the face of a world that seems not to care. Could it be politically motivated? As one who tends to subscribe to the idea that all behavior has reason it is unfathomable to consider what hides behind this empty spot. It is easy to find research on the importance of fathers in the child’s life and given the important emphasis on the child’s “best interest” the absence of studies, programs to support the difficulties etc… Something is amiss.

    Often times the father is pushed out of the child’s life and I hope this common occurrence one day is a very rare experience. The children are best served when they understand that both parents love and care for them very much.

    Divorce should be about the separation of the spouses and children should not be placed in the middle.

    When they ask why men have a more difficult time with divorce? The myopic answers are painful to see. It isn’t about the money or emotional support from the former spouse. Perhaps it is the loss of the children?

    If we were to perform a study that allowed us to take the children away from loving mothers at the same rate as fathers I suspect we would have a clear answer.

    Such a study should never exist as this would be most inhumane. The answer I suspect is someplace in the middle.

    Thanks

    • OMGchronicles
      Twitter: OMGchronicles
      says:

      Hi Joe. Thanks for commenting. “Divorce should be about the separation of the spouses and children should not be placed in the middle.” So true! I wish more women believed that. I am always confused by how women want men to be better dads and more present when they’re married, and then think it’s OK to keep him out of the picture when they divorce! It’s a form of insanity. I think things are changing. At least I hope so.

  8. Peter James says:

    Hi all
    Firstly, its sad we are on here…..it means there is a problem, and yes I agree there seems to be no form of real help for the guys in relationship breakdowns. I now am divorced for over 10 year. My children are…and always will be the ones I care about now, luckily for me ,I still get on with my x ….but the best thing we did, at the start of our 15 years together was discuss worst case possibilities. We split everything, time with our kids 50/50 no matter what ,money, and NEVER put shit on the other person, when you split,you cared about them …a little respect …people take sides ,its human nature, sure confide in your friends, but like it or not you still have to work hard on bringing up your kids, and you need each other to do it. Me , I hide in the corner a lot, that’s why I need help, but my 20 somethings are happy! I am in Australia and the help is limited to careplans at your doctor, having therapy,and going to things like mensheds(guys talking it out and social stuff) Compared to the ladies,we come a distant last. yes I know there are some really B A D guys out there,but even if your a bit smart …and you want help…there aint much!

    • OMGchronicles
      Twitter: OMGchronicles
      says:

      Sorry, Peter James, that you are not finding the support you need. I think it’s great that you and your former wife were able to co-parent well despite the divorce, and that your kids are doing great. They probably wouldn’t if you and your former wife were fighting all the time. I hope you find a group of supportive people to help you. Are there any men’s groups where you live? Maybe you can start one. Wishing you the best.

  9. Justin says:

    Thank you for writing this. Unfortunately not enough people do care. Losing a child to divorce is the hardest thing I could have imagined. In the beginning when my baby son clung to me and cried at the end of our visits it was gut wrenching. It was even worst when he stopped. I know that adjusting to the new situation is good for him, but it is still hard on me over a year later. The divorce was not of my choosing and is still on going. I am told by my lawyer to manage my expectations, because the average non-custodial parent in my state usually gets 5 days a month.
    I left the military and brought my wife home to be near her family nearly 1000 miles from my own. Six days later she left and moved in with her parents. Now I am stuck here far from friends and family for the sake of my son. What is most disheartening is how common this is and how little attention it receives. Every few months there may be a blip in some state’s local news. Rarely does paternal visitation get national attention and then only in the most extreme and controversial of cases. Rarely do the articles improve the perception of fatherhood. The situation is a lose-lose. If you stay it is hard, expensive, life-limiting and no one cares or worst you are perceived as a nuisance. If you leave you’re a deadbeat and sacrifice your child completely (a pain I could never imagine).
    Young children grow accustomed to the new normal and could (and probably should) never fully appreciate how hard it is to remain in their lives. You hold onto some intangible hope that being there–however infrequently–will prevent am emptiness in their hearts down the road. You may never truly know whether your efforts mattered. I hope for my son’s sake the family courts are reformed before he is an adult. I hope that he may be able to seek love and companionship without the threat of having his life destroyed on a whim with the full force of law by someone else’s life preference.

    • Doug says:

      Justin,

      Don’t known if you still read this since your post is over a year old but I am in a very similar situation and would love to hear how yours is going. How are you doing? How are your children doing? Any advice. I feel like I was used as a sperm donor and I was all in. Now I am just fighting to get access to my daughter. It is devastating. Stressful. If I had done even one of the things my soon to be ex has, I’m quite sure I would be in jail. I worry the courts still unfairly favor the mother. Something has to be done. Please email me ddaniels617agmail.com. thanks

    • Doug says:

      Dave,

      I feel the same way. My wife used me to give her parents a grand child and instead of making a life with me and my child she moved back in with her parents. She has been so cruel and uses our daughter as a weapon to get to me. I can understand why men might walk away. The. Courts favor the mother so often. I’m not going to give up but need support. I think we all do. You know strength in numbers. Please email me. Maybe we can at least support each other. Sometimes it helps to know you re not the only one going through this. Ddaniels617@gmail.com. We dads need to take a stand and demand our rights.

  10. Brian says:

    I so needed to read this today. It’s a struggle and at the same time I feel healthier and more alive. Peace.

  11. Anthony says:

    Thank you for the loud shout out for more research on this area. I am currently going through a divorce and my proposal for shared custody and roughly 50/50 parenting time has been soundly rejected by the mother who desperately needs the children emotionally. She is working as hard as she can to alienate the children from me. This is causing such damage to them (and me). Of course, the children don’t understand this process; they don’t see how she is making them choose in so many ways between her and me.
    I never before could imagine how any father could become a deadbeat dad and forsake his children, and I will never do that! However, given the extraordinary pressures I feel in the divorce process and the privileges apparently given to mothers, regardless of historical involvement with the children, I can understand how some men can be pushed to the limit to think that the only bearable path is abandoning the children.
    I’m sure there are plenty of irresponsible fathers (as there are mothers), but ultimately I believe that a number of those who do abandon the children do so because of the unbearable grief of losing them through a multitude of incremental losses — I think it is extremely hard to maintain relationships seeing children every other weekend (and an evening dinner).
    What a sad fate for the children and the father. Having two parents is better than one.

  12. Elizabeth says:

    I would like to express my deepest sadness for every Dad and every Child who is suffering from this catastrophe called ‘no fault’ divorce. I am a Mum where my Husband brought his adulterer whore into divorce court with him and she was allowed to stay and watch me breakdown (Australia the judge says ‘is an open court system’). I have tried harder than I knew how for my Husband to make time for our Sons and he disappeared three years ago without even Birthday emails for our Sons. While America’s anti-family law courts have inhumane actions against men, Australia’s anti-family law courts have inhumane actions against women. There are sick men in this world and there are sick women in this world and all I know how to do anymore is to keep telling our Children and showing our Children how much we love them, how important they are, how we care about their thoughts and we care about their feelings and we care about their wants and we care about their needs and that we can all know whatever happens, wherever we are or wherever they are, they are loved with all our hearts and souls. I wish you all peace in this Age of Trauma inflicted on Families.

  13. Dave says:

    I’m a recently separated man trying to find a way through this disastrous situation as well. Men as a whole are encouraged to not share emotions and it can be difficult given the lack of support as a result.
    I have 50\50 custody and my ex was not a malevolent person during our breakup( not yet at least).
    One of the things that I have struggled with is moving on. I visit my son at least once a week on my ex’s week. I want to make sure he knows I prioritize him. The problem is that she moved on immediately and my feelings for her still linger. This has really stood in the way.
    I know he is the priority and I love him deeply. I know I suffer because even though she had an issue that caused me to feel terrible throughout our relationship, someone else has come into her life. I’m lonely and find it nearly impossible to try to find the same.
    Men are supposed to approach the opposite sex but a guy who feels like he has failed his family is not very confident. Plus many single women see guys with kids as having baggage I think
    Afraid that this torture will never end. I can kind of see a different reason for why men leave perhaps.

  14. Eric says:

    I understand this to well. After my father in law was diagnosed with brain cancer. I decided to send my wife and our 2yr son to Utah to be with him. He was given 6 months to live. At that same time I flew up once every 5 weeks for 4-5 days or flew them down. This went in for little or a year. Nothing seemed out of the normal in facr I was uplifted because my Father in Law no longer layed around waiting to die. He seemed to be uplifted have my son there with him. Than one day I got served court papers. They were Divorce papers from State of Utah and my Wife. I was blown away. I tried to reach her but nobody ever answered my calls. I than read through the papers and try to grasp it all. I hitcrush on my wife’s statements tk the court accusing me of physical and mental abuse, also stated I had a drug and alcohol problem which was false. Tgan I came across the worst statement where she stated because I was rape and molested as a child she believed I was a threat to my son. This she got from a book in the library saying males that have experienced this more likely become the just like there violators. I was destroy because she was the 1st I ever told about what happened to me and told I want to get help because I couldn’t be the perfect husband or man if I always beat myself inside because of it. 20 yrs was enough. The fact she said such things I couldn’t understand because I loved my son more than the world and for to say I would hurt or inflict the same pain that someone inflicted on me or even thought of hurting a child made me sick to my stomach. It was lies and pure evil. Papers said I had 30 days to contest. 6 days later I finally got ahold of her and asked her if this is what she wanted because I had 20 days left and if so I wanted to get a lawyer so can defend myself.. She said it doesnt matter the Divorce is final already. I didn’t understand until I got another set of documents. These were finalization papers and child support paperwork. The State of Utah grants 5 day fast Divorce to women who claim any kind of abuse and say they feel endanger for their lives if Husband found out. Nothing they say has to be backed up or any kind of evidence shown like restraining orders,witnesses,police reports or pics. So the final decision the Judge rewared her sole custody believe her statement about my molestation and rape as a child did put my Sin endanger. Also rewared her everything except the $24,000 Debt I had no clue she ran up on credit cards. That he give to me as well as the new house we just purchased that I never wanted or liked and the mortgage payments etc. So never once I have been able fo get court date to appear in front of that judge or anybody in Utah to defend myself and prove my xwife lied to the court. 10 yrs of fighting only getting denied every requested, motion,complaints etc I possibly could file I received paperwork saying my Xwife was filing to have all my Fatherly Rights taken away. I was to hand write a letter to this Family Court Judge stating why I thought this wasn’t a good idea or not best for my son. Also found out she had already change his last name which is illegal without notifying the father and getting approval. She was able to get also doing in case she got married again her new husband could adopt my son with no problems. So this being the very first time I would be able to state my case and have my voice heard. I had 23 days. I went and wrote from the deepest part of me my case and the love I bad for my son. As well as my depression from all this and false accusations made about me. I even had friends and family write their accounts and statements and had notarized. I had lawyers dead it as well as my parents all approved saying no way someone could take it to heart and judge for my xwife. I wanted and waited 2/ months without any word. I called the court only to get message to leave.message. it wasn’t until my boss called me into his office saying he had good news. He said he got paperwork saying I no longer required to pay my $720 child support. That is how I found out I had lost my case and 10 yr fight to be in my Son’s life. 2 weeks later I got the courts decision in favor of my xwife with no reasons.why or even if the Judge took in my opinion or accounts in my letter. Just that with this decision I was no longer in any legal manner be father to my son. That from birth certificates and any other way associated. Also if I was to try to reach out ,inquire, or even respond back to him if he searched me out it would be a crime. If I wanted I could appeal the decision to the Supreme Court in a certain time frame. Well knowing the cost would be something didn’t have and the time frame to even have case heard could be years. I had nothing literally. I.thought I seen the worse the last 10yrs. I was wrong felt like I was tossed into a dark pit and was being raped all over again except this time it was the State of Utah and my xwife. I know she did all this to hurt me. That to me is just Pure Evil and the courts are on its side and all women who get divorced with children.

    • Divorcedmum says:

      Eric, that’s terrible! I can’t imagine how it feels to lose your son like that. What happened to you was really unfair. I hope for you to be strong and lots of patience for you to face this.

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